Like Birds in the Wind
An Eriol/Tomoyo Alterfic
Chapter 7: Swallow in Autumn Wind
Tomoyo never knew. I am quite certain of it, for as I learned years after Eriol's death that he had set it so that all would be remembered after his death, so it would safeguard the future if he were gone. He was a great man. At the moment of his death, I remembered all the events that had happened so long ago, those fuzzy vague images suddenly became harshly clear, as I remembered what exactly had happened. But mercifully, Tomoyo never remembered him as he had been to her. She died about a few days before Eriol, as Eriol had cast a spell over himself to make sure that it was she who died first, as his last gift to his lost love. Oh, but he suffered so much for her. Eriol did not want Tomoyo to go through what he did, so he used the last of his power for her. As always, it was for her. His last days here on earth were wrought with suffering, both mental and physical, as his body failed him though he was once the greatest sorcerer on earth. I think that he died well.
I cannot be bitter or resentful, as only Sakura and I are alive now, Syaoran and Jean-Claude having died only a few years before Tomoyo and Eriol left us. It was my duty to safeguard this world by surrendering those memories, and I did it. Eriol was the one who truly suffered. I sometimes wonder how he could have kept it up, all those long years of despairing and yearning. It is of no consequence, however. Now, we reminisce over those Cards, as Sakura is ready to pass them to her eldest daughter for safekeeping. I know that by fate it was Tomoyo who was destined to be with Eriol, and be happier than she ever could have been with Jean-Claude, although I must say that she was very happy.
Eriol had left me a will, stating his reasons for doing the things he did, and old confusing memories come rushing back to me as now I will remember the reason why he did the unexplainable things that he did. I remembered out wedding night, on a yacht ready to bear us across the world for almost a month, when he approached me as my husband. I had already forgotten about Belisarius and his cards by then. Eriol approached me, as I was frightened and shy, when he suddenly turned back. I thought that I saw his face contort with anguish. Then his mask was back up again, and he made love to me.
I remember now with startling clarity of his love towards me. He never had thoughts of being unfaithful to me, having been bound by Belisarius to me, and by his want for Tomoyo. He was loving, yes, and gentle, yet I never realized that gentle kindness and tenderness were only the shadows of a man's loving. It was not always gentle and kind. Somehow, he could not give me that. But I do not blame him for anything. It was not his fault. He did what he had to, and saved both Tomoyo and I as he suffered for all of us.
Everyone had expected Eriol and Tomoyo to marry, and when he and I married, there was rampant gossip. Tomoyo and he no longer acted like the couple, the veritable soulmates anymore, yet he counted himself lucky that no one asked either Tomoyo nor I about it. Thank heavens for politeness.
I once was in a park, perhaps the same park of Godwinson where Belisairus had thrown me into my fate. It was a windy autumn, and I was watching the sky and trees and how very loving they seemed towards each other. The strong wind and light and richly hued leaves danced with each other, their fates intertwined with each other. I do not know why exactly I remember this, yet I think it was because of the lonely little swallow, trying to fly against the currents of the wind. It flew north, only to be blow back the way from which it came. It tried, again and again, only to be futilely blown back. Again and again it tried, and I watched it. Finally, it lost its strength, and let itself be blown away towards the horizon, when I couldn't see it anymore.
You see, that is fate, the wind, and we are the swallow who struggles against it. Fate will blow us in one direction, when we desire another, yet we cannot resist it because it is so strong. All we can do is to follow it, whether it makes us happy or despairing. Now that I have regained my memory, I realize just how symbolic that little bird was. We are very much like it; we are almost kin in our eternal struggle.
I conclude my story now, and I hope that I have cleared up what was so strange. It no longer seems so strange, does it? I do not know what you will make of my story, whether you will commiserate or look on in pity and empathy, or else wonder how Eriol had borne it. I myself do not know how he could have stood it, with such love in his heart for a woman, yet never being able to express it though he sometimes would sleep under the same roof with her, when he and I would visit with Tomoyo and Jean-Claude. But he won his victory. To the final last, he had won his victory. I pray for his soul, and hope that wherever he is, he is finally reunited with his lost love. I hope that they will have a beautiful eternity, together, as it should have been. As fated to be as that swallow in the autumn wind, in the end.
-Fin-
Yay! My first finished fic! Please do review and make my day. I hope you liked it. This story was meant as a comment on how so many stories are happy endings, but sometimes they do not reflect the truth about things, about how life really is. Sometimes you must make sacrifices, and bear it with dignity.
