Chapter 3
Scrunch. Snap. Crunch.
The lack of light in the Hyperion lobby meant Cordelia's first damage assessment was being done by ear. She didn't want to imagine what pieces of essential equipment were being crushed into further oblivion by her boots as she felt her way hesitantly towards the light switches on the wall behind the counter. Her outstretched fingers finally fumbled across their goal and glaring electrical illumination sprang cheerfully into action, revealing the true extent of the devastation.
"Jeez Angel!"
He stood in the doorway, just returned from parking the car, a strained expression on his face. Half- shocked realization at the full force of his violent outburst, half- desire to repeat it. Being back in the place he'd first heard the news, he felt he was reliving the moment again. Anger swelled up once more but now, under the scrutiny of her gaze, the crippling pain soon overcame the ire. He stared back at her helplessly.
"Anger management issues much? I hope to God you're insured. You are insured, right?" she spoke matter-of-factly, Sunny Cordelia re-emerging under the brash artificial lighting.
Her offhand query got no response as Angel dumbly shrugged off his coat, his heavy steps further grounding the debris as he moved to hang it. There were much more crucial issues than his lack of insurance still to be addressed. Cordelia had ducked into the office, she reappeared in the frame of the second door only a few inches from his elbow as he hung his coat. He started briefly, taken aback by her capacity for swiftness of movement at a time when all his own limbs felt like lead.
"He's not here. He must have gone home."
"His bike's still outside."
"Maybe he got the bus."
"He could be upstairs. It's pretty late."
"I'll go check. Could you make up some coffee? I feel a little drained. If you can find an intact cup, that is."
She was already on the staircase before she'd finished her sentence. Angel watched her go with eyes that felt older than usual. He had seen her make similar movements a hundred times over. He couldn't count the number of times he had watched her disappear up the staircase hurriedly to wash imaginary slime out of her hair after a hard night's evil fighting, or to change into whatever clothes she deemed better suited for that day's task in hand - whether it be meeting a client or dismembering a demonic corpse. Never before had the sight of her figure disappearing through the archway filled him with the dread panic it did now. She wasn't allowed to be out of his sight, dammit! If she was out of his sight he might not be able to stop her from dying. If that happened then she'd be out of his sight for ever. That couldn't be borne thinking about. It wasn't going to happen because he wasn't going to let it.
He couldn't. It wouldn't. Would it?
This merest notion of the possibility caused his unbeating heart to seize inside his chest as if being tightly wound by barbed wire. For a second Angel thought he might pass out, until her oh-so-penetrating whisper from the top of the stairs severed the constricting metal strands.
"He's asleep in one of the guest rooms."
Her tone softened as she moved down the stairs and began to speak normally again, "He looks exhausted. Sprawled on the bed fully clothed."
Angel managed a nod, collected himself and began to go through the motions necessary to provide Cordelia with her requested caffeine fix. Luckily the coffee machine was one of the few survivors of his earlier attack. She joined by his side.
"Not the greatest day all round, huh?" she surmised sadly, her sheen of brassiness evaporating as suddenly as it appeared.
Angel found his voice catching deep in his throat as he struggled to articulate a simple, "No."
He managed to locate a pair of ugly but unshattered mugs at the back of a cupboard, poured the coffee, and handed one to her. She surveyed the lobby for a sturdy chair and drew a blank. Instead, Cordelia settled herself on the lower steps of the staircase and gestured for Angel to do the same. She took his cup so as to prevent spilling as he lowered himself down. He smiled his thanks wordlessly, wondering when it was he had started to take such tiny acts of intimacy for granted.
On an uncharacteristic impulse, he found himself taking her free hand in his. She cast him a short, surprised glance but increased her own pressure on the clasp, in gratitude, in understanding edged with latent need.
"I won't let you go." he whispered huskily.
The only reply was a small sad smile.
"There's a way to stop it. There has to be. And I'll find it, Cordy, I promise you, I'll find it."
Her sudden flinch caused a trickle of hot liquid to spill over the edge of her mug and on to her jeans.
"No." she said almost too quickly. She ran on, hoping to cover her moment of panic, "I mean, there isn't anything you can do. Humans aren't meant to be seers. End of story. It was in my vision and all Wesley's books say the same thing."
"So what? We've prevented the things you see in visions from happening before and not every answer is found in books, you know that, Cor. It's not even as if Wes' collection is all that extensive. There's lots of places to try yet. Wes might even have found something whilst we were at the beach, I told him to keep looking." Angel made to move back over to the desk in search of some miraculously helpful notes written in the former Watcher's close hand but Cordelia's tight grip on his hand wouldn't allow him.
"He already looked once. Wes is thorough. He wouldn't have missed anything."
Angel turned back to her in incomprehension.
"What is this, Cor? I'm trying to save you, and you won't even consider the possibilities. I don't understand. You don't give up like this. What is it? What's going on with you?"
His voice cracked as a new horror struck him, "Do you... do you *want* to die?"
"Of course I don't want to die!" she returned, her voice rising. "I want to live and stay here with my friends, watching them fight and laugh and grow old or grow human - depending on who they are - and be able to fight and laugh and grow with them. I want all that. I want it so much it makes me ache inside but sometimes you just can't get what you want, and there are always... costs..." She trailed off, attempting to stem the flow of emotion before it was too late.
Angel didn't know whether to hug her or shake her, "But you won't even let me try?! It's almost as if you don't want to be saved!"
She sprang up, sending her coffee mug flying across the room, its landing smash reverberating in the acoustics of the lobby.
"You can't save me, Angel!" she burst out vehemently, "You can give me the power to bear the visions or you can take them away, but you CAN'T SAVE ME! You can only DAMN ME!"
Raw, shocked silence descended upon them. Cordelia felt herself swaying, dizziness and nausea caused by brutal realization flooding her body. She had uttered that which she had sworn never to reveal and now the floodgates were down and she had no strength left to fight the tide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He caught her before she fell. Just as he always did. As he'd vowed he always would in that moment back in his friends' ramshackle office when he had steadied her vision throes for the first time after his return. His head was swimming with countless fragmentary thoughts, but ensuring her well-being didn't need an ability to think clearly. It was an instinct now. As natural to him as breath was to her. Angel drew her close, the nearness of her soothing his own confusion. She had said he could solve the problem of the visions but yet he couldn't save her? Angel was used to being spun on his ass by Cordelia's utterances but this was an entirely new level of uncomprehending disbelief.
A few seconds passed before she came to and Angel felt hands on his chest pushing him away. They stood a few feet apart, facing each other like adversaries not best friends. His brow furrowed in confusion; her eyes misted once again with tears; both shaking a little.
Angel spoke first, "Cor, I don't..."
He didn't need to finish the sentence, the lack of his understanding was palpable. She shifted a little from foot to foot, face lowered, before tilting up her chin, locking his eyes with hers, and enunciating in a low slow tone, "You can't save someone who's already saved."
Okay, Angel would readily admit he might not be Einstein but since when had Cordelia been the Delphic Oracle?
He shook his head in frustration and ran a hand through his hair. "I swear, I haven't the least idea what you're talking about. How is letting someone die saving them? You said I could give you the power to bear the visions. Make you stronger somehow? And you don't want me to? Please Cordy, I'm begging you, because I'll do anything, *anything* if it means I won't lose you."
She gave a short bitter laugh. "Anything?"
"You know I would."
"You really haven't even thought of it, have you? The more obvious solution to our little dilemma," her words now came out hard, mocking. "Humans not strong enough to bear the visions, demons are. Hmm, who around here has the ability to make me a little less than human? I'm dying anyway, what does the method matter?"
Angel's eyes grew large as he finally understood what she was suggesting. She continued mercilessly with her charade.
"I'll tell you what, I'll go wake Wes, then he can get on the phone to Willow for a copy of that handy curse whilst you bite me. There'll a be a good few hours before I rise to get all the ingredients together, and if not, I'm sure you can pull off a little gypsy hocus pocus before I drain the life out of *too* many people."
His voice came out bruised and grated, "Never."
"Really?" she flashed darkly, dropping the act, "And you make the whole eternal ensouled damnation bit look such fun too!"
"It's not an option." he managed, still hoarse but with complete finality.
"Damn skippy, it's not an option!" Cordelia screamed at the top of her voice. The hotel walls roared it back at her.
When the echoes died away, she made an effort to speak again, more calmly now, "Angel, do you get it now? I die now - the way the Powers want me to - I die for something good, something worthwhile. I die knowing people love me, knowing who I am, knowing I was the best person I could be. You did that. You and Wes and Doyle. Gunn and Fred have played their parts too. You know what I was back in high school. I was a bitch. A shallow, self-centered, mean, petty bitch. I hurt people, I caused them pain. Not because they deserved it but just because I could. I was so caught up in my own self-preservation, `Don't let anyone in, keep them at arms length otherwise they might make you feel something, and God forbid you should feel something, because feelings lead to vulnerability, and vulnerability to hurt, and a Chase doesn't let anyone get the better of them. So be a bitch, keep them out, keep them down.' "
She sank back down on the steps again and continued her monologue, "I should have been vamp fodder back in Sunnydale, most probably would have been if it wasn't for... the B-word."
She threw a guilty half-smile in Angel's direction, "And then I came to L.A. and was this close to being just another family-less, deluded, fame-seeking, mortuary slab decoration here too. You haven't forgotten how we got here? That Russell Winters creep? You saved me, then Doyle gave me a sense of purpose, and when Wolfram and Hart tried to take it all away I realised just what that meant, and you saved me again. And you keep saving me, Angel, every day. Every day I spend with you I'm a little more saved."
She glanced up earnestly to gage his reaction to her speech. What she saw shook her to the core. Angel's eyes were pooled with tears. *Angel* was crying. She'd not even known he could. Cordelia launched herself into his arms, taking his face between her hands, gently wiping away the salt water whilst her lips pressed little kisses along his jaw and cheeks and uttered whispered reassurances and pleas for him to stop.
"Please, Angel, stop. I can't bear it. Please."
He only hung on to her with greater vigor and buried his face in her neck trying to inhale her, all of her, so she'd never be able to leave him. This beautiful girl who had just broken his heart in the sweetest way imaginable.
~~
Scrunch. Snap. Crunch.
The lack of light in the Hyperion lobby meant Cordelia's first damage assessment was being done by ear. She didn't want to imagine what pieces of essential equipment were being crushed into further oblivion by her boots as she felt her way hesitantly towards the light switches on the wall behind the counter. Her outstretched fingers finally fumbled across their goal and glaring electrical illumination sprang cheerfully into action, revealing the true extent of the devastation.
"Jeez Angel!"
He stood in the doorway, just returned from parking the car, a strained expression on his face. Half- shocked realization at the full force of his violent outburst, half- desire to repeat it. Being back in the place he'd first heard the news, he felt he was reliving the moment again. Anger swelled up once more but now, under the scrutiny of her gaze, the crippling pain soon overcame the ire. He stared back at her helplessly.
"Anger management issues much? I hope to God you're insured. You are insured, right?" she spoke matter-of-factly, Sunny Cordelia re-emerging under the brash artificial lighting.
Her offhand query got no response as Angel dumbly shrugged off his coat, his heavy steps further grounding the debris as he moved to hang it. There were much more crucial issues than his lack of insurance still to be addressed. Cordelia had ducked into the office, she reappeared in the frame of the second door only a few inches from his elbow as he hung his coat. He started briefly, taken aback by her capacity for swiftness of movement at a time when all his own limbs felt like lead.
"He's not here. He must have gone home."
"His bike's still outside."
"Maybe he got the bus."
"He could be upstairs. It's pretty late."
"I'll go check. Could you make up some coffee? I feel a little drained. If you can find an intact cup, that is."
She was already on the staircase before she'd finished her sentence. Angel watched her go with eyes that felt older than usual. He had seen her make similar movements a hundred times over. He couldn't count the number of times he had watched her disappear up the staircase hurriedly to wash imaginary slime out of her hair after a hard night's evil fighting, or to change into whatever clothes she deemed better suited for that day's task in hand - whether it be meeting a client or dismembering a demonic corpse. Never before had the sight of her figure disappearing through the archway filled him with the dread panic it did now. She wasn't allowed to be out of his sight, dammit! If she was out of his sight he might not be able to stop her from dying. If that happened then she'd be out of his sight for ever. That couldn't be borne thinking about. It wasn't going to happen because he wasn't going to let it.
He couldn't. It wouldn't. Would it?
This merest notion of the possibility caused his unbeating heart to seize inside his chest as if being tightly wound by barbed wire. For a second Angel thought he might pass out, until her oh-so-penetrating whisper from the top of the stairs severed the constricting metal strands.
"He's asleep in one of the guest rooms."
Her tone softened as she moved down the stairs and began to speak normally again, "He looks exhausted. Sprawled on the bed fully clothed."
Angel managed a nod, collected himself and began to go through the motions necessary to provide Cordelia with her requested caffeine fix. Luckily the coffee machine was one of the few survivors of his earlier attack. She joined by his side.
"Not the greatest day all round, huh?" she surmised sadly, her sheen of brassiness evaporating as suddenly as it appeared.
Angel found his voice catching deep in his throat as he struggled to articulate a simple, "No."
He managed to locate a pair of ugly but unshattered mugs at the back of a cupboard, poured the coffee, and handed one to her. She surveyed the lobby for a sturdy chair and drew a blank. Instead, Cordelia settled herself on the lower steps of the staircase and gestured for Angel to do the same. She took his cup so as to prevent spilling as he lowered himself down. He smiled his thanks wordlessly, wondering when it was he had started to take such tiny acts of intimacy for granted.
On an uncharacteristic impulse, he found himself taking her free hand in his. She cast him a short, surprised glance but increased her own pressure on the clasp, in gratitude, in understanding edged with latent need.
"I won't let you go." he whispered huskily.
The only reply was a small sad smile.
"There's a way to stop it. There has to be. And I'll find it, Cordy, I promise you, I'll find it."
Her sudden flinch caused a trickle of hot liquid to spill over the edge of her mug and on to her jeans.
"No." she said almost too quickly. She ran on, hoping to cover her moment of panic, "I mean, there isn't anything you can do. Humans aren't meant to be seers. End of story. It was in my vision and all Wesley's books say the same thing."
"So what? We've prevented the things you see in visions from happening before and not every answer is found in books, you know that, Cor. It's not even as if Wes' collection is all that extensive. There's lots of places to try yet. Wes might even have found something whilst we were at the beach, I told him to keep looking." Angel made to move back over to the desk in search of some miraculously helpful notes written in the former Watcher's close hand but Cordelia's tight grip on his hand wouldn't allow him.
"He already looked once. Wes is thorough. He wouldn't have missed anything."
Angel turned back to her in incomprehension.
"What is this, Cor? I'm trying to save you, and you won't even consider the possibilities. I don't understand. You don't give up like this. What is it? What's going on with you?"
His voice cracked as a new horror struck him, "Do you... do you *want* to die?"
"Of course I don't want to die!" she returned, her voice rising. "I want to live and stay here with my friends, watching them fight and laugh and grow old or grow human - depending on who they are - and be able to fight and laugh and grow with them. I want all that. I want it so much it makes me ache inside but sometimes you just can't get what you want, and there are always... costs..." She trailed off, attempting to stem the flow of emotion before it was too late.
Angel didn't know whether to hug her or shake her, "But you won't even let me try?! It's almost as if you don't want to be saved!"
She sprang up, sending her coffee mug flying across the room, its landing smash reverberating in the acoustics of the lobby.
"You can't save me, Angel!" she burst out vehemently, "You can give me the power to bear the visions or you can take them away, but you CAN'T SAVE ME! You can only DAMN ME!"
Raw, shocked silence descended upon them. Cordelia felt herself swaying, dizziness and nausea caused by brutal realization flooding her body. She had uttered that which she had sworn never to reveal and now the floodgates were down and she had no strength left to fight the tide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He caught her before she fell. Just as he always did. As he'd vowed he always would in that moment back in his friends' ramshackle office when he had steadied her vision throes for the first time after his return. His head was swimming with countless fragmentary thoughts, but ensuring her well-being didn't need an ability to think clearly. It was an instinct now. As natural to him as breath was to her. Angel drew her close, the nearness of her soothing his own confusion. She had said he could solve the problem of the visions but yet he couldn't save her? Angel was used to being spun on his ass by Cordelia's utterances but this was an entirely new level of uncomprehending disbelief.
A few seconds passed before she came to and Angel felt hands on his chest pushing him away. They stood a few feet apart, facing each other like adversaries not best friends. His brow furrowed in confusion; her eyes misted once again with tears; both shaking a little.
Angel spoke first, "Cor, I don't..."
He didn't need to finish the sentence, the lack of his understanding was palpable. She shifted a little from foot to foot, face lowered, before tilting up her chin, locking his eyes with hers, and enunciating in a low slow tone, "You can't save someone who's already saved."
Okay, Angel would readily admit he might not be Einstein but since when had Cordelia been the Delphic Oracle?
He shook his head in frustration and ran a hand through his hair. "I swear, I haven't the least idea what you're talking about. How is letting someone die saving them? You said I could give you the power to bear the visions. Make you stronger somehow? And you don't want me to? Please Cordy, I'm begging you, because I'll do anything, *anything* if it means I won't lose you."
She gave a short bitter laugh. "Anything?"
"You know I would."
"You really haven't even thought of it, have you? The more obvious solution to our little dilemma," her words now came out hard, mocking. "Humans not strong enough to bear the visions, demons are. Hmm, who around here has the ability to make me a little less than human? I'm dying anyway, what does the method matter?"
Angel's eyes grew large as he finally understood what she was suggesting. She continued mercilessly with her charade.
"I'll tell you what, I'll go wake Wes, then he can get on the phone to Willow for a copy of that handy curse whilst you bite me. There'll a be a good few hours before I rise to get all the ingredients together, and if not, I'm sure you can pull off a little gypsy hocus pocus before I drain the life out of *too* many people."
His voice came out bruised and grated, "Never."
"Really?" she flashed darkly, dropping the act, "And you make the whole eternal ensouled damnation bit look such fun too!"
"It's not an option." he managed, still hoarse but with complete finality.
"Damn skippy, it's not an option!" Cordelia screamed at the top of her voice. The hotel walls roared it back at her.
When the echoes died away, she made an effort to speak again, more calmly now, "Angel, do you get it now? I die now - the way the Powers want me to - I die for something good, something worthwhile. I die knowing people love me, knowing who I am, knowing I was the best person I could be. You did that. You and Wes and Doyle. Gunn and Fred have played their parts too. You know what I was back in high school. I was a bitch. A shallow, self-centered, mean, petty bitch. I hurt people, I caused them pain. Not because they deserved it but just because I could. I was so caught up in my own self-preservation, `Don't let anyone in, keep them at arms length otherwise they might make you feel something, and God forbid you should feel something, because feelings lead to vulnerability, and vulnerability to hurt, and a Chase doesn't let anyone get the better of them. So be a bitch, keep them out, keep them down.' "
She sank back down on the steps again and continued her monologue, "I should have been vamp fodder back in Sunnydale, most probably would have been if it wasn't for... the B-word."
She threw a guilty half-smile in Angel's direction, "And then I came to L.A. and was this close to being just another family-less, deluded, fame-seeking, mortuary slab decoration here too. You haven't forgotten how we got here? That Russell Winters creep? You saved me, then Doyle gave me a sense of purpose, and when Wolfram and Hart tried to take it all away I realised just what that meant, and you saved me again. And you keep saving me, Angel, every day. Every day I spend with you I'm a little more saved."
She glanced up earnestly to gage his reaction to her speech. What she saw shook her to the core. Angel's eyes were pooled with tears. *Angel* was crying. She'd not even known he could. Cordelia launched herself into his arms, taking his face between her hands, gently wiping away the salt water whilst her lips pressed little kisses along his jaw and cheeks and uttered whispered reassurances and pleas for him to stop.
"Please, Angel, stop. I can't bear it. Please."
He only hung on to her with greater vigor and buried his face in her neck trying to inhale her, all of her, so she'd never be able to leave him. This beautiful girl who had just broken his heart in the sweetest way imaginable.
~~
