Chapter 3: The Gods Must be Crazy--Part I
It seemed as if our heroes were in great peril. Okay, just Zell, but we'll get to him later. We'll start with Quistis and her newfound friends, the psycho medieval priest guys.
They got to know each other very well after chatting wildly for several hours over drinks, which Hardin seemed to love a little too much. Quistis began to worry when he drank three bottles of wine all on his own. But she relaxed when she saw that Sydney wasn't alarmed. Then she remembered that he was drunk, too. She then became frightened again, but amused at the same time. It wasn't very often that a woman got to see two drunken gay priests. However, men see that all the time, though. Especially men that happen to be other drunken gay priests.
". . .So, we have this GREAT plan," Hardin slurred. "We're going to take over the country!"
Sydney butted in, "No, THE WORLD!" The two of them fell out laughing. Sydney turned back to Hardin, "I love you, brother..."
"GET WAY FROM ME, YOU NO ARMED FREAK!!" Hardin screamed as he jumped up and pointed at the other priest. Sydney sniffed at that outburst and started crying on Quistis's shoulder. She rolled her eyes and shoved him off; the other blond fell to the ground.
"She...hates me too," he sobbed as he curled up into a ball. "Everyone hates me! My papa left me to drown in a wicker basket when I was just a wee babe! And now this!"
Hardin rolled his eyes, "That was Moses, you twit."
"Oh, yes," Sydney sat up and wiped his tears with his metal arms. "I knew that. Really, I did."
"Uh huh," Quistis sighed. "This plan...this wouldn't happen to involve a sorceress or anything, would it?"
"Well, Sydney here is the GREATEST mind-reader in all the countryside," Hardin said proudly, "but I don't know what that has to do with sorcery, me lady." Sydney, on the other hand stared at Quistis in disbelief. He stood up silently, then sat on the bed next to her.
"John?" he asked, keeping his eyes on the woman.
"Yes, brother?"
"Could you leave the two of us alone for a bit?"
Hardin scratched his head, "Why, I thought ye only fancied men, Syd--"
"--WILL YOU JUST LEAVE FOR A MOMENT?!"
Hardin obeyed and hurried out the door.
When he was sure that the other man was a safe distance away, Sydney turned his attention back to Quistis, "You mentioned a sorceress? There would be none in this world, but sorcerers instead." She nodded, surprised that he was actually coherent and serious after all that drinking.
"Then, you know why I'm here," Quistis smiled.
"Of course, I foresaw it, my dear," he sat up a bit, "I would be one of the people you're looking for. There is a second--"
"--Of course, there's always two sorceresses, er um sorcerers at a time," she beamed. This was a lot easier than she thought it was going to be.
"Well, yes, you want to know where the second one is, or am I mistaken?" Sydney arched a brow and crossed his metal arms. Quistis leaned in closer to the other blonde.
"Then, you know where he is?"
"Not at the moment." She let and angry sigh and threw up her hands in the air. Sydney snickered. "Let me finish, deary," he laughed.
"I thought you were all knowing, or something."
"No, I see only what the Dark allows me to see. I don't know where your other sorcerer is right now, but I can tell where you can run into him in the very near future."
"Really?" Quistis retorted rather coolly, also crossing her arms.
"Yes, and all you have to do is help with the little 'coup d'tat' that's supposed to happen.
"Supposed to?"
"It won't happen; I won't allow it to, but you didn't hear me say that." He smirked. Quistis rolled her eyes again. Was it by nature that all people blessed with the gift sorcery had to be annoying?
"Well," Sydney began again, "are you game?"
"I don't have much of a choice, do I?" She sighed and offered her hand for Sydney to shake. He kissed it instead.
She rolled her eyes.
*****
"So, you guys want me to go to this abandoned city with you guys after you kidnap some kid?" Quistis repeated, her eyebrow raised at Sydney.
"Yes, that is all that we ask," Sydney shrugged. "I have a feeling that Hardin might need a bit of help--"
"--I DO NOT!!" Hardin objected.
"You do so!" Sydney replied; the blonde mage rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Quistis. "Well, since John believes that he doesn't need any help--" he threw Hardin glare, "--You can work with me. You seemed built like a competent fighter. Although, I doubt you're versed in using the magicks..."
Quistis smirked and performed Firaga in front of the three.
Both men stood flabbergasted for a long while as the flames died down. The blonde SeeD placed a hand on her hip and lifted a brow in victory.
"Well then," Sydney finally managed to say, "I think you'll be fine. You're definitely going with me." Hardin turned and nudged the other cultist hard and glared at him. Sydney grinned and gave his comrade a "Whatever" look worthy of Squall.
Hardin rolled eyes, "Fine, I'll meet you two at the cathedral. And Sydney, for the love of St. Iocus, please do not spend several hours messing with soldiers' minds, it takes too long, and one day... One day, you going to run into a blade that knows how to mess with your head!"
"I won't," Sydney lied.
*****
The day ended up being a lot more eventful than Quistis hoped, with having to actually kill people and all, instead of them magically disappearing into thin air after being hitting 20+ times. Then trying to get Duke Bardorba's manor was just lovely. She followed closely behind Sydney most of the time, covering him from attacks. She usually took out people before they even had a chance to attack, and found that like Sydney, she had to rely heavily on magic, though many of the men just stared at her healthy sized chest, so she could just whip them into submission. A few times, she scared the crap out of everyone by summoning Ifrit or Siren. Of course, when she had summoned them back in Balamb, that scared the crap out of everyone there too. Then Sydney scared the crap out of her by summoning D'TOK!!! (yes, that's how it's spelled, damn you!), the world's most loveable wyvern. Finally, the two blondes made it to the manor safely.
"So, this is it?" Quistis whispered as the two of them crept in through the back. Sydney turned back and nodded at her. He moved ahead to a corner and peeked around, then gestured at the SeeD to join his side.
The place was empty.
"Is the guy even here?" Quistis sighed angrily.
"Yes, he should be soon." Sydney sighed. "This is almost too easy." They moved around the corner into the huge dining hall of the manor.
"Is there anyone here?"
"I don't believe so."
"So, then... Why are we whispering?"
"I don't know...habit?" Quistis rolled her eyes again as she watched Sydney wander around the dining room. He stopped at a door and gestured at the girl again. "The great hall, that's where we need to be, so we can leave through the front entrance."
"Oh, that's smart, going through the front door."
"Hey! We'll be fine, I promise!"
She sighed and joined Sydney, and the entered the great hall. It was empty, like the dining hall. Again, Sydney wandered around, as if he was searching for something; Quistis leaned against a wall and crossed her arms, watching the buttcaped cult leader.
Then Ashley Riot barged into the room, bowgun in hand.
"Alright, Losstarot! It's over! I've a bowgun aimed at your heart!"
"I knew you were going to say that," Sydney smirked as he lifted his arms up, because he really did know that.
"Whatever," Ashley shrugged, "I don't care, I'm getting paid to bring you in anyway. Now, turn 'round slowly." The riskbreaker shifted his aim a bit, then glanced over at Quistis, noticing her for the first time. She looked up and locked eyes with him. And at this point, it gets really mushy and disturbing.
"T--Tia?!" he choked, dropping his gun to the marble floor; when it hit, it shot off an arrow that nearly hit Sydney in the nads. The mage shrieked in horror and covered his privates with his metal hands.
Quistis pulled away from the wall, her eyes still on Ashley, "No, I'm not." She walked cautiously toward him, for some reason not afraid of him, probably because he wasn't armed anymore. She stopped a foot short of him.
Oh my god, he's hot!, she thought to herself, still managing to keep a cool exterior, and crossed her arms. Ashley stepped back from her a bit, looking her up and down.
"Then...you must be a sorceress, for your beauty is bewitching," he gasped. She had to work hard to keep from running and jumping in his arms.
Alarmed, Sydney straightened up, "Um, excuse me? You were going to kill me? Proceed?"
Ashley stepped closer to Quistis, and grabbed her waist, "Then...tell me your name," he murmured.
"It's Quistis," she whispered, running her hands up his chest. "Quistis Trepe."
"Hello?!" Sydney called, waving his hand in between the two, not getting a response. He pulled back and rolled his eyes. "Oh good lord, this isn't happening..."
"That's... a beautiful name. I'm Ashley Riot."
"Do the two of you REALIZE how unrealistic love at first sight is?!" Sydney screamed; he was ignored, of course, as Ashley and Quistis leaned closer into each other.
Then DOOM! Okay, not really, but there was a bright flash of light. And no, it wasn't fireworks.
*****
Selphie woke, her head throbbing in an inn bedroom. She sat up and looked around, only to see and hear Norris and Kid arguing.
"Nice job, you're lucky you didn't kill her!" Norris yelled, throwing up his arms.
"Ey, how was I supposed to know! She came through the portal, she did!" Kid turned away and crossed her arms. "Besides, mate, we still 'ave to find Serge." Norris sighed heavily, then noticed that Selphie was peering at the two of them.
"Hey," he greeted as he sat down next to her, "glad to see you're okay." Selphie nodded and began to say something, until Nikki entered the room.
"I'VE GOT NACHOS!!!" the musician announced, pointing to a huge paper bag he was carrying.
"How much'd it cost?" Kid asked, a bit disappointed at the fact they were having nachos again.
"Some copper, a scale, two capsules, and a blow job! Not bad, huh?" He sat next to Norris. "Dude, ever since Serge ran off with all our cash and the only means for get us back to our home world, it's been kinda...hard."
"Yeah, luckily, you and Glenn are so pretty that I can pimp you two off. I mean..." Norris let out a nervous laugh. "Yeah, it's been hard." The soldier sighed and turned his attention back to Selphie.
"So," he began again, "What's your name?"
"Selphie Tilmitt."
"What a stupid name!" Nikki sang, clasping his hands together in glee. "Welcome to our little posse!" Selphie blinked, not registering that he had called her name dumb. Kid rolled her eyes, and stood up, turning her back to the four others.
"If you ask for me opinion," she mumbled while crossing her arms, "We 'ave too many people in this 'little' posse. And we don't need be adding more til we find Serge."
Norris lifted a brow, "Well, you hit in her in the head, what were we supposed to do? Leave her on the beach?" Nikki chuckled and hi-fived Norris. At that time, Glenn barged into the room.
"I'VE GOT NACHOS!" he bellowed.
*****
Seifer and crew teleported to Midgar, thanks to Serge and his coolie abilities. Okay, it was actually more thanks to that amulet that Kid had given him, but whatever. The four of them wandered around the city, not sure what to look for.
"BORED," Fuujin yawned as she followed Seifer around; Raijin and Serge both nodded wearily at the silverhaired woman and then glanced at Seifer. Seifer turned around to face Fuujin.
"Look," he began, "We have to find Sephiroth, so that Mistress Ultimecia can merge with him or something. Then I can be his knight!" He threw back his head and let out a dramatic laugh.
"......" Serge chuckled.
"Yeah, that's still really homoerotic, you know?" Raijin agreed, hi-fiving the bluehaired boy. Seifer sniffed once, and turned back ahead.
They walked out of section 5 of Midgar and passed section 6 on to 7. Not that they wouldn't had got there eventually, since the city's round and all.
"......!" Serge exclaimed as Tifa's Seventh Heaven came into view.
"TAVERN!!!!" Raijin screamed, and he began running.
Fuujin blinked.
Seifer ran after his comrade, "Hey, wait! We have to find Sephiroth first! Beer later! Beer later! Wait, what am I saying!? WAIT UP!!! I WANT SOME BOOZE TOO!!!"
He finally caught up to Raijin, who was standing quietly outside the tarvern door. Serge and Fuujin choose to take their time getting there, but still weren't too far behind Seifer since he runs like a girl.
Seifer scratched his head, "Dude, why aren't you going in?--"
"--Shhhh!" Raijin shooshed him, then went back to watching the tavern door. Then Seifer heard it:
"No, no, no! A thousand times no, I said!" Tifa screamed. "We don't need anymore people staying here, especially this girl!"
"What about the guy?" Cloud asked quietly.
"He can stay! Since he came through the door before SHE did!"
"That's not fair!" Aerith and Rinoa both whined.
Irvine beamed.
"Irvine, DO something!" Rinoa cried, grabbing onto his coat.
"You're on your own, sweetheart," the cowboy laughed maliciously. Yes, he was still angry about her biting and scratching him back in Galbania. In fact, his arms still had the scars. That was more than enough reason to force Rinoa to be on her own and have to sell her body to get food.
"I'll....I'll tell Squall!"
"Squall ain't here! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
Cloud chuckled, "Yeah, ain't no Squalls here, whoever the hell he is!"
Tifa growled, "That's right! This Squall person isn't here, and you'd BEST be finding him so that you can stay with him instead! Now, OUT!" She pointed at the door.
Barrett came down the stairs, wearing a pink dress and a matching bonnet, "What's all this devilish noise?! Marlene and me are trying to have a tea party, damn it!"
"They won't let me stay!" Rinoa sobbed, running up to the huge man. "You'll let me stay, right?" She threw herself onto his feet. "Oh, please! Let me stay! I have nowhere else to go! And Aerith is soooooooooooo nice!"
"Please, Barrett!" Aerith sniffed, "Rinoa's so cool! She likes flowers like I do! Yellow flowers even!"
"This ain't my house, foo!" Barrett yelled back at Aerith. "But since she likes the flowers, what can I do? Tifa?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the barmaid screamed. She pointed at the door again. "Out, out, OUT!!!!!!"
"Hey, Tif," Cloud sighed, "Let's let her join our party. Granola can be the official 'Keep Yuffie from Stealing Our Stuff and Raping Vincent' person. You know, so we don't have to hear Cid complaining about what a '#$%*@ sucky job' it is?"
"It's Rinoa!" Aerith and Rinoa both sniffed.
Irvine then scratched his head, "What's a #$%*@?"
"You know, #$%*@," Cloud shrugged.
"Wouldn't it be easier just to say 'fucking'?"
"I wouldn't know, every time I try to say #$%*@, #$%*@ comes out."
"Oooooh," Irvine said, nodding his head in enlightenment.
Tifa turned her back to the rest of the room and crossed her arms, "Okay, FINE. She can stay, but the moment this heifer screws up, she's gone."
"She called me a heifer!?" Rinoa whispered at Aerith, noting Tifa's huge breasts that were hanging out her too small tanktop. Aerith giggled to herself at that comment.
Cloud sighed and shrugged, "Okay then, what about the guy?"
"I told you, he can stay! Besides, he has a gun, which is useful. Right, Barrett?"
"Sho'nuff," the black man agreed as he started back up the stairs.
Back outside the tavern, Seifer and company all were dumbfounded.
"......?" asked Serge.
"We're not going in because we know two of the people in there," Seifer explained. "We go in there, then all of our plans will be ruined!"
"......" Serge shrugged.
"SAME," Fuujin sighed.
"Yeah, I really want a beer too, you know?" Raijin sniffed in agreement.
Seifer shook his head, "Beer later, like I said. We'll find Sephiroth first, then a different bar to go to for a round of drinks? Capiche?" His three companions all nodded to agree sadly, and the four of them turned to leave. "I mean, how hard could it be?" Seifer added cheerfully as they walked away, "to find a sorcerer in a round city?"
*****
"Um, excuse me?" Zell began in his smoothest voice, "but I couldn't help but notice how...nice that outfit looks on you." Kuja stopped what he was doing, which was commanding black mages from his magical mirror of DOOM!, blinked, and began to turn around slowly.
"Excuse me?" the silverhaired man asked cautiously, "Are you speaking to me?" He glanced around the Hilda Garde to see if there were any other people around. He saw no one but mages, of course. Kuja then stared wide eyed at Zell, who was grinning like an idiot, trying to imitate Irvine's "getting the ladies" face, which in turn made Zell look like he had just had a frontal lobotomy.
"So, Kuja, are you single?" Zell winked at the effeminate man.
"Yes, I am, and I intend to stay single at this point." Kuja lifted a brow, "May I ask, how the HELL did you get on this ship?"
"I just...dropped on," Zell grinned, "My god, your voice is so sexy and deep!"
"It's not really all that deep--Hey, did you say you dropped on?" Kuja blinked again and moved a lock of hair from his face. "As in, from the sky?"
"Of course, where else?" Zell grabbed the other man by the waist and pulled him close. "But enough about me, I want to know about Iyou/I, my darling Kuja." He leaned in to try to kiss Kuja, who managed to break free from Zell's strong grip.
"Look, you pervert," Kuja growled, "I don't know who told you what, but I'm not into that kind of stuff!" He then decked Zell below the belt. Zell doubled over in ecstasy yet saddened at the same time.
"I should had known that you were a lesbian," he sniffed.
"A what?!" Kuja looked wided-eyed down at Zell. "I am NOT a lesbian--Wait, you thought that I was a wo...?" Kuja's face paled, then suddenly a wickedly brilliant idea came into his head.
He leaned over to help Zell, "I'm sorry, I'm just not used to this kind of attention," he purred. "Really, I'm not a lesbian."
"Really?"
"REALLY." Kuja grinned at the younger boy as they stood up, trying his best not to punch Zell in the face again. "So," he began again, gingerly fingering Zell's chest, "why don't we go into my quarters and discuss a few things. You're just the strong, handsome man I need for a certain job."
"Really?"
"YES REALLY." Kuja forced another grin and grabbed Zell's ass. This is DISGUSTING!!!, the silverhaired man thought to himself. Zell's eyes bulged out of his head as he felt Kuja's hand in a spot that no girl had even thought about touching on him. Because he's Zell and eats hotdogs.
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur…." Zell's jaw dropped.
"Follow me," Kuja purred into the other boy's ear as he lifted Zell's jaw back into place.
*****
". . .What? I don't get it," Zell blinked. He was sitting on the single, very large bed in Kuja's quarters on the ship. "You want me to kidnap your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend for revenge?"
Kuja wiped the fake tears from his eyes and sniffed, "Well, yes, I want to teach Zidane a lesson for starting to date that...that whore! I don't care if Garnet's a princess, NOBODY dumps me for someone else!" He buried his face in his palms and ran over to Zell, sitting on the bed next to him. "So...will you do it?" He purposely placed Zell's hand on his exposed thigh. Kuja managed to hide that he was cringing and thoroughly sickened by the situation. Zell looked down at where his hand was now sitting and blinked.
He then looked back up at Kuja, "I still dunno, it sounds kinda fishy..." Kuja pushed Zell on his back, and laid on top of the other boy.
"I thought you liked me," he whined in a playful voice, grinning his hands wandering onto various spots on Zell's body.
"I, uh, do, just...you seem fixated on this Zidane guy, though."
Kuja frowned and pulled away, "Fine, then don't. Get off my ship." He turned around and crossed his arms.
"Wait! I didn't mean it like that!" Zell sat up too. "If it means that much to you, I'll do it!" Kuja kept his arms crossed.
"I don't believe you. You're just like Zidane, that jerk."
"I'll do it, I swear!"
Kuja forced another grin and spun around and hugged the other boy, "Oh, Zelly, you're the best! When you bring Garnet here, I'll do something extra special for you!" Zell grinned stupidly as Kuja licked the side of his face. "Now, you go now, and don't come back until you have Garnet, okay sweetie?"
Zell jump up and gave the SeeD salute to Kuja then ran out the door. The silverhaired boy looked at the door. As he heard the teleporter on the ship go off, he sighed with relief and ran into the bathroom to rinse out his mouth. At that moment, Mage #958 walked into the room.
"Kuja, sir?" the mage asked, "What should we do about the weird fellow that asked to use the teleporter?"
"Don't worry about him," Kuja replied as he emerged from the bathroom, mouthwash bottle still in hand. "He's going to get me my canary." His face softened as he thought of Garnet.
"Oh, good, we were running out of mages."
"I know, and I'm working on it," the psycho sighed.
"Ham sandwich, sir?"
"Of course."
*****
Squall tugged at his new ecru and black uniform, hating it quite a bit. He had already gone through three days of training, and was getting the hang of things around the Jugend Academy, despite how completely psychotic most of the drill instructors were. Today, he was going to learn how to fly a gear, whatever the hell that was.
He was waiting in the hanger by himself, as he was told he was supposed to do. He hadn't seen Ramsus again at all, but pretty much saw Miang whenever he left his dorm to go to the training facilities, which he wasn't sure if that was a bad thing or a good thing. He shrugged as he thought about that and tripped a student younger than him as he ran by. The kid hit the ground and groaned, oblivious to the fact that it had been Squall to trip him. Then the poor kid stood back up and continued running. Then a voice spoke to him.
"Are you Private Leonhart?" Squall turned around to see Elly van Houten peering at him, hands behind her back. He straightened up and saluted her, then smiled slightly.
"That would be me," he extended his hand. Yes, he's being friendly. FEAR.
"Great, I'm supposed to be training you today, I'm Lieutenant van Houten. Nice to meet you." She shook his hand. Squall grinned.
"Cool, I'm kinda curious about these gears. I have no clue what they are."
"Seriously?!" Elly grinned, "You really not must be from around here! Colonel Hawwa said that you were from out of the country, but I didn't think that far away!" She grabbed his hand and led him through the hanger. "You'll love gears. They're easy to fly, easy to store, and fun! Combat aside (which, you didn't hear this from me, can be pretty fun too)."
"So, they're like planes?" Squall asked as they stopped in front of a closed hanger section.
"Not quite, they more personalized than airplanes and not as bulky." She pressed a button the wall next to the massive door. "And this one is yours."
The heavy partitions lifted to reveal a black and silver gear, complete with a gunblade type weapon and Griever decals on the slick exterior.
"Meet Azrael, your gear," Elly beamed. Squall's mouth parted slightly, and he turned to Elly. He managed to crack a full grin at the redhead.
"I think I'm gonna like it here," he smiled.
"You'd better, because it's impossible to leave," Elly smirked.
