Warnings: Um, enough angst to collapse Tokyo Tower.

Part Eleven

Subaru managed a wan smile for Mika. She'd gotten to know him by now, and smiled brightly back. "Is Johnny expecting you?"

"No," Subaru replied. "Is he busy?"

Mika looked at her watch, then flipped through the appointment book. "Yes, but he should be done in fifteen minutes or so, if you want to wait. And then he has a free hour."

"Thanks," Subaru said, and sat in one of the chairs. About fifteen minutes later, another man came down the stairs, nodded once at Mika, and left. Subaru noted with slight amusement that the man was a fairly well-known government official.

"You can go on up, now," Mika said. "Just don't mind if Johnny's a bit . . . off."

Subaru nodded; he'd seen Johnny after a job before. Then he silently walked up the stairs and knocked on Johnny's door.

"Yeah, what?" Johnny called.

"It's Subaru. Can I come in?"

The door swung open and Johnny let him in, again in his vinyl pants and looking slightly less than with the real world. "Hi," he said, kind of vaguely.

Subaru burst into tears.

That sobered Johnny up pretty quickly. He blinked, then gently pushed Subaru over to the bed and made him sit down. "What's wrong?"

"I . . . Seishirou-san . . . we were . . ."

Johnny attempted to make his brain work, which was difficult in his present state of being. "Did you have an argument?"

Subaru nodded, sniffling and rubbing his eyes.

Johnny searched for something that would've upset Subaru this much. "Did he yell at you?"

Subaru shook his head.

This is like twenty questions . . . I can play twenty questions. "Did you yell at him?" This seemed exceedingly unlikely, but if they'd had an argument and Seishirou hadn't yelled, there weren't many options left.

Subaru nodded again.

Johnny blinked. "Why?"

Subaru just looked at him, as if he himself wasn't quite sure of the answer.

"Okay, don't look at me like that. You have to say something."

"I left," Subaru finally managed.

"That's obvious."

"No, I mean permanently. Moved out. Gone." Subaru rubbed his eyes and then started crying again.

"Well, why'd you do a stupid thing like that?"

"Because I hate him . . ." Subaru mumbled.

"You what?" Johnny was lost. "Is this one of those obnoxious love-hate things?"

"I t-tried to stop loving him, I honestly did!" Subaru cried. "I hate him, look at what he did to me! But I . . ."

"Okay, slow down and start from the beginning."

Subaru managed to calm down and relay what had happened to Johnny. "And then I came straight here," he finally finished.

"So what's your plan now?" Johnny asked.

Subaru shrugged. "To go home . . ."

"That's it? You're going to go home. You can't stop crying for five minutes, and you're going to go home and stew all by yourself. That has to be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. Subaru, I know you're smarter than this."

"Well, what would you suggest?" Subaru snapped.

"Going back and telling Seishirou that you're an idiot?" Johnny said.

"No," Subaru said flatly.

"Why not?"

"Because I hate him. I won't go back to him."

"Do you feel better, now that you've had your revenge?"

"Sort of. A little."

"You don't, do you."

"Not really," Subaru admitted.

"And did it occur to you that this might have been a mistake?"

"This whole damn thing was a mistake," Subaru snapped.

"So even though you told Seishirou you don't love him, you still do?" Johnny wanted to be clear on this point. Subaru wasn't exactly being coherent.

"Something like that."

"Why did you come here?" Johnny checked his watch.

Subaru shrugged.

"Well, look, I've got an appointment in ten minutes, but I don't think you should go wandering off on your own, so come downstairs with me while I talk to Mika, then I'll take you back to my apartment."

Subaru shrugged again. Johnny rolled his eyes, grabbed Subaru's arm, and hauled him down the stairs. "Mika?"

"Yeah?" Mika looked up and blinked in concern at Subaru. "Is he okay?"

"No. I've got to take the rest of tonight off."

Mika looked in the book. "You've got two more appointments."

"Reschedule, refund, something," Johnny said. "Give them to Liam if he's free. I don't know. But I have to do something with him."

"Okay," Mika said doubtfully.

Johnny nodded his thanks and hauled Subaru out the door. He loaded the Sumeragi into a taxi and took him back to the apartment, then pushed him up the stairs. "Have you eaten?" he asked.

Subaru shrugged.

"I don't want shrugs. I expect answers."

"No."

"No you won't answer, or no you haven't eaten?"

"Pick one."

"Probably both." Johnny pushed Subaru into a chair and went into the kitchen, then came back out later with a couple warmed-up TV dinners. He put one on the table in front of Subaru and gave him a fork. "Here. Eat."

Subaru looked at it.

"Don't waste my food."

"If you don't want it wasted, you eat it."

"So you plan to starve yourself to death."

"I don't plan to do anything. I simply don't feel like eating."

"Fine." Johnny wasn't about to argue. He ate his dinner and shoved the second back in the fridge for Liam. Tomorrow he'll feel a little better and he'll be hungrier and he'll eat something. Not about to bother now. "Why don't you take a nap?" he asked.

Subaru shrugged. He seemed to have faded back into his state of total noncaring.

Johnny got a blanket and a pillow and towed him over to the couch. "Sleep," he said firmly.

Subaru lay down and obediently closed his eyes.

Maybe he'll be less stupid in the morning, Johnny thought, and sat down with a book to wait.

****

The only sound in Seishirou's apartment was the repeated dull thud as his head hit the wall. He was leaning against it, eyes closed, sunglasses long ago fallen to the floor, and every few seconds his head nodded forward and then back, producing a satisfying clunk and pain throughout his skull.

"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid."

He couldn't seem to stop saying that. He was pretty sure he'd been standing there doing the same thing for the past half hour at least. Then again, if Subaru had wallowed for two months, he was certainly allowed an few hours, wasn't he?

Seeing as what had happened to Subaru was the exact same thing that had happened to him. Subaru had obviously been very careful to plan it that way.

Seishirou couldn't even get angry. Not at Subaru, that is. He had deserved exactly what he had gotten.

That was the maddening thing. Now that it had happened to him, he understood exactly what Subaru had gone through. He couldn't blame Subaru for wanting revenge. Especially not this revenge. He understood exactly why Subaru had done what'd done.

That was probably Subaru's intention.

He wished desperately for some way to banish the emotions, to stop feeling it. Subaru had hidden inside himself, but that was something Seishirou couldn't do. With no other earthly ties, no one to feed him and otherwise look after him, going Within wasn't an option. And now that Subaru had loosened the spell, he was subject to all emotions - and had only barely learned how to control them.

Seishirou cursed under his breath. It was so perfect. The entire plan was so perfect.

He would have sworn that Subaru loved him.

Then again, Subaru probably would've sworn that Seishirou loved him, before Seishirou had revealed that he hadn't.

How did I do that to him? How could I?

Seishirou let his head thud against the wall.

I didn't understand, Subaru-kun, he thought desperately to no one. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't realize how much this would hurt you.

Subaru had made him understand.

And now he was forced to live with that knowledge.

And to live with the fact that he'd had Subaru within reach; they could have been happy, they could have been together, and he'd thrown it away. Not only had he thrown it away, he had tossed it back in Subaru's face as if it didn't mean anything.

It meant everything.

Seishirou simply hadn't realized it.

Hadn't even been capable of realizing it.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

It wasn't my fault, damn it! I didn't know! How could I have known?!

And then that inner voice was back, that irritating monologue that always knew what was going on. Shut up, Seishirou. You're making excuses for yourself. You've studied humanity. You knew how much it would hurt him, even if you'd never experienced pain yourself. Stop lying to yourself. You're only going to make things worse. Subaru doesn't love you, and I don't blame him. He's not coming back, so get over yourself.

The funny thing was, Seishirou reflected, in between clunks, was that he simply didn't know why he'd believed Subaru. He knew what he'd done to the Sumeragi. What the hell had possessed him to believe that Subaru still loved him?

Subaru had been right about everything the entire time.

He'd made the bet because he'd been hoping to lose, but the bet had also kept him from having any real relationship with Subaru. Only when the bet was over did they have any chance. Subaru had lost originally, true, but he'd never had a fair chance. And even if he had won, Seishirou doubted his pride would have let him admit it.

All right, you wanted to feel, Seishirou's inner voice snapped at him. You got what you wanted. You've got your precious emotions back. And all it cost you was your dear little Subaru-kun.

Seishirou covered his face with both hands and let his head thud against the wall one last time as he came to the inevitable conclusion.

He had believed Subaru, quite simply, because he had wanted to believe.

****

Johnny nodded off in the chair with his book and woke up the next morning in his bed next to Liam, who had undoubtedly carried him there when he'd gotten home. He sat up blearily, rubbing his eyes. Liam blinked up at him and yawned. "Morning. What's with the kid on the couch?"

"Hm? Oh, that's Subaru. He stayed here once before but you weren't here that night." Johnny stretched.

"Why's he here?"

Johnny had already explained the Subaru-Seishirou situation to Liam; so he gave the older man a brief summation of the latest events. "So he's staying here until I make sure he's not going to do anything stupid." Johnny examined this statement. "Let me rephrase: anything more stupid than what he's already done."

Liam nodded. "You know he's not sleeping, right?"

"He isn't?"

"Nah. When I came in around one, he was wide awake, staring at the ceiling. He didn't say anything, and I didn't ask."

"Great." Johnny hauled himself out of bed and dressed, then headed out into the other room. Subaru was still lying on the couch, staring upwards. Shadows of dark circles were starting to appear under his eyes. "Did you sleep?"

"No," Subaru answered.

"Did you ever intend to sleep?"

"No."

"If I make you breakfast, will you eat it?"

"No."

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

"Too much effort."

"Are you trying to let yourself die?"

Subaru shrugged.

"And what would your sister have to say about this? I'm sure it wouldn't be complimentary."

Subaru flinched. "Hokuto would understand," he said stiffly, but thought of Kakyou, and his sister's reaction to that, and he knew that Hokuto wouldn't understand.

"Sure," Johnny said, his voice conveying complete disbelief. And he walked into the kitchen and made himself breakfast like nothing was wrong. When he came back into the other room, Subaru was up. "Going somewhere?"

"Home."

Johnny gave him a long, level look. "Sit down." His voice wasn't sharp, but it didn't leave room for argument.

"Why, so you can lecture me again? Leave me alone." Subaru started to push past him.

Johnny caught him by the arm. "I'm done lecturing. Sit."

"If you're not going to lecture me, why do I have to stay?"

"It'll make me feel better."

"Sure." Subaru pushed past him again and left the apartment. He went back to his own and slowly unpacked his things. Then he thudded down on the sofa and stared blankly at the wall until the phone rang.

****

"Subaru?" When Johnny's knock had received no answer, he finally just pushed the door open and went inside. Subaru was sitting at the kitchen table, looking off into the distance. "Hi," Johnny said, and went in. "I brought you dinner, in case you want it." He figured two days without food would make Subaru hungry enough to eat. He put the bag down in front of Subaru.

Subaru looked at it.

Johnny studied him carefully. There were shadows under his eyes. Johnny doubted he had slept since the 'argument.'

"I tried to call earlier," he continued. "No one picked up."

"I was out," Subaru replied. His voice was barely audible.

"Where?"

"I had a job."

Johnny couldn't help gaping. "You're working in this condition."

"Yes."

"Do me a favor, Subaru."

Subaru glanced up at him. "What is it?"

Johnny plopped into the chair next to him. "Don't make me lose another friend."

Subaru stared at him for a long second. Then he silently reached for the food and began to eat slowly.

"Thank you," Johnny said. "And I want you to stop working."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"My work is too important."

"And if you get yourself killed, where does that leave me?"

"I won't."

"Why are you doing this?"

Subaru blinked. "Which part?"

"The whole mess. Leaving Seishirou, passive suicide, working when it's dangerous, generally making yourself miserable."

Subaru shrugged. "I left Seishirou-san because there's no way I can be with him. Everything else is because I had to leave him."

"Why can't you be with him?" Johnny settled in for what would hopefully be a logical discussion.

"Because I hate him." Subaru gave Johnny an odd look. "We already covered this."

"Do you love him?"

Subaru hesitated. "Yes."

"What makes you hurt more? Staying away and loving him from here, or being close to him and dealing with the hatred?"

Subaru rubbed his forehead. "They hurt the same."

Johnny kept remarkably calm. "Did you have any happy moments when you were with Seishirou?"

"Yes," Subaru whispered.

"Are you having any now?"

Subaru wordlessly shook his head.

"Do you think you'll have any in the future?"

"What future?" Subaru asked dully.

"Then go back to him."

"No."

"Why not? And don't just say you hate him. I proved that it was an invalid reason."

Subaru shrugged and pushed the remainder of his food away.

Johnny looked at him. "This isn't going to work, is it."

"I'm sorry," Subaru whispered. "I don't mean to . . . to make you lose another friend. Without Seishirou, there's nothing for me. But when I'm near him, I'm always so . . . angry. I can't forgive him. Not for Hokuto. Not for me."

"Let it go, then," Johnny said. "Accept the fact that you're angry and live with it. Be happy when you can."

Subaru shook his head. "It's not that simple, Johnny. On the few occasions that I managed to let it go, that I managed . . . to be happy . . . I just hated myself more afterwards. Because I'm betraying Hokuto's memory with every second I spend with him."

"So you're just going to let yourself die."

Subaru shrugged.

"Fine," Johnny said, and he turned and walked out the door.

****

Yeah... one more part, maybe two, and then an epilogue, and then it'll all be over ^_^ Feedback? Please?