Letters to Santa (Harry Potter style)

By Marie (well sorta…)

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Note: This is a joke. Let me explain… someone sent me obscene Santa letters in my e-mail. The letters were, for the most part, rather stupid-- but the last one gave me an idea, so I demented them to fit *drum roll please* Harry Potter. (Now they're stupid and deal with Harry Potter. YAY! *lol*) Enjoy!

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Dear Santa,

The only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! (Oh and maybe some books for school-- I'm missing "A study of the Muggle appreciation of Mythical animals" and "Defense against the Dark Arts throughout the Ages" and... well that's about it. Oh and if you could help my friend Ron grow up a bit, I would really appreciate it, 'cause really I do like him... as a friend of course.) Thanks!

Love,

Hermione

Dear Hermione,

Your parents are professional over achievers who absolutely hate each other. I can see that you're destined for the same fate with your pathetic friend. No you're not getting any books for Christmas, you're already too much of an insufferable know it all. Instead I think I'll send you some Disney cartoons and some pot. You deserve the opportunity to loose some brain cells.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I don't believe in you one bit.

However on the off chance that you *are* real, I'm writing to ask you a favor.

There's this boy I know named Harry Potter, and I was wondering if, next time someone tries to KILL him, you can help them SUCEEED. Many people will be very grateful to you if this happens.

Please see what you can do, and thanks in advance.

D. Malfoy

Dear D.,

Look, kid, incase you can't tell Harry Potter WILL NOT DIE. Give it up; it's not going to happen. Welcome to Hell kid, he's going to haunt you for the rest of your freaking life.

Let me get you a lump of coal instead.

Santa

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Santa,

I wrote you about 20 years ago about the girlfriend thing. Never mind, I wouldn't expect you to be able to do anything about it anyway.

Severus Snape

Dear Severus,

Nope. No go on the girlfriend bit. Or on the boyfriend bit or on any other bit. HAHAHA, you're destined to spend the rest of your life alone, you old Scrooge! I wouldn't help you anyway, with the amount of letters I get about your appalling teaching habits!

Oh yes, and what kind of idiot names their kid "Severus Snape" anyway? What an ugly name!

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I was wondering if you could maybe help a boy I know like me a little bit. Just a little bit! That's all.

Thanks,

Ginny Weasley

(P.S. His name is Harry.)

Dear Ginny,

What is this, Ann Launders? I don't DO the match making thing. Give it up will you? Harry will never notice you, let alone do anything with you because your his Best Friend's ugly little sister and Not His Type. In fact you're not his type for another reason as well… he's probably GAY.

Get over it.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I really really really want a DIFFERENT colored Sweater this year. Not Maroon. Could you please please please PLEASE PLEASE somehow tell my mom this?

Thanks,

Ron

Dear Ron,

That whiney begging stuff may work with your folks (which I doubt, seeing as they have 7 of you bratty kids) but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a maroon sweater again. Oh yes, and your friend Harry will get the nice green one, along with all the fame and fortune, yet again.

Oh yes, and Hermione likes you. Too bad you're too stupid to figure that one out.

Merry Christmas.

Santa

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… And a Merry Christmas to you all as well! ^_~