Part 2: The Conclusion
(Warning: this gets kinda ugly and the language is bit stronger, nothing too graphic, though I promise.)
Draco turned to look back at Ginny and saw to his surprise that she was no longer on the dance floor. Looking around he noticed a blue flashed which he presumed was Ginny heading for the back exit of the hall. She was plowing through the crowd in a shimmering blur…that was not a good sign. Looking over he sought out Harry who seemed to have noticed her also and was heading to the doorway nearest to him. Draco debated between following her or just leaving Harry to the job. 'She likes Harry anyway, he'll find her, rescue her and live happily ever after,' he thought bitterly 'The perfect couple, just peachy keen…' But as he followed Ginny with his eyes he caught sight of something which gave the entire scene a whole new dimension… Goyle was following her with a hunter's twisted smile across his face.
'DAMN!' he thought desperately. He had never calculated on that particular angle. Pushing through the crowd of Slytherins surrounding him, refusing, as was their nature to move an inch, he wondered how he was ever going to reach her in time. Producing his wand he started to threaten to blast all those in his way to Hades if they didn't move.
After an eternity he finally broke through and began to run down the hall, cursing furiously because he wasn't sure which way she had gone. Running blinding he turned the corner---and collided smack into Harry.
Draco looked with disdain as Harry picked himself off the floor. "Did you see where she went?" he barked impatiently.
Harry rubbed his shins and growled, "What are talking about, Malfoy? Don't you have a first year to go pick on?"
Draco flashed him dirty looked and yelled, "DAMNIT! Did you see where Ginny went, you jackass?!"
"What the hell are you doing!" shouted Harry grabbing Draco by the collar of his robes "You git, can't you just leave her alone!"
Draco pushed out of Harry grasp in a rough movement and shouted, "Harry, you are a clueless twit! Haven't you figured out what's going here!"
"What are you talking about!?"
"You---look I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!! JUST TELL WHICH WAY SHE WENT!"
"Do I look like a fool to you?!" bellowed Harry.
Draco rolled his eyes thinking, 'YES,' but saying exasperated, "Goyle was following her, Harry."
"So, Ginny can deal with that clod headed fool."
"HARRY, didn't you hear about Michele?"
Harry had Draco by the collar again. "Don't you DARE INDICATE THAT GINNY IS THAT TYPE OF GIRL, YOU BASTARD!!"
Draco did punch him this time, hard, in the chest. "I'm NOT SAYING THAT!!! Did you think Michele had any choice in what happened, you twit! Of course not. God, you are so stupid…"
Harry stepped back eyes wide. "Are saying that---I mean he-he forced---"
"Now can you tell me where she is, so we can find her before he does?!!"
Harry didn't hesitate. "The East Corridor. I think she's heading for the owlry tower."
Before the words had left his mouth, the two of them went tearing down the hall.
Ginny let the portrait shut behind as she stumbled blindly from the Gryffindor common room clutching her blade in trembling fingers. She resisted the urge to cut in her dorms because she wasn't sure when people would be coming back and instead headed down the steps towards the owlry tower. Where it was quiet, and safe and alone. Anything, anything at all was better than the horrible pain in her chest. The ache in her legs was miniscule in comparison. She headed swiftly down another winding corridor and up another, racing flights of stairs to what she thought was salvation…constantly unaware of the dark shadow following her.
She felt dirty and disgusted with herself. What had she done to make him look at her that way? Had it been her laughter, her dancing? 'I must have acted like a complete slut,' she berated herself as her throbbing temples matched her throbbing legs. 'What if Ron saw me? Or Harry? Or Draco?' the thought of Draco made her shudder inwardly as she remembered his face pleading with her to sit down. 'He must have seen what a spectacle I was making of myself. He was probably trying to get me to stop from mortifying the whole school,' she thought with increasing misery over the situation building up. Yet he had said she would get hurt and he knew…knew about her-what had he called it--- fear high? How had he known? It didn't matter. All that matter was that her life was coming apart in pieces and she needed to cut so badly…
She entered the owlery tower and collapsed almost instantly on the floor. She let her wand roll un-thought of from her hand and grasping her knife was ready to blade her pain away when suddenly she heard some one say, "That's a pretty blade Gin, but not as pretty as you little waist."
She froze. It was Goyle.
"What are doing here?" she croaked, her throat filling with the bitter taste of bile as she pulled herself off the floor.
"Well, you left in such a hurry, I was worried about you…didn't mean to scare you."
Ginny's face turned ashen white with terror. She began to back up slowly, keeping both his hands and his wand insight. "Please, Goyle-"
"Didn't we decide on Gregory?"
"Fine. Gregory. Please leave me alone. I'm sorry if I g-gave you the wrong impression tonight but I'm really, really---
"Oh, you didn't give me the wrong impression."
"Then could you please leave?" she said desperately, shuddering at the high pitched tone her voice acquired.
Goyle was still advancing slowly towards her with that menacing look on his face. "I could leave…" he said "But there are so many other things we could do."
He was advancing on her predatory style and she felt her blood running cold. The blade in hand was useless against him and her wand was still lying on the floor. Fighting through the fear her mind raced at ways of saving herself…but Goyle was talking again.
"I could put a body binding spell on you…but what's the fun it that?" he said smirking darkly. Suddenly he grew grimly serious and made a mad dash for her that Ginny side swept, banging into the wall startling owls right and left as she choking out, "I'll tell Ron and when he finds you he'll KILL YOU!"
Goyle spat, "You think? That's what Shelly said. You know Michele? Swore that people would find out and kill me. Guess what? I'm still alive and everybody thinks she's the school slut." He hissed. "No one will look at you like anything other than a pathetic little slut ever again."
Ginny wasn't sure exactly what happened, but something about what he said made her snap. Her white hot temper shot through her as she thought, damned if she was going to let this bastard completely ruin her life her already crumbling life. In a moment of pure chance she made a dive for her wand just as he made a dive for her. But before he could catch hold of her, she screamed something. Blinding pain shot through his eyes as he realized the hex she had shot at him. "DAMN YOU BITCH, COME BACK HERE!" he screamed blinded by the searing heat in his eyes.
Ginny was already making a mad dash toward the door. She was blinded in a terror she had never known before and knew one thing only: she had to get out; if Goyle caught her again she was finished. Half running half tripping down the stairs she ignored that her dress was ripped and her beautiful hair was undone and disheveled. She just had to get out and get far far away. Goyle was up and making his way after her bellowing. Ginny ran faster, tripping over the last step and stumbling to get up again. Tears were streaming down her face and blurring her vision and her legs were beyond numb. 'Keep going,' she thought franticly 'keep going and get away...'
She had picked herself up from the floor and was trying to remember which way led to the grounds and which was a dead end when suddenly she heard voice that almost made her freeze again. Goyle was almost at the bottom and he was thundering like a roaring manticore, but just as he reached the bottom Draco and Harry burst in to view.
Harry was breathless and confused. Ginny was in danger and Draco of all people was trying to help him; it didn't make a bit of sense he thought. But that was erased when he saw Ginny running down the hall in front of him, and he heard Goyle yelling above. He froze. 'This can not be happening,' he thought 'This CAN NOT happen!'
Draco was hit with the reality of the situation when he saw Ginny fleeing. He knew he couldn't think about details or else he would freeze up inside, but he was washed over with an anger so great he could feel it bubbling at the bottom of his soul.
Goyle reached the bottom of the steps, his wand raised in preparation for the demise of his redheaded victim. Instead he saw a white Harry and blazing Draco. "SHIT!" he hissed, fear rushing over him as he started to tear down the hall away from the two.
Draco had to admire the speed at which Harry screamed a hex that just missed Goyle as ran for his life. Turning to face his old enemy who was already making his way after Goyle he called "Kill him. I'm getting Ginny."
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Draco made a mental note to talk to Dumbldore about the design of the damn school as he ran through the endless halls and corridors trying to follow the sound of Ginny's footsteps and heavy sobbing breaths. He had called to her several times that he wouldn't hurt her, but she was in too much shock to listen, (that he thought or the thought of seeing him didn't exactly put her mind at ease.) He was beginning to wish he had sent Harry after; she probably would have stopped for him. Turning the next corner he heard a door slam. Reaching the end of the hall and pushing it open he abruptly found himself outside in the frosty night. Two things occurred to him as he watched Ginny's still terrified figure tear across the frost bitten ground. One was that her dress was sleeveless and the cold was going to get to her very soon. Two was that she was heading straight for the Forbidden Forest.
Willing himself forward Draco followed her.
Ginny was sure that her lungs would explode. She couldn't breathe or think any longer and the only coherent thought she could decipher was that she had to get way, quickly. Her instincts told her she was being followed and she pushed herself harder. As she reached the Forbidden Forest she felt incredible relief wash over her; Goyle was too much of a coward to follow her there. Pushing blinding through the undergrowth she knew soon her legs would collapse from underneath her, but it didn't matter; he would never find her in the forest and she would be safe. That was her last thought as her knees buckled and she fell to the ground.
As Draco reached the forest edge he stopped leaning wearily up against a tree in an attempt to catch his breath that was coming out in billowing white clouds. The air cut through his lungs as he listened for the sound of her running. Quite suddenly it stopped and Draco assumed that she had either stopped fleeing or collapsed, his instincts leaning towards the latter. The slight relief he felt that she was no longer running was over shadowed by the sharp realization that the cold would reach her faster if she were laying still. Pushing forward through the branches of the huddled trees he sought her out with renewed urgency
As he pushed his way through the bushes and brambles he found himself cursing every child book he had ever been read.
'Damn all that stupid nonsense they tell us,' he swore 'The girl's in distress and the evil villain captures her with out a trace, But does that stop the hero, the wonderful shining prince? NO! He knows exactly where she is because LOVE just guides them to one other…What kind of bullshit is that!? In real life there is no prince just some git who hasn't got a clue where he's going-' "AAaahhH" a branch whacked into his forehead at that moment. 'And he gets half killed in the process, probably never finds her, and if he does he has to give her to the real hero even if HE is a clueless twit and---' "OWwww" (his arm caught in tangle of brambles.) '-And love and the power of the heart has nothing to do with anything, and doesn't lead you anywhere---' "AAHhhoOOOUUuu" THUD. He tripped over a tree root and fell forward about two feet. Rising slowly from the ground his train of thought stopped abruptly…she was there lying prone on the ground in front of him.
Half-stumbling to her side, Draco checked her breathing and made a quick assessment of the wounds she had received during her trek through the forest. Satisfied that she had no major injuries he picked up her limp body and made the journey back to the castle.
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Harry paced the corridor he had chased Goyle down impatiently. Draco and Ginny weren't back and he was getting worried. Goyle lay in a heap at the end of the hall. Between the body-binding curse, the tongue freezing hex, the jelly bones curse and number of other painful hexes Harry had disposed on him, he wasn't going anywhere. It had taken all of Harry's self-control to keep him from just finishing Goyle off for good. He wasn't sure that Draco wasn't serious when he had called out 'Kill him.' 'Where are they?' he thought frantically.
As if to answer him Draco appeared a minute later looking much worse for wear. "Where is she?" cried Harry rushing up to him.
"Where's Goyle?" asked Draco with a deadly look on his face.
"In a pile at the end on the hall."
"Is he dead?"
"No, but he has enough curses on him to keep him from moving for the rest of his life."
Draco snorted something nasty about ' bullshit Gryffindor nobility' but signaled for Harry to follow him. "She's in here," he said.
He led Harry to a room in an unknown corridor off the Slytherin common room. Opening the door Harry found a bed, a night table and a few other items. Draco muttered 'luminous' to light the dim room, where Ginny lay sleeping in the bed.
Harry automatically went to her checking her to make sure she was all right. Satisfied that she was not hurt beyond some minor cuts and bruises he looked up at Draco asking "What is this room?"
Draco shrugged. "I wanted a room of my own. This is it."
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Just like that, you got your own room?"
Draco smirked impassively. "My dad is Lucious Malfoy, I get what ever I want."
He jerked his head towards the door signaling that they leave, ignoring Harry's disgusted grimace. Harry tip toed out and shut the door behind him, before turning to face Malfoy who was leaning with his usual casual arrogance against the outside wall. Something about his attitude made Harry furious; he himself was working hard to keep from completely freaking out over the whole situation and Draco looked as though nothing had happened!
Bursting out the first think that came to his mind he accused, "You KNEW the truth about Michele and you kept quiet about it! What kind of bastard are you!"
Draco looked up at Harry with a snarl on his face. "Once again Potter, you don't have clue what you're on about."
"Bullshit! You knew and you sat on it! That makes you just as bad as he is! Of course can we really be surprised that You would do something like that? It is YOU after all…"
"For YOUR INFORMATION, POTTER. I didn't know about Michele." He growled at Harry's disbelieving snort, but continued by saying, "The way Goyle was bragging, you couldn't really tell. I just couldn't see Michele doing-that-with him, like that. I couldn't see it and God knows, Goyle is capable of anything. He may be stupid, but he's ruthless. Then when I saw him after Ginny…things just sort of fell into place. Okay, Potter? So just shut your face up about it already. I was the one who said to kill him."
But Harry wasn't satisfied, even though he knew in his heart of hearts that Draco was probably telling the truth he was so angry, confused and bitter that he spat out, "How do I know you weren't in on it? How do I know you haven't done anything to Ginny?"
The minute he said it he regretted it. Draco looked fit to kill. He pulled out his wand ready to scream a curse when a loud thud came from in side the room. Both of them froze, then rushed to the door.
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Ginny was awoken but the sound of shouting outside her door. Opening her eyes cautiously she found her self in the bed of a dark room. Still completely disoriented she assumed it was her dorm and sat up quickly, throwing the blanket aside. She was greeted by the site of her shredded dress, which quickly brought back the memories of the earlier events. Thinking over everything with the dance and Goyle made her feel intensely nauseous, only to be surpassed by the pervious self disgust.
"What was I thinking?" she bemoaned softly, rubbing her temples. As with every other problem she faced her first thought was of her knife, which she presumed to be in the drawer of 'her' nightstand, as she had forgotten that it was laying on the steps of the owlery tower, dropped during her flight.
Without thinking, she pulled out the drawer next to her too quickly causing it come crashing to the floor and creating the loud thud heard outside the door. Before she could contemplate the mess, or the fact that the items in the drawer were not hers, the door burst open producing, of people she thought, Harry and Draco Malfoy.
'She looks like a unicorn in a hunter's trap' thought Harry as he made his way to her. The shimmer charm on her dress was gone, as was the flush and sparkle of the dance, leaving her just a pale and frightened girl in a thin, torn dress. Draco looked her and at the drawer, with its spilled contents, lying on the floor, his expression growing steadily darker. He muttered the 'luminous' charm again, but kept his position at the door with his arms folded, working on his expression until it bordered on indifferent.
"Where am I?" asked Ginny looking around her at the strange room. Harry answered, "You're safe now. This is a private room of Malfoy's; no one will disturb you here."
"Goyle?" she asked faintly. Harry's eyes narrowed. "He's taken care of for now. Draco brought you here and no one knows but us two."
Ginny looked questioningly at Draco, who gave a tight nod, not trusting himself to speak yet. He kept looking from the drawer to her and then to the drawer again. But Harry was talking,
"Did-did he ---hurt you, Ginny?" She knew by his expression what he was referring to. She caught Draco rolling his eyes at the phrasing, but answered as calmly as she could, "He hurt me, but not like that. I got away first."
Harry heaved a sigh of relief and Draco's stance relaxed a fraction of an inch. She still wondered why he didn't say anything. She remembered his words at the party and wondered again if he guessed her behavior would bring about the reaction it did from Goyle, or if he had been alluding to something else. As it was, the expression on his face was indifferent, but also almost angry?
Harry kept repeating that she was safe and that everything was taken care. Finally Draco shot her one piercing stare before he asked her, "What were you looking for, Ginny?"
Harry ignored him but Ginny froze. "What?" she asked nervously.
"You heard me, what were you looking for?" repeated Draco, gesturing to the spilled drawer. Harry looked confused at his insistence, on the trivial matter, but Ginny swallow hard, her throat feeling suddenly dry. "I-I thought I was in my dorm…and I was looking…"
"Looking for what?" Draco insisted. He wasn't sure why he was pushing the issue, except for the fact that somehow he knew it needed to come out then and there, in front of Harry. If he wanted to simper over her playing hero he damn well needed to know what the hell was going on.
"Look Draco, could you just drop what ever your point is? She's obviously tired and---"
"HARRY!" Draco yelled "WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR ONCE!"
Harry was so surprised by the sudden out burst that he actually did close his mouth. Draco walked over to the nightstand and began to sort through the items spewed across the floor. He finally picked out a tiny bronze dragon figurine and placed it in her hand. She looked confused and Harry started muttering again, when Draco pressed the eye on the dragon like a little button. A fine sharp blade shot out of the dragon's mouth. Ginny jumped and Harry just stared sputtering "W-w-wwhat are you-you twit-why---"
The next thing Ginny did silenced Harry immediately. She took the blade carefully and drew the broad side the knife slowly down her arm and across her palm. "Yours?" she asked in voice barely above a whisper. Just for a moment time stood still. Worry and triumph collided on Draco's face while Ginny sat up straighter mesmerized by the blade in her hand and Harry stood gaping at the scene in front of him, slowly putting two and two together.
Unfortunately he came up with the sum of twenty-two. "Oh my God…OH MY GOD GINNY! You were trying to-you were going to kill yourself!! Oh my GOD!" He was pacing up and down raking his hands furiously through his hair. "I didn't know, I didn't see" Suddenly he grabbed Ginny by the shoulders practically screaming "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!"
Draco let his head fall into his hands at Harry's out burst. If there was one thing you never told a cutter it was that they were suicidal. But Ginny was already saying, "Harry, you've got it all wrong… I wasn't trying to kill myself. Harry please stop…I-I was just c-c-cutting."
Harry froze. "What?"
"She said she was cutting, you git, what part of that didn't you understand?"
"STAY OUT OF THIS MALFOY! Ginny what's going on?"
Ginny swallowed again and looked pleadingly at Draco. His expression softened a fraction but he refused to bail her out of the situation. "I-I was cutting," she repeated, feeling suddenly stupid.
"Cutting what?"
She lowered her eyes and chewed at her bottom lip. "M-M-myself."
For a second Harry was silent. Then came the bellowing, "WHAT!!!!!!"
The unshed-able tears where beginning to build up again behind her eyes. "I was upset about the party, and I just wanted to be alone and to take some of the hurt away so I went to the owlery to---to cut…"
Harry jumped back at least a foot away from her. "You-you cut yourself? WHY?!"
"I told you!" she cried desperately "To make the hurt go away…"
Harry kept gasping like a fish out of water. "You…you CUT yourself to make the PAIN go AWAY? Ginny that's MAD!"
"Oh, brilliant, hero. Any other poetic remarks you can come up with?" growled Draco. He somehow knew that Ginny had to tell someone about what she was doing to herself. He thought that maybe saying it out loud would make her look at her cutting differently, but Harry's reaction was not helping.
"ONE MORE WORD FROM YOU MALFOY AND I RIP YOUR THROAT OUT!!"
"Harry!" cried Ginny, bring his attention back to her "I don't expect you to understand, but please try to. S-sometimes…there is this ache inside of you and you can't DO anything about it! You can't stop it or control it. But this…" she gestured to the knife still in her hands. "This you can …"
Harry was stepping back shaking his head from side to side, eyes wide and still methodically raking at his hair. Seeing his expression Ginny struggled harder to put the hurricane of emotions rampaging inside her to words.
"I can't control you or Ron or what happens at home or what happens to me at school. They're all these little hurts and they build up inside like a huge weight or a boulder or something and they just crush down til I can't breath or think or feel anything but that horrible ache…and--and I need something-anything-to take it away. The pain that comes from a blade I can control and manipulate. The cuts and bleeding that's something I can deal with and for every scar I get, the ache inside is a little bit less…"
Harry was still staring blankly. He opened his mouth to say something but was shut up by a bitter laugh.
Draco stood up from his position by the side of the bed and leaned over the side of the bed to look Ginny in the face. "You're lying to yourself," he said, not even trying to keep the hurt, anger and sorrow out of his voice. Ginny sat up straighter as if surprised by his words and blinking rapidly she stuttered, "W-what do you mean?"
Draco was furious, furious that someone had to go through this, that someone like her had to feel the way she did and that she still hadn't realized what he had figured out long ago. "Tell me Ginny, you say a blade gives you control…who controls who? You control the blade or it controls you?"
She shook her head; eyes frightened. "No, it's not like that…"
"Oh isn't it? And what about the relief? Does it really make you feel better, bleeding yourself?"
"It does--"she insisted
"Then why is it the longer you cut the more you have to do it? If it was really solving all the mess inside you, then shouldn't that go away? But it doesn't, does it? It just gets worse and worse…"
"But---"
"Because the truth is that for every minute of relief a blade gives you, it adds ten pounds to the ache you say is ripping you up inside. How often did you cut when you first started? Once, maybe twice a month?"
"About that much…"
"And how often do you cut now?"
"I-I-I don't know…"
"Well I do! After every bad test and every Hogsmeade weekend and every fight with Ron and practically every class with Snape! And those are just the times I've noticed or seen you-Lord knows how many times I've missed! Ginny-"
He sat next her grasping her face in his hands forcing her brown eyes to look into his gray ones. "Ginny it's a death trap, a viscous cycle, where you either get hurt or you get hurt. What's the POINT!"
For a moment she sat there trembling, trying not to hear his words trying not to see his reasoning, then suddenly she got fiercely angry.
"Well what if it doesn't solve anything!? So what? It makes the pain stop even if only for just a few minutes and that's worth something! And what is it really? Lord everyone makes it sound so melodramatic. It's really just me and a blade and tiny thin paper cuts that hardly bleed at all. Cuts that stop hurting in less than a day. God, all they leave are tiny scars that nobody even SEES…"
"DANM IT GINNY I SAW THEM! I saw them as soon as you walked on the God Damn train!"
Draco pulled one of her arms forward tracing the scars that ran over it. "I see all of them Ginny, here and here." He turned her arm over and found the lightening bolt in the inside of her elbow "And here" he said. Ginny felt the tears surface on her eyes making the image of his face blurry, as her body shook uncontrollably. Draco lifted his hands to her face tracing his thumb across her eyes, "And the scars here…" he said. Then very carefully, so as not to frighten her, he put his hand over her heart.
"And here."
And the dam the had held her back from crying for so long finally broke and Ginny burst into violent sobs as the tears from months and months of silent hurts finally broke through. And without even thinking of exactly what he was doing Draco pulled her in to his arms and let her cry.
As Harry stood watching them, he felt his whole sense of perception turn up side down. He didn't know them, either one. And with out really comprehending what he was doing he turned around and left the room.
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Ginny wasn't sure how long she cried, or how long afterwards she sat still and just let her archenemy hold her. But quite suddenly she realized that was leaning against Draco's chest tracing the recent scars he had received chasing her in the Forbidden Forest and what was more she wasn't even focused on those scars but the pale silvery ones underneath them. She sat and wiped her face with her bare arm.
"You cut," she said. It wasn't a question.
Draco realized how much he hated to even think about the subject. The temptation to ignore the comment was strong but the look in her eyes stopped him. Carefully he said, "I used to."
Silence. "Why?" she asked finally.
He watched her face as she waited for him to answer, but he didn't want to talk about his life what it was really like under all the meanness he spouted out for all those around him. He didn't want to, but when she looked away, disappointed he found himself explaining in spite of himself.
"Why does anyone cut?! We all have our different reasons…or maybe it's all the same; I don't know. I mean it's not a very difficult situation to understand. My father's a Death Eater and my mother's---(he choked a little)---she just locks herself in her room and cries most of the time." He was getting angry in spite of trying to maintain his self-control. Draco liked spite and indifference, they were easy emotions to control, but anger was too unpredictable. Still she had dragged her this far…
"He hits my mother."
He pronounced the sentence with as little feeling as possible. It didn't fool Ginny. "And he used to hit me sometimes…but not often."
Ginny tried not to gasp as her mind began to slowly adjust the mental picture she had drawn of Draco's home life.
"When I was little I used to listen to them fighting and then to her crying…And I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even scream," he continued coldly "I discovered knives when I was very young." He wasn't looking at her anymore but at some invisible point just over her shoulder. "When I was cutting I felt like I was doing something to help her…to help me…" he suddenly laughed very bitterly "Amazing what we fool ourselves into believing, isn't it?"
He didn't notice her hand come up to brush his hair out of his eyes, but her touch startled him enough to make him jump slightly. The movement brought them in eye contact again.
"How did you ever stop?" she asked.
Draco shifted his weight slightly and let himself remember back to what had happened all that time ago. "I was a kid when I started cutting," he began slowly. "I didn't know what to cut and what not to…I slit my wrist once accidentally." Ginny fought the urge to gasp again and silently turned over his hands. Sure enough, on the left side of his left wrist there was a scar more visible then the others.
"Anyway," he said quickly "I almost bled to death and when my father found out he was furious."
"Furious?"
Draco snorted, "He thought I was trying to kill myself. Lord, I was ten and even in my house, ten is little young to be trying to kill yourself. But he wouldn't believe me. Maybe he knew what kind of hell he made the place, I don't know, and under any circumstances but he was still ready to kill me. Said Malfoys weren't cowards and only cowards killed themselves. He thrashed me over that and it sort of became a battle of wills; I would cut, he would find out and thrash me; then he started hexing my blades and hiding anything sharp… it got to the point where I was cutting because I couldn't cut in peace. Then the letter from Hogwarts came and there was the whole bustle about that…And one day when we were in Diagon Alley getting things for school, I was so angry and frustrated; he had left my mother bleeding in her room again I couldn't get a blade anywhere. And while we were walking, this kid--- I don't know who he was--- ran into me. And I just blew up at him. I felt really bad about it but then my father came up and practically congratulated me. He was proud of me. It seemed worth it at the time…"
Draco slowed the narrative as he reached the end. "It just seemed to fit; the lashing out at people…it completed the whole stupid family cycle. And then I left for Hogwarts and being away from home helped. I didn't stop cutting right away, it took a couple of years…it was just that the meaner I was, the easier it was to ignore the rest-of it all. It got clearer eventually, what the cutting was really about…but not for awhile."
He stopped, not sure what her reaction would be. Suddenly the whole story of his life seemed lame. He felt his face muscles tighten, drawing the look of cold indifference over his present one of hurt. It was hard to think of those times, because for all that he had stopped cutting he could not bring himself to regret the years he had gotten by with a blade. In many ways it was still easier to hurt himself then to hurt other people.
As if she had read his mind she asked, "Why do you pretend to be a hateful bastard when you're not?"
"Oh, Don't fool yourself, Ginny. I AM hateful. I just wasn't always."
Ginny swallowed as she tried to see past the sheet of ice that he kept around himself. It was so hard to see him as anything more than a mean jerk who liked watching others suffer. His gazed shifted back to that invisible point just behind her shoulder as she took his hand uncertainly. At her touch his eyes narrowed like he was trying to focus on something far away from them both. Searching for some connecting point she carefully ran her fingers of the scar on his wrist…and that's when she saw it. The flash of humanity in his gray eyes that made him human and hurting just like she was.
Letting go of his hand she drew her knees up to her chest. "You know the worst thing about cutting---"
"Besides the scars?"
"Besides the scars," she affirmed with a slight smile that faded quickly "Is how alone you are." He nodded in silent agreement
"You can't tell anyone-"
"Because they won't understand," he said.
"And you don't know what they'll say or think about you…"
"And when they do find out they always think you're a suicidal manic."
Ginny shivered. "They don't understand that you're not trying to die…"
"You're trying to live," he finished.
"I don't want to be alone anymore," she whispered hugging her knees tightly. The loneliness was like winter, a beautiful frosty change at first, but one that got colder and colder the longer it ran on.
"You won't have to be."
He said it so quietly she almost didn't hear him. Almost.
Draco stood very suddenly and straightened his robes. "You're staying here tonight, and don't worry, no one will find you. Get some sleep." His face was completely expressionless as he made his way to the door. 'Funny how little that matters when you've seen someone in the face clearly,' she thought.
Suddenly she laughed softly, "And things will be better in the morning?"
He finally cracked a small grin. "Yeah…maybe."
**************************************************************************************
The first thing Darco saw upon closing the door was Harry. He was still standing there with that blank numb expression on his face.
"Have people come back from the dance yet?" he asked
Harry rubbed his temple blankly, "Yeah most have."
Draco made a moved to leave the hall. "Where are you going?" asked Harry
"To Dumbledore of course. What, do you think we should leave Goyle in the middle of the hall until your hexes wear off? Try and use that brain you're supposed to have, Potter."
"What about Ginny?" asked Harry glancing towards the door.
"What about her? She's sleeping."
Harry took a deep shuddering breath. "I guess that's better for her, so she doesn't have to meet anyone else tonight. I better go to Professor MacGongal and explain things. You're telling them about Goyle so I mine as well give her a briefing of what happened. She'll keep quiet."
Draco didn't bother responding to Harry's thinking out loud. He felt like he was both physical and emotionally spent.
Harry suddenly stopped in the hall and practically collapsed. "What are we going to do about her?! I mean I never thought-never guessed….I should have known! I should have seen it! YOU saw it---how could I MISS something this big!"
"Potter will you get a grip," Draco barked roughly. "You didn't see it because you didn't know what to look for. Now you know, so just drop it."
"You mean it's okay now? You got through to her? She'll stop doing that-that-she'll stop hurting herself now?"
Draco didn't mean to laugh again, but he did laugh, even more bitter than the last. "NO, she's not going to stop cutting just like that Potter. She still has all the same damn issues to work through, do you think that you and I knowing are going to change all that and somehow make it all better!? Stop being a twit."
Harry digested Draco's words and then continued to walk forward, this time silently. Finally he said, "We shouldn't tell anyone right?"
"Glad you managed to deducted that one, Potter," hissed Draco sarcastically.
Harry was getting tired of Draco's attitude really quickly, but swallowed his retort in favor of getting information about Ginny. "But what can I do? You-(it choked him to admit I)t-you were right when you said I didn't have a clue about what was going on. So what can I do?"
Draco almost groaned out loud. He didn't want to have this talk with Harry in the middle of the night when he was so tired he felt like his body and his soul had been wracked. Still he thought, better to have it now before he arses up everything in the morning by doing something stupid.
"Just don't make a big deal of it okay? When she looks upset don't be an ass and go asking if she's about to cut or been cutting. Trying and distract her. Don't ever hide her blade or trying to keep sharp things away from her; she'll know and get angry. And another thing: when she's with you guys and she gets that glazed look in her eyes try to bring her into the conversation. Don't force her in but don't let her loose herself either. You think you can handle that Hero?"
"Okay," said Harry, checking off his words like items on a list. "What about winter holidays? Ron and Hermione and I were going to the Grangers…"
"Good. She can stay here then. I'm staying and I'll keep an eye on her. She needs some time away from the Dream Team," said Draco.
"Oh yeah, just what she needs, to spend the holidays with an over stuffed prat who-"
"Who was the only one who figured out what was going on POTTER. If it'd been left up to you, she'd be dead by now!"
Harry wanted to shout something, to mutter a thousand hexes and curses at Draco, but the nagging person in the back of his head kept whispering Draco had a point. Instead he tried to think of something that he could do right. "Tomorrow I'll get her some flowers, lilies or something," Harry said smiling triumphantly.
"Harry for THE LOVE OF MERLIN she cuts herself! You don't get her flowers for something like that!!"
"Look Draco you may know about cutting but you don't know a thing about making her feel better. I'm not trying to pretend everything is okay I just want to try and make her smile!"
Draco scowled, but swallowed down the list of profanities he had in mind. Finally he said, "Alright, get her flowers. But don't get lilies, get her irises, she likes those. And maybe some tulips, but defiantly irises, you know the blue ones and the bits of yellow in side."
He didn't understand why Harry froze and turned to look at him with an odd twisted expression. He figured it was just exhaustion. He didn't even question when Harry opened his mouth as if to say something and then shut it thinking better of his words.
Harry was trying to deal with the idea of seeing Malfoy as a person with a character beyond the asshole he always was. He opened his mouth to ask him how he had known about the flowers but stopped. Some how saying it out loud would make it a little too real for him and perhaps he wasn't quite ready to except the new situation. Perhaps he wasn't quite ready to admit that he had lost Ginny, or more importantly that he had never really had her to begin with. It didn't really matter in the end, he told himself, the important thing was that she was safe.
"It's a shame we haven't done the hard part yet," murmured Harry.
"We haven't?"
"Ron still doesn't know."
Draco cringed in spite of himself. "We leave that for later. Much much later."
As they reached the almost empty ballroom they saw that Dumbledore was standing just out of the way already waiting for them with MacGongal not far behind. Draco stopped just before entering the room. "I am so tired. When this is over I'm going to bed and not moving for the next century."
"Yeah, so am I," said Harry "And in morning things will be better."
Draco sighed. "Yeah… Maybe."
And maybe, just maybe….they would be.
The End
The vote was: Harry: 18 Draco: 52
Okay: First and for most to all you Harry/Ginny shippers I am REALLY sorry. I am usually a H/G shipper, really! But I just couldn't see him being able to grasp the situation I put Ginny in. I promise I'll write a nice H/G fic really soon to make up for it, so please please please don't be too mad at me? *smiles her best puppy dog smile* I hope most of you liked this. Review and tell me what you think.
Now:
To Not Saying: I know how you feel, I really do. I hope I got it right, the way I described cutting and I hope it helps a little to see what it does to you. Please hang in there and know that you aren't alone and hopefully this part of your life will pass. But do realize that cutting doesn't help your problems…it just adds something else to them.
Lana Mari: I hate it when I miss mistakes like that. I don't have a beta reader and I have to keep re reading my work for correction, naturally I miss stuff. Thanks for catching that one. And sorry to any mistakes I may have made and not caught.
Grace and Amanda Macini: I do cut, but I'm trying to quit. I come from a very Weasley type family, and things can get kinda crazy around here. I started cutting awhile ago, but I know it's wrong. Writing about it helps though…sorta keeps things in perspective. Thanks for the concern.
Gilderoy Lockhart: You had the most insightful review of all. I definitely agree a guy certainly doesn't solve these problems and I hope you like the way I ended this.
Meep da Sheep: About that cave in the Himalayas, do they cost much? Could I rent one?
Kiara: I love long rambling essays as reviews
All that Glitters and Anyone who has friends who cut: Please be patient with us and try to understand. We don't like what we do, it just seems to make things a little easier on ourselves. I'm not saying it's right…it just IS.
(Warning: this gets kinda ugly and the language is bit stronger, nothing too graphic, though I promise.)
Draco turned to look back at Ginny and saw to his surprise that she was no longer on the dance floor. Looking around he noticed a blue flashed which he presumed was Ginny heading for the back exit of the hall. She was plowing through the crowd in a shimmering blur…that was not a good sign. Looking over he sought out Harry who seemed to have noticed her also and was heading to the doorway nearest to him. Draco debated between following her or just leaving Harry to the job. 'She likes Harry anyway, he'll find her, rescue her and live happily ever after,' he thought bitterly 'The perfect couple, just peachy keen…' But as he followed Ginny with his eyes he caught sight of something which gave the entire scene a whole new dimension… Goyle was following her with a hunter's twisted smile across his face.
'DAMN!' he thought desperately. He had never calculated on that particular angle. Pushing through the crowd of Slytherins surrounding him, refusing, as was their nature to move an inch, he wondered how he was ever going to reach her in time. Producing his wand he started to threaten to blast all those in his way to Hades if they didn't move.
After an eternity he finally broke through and began to run down the hall, cursing furiously because he wasn't sure which way she had gone. Running blinding he turned the corner---and collided smack into Harry.
Draco looked with disdain as Harry picked himself off the floor. "Did you see where she went?" he barked impatiently.
Harry rubbed his shins and growled, "What are talking about, Malfoy? Don't you have a first year to go pick on?"
Draco flashed him dirty looked and yelled, "DAMNIT! Did you see where Ginny went, you jackass?!"
"What the hell are you doing!" shouted Harry grabbing Draco by the collar of his robes "You git, can't you just leave her alone!"
Draco pushed out of Harry grasp in a rough movement and shouted, "Harry, you are a clueless twit! Haven't you figured out what's going here!"
"What are you talking about!?"
"You---look I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!! JUST TELL WHICH WAY SHE WENT!"
"Do I look like a fool to you?!" bellowed Harry.
Draco rolled his eyes thinking, 'YES,' but saying exasperated, "Goyle was following her, Harry."
"So, Ginny can deal with that clod headed fool."
"HARRY, didn't you hear about Michele?"
Harry had Draco by the collar again. "Don't you DARE INDICATE THAT GINNY IS THAT TYPE OF GIRL, YOU BASTARD!!"
Draco did punch him this time, hard, in the chest. "I'm NOT SAYING THAT!!! Did you think Michele had any choice in what happened, you twit! Of course not. God, you are so stupid…"
Harry stepped back eyes wide. "Are saying that---I mean he-he forced---"
"Now can you tell me where she is, so we can find her before he does?!!"
Harry didn't hesitate. "The East Corridor. I think she's heading for the owlry tower."
Before the words had left his mouth, the two of them went tearing down the hall.
Ginny let the portrait shut behind as she stumbled blindly from the Gryffindor common room clutching her blade in trembling fingers. She resisted the urge to cut in her dorms because she wasn't sure when people would be coming back and instead headed down the steps towards the owlry tower. Where it was quiet, and safe and alone. Anything, anything at all was better than the horrible pain in her chest. The ache in her legs was miniscule in comparison. She headed swiftly down another winding corridor and up another, racing flights of stairs to what she thought was salvation…constantly unaware of the dark shadow following her.
She felt dirty and disgusted with herself. What had she done to make him look at her that way? Had it been her laughter, her dancing? 'I must have acted like a complete slut,' she berated herself as her throbbing temples matched her throbbing legs. 'What if Ron saw me? Or Harry? Or Draco?' the thought of Draco made her shudder inwardly as she remembered his face pleading with her to sit down. 'He must have seen what a spectacle I was making of myself. He was probably trying to get me to stop from mortifying the whole school,' she thought with increasing misery over the situation building up. Yet he had said she would get hurt and he knew…knew about her-what had he called it--- fear high? How had he known? It didn't matter. All that matter was that her life was coming apart in pieces and she needed to cut so badly…
She entered the owlery tower and collapsed almost instantly on the floor. She let her wand roll un-thought of from her hand and grasping her knife was ready to blade her pain away when suddenly she heard some one say, "That's a pretty blade Gin, but not as pretty as you little waist."
She froze. It was Goyle.
"What are doing here?" she croaked, her throat filling with the bitter taste of bile as she pulled herself off the floor.
"Well, you left in such a hurry, I was worried about you…didn't mean to scare you."
Ginny's face turned ashen white with terror. She began to back up slowly, keeping both his hands and his wand insight. "Please, Goyle-"
"Didn't we decide on Gregory?"
"Fine. Gregory. Please leave me alone. I'm sorry if I g-gave you the wrong impression tonight but I'm really, really---
"Oh, you didn't give me the wrong impression."
"Then could you please leave?" she said desperately, shuddering at the high pitched tone her voice acquired.
Goyle was still advancing slowly towards her with that menacing look on his face. "I could leave…" he said "But there are so many other things we could do."
He was advancing on her predatory style and she felt her blood running cold. The blade in hand was useless against him and her wand was still lying on the floor. Fighting through the fear her mind raced at ways of saving herself…but Goyle was talking again.
"I could put a body binding spell on you…but what's the fun it that?" he said smirking darkly. Suddenly he grew grimly serious and made a mad dash for her that Ginny side swept, banging into the wall startling owls right and left as she choking out, "I'll tell Ron and when he finds you he'll KILL YOU!"
Goyle spat, "You think? That's what Shelly said. You know Michele? Swore that people would find out and kill me. Guess what? I'm still alive and everybody thinks she's the school slut." He hissed. "No one will look at you like anything other than a pathetic little slut ever again."
Ginny wasn't sure exactly what happened, but something about what he said made her snap. Her white hot temper shot through her as she thought, damned if she was going to let this bastard completely ruin her life her already crumbling life. In a moment of pure chance she made a dive for her wand just as he made a dive for her. But before he could catch hold of her, she screamed something. Blinding pain shot through his eyes as he realized the hex she had shot at him. "DAMN YOU BITCH, COME BACK HERE!" he screamed blinded by the searing heat in his eyes.
Ginny was already making a mad dash toward the door. She was blinded in a terror she had never known before and knew one thing only: she had to get out; if Goyle caught her again she was finished. Half running half tripping down the stairs she ignored that her dress was ripped and her beautiful hair was undone and disheveled. She just had to get out and get far far away. Goyle was up and making his way after her bellowing. Ginny ran faster, tripping over the last step and stumbling to get up again. Tears were streaming down her face and blurring her vision and her legs were beyond numb. 'Keep going,' she thought franticly 'keep going and get away...'
She had picked herself up from the floor and was trying to remember which way led to the grounds and which was a dead end when suddenly she heard voice that almost made her freeze again. Goyle was almost at the bottom and he was thundering like a roaring manticore, but just as he reached the bottom Draco and Harry burst in to view.
Harry was breathless and confused. Ginny was in danger and Draco of all people was trying to help him; it didn't make a bit of sense he thought. But that was erased when he saw Ginny running down the hall in front of him, and he heard Goyle yelling above. He froze. 'This can not be happening,' he thought 'This CAN NOT happen!'
Draco was hit with the reality of the situation when he saw Ginny fleeing. He knew he couldn't think about details or else he would freeze up inside, but he was washed over with an anger so great he could feel it bubbling at the bottom of his soul.
Goyle reached the bottom of the steps, his wand raised in preparation for the demise of his redheaded victim. Instead he saw a white Harry and blazing Draco. "SHIT!" he hissed, fear rushing over him as he started to tear down the hall away from the two.
Draco had to admire the speed at which Harry screamed a hex that just missed Goyle as ran for his life. Turning to face his old enemy who was already making his way after Goyle he called "Kill him. I'm getting Ginny."
******************************************************************************
Draco made a mental note to talk to Dumbldore about the design of the damn school as he ran through the endless halls and corridors trying to follow the sound of Ginny's footsteps and heavy sobbing breaths. He had called to her several times that he wouldn't hurt her, but she was in too much shock to listen, (that he thought or the thought of seeing him didn't exactly put her mind at ease.) He was beginning to wish he had sent Harry after; she probably would have stopped for him. Turning the next corner he heard a door slam. Reaching the end of the hall and pushing it open he abruptly found himself outside in the frosty night. Two things occurred to him as he watched Ginny's still terrified figure tear across the frost bitten ground. One was that her dress was sleeveless and the cold was going to get to her very soon. Two was that she was heading straight for the Forbidden Forest.
Willing himself forward Draco followed her.
Ginny was sure that her lungs would explode. She couldn't breathe or think any longer and the only coherent thought she could decipher was that she had to get way, quickly. Her instincts told her she was being followed and she pushed herself harder. As she reached the Forbidden Forest she felt incredible relief wash over her; Goyle was too much of a coward to follow her there. Pushing blinding through the undergrowth she knew soon her legs would collapse from underneath her, but it didn't matter; he would never find her in the forest and she would be safe. That was her last thought as her knees buckled and she fell to the ground.
As Draco reached the forest edge he stopped leaning wearily up against a tree in an attempt to catch his breath that was coming out in billowing white clouds. The air cut through his lungs as he listened for the sound of her running. Quite suddenly it stopped and Draco assumed that she had either stopped fleeing or collapsed, his instincts leaning towards the latter. The slight relief he felt that she was no longer running was over shadowed by the sharp realization that the cold would reach her faster if she were laying still. Pushing forward through the branches of the huddled trees he sought her out with renewed urgency
As he pushed his way through the bushes and brambles he found himself cursing every child book he had ever been read.
'Damn all that stupid nonsense they tell us,' he swore 'The girl's in distress and the evil villain captures her with out a trace, But does that stop the hero, the wonderful shining prince? NO! He knows exactly where she is because LOVE just guides them to one other…What kind of bullshit is that!? In real life there is no prince just some git who hasn't got a clue where he's going-' "AAaahhH" a branch whacked into his forehead at that moment. 'And he gets half killed in the process, probably never finds her, and if he does he has to give her to the real hero even if HE is a clueless twit and---' "OWwww" (his arm caught in tangle of brambles.) '-And love and the power of the heart has nothing to do with anything, and doesn't lead you anywhere---' "AAHhhoOOOUUuu" THUD. He tripped over a tree root and fell forward about two feet. Rising slowly from the ground his train of thought stopped abruptly…she was there lying prone on the ground in front of him.
Half-stumbling to her side, Draco checked her breathing and made a quick assessment of the wounds she had received during her trek through the forest. Satisfied that she had no major injuries he picked up her limp body and made the journey back to the castle.
***************************************************************************************
Harry paced the corridor he had chased Goyle down impatiently. Draco and Ginny weren't back and he was getting worried. Goyle lay in a heap at the end of the hall. Between the body-binding curse, the tongue freezing hex, the jelly bones curse and number of other painful hexes Harry had disposed on him, he wasn't going anywhere. It had taken all of Harry's self-control to keep him from just finishing Goyle off for good. He wasn't sure that Draco wasn't serious when he had called out 'Kill him.' 'Where are they?' he thought frantically.
As if to answer him Draco appeared a minute later looking much worse for wear. "Where is she?" cried Harry rushing up to him.
"Where's Goyle?" asked Draco with a deadly look on his face.
"In a pile at the end on the hall."
"Is he dead?"
"No, but he has enough curses on him to keep him from moving for the rest of his life."
Draco snorted something nasty about ' bullshit Gryffindor nobility' but signaled for Harry to follow him. "She's in here," he said.
He led Harry to a room in an unknown corridor off the Slytherin common room. Opening the door Harry found a bed, a night table and a few other items. Draco muttered 'luminous' to light the dim room, where Ginny lay sleeping in the bed.
Harry automatically went to her checking her to make sure she was all right. Satisfied that she was not hurt beyond some minor cuts and bruises he looked up at Draco asking "What is this room?"
Draco shrugged. "I wanted a room of my own. This is it."
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Just like that, you got your own room?"
Draco smirked impassively. "My dad is Lucious Malfoy, I get what ever I want."
He jerked his head towards the door signaling that they leave, ignoring Harry's disgusted grimace. Harry tip toed out and shut the door behind him, before turning to face Malfoy who was leaning with his usual casual arrogance against the outside wall. Something about his attitude made Harry furious; he himself was working hard to keep from completely freaking out over the whole situation and Draco looked as though nothing had happened!
Bursting out the first think that came to his mind he accused, "You KNEW the truth about Michele and you kept quiet about it! What kind of bastard are you!"
Draco looked up at Harry with a snarl on his face. "Once again Potter, you don't have clue what you're on about."
"Bullshit! You knew and you sat on it! That makes you just as bad as he is! Of course can we really be surprised that You would do something like that? It is YOU after all…"
"For YOUR INFORMATION, POTTER. I didn't know about Michele." He growled at Harry's disbelieving snort, but continued by saying, "The way Goyle was bragging, you couldn't really tell. I just couldn't see Michele doing-that-with him, like that. I couldn't see it and God knows, Goyle is capable of anything. He may be stupid, but he's ruthless. Then when I saw him after Ginny…things just sort of fell into place. Okay, Potter? So just shut your face up about it already. I was the one who said to kill him."
But Harry wasn't satisfied, even though he knew in his heart of hearts that Draco was probably telling the truth he was so angry, confused and bitter that he spat out, "How do I know you weren't in on it? How do I know you haven't done anything to Ginny?"
The minute he said it he regretted it. Draco looked fit to kill. He pulled out his wand ready to scream a curse when a loud thud came from in side the room. Both of them froze, then rushed to the door.
***********************************************************************************************
Ginny was awoken but the sound of shouting outside her door. Opening her eyes cautiously she found her self in the bed of a dark room. Still completely disoriented she assumed it was her dorm and sat up quickly, throwing the blanket aside. She was greeted by the site of her shredded dress, which quickly brought back the memories of the earlier events. Thinking over everything with the dance and Goyle made her feel intensely nauseous, only to be surpassed by the pervious self disgust.
"What was I thinking?" she bemoaned softly, rubbing her temples. As with every other problem she faced her first thought was of her knife, which she presumed to be in the drawer of 'her' nightstand, as she had forgotten that it was laying on the steps of the owlery tower, dropped during her flight.
Without thinking, she pulled out the drawer next to her too quickly causing it come crashing to the floor and creating the loud thud heard outside the door. Before she could contemplate the mess, or the fact that the items in the drawer were not hers, the door burst open producing, of people she thought, Harry and Draco Malfoy.
'She looks like a unicorn in a hunter's trap' thought Harry as he made his way to her. The shimmer charm on her dress was gone, as was the flush and sparkle of the dance, leaving her just a pale and frightened girl in a thin, torn dress. Draco looked her and at the drawer, with its spilled contents, lying on the floor, his expression growing steadily darker. He muttered the 'luminous' charm again, but kept his position at the door with his arms folded, working on his expression until it bordered on indifferent.
"Where am I?" asked Ginny looking around her at the strange room. Harry answered, "You're safe now. This is a private room of Malfoy's; no one will disturb you here."
"Goyle?" she asked faintly. Harry's eyes narrowed. "He's taken care of for now. Draco brought you here and no one knows but us two."
Ginny looked questioningly at Draco, who gave a tight nod, not trusting himself to speak yet. He kept looking from the drawer to her and then to the drawer again. But Harry was talking,
"Did-did he ---hurt you, Ginny?" She knew by his expression what he was referring to. She caught Draco rolling his eyes at the phrasing, but answered as calmly as she could, "He hurt me, but not like that. I got away first."
Harry heaved a sigh of relief and Draco's stance relaxed a fraction of an inch. She still wondered why he didn't say anything. She remembered his words at the party and wondered again if he guessed her behavior would bring about the reaction it did from Goyle, or if he had been alluding to something else. As it was, the expression on his face was indifferent, but also almost angry?
Harry kept repeating that she was safe and that everything was taken care. Finally Draco shot her one piercing stare before he asked her, "What were you looking for, Ginny?"
Harry ignored him but Ginny froze. "What?" she asked nervously.
"You heard me, what were you looking for?" repeated Draco, gesturing to the spilled drawer. Harry looked confused at his insistence, on the trivial matter, but Ginny swallow hard, her throat feeling suddenly dry. "I-I thought I was in my dorm…and I was looking…"
"Looking for what?" Draco insisted. He wasn't sure why he was pushing the issue, except for the fact that somehow he knew it needed to come out then and there, in front of Harry. If he wanted to simper over her playing hero he damn well needed to know what the hell was going on.
"Look Draco, could you just drop what ever your point is? She's obviously tired and---"
"HARRY!" Draco yelled "WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR ONCE!"
Harry was so surprised by the sudden out burst that he actually did close his mouth. Draco walked over to the nightstand and began to sort through the items spewed across the floor. He finally picked out a tiny bronze dragon figurine and placed it in her hand. She looked confused and Harry started muttering again, when Draco pressed the eye on the dragon like a little button. A fine sharp blade shot out of the dragon's mouth. Ginny jumped and Harry just stared sputtering "W-w-wwhat are you-you twit-why---"
The next thing Ginny did silenced Harry immediately. She took the blade carefully and drew the broad side the knife slowly down her arm and across her palm. "Yours?" she asked in voice barely above a whisper. Just for a moment time stood still. Worry and triumph collided on Draco's face while Ginny sat up straighter mesmerized by the blade in her hand and Harry stood gaping at the scene in front of him, slowly putting two and two together.
Unfortunately he came up with the sum of twenty-two. "Oh my God…OH MY GOD GINNY! You were trying to-you were going to kill yourself!! Oh my GOD!" He was pacing up and down raking his hands furiously through his hair. "I didn't know, I didn't see" Suddenly he grabbed Ginny by the shoulders practically screaming "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!"
Draco let his head fall into his hands at Harry's out burst. If there was one thing you never told a cutter it was that they were suicidal. But Ginny was already saying, "Harry, you've got it all wrong… I wasn't trying to kill myself. Harry please stop…I-I was just c-c-cutting."
Harry froze. "What?"
"She said she was cutting, you git, what part of that didn't you understand?"
"STAY OUT OF THIS MALFOY! Ginny what's going on?"
Ginny swallowed again and looked pleadingly at Draco. His expression softened a fraction but he refused to bail her out of the situation. "I-I was cutting," she repeated, feeling suddenly stupid.
"Cutting what?"
She lowered her eyes and chewed at her bottom lip. "M-M-myself."
For a second Harry was silent. Then came the bellowing, "WHAT!!!!!!"
The unshed-able tears where beginning to build up again behind her eyes. "I was upset about the party, and I just wanted to be alone and to take some of the hurt away so I went to the owlery to---to cut…"
Harry jumped back at least a foot away from her. "You-you cut yourself? WHY?!"
"I told you!" she cried desperately "To make the hurt go away…"
Harry kept gasping like a fish out of water. "You…you CUT yourself to make the PAIN go AWAY? Ginny that's MAD!"
"Oh, brilliant, hero. Any other poetic remarks you can come up with?" growled Draco. He somehow knew that Ginny had to tell someone about what she was doing to herself. He thought that maybe saying it out loud would make her look at her cutting differently, but Harry's reaction was not helping.
"ONE MORE WORD FROM YOU MALFOY AND I RIP YOUR THROAT OUT!!"
"Harry!" cried Ginny, bring his attention back to her "I don't expect you to understand, but please try to. S-sometimes…there is this ache inside of you and you can't DO anything about it! You can't stop it or control it. But this…" she gestured to the knife still in her hands. "This you can …"
Harry was stepping back shaking his head from side to side, eyes wide and still methodically raking at his hair. Seeing his expression Ginny struggled harder to put the hurricane of emotions rampaging inside her to words.
"I can't control you or Ron or what happens at home or what happens to me at school. They're all these little hurts and they build up inside like a huge weight or a boulder or something and they just crush down til I can't breath or think or feel anything but that horrible ache…and--and I need something-anything-to take it away. The pain that comes from a blade I can control and manipulate. The cuts and bleeding that's something I can deal with and for every scar I get, the ache inside is a little bit less…"
Harry was still staring blankly. He opened his mouth to say something but was shut up by a bitter laugh.
Draco stood up from his position by the side of the bed and leaned over the side of the bed to look Ginny in the face. "You're lying to yourself," he said, not even trying to keep the hurt, anger and sorrow out of his voice. Ginny sat up straighter as if surprised by his words and blinking rapidly she stuttered, "W-what do you mean?"
Draco was furious, furious that someone had to go through this, that someone like her had to feel the way she did and that she still hadn't realized what he had figured out long ago. "Tell me Ginny, you say a blade gives you control…who controls who? You control the blade or it controls you?"
She shook her head; eyes frightened. "No, it's not like that…"
"Oh isn't it? And what about the relief? Does it really make you feel better, bleeding yourself?"
"It does--"she insisted
"Then why is it the longer you cut the more you have to do it? If it was really solving all the mess inside you, then shouldn't that go away? But it doesn't, does it? It just gets worse and worse…"
"But---"
"Because the truth is that for every minute of relief a blade gives you, it adds ten pounds to the ache you say is ripping you up inside. How often did you cut when you first started? Once, maybe twice a month?"
"About that much…"
"And how often do you cut now?"
"I-I-I don't know…"
"Well I do! After every bad test and every Hogsmeade weekend and every fight with Ron and practically every class with Snape! And those are just the times I've noticed or seen you-Lord knows how many times I've missed! Ginny-"
He sat next her grasping her face in his hands forcing her brown eyes to look into his gray ones. "Ginny it's a death trap, a viscous cycle, where you either get hurt or you get hurt. What's the POINT!"
For a moment she sat there trembling, trying not to hear his words trying not to see his reasoning, then suddenly she got fiercely angry.
"Well what if it doesn't solve anything!? So what? It makes the pain stop even if only for just a few minutes and that's worth something! And what is it really? Lord everyone makes it sound so melodramatic. It's really just me and a blade and tiny thin paper cuts that hardly bleed at all. Cuts that stop hurting in less than a day. God, all they leave are tiny scars that nobody even SEES…"
"DANM IT GINNY I SAW THEM! I saw them as soon as you walked on the God Damn train!"
Draco pulled one of her arms forward tracing the scars that ran over it. "I see all of them Ginny, here and here." He turned her arm over and found the lightening bolt in the inside of her elbow "And here" he said. Ginny felt the tears surface on her eyes making the image of his face blurry, as her body shook uncontrollably. Draco lifted his hands to her face tracing his thumb across her eyes, "And the scars here…" he said. Then very carefully, so as not to frighten her, he put his hand over her heart.
"And here."
And the dam the had held her back from crying for so long finally broke and Ginny burst into violent sobs as the tears from months and months of silent hurts finally broke through. And without even thinking of exactly what he was doing Draco pulled her in to his arms and let her cry.
As Harry stood watching them, he felt his whole sense of perception turn up side down. He didn't know them, either one. And with out really comprehending what he was doing he turned around and left the room.
***************************************************************************************
Ginny wasn't sure how long she cried, or how long afterwards she sat still and just let her archenemy hold her. But quite suddenly she realized that was leaning against Draco's chest tracing the recent scars he had received chasing her in the Forbidden Forest and what was more she wasn't even focused on those scars but the pale silvery ones underneath them. She sat and wiped her face with her bare arm.
"You cut," she said. It wasn't a question.
Draco realized how much he hated to even think about the subject. The temptation to ignore the comment was strong but the look in her eyes stopped him. Carefully he said, "I used to."
Silence. "Why?" she asked finally.
He watched her face as she waited for him to answer, but he didn't want to talk about his life what it was really like under all the meanness he spouted out for all those around him. He didn't want to, but when she looked away, disappointed he found himself explaining in spite of himself.
"Why does anyone cut?! We all have our different reasons…or maybe it's all the same; I don't know. I mean it's not a very difficult situation to understand. My father's a Death Eater and my mother's---(he choked a little)---she just locks herself in her room and cries most of the time." He was getting angry in spite of trying to maintain his self-control. Draco liked spite and indifference, they were easy emotions to control, but anger was too unpredictable. Still she had dragged her this far…
"He hits my mother."
He pronounced the sentence with as little feeling as possible. It didn't fool Ginny. "And he used to hit me sometimes…but not often."
Ginny tried not to gasp as her mind began to slowly adjust the mental picture she had drawn of Draco's home life.
"When I was little I used to listen to them fighting and then to her crying…And I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even scream," he continued coldly "I discovered knives when I was very young." He wasn't looking at her anymore but at some invisible point just over her shoulder. "When I was cutting I felt like I was doing something to help her…to help me…" he suddenly laughed very bitterly "Amazing what we fool ourselves into believing, isn't it?"
He didn't notice her hand come up to brush his hair out of his eyes, but her touch startled him enough to make him jump slightly. The movement brought them in eye contact again.
"How did you ever stop?" she asked.
Draco shifted his weight slightly and let himself remember back to what had happened all that time ago. "I was a kid when I started cutting," he began slowly. "I didn't know what to cut and what not to…I slit my wrist once accidentally." Ginny fought the urge to gasp again and silently turned over his hands. Sure enough, on the left side of his left wrist there was a scar more visible then the others.
"Anyway," he said quickly "I almost bled to death and when my father found out he was furious."
"Furious?"
Draco snorted, "He thought I was trying to kill myself. Lord, I was ten and even in my house, ten is little young to be trying to kill yourself. But he wouldn't believe me. Maybe he knew what kind of hell he made the place, I don't know, and under any circumstances but he was still ready to kill me. Said Malfoys weren't cowards and only cowards killed themselves. He thrashed me over that and it sort of became a battle of wills; I would cut, he would find out and thrash me; then he started hexing my blades and hiding anything sharp… it got to the point where I was cutting because I couldn't cut in peace. Then the letter from Hogwarts came and there was the whole bustle about that…And one day when we were in Diagon Alley getting things for school, I was so angry and frustrated; he had left my mother bleeding in her room again I couldn't get a blade anywhere. And while we were walking, this kid--- I don't know who he was--- ran into me. And I just blew up at him. I felt really bad about it but then my father came up and practically congratulated me. He was proud of me. It seemed worth it at the time…"
Draco slowed the narrative as he reached the end. "It just seemed to fit; the lashing out at people…it completed the whole stupid family cycle. And then I left for Hogwarts and being away from home helped. I didn't stop cutting right away, it took a couple of years…it was just that the meaner I was, the easier it was to ignore the rest-of it all. It got clearer eventually, what the cutting was really about…but not for awhile."
He stopped, not sure what her reaction would be. Suddenly the whole story of his life seemed lame. He felt his face muscles tighten, drawing the look of cold indifference over his present one of hurt. It was hard to think of those times, because for all that he had stopped cutting he could not bring himself to regret the years he had gotten by with a blade. In many ways it was still easier to hurt himself then to hurt other people.
As if she had read his mind she asked, "Why do you pretend to be a hateful bastard when you're not?"
"Oh, Don't fool yourself, Ginny. I AM hateful. I just wasn't always."
Ginny swallowed as she tried to see past the sheet of ice that he kept around himself. It was so hard to see him as anything more than a mean jerk who liked watching others suffer. His gazed shifted back to that invisible point just behind her shoulder as she took his hand uncertainly. At her touch his eyes narrowed like he was trying to focus on something far away from them both. Searching for some connecting point she carefully ran her fingers of the scar on his wrist…and that's when she saw it. The flash of humanity in his gray eyes that made him human and hurting just like she was.
Letting go of his hand she drew her knees up to her chest. "You know the worst thing about cutting---"
"Besides the scars?"
"Besides the scars," she affirmed with a slight smile that faded quickly "Is how alone you are." He nodded in silent agreement
"You can't tell anyone-"
"Because they won't understand," he said.
"And you don't know what they'll say or think about you…"
"And when they do find out they always think you're a suicidal manic."
Ginny shivered. "They don't understand that you're not trying to die…"
"You're trying to live," he finished.
"I don't want to be alone anymore," she whispered hugging her knees tightly. The loneliness was like winter, a beautiful frosty change at first, but one that got colder and colder the longer it ran on.
"You won't have to be."
He said it so quietly she almost didn't hear him. Almost.
Draco stood very suddenly and straightened his robes. "You're staying here tonight, and don't worry, no one will find you. Get some sleep." His face was completely expressionless as he made his way to the door. 'Funny how little that matters when you've seen someone in the face clearly,' she thought.
Suddenly she laughed softly, "And things will be better in the morning?"
He finally cracked a small grin. "Yeah…maybe."
**************************************************************************************
The first thing Darco saw upon closing the door was Harry. He was still standing there with that blank numb expression on his face.
"Have people come back from the dance yet?" he asked
Harry rubbed his temple blankly, "Yeah most have."
Draco made a moved to leave the hall. "Where are you going?" asked Harry
"To Dumbledore of course. What, do you think we should leave Goyle in the middle of the hall until your hexes wear off? Try and use that brain you're supposed to have, Potter."
"What about Ginny?" asked Harry glancing towards the door.
"What about her? She's sleeping."
Harry took a deep shuddering breath. "I guess that's better for her, so she doesn't have to meet anyone else tonight. I better go to Professor MacGongal and explain things. You're telling them about Goyle so I mine as well give her a briefing of what happened. She'll keep quiet."
Draco didn't bother responding to Harry's thinking out loud. He felt like he was both physical and emotionally spent.
Harry suddenly stopped in the hall and practically collapsed. "What are we going to do about her?! I mean I never thought-never guessed….I should have known! I should have seen it! YOU saw it---how could I MISS something this big!"
"Potter will you get a grip," Draco barked roughly. "You didn't see it because you didn't know what to look for. Now you know, so just drop it."
"You mean it's okay now? You got through to her? She'll stop doing that-that-she'll stop hurting herself now?"
Draco didn't mean to laugh again, but he did laugh, even more bitter than the last. "NO, she's not going to stop cutting just like that Potter. She still has all the same damn issues to work through, do you think that you and I knowing are going to change all that and somehow make it all better!? Stop being a twit."
Harry digested Draco's words and then continued to walk forward, this time silently. Finally he said, "We shouldn't tell anyone right?"
"Glad you managed to deducted that one, Potter," hissed Draco sarcastically.
Harry was getting tired of Draco's attitude really quickly, but swallowed his retort in favor of getting information about Ginny. "But what can I do? You-(it choked him to admit I)t-you were right when you said I didn't have a clue about what was going on. So what can I do?"
Draco almost groaned out loud. He didn't want to have this talk with Harry in the middle of the night when he was so tired he felt like his body and his soul had been wracked. Still he thought, better to have it now before he arses up everything in the morning by doing something stupid.
"Just don't make a big deal of it okay? When she looks upset don't be an ass and go asking if she's about to cut or been cutting. Trying and distract her. Don't ever hide her blade or trying to keep sharp things away from her; she'll know and get angry. And another thing: when she's with you guys and she gets that glazed look in her eyes try to bring her into the conversation. Don't force her in but don't let her loose herself either. You think you can handle that Hero?"
"Okay," said Harry, checking off his words like items on a list. "What about winter holidays? Ron and Hermione and I were going to the Grangers…"
"Good. She can stay here then. I'm staying and I'll keep an eye on her. She needs some time away from the Dream Team," said Draco.
"Oh yeah, just what she needs, to spend the holidays with an over stuffed prat who-"
"Who was the only one who figured out what was going on POTTER. If it'd been left up to you, she'd be dead by now!"
Harry wanted to shout something, to mutter a thousand hexes and curses at Draco, but the nagging person in the back of his head kept whispering Draco had a point. Instead he tried to think of something that he could do right. "Tomorrow I'll get her some flowers, lilies or something," Harry said smiling triumphantly.
"Harry for THE LOVE OF MERLIN she cuts herself! You don't get her flowers for something like that!!"
"Look Draco you may know about cutting but you don't know a thing about making her feel better. I'm not trying to pretend everything is okay I just want to try and make her smile!"
Draco scowled, but swallowed down the list of profanities he had in mind. Finally he said, "Alright, get her flowers. But don't get lilies, get her irises, she likes those. And maybe some tulips, but defiantly irises, you know the blue ones and the bits of yellow in side."
He didn't understand why Harry froze and turned to look at him with an odd twisted expression. He figured it was just exhaustion. He didn't even question when Harry opened his mouth as if to say something and then shut it thinking better of his words.
Harry was trying to deal with the idea of seeing Malfoy as a person with a character beyond the asshole he always was. He opened his mouth to ask him how he had known about the flowers but stopped. Some how saying it out loud would make it a little too real for him and perhaps he wasn't quite ready to except the new situation. Perhaps he wasn't quite ready to admit that he had lost Ginny, or more importantly that he had never really had her to begin with. It didn't really matter in the end, he told himself, the important thing was that she was safe.
"It's a shame we haven't done the hard part yet," murmured Harry.
"We haven't?"
"Ron still doesn't know."
Draco cringed in spite of himself. "We leave that for later. Much much later."
As they reached the almost empty ballroom they saw that Dumbledore was standing just out of the way already waiting for them with MacGongal not far behind. Draco stopped just before entering the room. "I am so tired. When this is over I'm going to bed and not moving for the next century."
"Yeah, so am I," said Harry "And in morning things will be better."
Draco sighed. "Yeah… Maybe."
And maybe, just maybe….they would be.
The End
The vote was: Harry: 18 Draco: 52
Okay: First and for most to all you Harry/Ginny shippers I am REALLY sorry. I am usually a H/G shipper, really! But I just couldn't see him being able to grasp the situation I put Ginny in. I promise I'll write a nice H/G fic really soon to make up for it, so please please please don't be too mad at me? *smiles her best puppy dog smile* I hope most of you liked this. Review and tell me what you think.
Now:
To Not Saying: I know how you feel, I really do. I hope I got it right, the way I described cutting and I hope it helps a little to see what it does to you. Please hang in there and know that you aren't alone and hopefully this part of your life will pass. But do realize that cutting doesn't help your problems…it just adds something else to them.
Lana Mari: I hate it when I miss mistakes like that. I don't have a beta reader and I have to keep re reading my work for correction, naturally I miss stuff. Thanks for catching that one. And sorry to any mistakes I may have made and not caught.
Grace and Amanda Macini: I do cut, but I'm trying to quit. I come from a very Weasley type family, and things can get kinda crazy around here. I started cutting awhile ago, but I know it's wrong. Writing about it helps though…sorta keeps things in perspective. Thanks for the concern.
Gilderoy Lockhart: You had the most insightful review of all. I definitely agree a guy certainly doesn't solve these problems and I hope you like the way I ended this.
Meep da Sheep: About that cave in the Himalayas, do they cost much? Could I rent one?
Kiara: I love long rambling essays as reviews
All that Glitters and Anyone who has friends who cut: Please be patient with us and try to understand. We don't like what we do, it just seems to make things a little easier on ourselves. I'm not saying it's right…it just IS.
