Title: When I Loved You
By PNS*
Notes: Sometime after Wrecked. Spike thinks about when he loved Buffy and his mission as a chipped,souless vampire.
Do you ever wonder at the paths you take in life? Do you ever watch for the signs that tell you where you are supposed to go? What destiny you are to find?
I never thought I would love a Slayer. I never thought vampires even existed. It's funny the things you admit when in love. I went as far as to tell Buffy about my embarrassing humanity in hopes that it would soften her heart towards me. Who was I kidding? She could consume with kisses and ignite me with her Slayer body but she could never give me her heart.
One time when we were lying still together after a harrowing day, the thing with Willow was ruining her, she asked me a question. I think it was the only time so far I can say she was feeling something true for me, other than straight out lust. She asked me when I knew I loved her.
I thought I had loved Dru and yet I could not recall the very moment I loved her. It was forced upon me. But Buffy, I knew that day that Angel tried to send the world to hell. Buffy was strong that day. I couldn't go through that. Although I did in a way, when she died last year. It was when I was innocently walking down the street. We looked at each other and I felt this strong urge to help her out. And my life went downhill from there.
I want to say that she's made my life the worst living hell. In some ways she has. But in other ways the silly bird has driven me to find myself. To quote one of the greatest movies ever ."Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It's only after you've lost everything, that you're free to do anything." This is honestly the story of my bloody unlife.
What kind of man was I when I was human? A simpering, whiny loser. And then I was a scourge, a plague on humanity, then nothing. A waste of space. But now, although I can't hurt humans physically I can still have impact. Why does it have to be evil? Maybe no other vampire, not evil Angel has had the chance for true redemption. And it's like a drug. It's my poison and cure. My pain and my pleasure.
Buffy touched me, and rubbed me. In a half asleep state she echoed words I had heard long ago. "You walk in words the other can't begin to imagine." Only this time she was talking about herself. A woman had told her when she was younger, and yet to know about her future as the Slayer. Were we destined even then? Thought of for beyond Angel and Drusilla? Only time can tell.
These could be the ravings of a very mad bloke. Drusilla had to have rubbed off on me a little. Maybe I just want to believe that I'm good so I don't have to feel so rotten about not being able to be evil. But still, like tonight, when she's curled in my arms, covered in passionate scratches I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. And the world doesn't matter. And The Slayer doesn't matter. And not having a soul is the furthest thing from my mind. I don't need it. Cos I love her. And if I don't know anything I know this.
By PNS*
Notes: Sometime after Wrecked. Spike thinks about when he loved Buffy and his mission as a chipped,souless vampire.
Do you ever wonder at the paths you take in life? Do you ever watch for the signs that tell you where you are supposed to go? What destiny you are to find?
I never thought I would love a Slayer. I never thought vampires even existed. It's funny the things you admit when in love. I went as far as to tell Buffy about my embarrassing humanity in hopes that it would soften her heart towards me. Who was I kidding? She could consume with kisses and ignite me with her Slayer body but she could never give me her heart.
One time when we were lying still together after a harrowing day, the thing with Willow was ruining her, she asked me a question. I think it was the only time so far I can say she was feeling something true for me, other than straight out lust. She asked me when I knew I loved her.
I thought I had loved Dru and yet I could not recall the very moment I loved her. It was forced upon me. But Buffy, I knew that day that Angel tried to send the world to hell. Buffy was strong that day. I couldn't go through that. Although I did in a way, when she died last year. It was when I was innocently walking down the street. We looked at each other and I felt this strong urge to help her out. And my life went downhill from there.
I want to say that she's made my life the worst living hell. In some ways she has. But in other ways the silly bird has driven me to find myself. To quote one of the greatest movies ever ."Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It's only after you've lost everything, that you're free to do anything." This is honestly the story of my bloody unlife.
What kind of man was I when I was human? A simpering, whiny loser. And then I was a scourge, a plague on humanity, then nothing. A waste of space. But now, although I can't hurt humans physically I can still have impact. Why does it have to be evil? Maybe no other vampire, not evil Angel has had the chance for true redemption. And it's like a drug. It's my poison and cure. My pain and my pleasure.
Buffy touched me, and rubbed me. In a half asleep state she echoed words I had heard long ago. "You walk in words the other can't begin to imagine." Only this time she was talking about herself. A woman had told her when she was younger, and yet to know about her future as the Slayer. Were we destined even then? Thought of for beyond Angel and Drusilla? Only time can tell.
These could be the ravings of a very mad bloke. Drusilla had to have rubbed off on me a little. Maybe I just want to believe that I'm good so I don't have to feel so rotten about not being able to be evil. But still, like tonight, when she's curled in my arms, covered in passionate scratches I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. And the world doesn't matter. And The Slayer doesn't matter. And not having a soul is the furthest thing from my mind. I don't need it. Cos I love her. And if I don't know anything I know this.
