~Disclaimer: Okay, this is a crossover between.....a lot of Square games. I don't own any of the characters, I never will, and I'm too poor to be sued for not owning them. Sue me, and you'll get my shoes. Anyone offended by this story hurts my feelings. Also, this story has hella SPOILERS for Final Fantasies 7-9, Xenogears, Vagrant Story, and Chrono Cross.
P.S., No matter what they say, pork is not a white meat.~
Sorceress' Knight
Chapter One: The First Chapter
Yes, you would think that defeating Ultimecia would end that whole "evil sorceress" thing, wouldn't you? Of course it didn't, because of time travel and great big plot holes created by the writers and even bigger plot holes that I myself will create just so I'll have an excuse to write this magically delicious saga of love, war, pie, dragons, guns, guns, big guns, s-words, and medieval fetish wear. Yes, medieval fetish wear is the greatest thing ever made by man. Don't you EVER forget that.
Anyway, let us begin. It was a dark and stormy night at Balamb Garden. Okay, I lied, it was bright and sunny, and the birds were singing la la la. Today would mark the two-week anniversary of Squall Leonhart's return from being dead. Of course, Squall could had gave a shit less about that, being alive again and all, but when a guy decides to date Rinoa Heartilly, basically that meant that every little event had at least four different anniversaries that had to be celebrated each year. This was no exception.
Squall sat at his dorm room desk, which Rinoa had decorated to look like a dinner table, complete with candlelight. That meant that she was cooking dinner. Which meant that he would either be constipated for the next three days, or he would had food poisoning later that night. Either way, he was dreading this event horribly, and found himself wishing that he was dead again. Or better yet, he wished that he had took up one of the many offers Quistis had made of her body over the several years that he had known her. But no, here he was, taking his Pepsid AC.
He glanced over at his beloved PS7, which he longed to play his vintage Tekken 3 and some Final Fantasy 7. Squall liked the ending of disk one of the latter. Something about that chick getting ran through with a big honking sword made it all that much more dear to him. Of course, it was also known fact in Balamb that everything that happened in FF7 was historical fact. It was in the history books of how Sephiroth Hojo was the first truely documented and researched sorcerer 150 years ago and how EVIL he was, despite the 15 years of humanitarian work he did in the military, not the mention the three orphanages he built. With his bare hands. AFTER he went insane. And of course, like any other true story, a video game had to be made of it. Just like Dragon: the Bruce Lee Story. Squall secretly admired Mr. Sephiroth, thus why he wore all black leather, said next to nothing, and carried the closest thing to a big honking sword that he could find these days: a big honking gunblade. But we all knew that already.
"Squa~lly-Poo!~" Rinoa sang from the little kitchen area; Squall could smell burnt...something. "Dinner's almost rea~dy!"
"I wish I was still dead," he mumbled toward Rinoa.
"What? Speak up, dar~ling! I can't hear you!"
"Pie mixes well with bread, doesn't it?"
"Sure does, Honey-Bunches-of -Oats!"
Squall cringed at that name. It was bad enough that she had a million embarassing pets names for him already, but the cereal name was too much. Damn General Mills and their horrid names! He slumped over and listened to Rinoa's pot banging and off-key singing of "Eyes on Me". He really wished that she'd learn a different song.
*****
In Esthar, Laguna Lore sat in his big spacious office at his desk, surfing the
Internet and reading Gundam Wing fanfics. Yes, that's what the Estharian people
were paying that man to do everyday. He chuckled loudly at a fic about WuFei in
a dress, because any fic that had WuFei in it was funny. I mean, who the hell
writes about WuFei? Anyway, as he sat doing his daily duties, Kiros ran into
the room. He had also opened the door before running in.
"Laguna!" the robed man shouted in a panic; the other man quickly closed the window on his computer that had the fics in them, revealing another window that read "How to be a Good President".
"Dammit, Kiros, I told you knock before entering!" Laguna yelped.
"Sorry, man, but we have trouble! Looks like Ultimecia's up to no good again!" Laguna sat up and stared at his old friend in shock.
"What?! I thought Squall killed her two weeks ago in a fit rage and passion over the love of his life, Rinoa, and the pain and suffering that had been caused to all of those dear to him!"
Kiros shrugged, "Yeah, well, Ultimecia went to the future and saw her death, so she's figured out how to counter that!"
"How?"
"Uh, by not possessing Edea or Rinoa. She's gone further back into the past and even into the future to find other sorceresses!"
Laguna scratched his head at that explanation. Though he wasn't the smartest man in the world, he had enough common sense to know that it was plain odd that Kiros knew all that. I mean, think about it. How would anyone know what Ultimecia had foreseen her death? It's not like Ellone was there to- -Nevermind, I'm confusing myself.
"Kiros, to the Lagunamobile! We must talk with the experts to figure out a way to stop this."
"Lagunamobile?...."
"Nevermind, let's consult Doctor Odine and figure out how the heck we're suppose to counter her this time."
"Oh, yes," Kiros sighed with relief. Laguna joined the other man's side and they exited the room. Of course, they closed the door when they left. However, Laguna left the computer on. But that's beside the point.
*****
Seifer Almasy sat in his little mobile home watching television. Ever since
that stupid Rinoa had unleashed Adel from her space prison, everyone one on the
planet had been getting free cable. It was swell. The best part was, they were
getting channels from the space colonies, too. 500+ channels for free! Woo hoo!
Seifer was watching his new favorite channel, CNN23-5. It was all news. He
never got to watch the news as a kid, because at the orphanage, they always had
to watch what Zell and Selphie wanted, since they were the ones with Attention
Deficit Disorder and would go in violent fits of rage. So, it was always Sesame
Street and the Bear Show. To this day, Seifer still hasn't figured out what the
Bear Show was about, considering there were no bears on that show. Also, after
he was adopted, his parents didn't believe in the media (i.e., they were cheap
bastards), thus they had no tv. So he had to spend his days making macrame
vests and learning the ancient art of flower arranging; in effect, his little
mobile home was beautifully decorated and smelled like fresh flowers everyday.
And to add on to that, when he started going to Balamb garden, Fuujin would
only let him watch Oprah and Escaflowne, making Seifer one of the few people
that knew where all her rage came from.
So, now that he finally had his own place, he could watch the news in peace. And Martha Steward too. He loved that show. Continuing on, he was watching the news. And yes, this is an important part of the plot.
The ex-Balamb student leaned toward his little television, watching and listening intently to the big annoucement that the new President of Galbania, some weird guy with a Southern accent, was making.
". . .My fellow Galbanians, let it be known that we shall venture into space once again! The program that had been started several years ago by my late predescessor, Mr. President, is almost ready to begin. Project Noah was the code name, but it's really just a big spaceship. A really big spaceship. And we're gonna call it the S.S. Eldridge, after my dog, Eldridge. . ."
Seifer shrugged and leaned back into his couch. It was a waste of taxpayers' money, no doubt, but that's okay. He lived in Balamb, not Galbania. So, no big loss to him. Suddenly, he heard a voice in his head.
"Seifer, my knight! I need you once again!"
"Aw, poop!" Seifer spat, "It's you again, Mistress Ultimecia! Whaddya want?"
"I want you to go into the folds of time again, to find the right sorceress or sorcerer to combine with me! I must have vengence to what was done to me by the Lion Heart!"
"Lion Heart? Oh, you mean Squall. Yeah, kinda sucked that he killed you, eh?" Seifer laughed and changed the channel; it was time for the Naked Chef, his hero. Then something dawned on him. "Wait, how are you talking to me if you're dead?"
"I'm not dead yet, you fool! Squall and his party killed a future version of me!"
"Oh....." Seifer nodded in enlightenment. "So, uh, you're still planning on trying to become impotent or something?"
"IMPOTENT?! I shall become omnipotent, you fool!"
"Whatever. Anyway, not gonna do it. I'm on vacation." Seifer smiled as he watched all the girls on the screen molest the Naked Chef, imagining himself in that position. Being molested, not molesting, mind you.
"You must! I made you what you are!"
"What? The world's most hated romantic teenager? Thanks."
Ultimecia's voice sighed heavily in Seifer's head, then went silent. He could tell that she was still there, though. Kinda like those awkward pauses on the telephone and stuff.
Suddenly, she spoke again in a sweet voice, "How about I fix that little problem? I can get you all the women you want!"
Seifer's head lifted up, "Really? How?"
"By changing which sorceresses I use to obtain my goal, it changes history! Already, I have made it so I've never attempted to even possess Adel, Edea, or that Granola."
"Granola? Oh, Rinoa..." Seifer shrugged, "And?"
"YOU'RE NOT HATED ANYMORE!!!! IN FACT, YOU'RE CURRENTLY STILL ENROLLED AT BALAMB GARDEN!!!!" He could hear the evil sorceress huffing and puffing in his head. The she recomposed herself. "I mean, you still have a chance to fulfill your dream, my knight."
"Yeah, but your're EVIL. I want to be a good sorceress' knight, like for Matron or Sephiroth."
"SEPHIROTH WAS NOT GOOD!!!! HE WAS A FREAKING LUNATIC!!!!-- I mean, fine, my dear, I can arrange that too."
Seifer smiled to himself, "In that case, will do." He could feel Ultimecia sigh with relief and smile as well.
*****
Squall poked at his dinner with his fork. It was very crispy and black on the
outside, but whenever he punctured it, some type of green liquid would ooze out
of it. He cringed then caught himself and smiled nervously over at Rinoa. She
smiled back at him and waved cutely, though she was just across the table, er
desk.
"Go on, try it! It's your favorite!" she chirped, clasping her hands together in glee.
Squall poked it again, "It is?" He felt tears of sadness fill his eyes. How could this be chicken and wild rice?
From across the table, Rinoa gave him puppy-dog eyes, "Please, just taste it, sweetie?"
He nodded stiffly and picked up a knife to cut the thing on his plate with. As he cut it, green ooze bled out from the thing; Squall swore that he could hear it screaming out in pain as he sawed away. Then the phone rang.
"I'LL GET IT!!" Squall yelped as he shot up. He didn't give the phone enough time to ring a second time. "Hello?!"
"Hey, Squall, it's your father."
"Ah, damn. I thought it was someone else." Squall sighed angrily and stuck out his bottom lip, something he learned from Selphie (don't ask).
Laguna laughed, "Wowwie, Squall! You sure are funny! I dunno where you get it from... I mean, I was never that funny..."
In the background, Rinoa pouted and whined, "Squa~lly! What's tak~ing so long?"
Squall glanced back at his girlfriend, then at his dinner and cringed. He whispered into the phone, "This is for a SeeD mission, right?"
The older man sighed, "Well, yeah...but I dunno if you're up for it, I mean, getting killed the last time and all...And then having to gather up the other SeeD members you worked with--"
"--WE'RE SO ON OUR WAY!!" With that, Squall slammed down the phone and sped toward the door, only stopping to grab his jacket and gunblade. Then he shot out the door.
Rinoa stood there in her own little world, staring at the door her boyfriend had left through. Exactly two minutes later, Squall marched back in, grabbed Rinoa by the arm, then dragged her outside to the car.
