Man of La Mancha - Trigun style
Act III
Cast-
Don Quixote - Vash the Stampede (DQVash)
Vash the manservant - Vash the Stampede (Vash)
Sancho the manservant - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (SanchoWW)
Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Wolfwood)
Captain of the Inquisition - Chapel the Evergreen (Chapel)
Meryl the Whore/Dulcinea - Meryl Stryfe (Meryl)
Midvalley the Innkeeper/The Governor - Midvalley the Hornfreak (Midvalley/MHGov)
Dr. Knives/The Duke - Millions Knives (Knives/MKDuke)
Padre Legato - Legato Bluesummers (Legato)
Dominique the Niece - Dominique the Cyclops (Dominique)
The Housekeeper - Milly Thompson (Milly)
Rai-Dei the Barber - Rai-Dei the Blade (Rai-Dei)
Monev, Head Muleteer - Monev the Gale (Monev)
Leonef, Muleteer - Leonef the Puppeteer (Leonef)
Zazie, Muleteer - Zazie the Beast (Zazie)
Caine, Muleteer - Caine the Longshot (Caine)
E.G. Mine, Muleteer - E.G. Mine (EGMine)
Maria, the Innkeeper's Wife - Random Female Prisoner. (Maria)
Songs-
"I Really Like Him" - Wolfwood
"Little Bird, Little Bird" - Leonef and Muleteers
"Barber's Song" - Rai-Dei the Barber
"Golden Helmet of Mambrino" - Don Quixote, Wolfwood, Rai-Dei the Barber, and Muleteers
"To Each His Dulcinea" - Padre Legato
*
Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun. I do not own "Man of La Mancha" which the script to, and the songs of, belong to Dale Wasserman and Joe Darion. The story of Don Quixote belongs to Miguel de Cervantes. I'm not making money off this, and I'm a broke college student anyway so there's no point in sueing me.
AN: I get really mean with Wolfwood in this chapter. ^^;; Forgive me my handsome priest, but you're so easy to pick on! Oh, and to Dead Legato… It actually isn't as much work as it looks like. ^^;; I'm just bored and demented, that's all.
**********
Vash sits centre stage, by himself. There is a lone spotlight on him. No one else is in sight.
Vash: …I never wanted to do this in the first place… I wanted to be… A LUMBERJACK!
Vash stands up and opens his mouth to sing. The music begins playing but is suddenly cut off and the house lights come up. Wolfwood tackles Vash and gags him quickly.
Wolfwood: Oh no you don't! There will be NO Monty Python references in this story!
Vash struggles vainly as Wolfwood sits on him and lights a new cigarette.
Wolfwood: Let us return to the inn… To the kitchen of the inn. As everyone knows, it is imperative that each knight shall have a lady. (He glances briefly in the direction of Milly) For a knight without a lady is like a body without a soul. To whom would he dedicate his conquests? What vision sustain him when he sallies-forth to do battle with ogres and with giants? (Wolfwood gets off Vash, who quickly un-gags himself and is about to spout obscenities, but Wolfwood interrupts him) Don Quixote, having discovered his lady, sends his faithful friend Wolfwood-
Vash: (sourly) Sancho.
Wolfwood: -to her with a missive.
Meryl is sitting at a table, eating. Wolfwood kicks Vash who crawls painfully off stage as Wolfwood takes a seat next to her.
Meryl: A missive? What's a missive?
SanchoWW: A letter. He told me to give it straight into your hand.
Meryl: Let's see it. (She takes the paper from Wolfwood and inspects it) I can't read…
SanchoWW: My master thought as much, so I shall read it to you.
Meryl: (Angrily) What made him think that I couldn't read?
SanchoWW: (Clears his throat diplomatically) Well, he said that noblewomen are so busy with their needlework-
Meryl: Needlework!?
SanchoWW: Embroidering banners for their knights. He said they had no time for study.
Meryl: What does it say?
Wolfwood unrolls the letter and reads aloud.
SanchoWW: "Most lovely sovereign and highborn lady… The heart of this, thy vassal knight, faints for thy favour. Oh, fairest of the fair, purest of the pure; Incomparable Dulcinea-"
Meryl: There he goes again with Dulcinea! My name is MERYL.
SanchoWW: (Sighs patiently) His Grace calls you Dulcinea.
Meryl: Why?
SanchoWW: I don't know. Why does he call me Sancho? I can tell you from experience however, that knights have their own language for everything, and it's better not to ask questions because it only gets you into trouble.
Meryl scowls and gestures for Wolfwood to continue.
SanchoWW: "I beg thee grant that I may kiss the nethermost hem of thy garment-"
Meryl: Kiss my WHAT?
SanchoWW: If you keep interrupting, you'll loose the whole effect of the letter!
Meryl: What does he want?
SanchoWW: I'm getting to it! …"And send to me a token of thy fair esteem that I may carry as my standard into battle."
Meryl: What kind of token?
SanchoWW: Normally it's a silken scarf.
Meryl: Your master is insane!
SanchoWW: He's not my master, and no he's… not… okay, he is, but that's NOT the point here!
Meryl: Yes it is.
SanchoWW: Well, they say that one madman makes a hundred and love makes a thousand.
Meryl: What's that supposed to mean?
SanchoWW: I'm not sure.
Meryl: You're just as crazy as he is! …What are you waiting around here for?
SanchoWW: The token.
Meryl: I'll give him a token! Here! (She tosses a dishrag at him)
SanchoWW: But milady…
Meryl: Don't you "milady" me too, or I'll crack you so hard, your ancestors will feel it! (Wolfwood takes a few steps away from her) Wait… Why do you follow him? Tell me?
SanchoWW: (Good-naturedly) Because without him, life is boring.
Meryl: That's not a reason, that's an excuse. Come on… Why?
SanchoWW: (Searches for the words) Well… because… Um…
Meryl: Come on, why?
SanchoWW: (Sighs in frustration and sings) I like him.
I really like him.
Tear out my fingernails one by one, I like him!
I don't have
A very good reason.
Since I've been with him, cuckoonuts have been in season-
But there's nothing I can do,
Chop me up for onion stew,
Still I'll yell to the sky,
Though I can't tell you why…
I like him!
Meryl: It doesn't make any sense!
SanchoWW: (Smugly) That's because you're not a squire.
Meryl: Alright, you're a squire. How does a squire, squire?
SanchoWW: I ride with him, he picks fights, I save his ass… I pick him up off the ground after he loses…
Meryl: What do you get out of it?
SanchoWW: …Interesting stories to tell my grandchildren.
Meryl: That's not anything! Why do you do it!?
SanchoWW: (Sings) I like him.
I really like him.
Run me over a thousand times, I like him!
Don't ask me
For why or wherefore,
'Cos I don't have a single good "because" or "Therefore"
You can barbecue my nose,
Make a giblet of my toes,
Make me freeze, make me fry,
Make me sigh, make me cry,
Still I'll yell to the sky
Though I can't tell you why…
That I… like… him!
Meryl: You're gay then?
SanchoWW: (offended) NO!
Meryl: It's alright you know, I have a cousin who's gay…
SanchoWW: (Practically shouting) I'M NOT GAY!
Meryl only shrugs. Wolfwood clenches his fists and glares at her for a second before stomping out of the kitchen. Meryl watches as Wolfwood stalks to the edge of the stage, grabs Milly's hand, and drags her off into a corner. Around Meryl, the Muleteers appear and begin to sing as she goes about her chores.
Muleteers: Little bird, little bird,
In the cinnamon tree,
Little bird, little bird,
Do you sing for me?
Do you bring me word
Of one I know?
Little bird, little bird, I love her so,
Little bird, little bird, I have to know,
Little bird, little bird.
Beneath this tree, this cinnamon tree,
We learned to love, we learned to cry;
For here we met and here we kissed,
And here one cold and moonless night we said goodbye.
Little bird, little bird,
Oh have pity on me,
Bring her back to me now
'Neath the cinnamon tree.
I have waited too long
Without a song…
Little bird, little bird, please fly, please go,
Little bird, little bird, and tell her so,
Little bird, little bird!
Meryl: (Annoyed) I spit in the milk of your "little bird"!
Meryl leans over to pick up a bucket to fill in the well, and drops her letter on accident. Monev spies it and makes a grab for it.
Monev: What's this?
Meryl: (Reaches for it) Give it back!
Monev: It's a letter!
Meryl: That shows how stupid you are, it's a missive.
Monev: Missive? Who can read?!
Leonef holds up his hand and Monev tosses it to him. Meryl makes to go after it, but Monev holds her back.
Meryl: Bastards!
She bites Monev and he releases her. Monev growls at her but quiets as Leonef reads aloud.
Leonef: "Most lovely sovereign and highborn lady…!" It's from the knight! A love letter!
The Muleteers begin to laugh. Meryl snatches the letter away from Leonef.
Meryl: It's a joke!
Zazie: Then why are you so hot about it?
Monev: Has he touched your heart?
Meryl: No one touches my heart!
Leonef: All those fine words!
Meryl: Fine words. He's a man right? All he wants is what every man wants.
She picks up the bucket again and makes her way back toward the kitchen. Monev stops her and pulls her aside.
Monev: Meryl, now?
Meryl: …Later. When I'm through in the kitchen…
Legato and Knives appear on the stage and are waited upon by Maria. They pantomime that they wish to see Vash. She nods and leaves.
Legato: I confess that I have no idea as to what to say to him…
Knives: In that case, leave it to me.
Legato: He may not even know us!
Knives: I am prepared for that eventuality. Should he fail to recognise us-
DQVash: (Entering amicably) Who is it crieth help of Don Quixote de La Mancha? Is there a castle beleaguered by giants? A king who lies under enchantment? An army besieged and awaiting rescue? (He sees the two men and advances upon them, surprised) Why, what is this? My friends!
Knives: You know us?
DQVash: Should a man not know his friends, Dr. Millions Knives? And Padre Legato!
Legato: Señor Vash-
DQVash: I should prefer that you address me properly. I am Don Quixote, knight-errant of La Mancha.
Knives: …Señor Vash…
DQVash: Don Quixote.
Knives: There are no giants. No kings under enchantment. No chivalry. No knights. There have been no knights for three hundred years.
DQVash: (Shakes his head) So learned, yet so misinformed.
Knives: Those are facts.
DQVash: Facts are the enemy of truth.
Suddenly Wolfwood appears on the edge of the stage with Milly. They both look a bit ruffled and flushed. Wolfwood coughs and tries to straighten his clothing a bit. He tucks his shirt in quickly as he crosses the stage meekly.
SanchoWW: Your Grace…
DQVash: (Suppressing laughter) Well? Did she receive thee? (Wolfwood nods) Ah, most… fortunate (Vash grins and winks at Wolfwood, who flushes red again) of squires! The token. What of the token?
Wolfwood reaches into his pocket and finds that the rag is no longer there. He starts searching all his pockets, to no avail. He spins in place looking on the ground around him. Milly coughs loudly and Wolfwood glances up at her. She tosses the rag at him and bats her eyelashes. Wolfwood clears his throat in embarrassment and flushes again. He turns to Vash and hands him the rag.
DQVash: Sheer gossamer… Forgive me, I am overcome…
SanchoWW: (To Knives and Legato, who are also trying not to laugh) It's from his lady.
Knives: So there's a woman!
DQVash: A lady! The lady Dulcinea. Her beauty is more than human… *cough* Her quality? P-Perfection. She is the very meaning of woman… and all meaning woman has to man.
SanchoWW: (Shrugs) To each his Dulcinea.
The sounds of someone singing is heard and another man comes into view. It is Rai-Dei the Barber. He is dressed in Japanese samurai clothing, and wearing a bronze shaving bowl on his head.
DQVash: Someone approaches!
SanchoWW: It's just a barber.
DQVash: But look what he wears on his head! Hide Sancho!
SanchoWW: (Exasperatedly) Wolfwood…
Vash conceals himself behind Legato and Wolfwood sits on the ground next to Legato, looking rather bored. Knives rolls his eyes and Legato seems self-conscious as Vash peers around him at the approaching barber.
Rai-Dei the Barber: Oh, I am a little barber
And I go my merry way,
With my razor and my leeches
I can always earn my pay.
Though your chin be smooth as satin,
You will need me soon I know,
For the Lord protects His barbers,
And He makes the stubble grow.
If I slip when I am shaving you
And cut you to the quick,
You can use me as a doctor
'Cause I also heal the sick!
Vash comes out from behind Legato and pokes Rai-Dei with his sword. Rai-Dei spins around and looks at Vash, unbelieving.
Rai-Dei: By the beard of St. Anthony! I could swear I see before me a knight in full armour! (chuckles) Ridiculous. There aren't any knights. (Vash growls and raises his sword above his head, Rai-Dei falls to his knees in fright) I was wrong! Forgive me Your Grace, I thought I had seen too much sun today!
DQVash: Thou wilt see much worse if thou dost not speedily hand over that Golden Helmet!
Rai-Dei: Golden Helmet? What? Where? (He takes the shaving basin off of his head) Why this is nothing but a shaving basin!
SanchoWW: I must say, Your Grace, it does look like a shaving basin.
Rai-Dei: Of course! You see, I am a barber, searching for spiritual enlightenment. I ply my trade from village to village, and I was wearing this on my head to ward off the rays of the sun, so that's how Your Grace made the mistake of-
DQVash: Silence! Know thou what that really is? The Golden Helmet of Mambrino! When worn by one of noble heart it renders him invulnerable to all wounds! Misbegotten knave! Where didst thou steal it?
Rai-Dei: I didn't steal it!
DQVash: Hand it over.
Rai-Dei: It cost me half a crown!
DQVash: Hand it over or I shall-!
Vash swings his sword at Rai-Dei who rolls out of the way, throwing the basin into the air. It hits Wolfwood on the head, causing him to fall over. Vash picks the basin up, ignoring Wolfwood and tosses his old helmet away. He holds the basin reverently.
DQVash: (Singing) Thou Golden Helmet of Mambrino,
With so illustrious a past,
Too long hast thou been lost to glory,
Th'art rediscovered at last!
Golden Helmet of Mambrino
There can be no
Hat like thee!
Thee and I, now,
'Ere I die, now,
Will make golden
History!
Rai-Dei: (Singing) I hear the cuckoo singing
In the cuckooberry tree…
SanchoWW: (Rubbing his head, Singing.) If he says that that's a helmet, I suggest that you agree…
Rai-Dei: But he'll find it is not gold and will not make him bold and brave…
SanchoWW: Well, at least he'll find it useful if he ever needs a shave!
Vash hands the basin to Legato and kneels before him, prompting Legato to "crown" him. Before Legato does so however, Vash gestures for Wolfwood to place the "token" with the "helmet". Wolfwood drops the "token" on Vash's head and cringes as Legato puts the basin on top of the rag.
DQVash: Thou Golden Helmet of Mambrino,
Thy deeds the world will not forget;
Now Don Quixote de La Mancha
Will bring thee greater glory yet!
Golden-
DQVash/(Everyone Else): -Helmet of Mambrino (-Helmet of Mambrino)
There can be no Hat like thee (There can be no Hat like thee!)
Thee and I, now, (Thee and he now,)
'Ere I die now (We can see, now)
Will make golden History! (Will make golden History!)
Wolfwood drags Rai-Dei off when the song ends and hands him some money. The Muleteers, Knives, and Legato all disappear. Vash is alone. Midvalley enters and sees Vash alone.
Midvalley: (Surprised) Your friends have departed?
DQVash: Sir Castellano… I would make a confession.
Midvalley: To me?
DQVash: I would confess that I have never actually been dubbed a knight.
Midvalley: Oh, that's bad!
DQVash: And yet I am well qualified, my lord! I am brave, courteous, bold, generous, affable, and patient.
Midvalley: Yes… that's the list.
DQVash: Therefore I would beg a boon of thee.
Midvalley: Anything! …Within reason.
DQVash: Tonight I would hold vigil in the chapel of thy castle, and at dawn receive from thy hand the ennobling stroke of knighthood.
Midvalley: Hmmm… One problem, there is no chapel.
DQVash: What?
Midvalley: That is to say… It's being repaired. But if you wouldn't mind holding your vigil somewhere else?
DQVash: (Looks up at the sky) Here, in the courtyard. Under the stars…
Midvalley: Fine! At sunrise, you'll be dubbed a knight.
DQVash: I thank thee.
Midvalley: Now will you have supper?
DQVash: Supper? Before a vigil? Nay, my lord, on this night I must fast and compose my spirit.
Vash and Midvalley exit and Legato and Knives re-enter. Wolfwood and Milly have seemed to have disappeared… again.
Legato: There is either the wisest madman or the maddest wise man in the world.
Knives: He is mad.
Legato: He's kinda cute too… (Realises what he just said) Not as cute as you of course… Uh… I mean… *coughs* It seems we've failed…
Knives: (Takes a few steps away from Legato) Not necessarily. We know the sickness… Now to find the cure…
Knives leaves. Legato stares longingly after him and sighs.
Legato: The cure. May it be not worse than the disease…
(sings) To each his Dulcinea,
That he alone can name…
To each a secret hiding place
Where he can find the haunting face
To light his secret flame.
For with his Dulcinea
Beside him so to stand
A man can do quite anything,
Outfly the bird upon the wing,
Hold moonlight in his hand.
Yet if you build your life on dreams
It's prudent to recall,
A man with moonlight in his hand
Has nothing there at all.
There is no Dulcinea,
She's made of flame and air,
And yet how lovely life would seem
If every man could weave a dream
To keep him from despair.
To each his Dulcinea
Though she's naught but flame and air!
Legato sighs yearningly again and walks off in the direction that Knives disappeared.
