Chapter 2: Somebody's Gonna Get Hurt...and It's not Me

You guys are lucky. I almost named this chapter "Let's Do the Timewarp Again". You can send me flowers and expensive wine later.

Quistis Trepe sat in front of her computer checking her email. All she had was spam mail ads for Viagra, which for a moment, she seriously contemplating ordering and making jewelry out of the little pills. Don't ask, because I don't know either. Anyway, she sat there, then the door flew open. Then Squall walked in; he was by himself, because Rinoa refused to get out of the car. She was still upset about Squall not eating his dinner and then stopping at Taco Bell on the way to Balamb Garden. Oh, I forgot the mention Taco Bell last chapter.... Well, you know now. Squall marched up to his former comrade's desk and leaned over it.

"Yes?" Quistis asked, not taking her eyes of off the screen; a little dancing gif of a dead cow flashed and played a midi of "Desperado".

Squall smiled, "I missed you. I needed to see you again." Quistis lifted up her head slowly, her eyes wide from disbelief, but with a bit a joy. Squall laughed, "Just kidding! I knew that'd get your attention!" The blonde growled and went back to her computer; this time, she logged out of her email account and started a game of Tetris.

"Okay, you had your fun? What do you want?"

"We just got another SeeD mission."

"Whoopee, lemme guess," Quistis sighed, "She foresaw her own death and decided to counter that by possessing different sorceresses than Matron, Rinoa, or Adel. Right? Kinda predictable."

Squall blinked, "Uh, I dunno. Laguna didn't say."

Quistis shook her had and stood up, "I'm assuming Rinoa's already in the car?" Squall nodded and watched as she strolled out of the room.

*****


MEANWHILE, Zell Dimicht felt like punching some ass for a hotdog. Why he gets violent like that for a meat by-product is beyond my understanding. And why people think it's cute, is even more a mystery. I just wanted to mention that. Because it's Zell and his unhealthy obsession with hot dogs that is so cute. Eeyeah.... It's adorable. Nor does it have any homosexual implications. Not at all.

Same with punching ass. That's not homosexual in any manner whatsoever.

*****


"Hey, glad you guys all made it!" Laguna cried as he greeted the SeeDs. They were all still the same: Zell still had bad taste in clothes, Selphie wore a cute dress but ugly boots, Irvine still had a gun, Squall was.....Still Squall, Rinoa was still unlikable, and Quistis was still much smarter than the others were. Then again, it had only been two weeks. Had they change any at all during that time, it would had been tragic.

"So, what's the prob?" Zell asked, cracking his knuckles. Selphie lifted a brow at Zell and shook her head, then Irvine attempted to cling to her, but she moved out of the way, not noticing the faux cowboy falling flat on his face. Then Squall stepped on him on purpose, pretending not to see him. And so did Quistis.

Irvine sniffled and sat up. It was always like that for him, the most under appreciated guy in SeeD who could take out most of the enemies when he was at his limit break better than the whole lot of them combined. Not to mention, he was the one always reviving the losers when they were knocked out in battle. The jerks. He then laid back down. The view up Selphie's skirt was breathtaking. At that moment, Dr. Odine skipped into the room.

"O, it iz dee Seeeeeeeeeeeeeedz!" he sang. He then giggled at Squall, wiggled his nose, and then clicked his heels three times in the air.

"Okay..." Squall mumbled. "Let's just get this over with in time for Survivor XVII: the Arctic Tundra edition." Laguna nodded and smiled, glad to see that his son was gaining enthusiasm. Well, not really. Squall just wanted to get away from Odine. But you would too, trust me.

Laguna nodded again, "Well, like I said, Ultimecia's trying again to become the world's most powerful sorceress. But this time, she's taking a different route. We have a few ideas who she might target, but it's again all up to you!"

The audience appaulded.

At that point, the sliding doors to Odine's lab opened, and Ellone meekly walked in.

Squall lifted a brow, "What's Sis's doing here?--WAIT!!! NO!!! NO MORE TIME TRAVEL!!!!!!!!!!" He lounged toward Laguna and began throttling him violently, Laguna laughing the entire time.

"So....full....of....energy...." the Estharian president managed between beatings from his son. It took four men to pry Squall off of Laguna, and Zell and Irvine weren't amoung those four men.

It took a few minutes, but the room began to settle down. Squall sat in a chair, pouting and fuming over the prospect of time traveling again. Rinoa kept trying to give him a massage, but he kept replying, "You're doing it wrong, let Quistis do it." However, the blonde wouldn't go near him out of spite.

"Hey......." Selphie began, "wouldn't be easier if we just killed Rinoa right now to stop Ultimiecia. Then we wouldn't have to time travel." Her face lit up as she realized her brilliance, "BOOYAKA!!!"

The room went silent at that suggestion. The awkward silence caused Zell to want to punch some ass for a hot dog. Sensing the tattooed boy's edginess, Irvine began to slowly inch away from him. Selphie beamed. Squall silently commended Selphie for her logic, but refrained from mentioning that out loud, as did Quistis. Rinoa stood wide eyed in fear.

Rinoa let out a nervous laugh, "You guys really wouldn't kill me would you?" Everyone in the room halfheartedly agreed they wouldn't.

Ellone finally spoke up, "I'm sorry, Squall, but this is the only way! This time, we have to stop her!" Squall rolled his eyes, now where had he heard THAT one before?

*****

"RETARD," Fuujin promptly told Seifer after he had told her and Raijin of Ultimecia's plans. He nodded in agreement. They were sitting in the tiny living room of Seifer's mobile home, dining on fine cheeses and sausages. Oh, and booze!

"Yeah, she is really retarded."

"No, YOU. RETARD."

Seifer sniffed, feeling tears forming, but he fought them off. Raijin sat in front of Seifer's television, enthralled by the Bear Show.

"This show, you know, is genius, you know!" he gasped in awe. Seifer shrieked when he realized what Raijin was watching and promptly grabbed the remote. The channel flipped over to the Tom Green Appreciation channel, which consisted of nothing but people rubbing their bums in others' faces.

"Anyway," Seifer sighed, "We won't have to worry about kidnapping Rinoa again."

Raijin's face lit up, "That's good! She bit me, you know. Twice!"

Fuujin nodded in agreement, "INSANE."

Seifer chuckled then continued, "However, we're going to have to do time travel."

"HOW? NO ELLONE."

"Yeah, you know, we don't have that girl, you know with the powers?"

Seifer smiled, "Ah, Ultimecia took care of that problem by providing us with our own little version of Ellone." He gestured at the bedroom door, "Serge?"

At that moment, Serge appeared.

"......" he greeted. He sat down next to Fuujin, who nodded approvingly at the bluehaired boy.

"So, you know, where'd you find him?" Raijin asked, noting that the boy was dressed the way that Zell should had been dressed if he was going to wear shorts, dammit!

"......" Serge answered.

"FUTURE?" Fuujin affirmed. Serge nodded and laid back onto the couch that he, Fuujin, and Seifer were sharing. Seifer stood up and dramatically began rubbing his hands together.

"Heh, heh! Now, I'll will become Sephiroth's knight!" He threw back his head in laughter.

"......" said Serge.

"I agree with Serge, you know, " Raijin shrugged, "Becoming a sorcerer's knight sounds kinda....homosexual, you know."

"GAY," Fuujin agreed.

Seifer busted into tears and ran out the room.

*****


It was time, and the SeeD mercs stood in the lab. It had been decided that they would split up into different times. Some would go 2000 years into the past, 150 years in the past, 500 years into the future, 1000 years into the future, then 10, 000 years into the future. How Dr. Odine had come with those numbers, it was anyone's guess. Quistis thought she'd ask, just to be safe.

"Dr. Odine," she began as she watched Odine strap the time-space distortion enhancer on Ellone's head, "Uh, how exactly did you come up with these time periods?"

"O, dat is eeeeeeeeeeeazy!" he sang. "I flipz zee coin!"

"That's it! I'm leaving!" Squall spat.

"Then, you'll eat my dinner, snookums?" Rinoa asked starry eyed. Squall cringed and laughed nervously.

"Sure, darling, as soon as we stop Ultimecia," he lied.

"Okay~!" Irvine turned green at the thought of ever eating Rinoa's cooking again, and leaned over toward Squall.

"Dude, if you ever need a place to hide..."

Squall whispered back, "Thanks, man."

Dr. Odine finished adjusting the headgear that Ellone was wearing. Then he clapped his hands together and began spinning in circles. Selphie suddenly got excited and began spinning too, until she passed out.

At that point, Odine announced, "It iz time to go and stop deez witch! Tra-la-la-la!!" He threw the switch, and there went everyone.

*****


Quistis felt herself accelerating toward the ground; she squeezed her eyes shut, mumbled a prayer under her breath, then braced herself to hit the ground as the darkness swallowed her up. This was nothing like the last time, obviously. No pretty sunsets and going through the ocean and stuff. Just plain darkness.

Suddenly, she stopped falling. Quistis opened one eye, then both as she realized that she was laying on a rather uncomfortable bed in a rather uncomfortable position. She shifted herself and sat up slowly. Several large candles lighted the room and everything was made of wood. Not a single metal or plastic thing in there. She leaned back on the mattress of the bed, then realized that it was filled with straw of all things. She cringed. This was going to be lovely.

She sat up as she heard voices.

". . .I DID NOT!" a British male voice screamed, his voice cracking on the "not"; to Quistis it sounded like he couldn't had been any older than twenty.

Another voice replied, "You did so!" This time, it was a deeper, huskier voice, more Scottish sounding than Brit. Quistis began to panic as she hear the bickering and footsteps come closer to the room.

"Let's forget it for now. I grow weary of this nonsense."

"You ALWAYS say that when you're wrong!" The deeper voice went into a falsetto, " 'Oh, John, I can't STAND when you're right, let's just call it a night--"

"--Stop that--"

"--The heavens forbid it that I be wrong! Oh, no! Not me! Not--" There was a loud metallic clank at that point, and then a even louder yelp from the older man.

The door to the room opened.

Quistis held her breath and stand rigidly as the door opened. She then smiled and waved at the two men standing in the doorway: Sydney Losstarot and John Hardin. Hardin had his hand up to his face, holding his bleeding nose, while Sydney had a look that would kill any elder woman in an instant, but changed into surprised as he saw Quistis. Hardin smiled weakly and waved back at the woman with his free hand.

"What in the hell?" Sydney mumbled, he then turned to Hardin, "Did you order a another whore?" The older man shook his head.

"You know I have no money!"

"No, I meant for......sacrificing reasons." Quistis's eyes widened, and she jumped up running, trying to make a break to the door. But Sydney and Hardin pretty much still blocked the way.

"Now, now, deary," Hardin sighed, "You must tell us where you be from, and why the ridiculous shade of rouge for ye robes." Sydney chuckled and gestured back at the bed.

"We were joshing with you! We mean no harm....though, I am bit curious as to why you're in our room....."

"So am I," Quistis mumbled.

*****


Selphie woke up on a beach; the last thing she remembered was spinning around with Dr. Odine. But now, she was alone on a beach. Not that that was a bad thing, considering that it was nice and mild, and the beach was prettier than Balamb's by far. Suddenly, she was hit in the head with a rock. A big rock

The last thing she remember hearing was before passing again, "Oi, that's not Serge...."

*****


Vivi was picking flowers. Wait, that's not right. Aerith Gainborough was picking flowers. There we go! Aerith was picking flowers in the church . Oddly, the church groundskeeper never kicked her out of there, so she could get as many flowers as she wanted. She sighed happily and turned to her companion, Cloud Strife.

"It's a shame that Tifa didn't want to go flower picking with us," she mused as she picked another daffodil. "I wonder why...."

Cloud shrugged, though he had a pretty good idea why, and it involved stabbing a Aerith voodoo doll and burning pink dresses.

"Well," he began carefully, "she was never into girly stuff--" He looked up as he heard screaming from above. Aerith looked up too.

At that point, Rinoa fell through the roof and right on the plot of flowers that Aerith had been hacking at.

"AH! YOU KILLED THEM!" the flower girl screamed and she began swatting at the dazed Rinoa. Cloud lifted a brow and watched the two for moment, thinking to himself, As if picking the flowers were any better than smashing them.... After awhile, he heard more screaming from above. A few moments later, Irvine fell on top of Aerith.

Cloud busted out laughing.

*****


Zell had landed in a big ship, because he's lucky and likes hot dogs. There, he saw the most beautiful woman. She had the bluest eyes, and long silver hair. She was wearing a most revealing, teasing outfit and purple eyeshadow. She stood admiring her features in a mirror. He turned to a black mage sitting next to him, eating a ham sandwich.

"Say," Zell began, "who is that fine creature over there?" He gestured toward the woman, drool dribbling down his chin.

"There?" Mage #958 replied. "Oh, that's Kuja." The mage took another bite of his sandwich. He offered some to Zell, and when the blonde didn't notice, the black mage shrugged and continued eating.

"Ah.....Kuja......what a lovely name...." Zell stood up and made his way toward the silverhaired psycho.

*****


Like everyone else, Squall noticed that he got separated from the other SeeD members during the whole warpy process. Whoopie! Anyway, he fell down, then he would fly up, then fall again, then fly, then sometimes he would just hover in the air, staring at birds that flew past him. Sometimes he'd kick a crane as he fell/flew passed them. It seemed that Ellone was losing her touch already, but Squall just shrugged as that thought came to him. Like he usually does when he thinks. Suddenly, the scenery around him went black. Squall still felt himself falling, then flying, and such. He grimaced at the thought of what was going to happen next and closed his eyes, taking a big breath. He reopened them to find that he falling toward sand. Lots of sand. In fact, it was a desert (SURPRISE!). He hit the ground hard then, and rolled down a dune until he hit some type of animal. Squall laid there on the ground, face down for a few seconds, then immediately popped up grasping for air as he realized that he was breathing sand there for a bit. In front of him, a camel looking thing stared at him, along with a cloaked man, who screamed, "Aaklah r'thyd ntorkah!" and pointed at him. Then a bunch of men with guns appeared out of nowhere and seized poor Squall.

*****


"This is some kind of mistake!" Squall yelled from the cell that he was in; by now, he had been transported to some kind of huge ship. And no one spoke English, not even the two guards that sat there laughing at him. He sighed heavily, and kicked the wall. And he hurt his foot doing that.

"Ghaf'khan efke Poop-poop!" one of the guards laughed really hard and proceeded to clean his gun. From a far, Squall could see his gunblade resting against a wall. If only he could get to it... He frowned. This would happen. He WOULD get caught in a foreign country with these weird soldiers that looked straight out of Star Wars, because his life was like that.

He then heard a door slide open. The two guards suddenly straightened up and saluted toward the door. Squall could not see for the life of him who or what those goofs were gesturing at until he saw Kahran Ramsus and Miang Hawwa come into view.

Ramsus commanded in a low voice toward the guards, "T'rsok en wsek." The guards nodded and ran off toward the exit. The pale man glanced over to were the men had left.

"Look," Squall began, "I don't understand what language you're speaking, and I doubt you understand me. But you have me here by mistake." The older man raised a brow at Squall, then exchanged amused looks with the woman. Squall rolled his eyes and turned around. "Forget it."

"If you say so," the commander chuckled Squall whipped back around in disbelief.

"You...you speak English!" His eyes teared up and got really large and doey, then he smiled and ray of light came down from the heavens. The older man smiled again.

"I can also understand you, if it helps," Miang added. Squall nodded happily and giggled like a little school girl.

"Then you know that I didn't do anything!"

Miang nodded, "Of course. But you are a fine specimen for the Gebler military, and that whole 'flying from the sky" bit has us.....intrigued, to say the least. We must keep you for a while, but soon you will be one of the greatest soldiers ever--"

"--Uh, Miang, I think you told him too much," the older man sighed.

"Oh, forgive me, Commander," she bowed.

"Anyway," Ramsus began, "we'll get you cleaned up and moved into a bunker so you can start training."

Squall lifted a brow, "Training?"

"Yeah, you know this is the military, right?" Ramsus chuckled. Squall nodded enthusiastically; anything to get out of jail.