Man of La Mancha - Trigun style
Act II
Cast-
Don Quixote - Vash the Stampede (DQVash)
Vash the manservant - Vash the Stampede (Vash)
Wolfwood/Sancho the manservant - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (SanchoWW)
Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Wolfwood)
Captain of the Inquisition - Chapel the Evergreen (Chapel)
Meryl the Whore/Dulcinea - Meryl Stryfe (Meryl)
Midvalley the Innkeeper/The Governor - Midvalley the Hornfreak (Midvalley/MHGov)
Dr. Knives/The Duke - Millions Knives (Knives/MKDuke)
Padre Legato - Legato Bluesummers (Legato)
Dominique the Niece - Dominique the Cyclops (Dominique)
The Housekeeper - Milly Thompson (Milly)
Rai-Dei the Barber - Rai-Dei the Blade (Rai-Dei)
Monev, Head Muleteer - Monev the Gale (Monev)
Leonef, Muleteer - Leonef the Puppeteer (Leonef)
Zazie, Muleteer - Zazie the Beast (Zazie)
Caine, Muleteer - Caine the Longshot (Caine)
E.G. Mine, Muleteer - E.G. Mine (EGMine)
Maria, the Innkeeper's Wife - Random Female Prisoner. (Maria)
Songs-
"It's All the Same" - Meryl the Whore and Muleteers
"Dulcinea" - Don Quixote
"I'm Only Thinking of Him" - Padre Legato, Dominique the Niece, Dr. Millions Knives, and Milly the Housekeeper
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Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun. I do not own "Man of La Mancha" which the script to, and the songs of, belong to Dale Wasserman and Joe Darion. The story of Don Quixote belongs to Miguel de Cervantes. I'm not making money off this, and I'm a broke college student anyway so there's no point in sueing me.
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The scene opens again upon the stage, Wolfwood having chosen his actors and set them about the stage. Wolfwood takes centre stage.
Wolfwood: Here is an example of how, to the untrained eye, one thing may seem to be another. To Wolfwood, and inn.
Vash: Sancho.
Wolfwood: (Ignores him) To Quixote, a castle. To someone else, whatever his mind may make of it. But for the sake of argument, let us grant Wolfwood his vision.
Vash: Sancho.
Wolfwood: Shut up. *cough* An inn… (He gestures to Midvalley and to a female prisoner, whom we shall call Maria) A kindly innkeeper… his less kindly wife… (He gestures to the other prisoners he has chosen) Rough men, muleteers, fifteen miles on the road today. Rough women, in particular a woman called, Meryl!
Muleteers: (chanting) Meryl, Meryl, Meryl!
A pan goes flying above the men's heads and Meryl enters, a woman of small stature, with dark hair and blue eyes. She is carrying a pot of stew.
Meryl the Whore: Do you want it on the table, or over your lousy heads!?
The Muleteers laugh as she drops the pot onto the table and spits into it.
Meryl: There, pigs. Feed!
She begins to distribute bottles of wine.
EGMine: (to Meryl) I brought you something…
Meryl: Keep it till it grows up. (Zazie whimpers in her ear) Little dogs have big ideas!
Caine: Tonight?
Meryl: Payment in advance?
Caine gets onto his knees and opens his mouth, wanting her to pour the wine into his mouth. She pours it onto his head instead. The other Muleteers laugh.
Monev: Meryl! Love, come here.
Meryl: Talk with your mouth, not with your hands!
Monev: (Pulls her close. Softly) I've got a nice warm bed of hay in the stable…
Meryl: (Just as softly) Good. Eat it.
Monev: You would refuse Monev?
Meryl: Try me.
Meryl walks away from him, Monev snaps his whip at her.
Monev: My mules aren't as stubborn!
Meryl: Fine! Make love to your mules then!
The Muleteers laugh and to Wolfwood's chagrin, sing.
Muleteers: I come for love,
I come for love,
I come to Meryl for love!
Meryl: (Scornfully) Love! (sings)
One pair of arms is like another,
I don't know why or who's to blame,
I'll go with you or with your brother,
It's all the same, it's all the same!
This I have learned: that when the light's out,
No man will burn with special flame,
You'll prove to me, before the night's out,
You're all the same, you're all the same!
So do not talk to me of love,
I'm not a fool with starry eyes,
Just put money in my hand,
And you'll get what money buys!
One pair of arms is like another,
I don't know why or who's to blame,
I'll go with you or with your brother,
It's all the same, it's all the same!
The Muleteers reach for her as she moves around them, pouring wine and taking dishes, but she pushes them all away roughly.
Oh, I have seen too many beds,
But I have known too little rest,
And I have loved too many men
With hatred burning in my breast.
I do not like you or your brother,
I do no like the life I live,
But I am me, I am Meryl,
And what I give I choose to give!
Monev offers money to Meryl, who throws it on the floor and spits on it. He follows her as she backs away from him, and presses the money into her hands.
One pair of arms… is like another
It's all the same, it's all the same!
Leonef: (Laughs as Meryl leaves) Payment before delivery?
Caine: She won't deliver.
Monev: She'll deliver!
Midvalley the Innkeeper enters with his "wife" Maria and another serving girl, Fermina. He surveys the interior of his inn, which is somewhat worse for wear and tear after the violence of Meryl's appearance. Maria and Fermina begin to clean up.
Midvalley: Everything alright gentlemen?
Leonef: Did you feed the mules?
Midvalley: They're eating as well as you.
Monev: What?
Midvalley: Just a bad joke. It's well known that I set the finest table between Madrid and Malaga. My patrons have always-
He is interrupted by the sound of a very badly blown bugle.
Monev: What the hell?
The bugle sounds again.
Midvalley: The pig-butcher! I didn't expect him until tomorrow. (Hurries toward the door) Coming Señor Butcher, coming!
Midvalley stops short as he sees Vash and Wolfwood enter. Vash has replaced his broken lance with a tree branch.
DQVash: (Irritated) Is the lord of the castle at hand? (There is no reply) I say, is the Castellano here?
Midvalley: …I am in charge of this place…
DQVash: (Coldly) We waited, sire, for a dwarf to mount the battlements and announce us, but none appeared.
Midvalley: (Flabbergasted) The… the dwarves are all busy…
Vash gestures to Wolfwood who steps forward and rolls his eyes. He has a prepared speech which he delivers in a monotone voice.
SanchoWW: Noble lords and ladies my master Don Quixote knight errant and defender of the right and pursuer of lofty undertakings implores the boon of hospitality.
Midvalley looks opened-mouth at the "knight" and swallows, unsure of how to respond.
DQVash: Well, sire? Is it granted?
Midvalley: Uh, ah… Yes! Absolutely! This inn… I mean castle… is open to everyone.
Maria: (whispers to her husband) A madman!
Midvalley: (Whispers back) Madmen are the children of God. (To Vash) Sir Knight, you must be hungry?
DQVash: Aye, I am.
SanchoWW: Which, a madman, a child of God, or hungry?
DQVash: Shut up Sancho.
SanchoWW: (Grins) Wolfwood.
Midvalley: There's food aplenty, and for your squire, too. I'll just help him stable your animals.
Wolfwood and Midvalley leave the stage. Vash steps toward the Muleteers, smiling.
DQVash: Gentle knights! Fair chatelaine! If there be any among you that require assistance, you have but to speak and my good (glances at his mechanical left arm) right… arm… is at your service. Whether it be a princess held for ransom, an army besieged and awaiting rescue or merely…
Vash's words trail off suddenly as Meryl enters again, carrying more wine and food. She becomes self-conscious as the room has suddenly quieted with her arrival. Meryl glances around, her gaze finally falling upon Vash, who turns his eyes from her, as if blinded by beauty.
DQVash: (Jumping backward) Dear God! What is that thing!
Wolfwood pokes his head onstage and throws a prop at Vash, hitting him in the back of the head. Vash smiles sheepishly and coughs. Wolfwood only makes a slicing motion across his throat and then disappears again.
DQVash: I mean… Dear God… it is she! (He takes a step forward, hesitantly) Sweet lady… fair… uh… virgin… (There are sniggers in the crowd) I dare not gaze full upon they countenance lest I be blinded……… by beauty! *coughs* But I implore thee, speak once thy name.
Meryl: (Growls) Meryl.
DQVash: My lady jests.
Meryl: It's Meryl!
DQVash: The name of a kitchen-scullion! Or mayhap, my lady's serving-maid?
Meryl: I told you my name! Now get out of the way, or I'll…
Meryl raises her hand as if to strike Vash, but doesn't. Instead she snorts in frustration and goes back to her duties. Vash follows her.
DQVash: Did my lady think to test me? Ah, sweet sovereign of my captive heart, I shall not fail thee, for I know…
Vash stops for a second and pulls a script out of his back pocket.
Vash: Wait a sec… (He flips through the script some and stops on a certain page) Oh no… it didn't say anything about this in my contract! I'm NOT singing to… that!
Vash points to Meryl. Wolfwood walks onstage and smacks Vash on the back of the head.
Wolfwood: Do it.
Vash: No! I won't!
Wolfwood: If you don't, we're going to lose the manuscript. I'll make sure you die if we do.
Vash: (mumbles) Fine.
Vash looks disgustedly at Meryl and closes his eyes. Then he starts singing.
DQVash: I have dreamed thee too long,
Never seen thee or touched thee, but known thee with all of my heart,
Half a prayer, half a song,
Thou hast always been with me, though we have been always apart.
Dulcinea… Dulcinea…
I see hell-
Wolfwood makes slitting motion again.
DQVash: (his voice cracks) -Heaven when I see thee, Dulcinea,
And they name is like a prayer an angel whispers…
Dulcinea… Dulcinea!
If I reach out to thee,
Ple- Uh… Do not tremble and shrink from the touch of my hand on thy hair.
Vash grits his teeth and tries to touch her, but his hand shrinks back in fear.
DQVash: Let my fingers but see
Thou are warm and alive, and no phantom to fade in the air.
Dulcinea… Dulcinea…
I have sought thee, sung thee, dreamed thee, Dulcinea!
Now I've found thee, and the world shall know thy glory.
Dulcinea… Dulcinea!
Vash finishes his song, and is relieved when Midvalley enters.
Midvalley: Come along, Señor Knight. I'll show you to your room…
Midvalley makes to pull Vash offstage, but instead, Vash runs off on his own accord. Midvalley stares after him for a second, then shrugs and follows him. Maria turns to Meryl mockingly as soon as Midvalley and Vash are gone.
Maria: Ay, Dulcinea!
The Muleteers begin to sing, parodying Vash.
Muleteers: Dulcinea… Dulcinea…
I see Heaven when I see thee, Dulcinea!
Leonef: And thy name is like a prayer, an angel whispers…
Dulcinea… Dulcinea…
Muleteers: Dulcinea… Dulcinea…
I have sought thee, sung thee, dreamed thee, Dulcinea!
Now I've found thee, and the world shall know they glory,
Dulcinea… Dulcinea!
Meryl chases them around the stage angrily as they sing to her. She slides to a stop in front of Knives and blushes sheepishly, backing away from him. He stands in the centre of the ruckus, looking rather peevish.
MKDuke: (shouting) Governor! If you don't mind- this man proposed to offer a defence, not a debacle!
Wolfwood: This is my defence.
MKDuke: (Narrows his eyes) The most curious defence I've ever heard…
Wolfwood: So? It's entertaining.
MKDuke: I think the word you're looking for is "diverting". I think your purpose is to "divert" us from ours.
Wolfwood: (Grinning impishly) Of course! Now if I may continue?
MHGov: Yes! Continue!
Wolfwood moves Knives out of the centre position, smiling. Knives glares at him and crosses his arms irritatedly. Wolfwood only grins wider and pulls three people out of the crowd.
Wolfwood: Imagine the family of our dear knight. Not the lords and ladies and retainers of Don Quixote de la Mancha, but the simple womenfolk of a country squire known as Vash the Stampede. (He picks a few costumes from the trunk and hands them to the new actors) Imagine their shock as the news of his madness reaches them! To his niece, Dominique, who is worried about its effect on her forthcoming marriage. To his housekeeper of many years, Milly, who is worried about even darker matters. To the local Padre who has known Vash all his life. (To Knives, while tossing a costume at him) And shortly there will be a character whose philosophy may appeal, even to you! The two ladies rush to the nearby church. Anguished by the situation, and fearing what the neighbours are thinking, they seek help and advice from the Padre.
Wolfwood pulls Legato the Padre forward. Legato is a tall, handsome man, with piercing golden eyes and short, shaggy hair of a bluish colour. He's rather quiet, and seems to like the Duke a lot. Dominique is a pretty, young woman, with long, purplish hair, and a patch over one eye. She stares at Legato longingly, seemingly fangirlish. Milly the Housekeeper is a bit different. A very tall girl, with wide, innocent blue eyes, she smiles amiably at Wolfwood. He blinks, a bit surprised, but continues his speech.
Wolfwood: Despite the trouble that may be caused to them due to Vash's madness, you can be assured that they are only thinking of him…
Wolfwood snaps his fingers and the three new actors immediately begin to sing.
Dominique: I'm only thinking of him,
I'm only thinking of him,
Whatever I may do or say,
I'm only thinking of him!
In my body, it's well known,
There is not one selfish bone-
I'm only thinking and worrying about him!
I've been told he's chasing dragons and I fear it may be true.
If my groom should hear about it, heaven knows what he will do!
Oh, I dearly love my uncle but for what he's done to me
I would like to take and lock him up and throw away the key!
But if I do…
But if I do…
There is one thing that I swear will still be true…
Dominique/Milly/(Legato): I'm only thinking of him; (I know, I know, my dear,)
I'm only thinking of him; (Of course you are, my dear;)
I'm only thinking and worrying about him. (I understand.)
Milly: Oh, I think he's been too lonely, living years without a spouse,
So when he returns I fear I may have trouble in the house;
For they say he seeks a lady, who his own true love shall be;
God forbid that in his madness he should ever think it's me!
Legato raises an eyebrow at Milly but says nothing. Milly only blushes and glances at Wolfwood.
If he should try
I'll surely die,
And I will grimly guard my honour as I cry-
Milly/(Legato)/*Dominique*: I'm only thinking of him; (I know, I know, my dear;) *Woe, woe, woe*
I'm only thinking of him; (Of course you are, my dear;) *Woe, woe, woe*
I'm only worrying about him. (I understand) *Woe, woe, woe*
Milly: Woe!
Legato winces and turns to Dominique.
Dominique: Woe!
He winces again and moves back from both. He falls to his knees, looking as if he's going to pray.
Legato/(Milly/Dominique): They're only thinking of him, (Woe, woe, woe)
They're only thinking of him, (Woe, woe, woe)
How saintly is their plaintive plea- (Woe, woe, woe)
They're only thinking of him! (Woe, woe, woe)
What a comfort, to be sure (Woe, woe, woe)
That their motives are so pure- (Woe, woe, woe)
As they go thinking and worrying about him! (Woe, woe, woe)
Wolfwood pushes Knives onto the stage, who is now dressed as a scholar.
Wolfwood: And now enters a man of breeding, intelligence and logic. He is Dominique's fiancé, Doctor Millions Knives! *coughs* A man who carries his own self-importance as though afraid to break it.
Wolfwood sits back, letting the new character get his bearings. Legato stands up, with stars in his eyes, he runs to Knives with an inane grin on his face. Dominique grabs ahold of Legato's legs and lets herself be drug across the stage to Knives. Milly only stands to the side and smiles at Wolfwood, who moves away from her nervously.
Dominique: I don't wanna marry Knives! I want to marry Legato!
Legato: Leave me be woman! (To Knives) Is there anything I can get you master? (sparkles)
Knives: Oi vey.
Wolfwood: (Puts a hand to his head) I had forgotten that family quarrels have a way of getting out of hand… With so much at stake in the game, let us rearrange the pieces! (Moving Dominique to one corner of the stage) The queen, cunning! (He moves Legato to the opposite corner) The bishop, charmingly… diagonal… *coughs* (He moves Milly to a third corner, opposite of Knives) The castle, formidable! (Finally, he moves Vash to centre stage) And now, the problem of the knight!
Dominique: Knives!
Legato: Have you heard?
Knives: On my way here, I was informed by no less than ten people. My dear, your uncle is the laughingstock of the entire neighbourhood. Padre? What do you know of this?
Legato: (resisting the urge to sparkle) Only that the good Señor Vash has been carried away by his imagination.
Knives: Señor Vash has lost his mind and is suffering from delusions.
Vash: (from centre stage) Hey! Wait a sec! Knives is the delusional one here, not me!
Wolfwood: Quiet, Vash. (To the actors) Pray, continue…
Legato: Is there a difference?
Knives: Exactitude of meaning. I remind you that I am a doctor.
Dominique: Stop arguing! We must do something about him!
Knives: (Raises an eyebrow) I'm a little more concerned about us.
Dominique: What do you mean, us?
Legato: (Jealously) Yeah! What do you mean… you?!
Knives: (Ignoring Legato) Our marriage, my dear. There is a certain embarrassment at having a madman in the family. In the eyes of others-
Legato: (His face falling) Oh, come now Doctor…
Knives: I do not look forward to claiming a lunatic as an uncle!
Milly: The innocent will pay for the sins of the guilty.
Legato: Guilty of what? A gentle delusion!
Knives: How do you know it is gentle? By this time who knows what violence he has committed! He was armed?
Milly: With sword and lance.
Dominique: Knives. I had hoped for so much for Legato and me… I mean us… For you, really. (smiles nervously) Everything was to be for you. My uncle's house… his lands…
Legato: (slyly) True, Doctor. In time they would all be yours. After all, if one is to serve science, one must have means…
Knives: (Eyes Legato suspiciously) Are you a priest or a pawnbroker?
Legato: What I mean is, consider the challenge…
Knives: Challenge?
Legato: Think what cleverness it would take to wean him from his madness. To turn him from his course and persuade him to come home.
Knives: (Scratches his chin) Hmm… That is a challenge…
Legato: Impossible.
Knives: He can't have gotten far?
Legato: No more than a day's journey.
Knives: Get ready Padre, we shall go after him!
All falls quiet and Knives suddenly feels the urge to sing. Everyone stares wide-eyed as he begins.
Knives: But as we go…
But as we go…
There is one thing that I want the world to know!
Legato: I feel, with pain,
That once again,
We now will hear a very often repeated refrain…
Knives/(Legato): I'm only thinking of him (He's only thinking of him)
Dominique/Milly/(Legato): You're only thinking of him (He's only thinking of him, just him)
Dominique/Knives/Milly: Whatever we may do or say,
We're only thinking of him.
In our bodies it's well known
There is not one selfish bone…
Dominique/Knives/Milly/(Legato): We're only thinking and worrying about him! (They're only thinking and worrying about him!)
