Consequences, Choices, and Confessions
by pari106
Disclaimer and rating in chapter 1.
Chapter 9
Max didn't know how long they'd been driving since they'd switched to one bike. She'd rejected the idea
at first, but it had shortly become apparent, during their trip back to Seattle, that they weren't going to get
anywhere fast if they had to keep stopping for her to rest. Max really should have taken it easier today, but
this was an emotional time for her.
Still, she'd seen his logic when Zack had suggested they hide Max's bike on the side of the road
somewhere and continue on together. But she hadn't liked it, and she'd said so. She didn't like leaving her
baby. But she also didn't like the idea of spending the next miles in such close proximity to Zack. She was
supposed to be hating him right now. She was supposed to be furious at him. And a part of her still was.
But she couldn't hate him. Mostly, she just wanted to curl up against his chest and cry, let his strong arms
wrap around her and forget about everything else. Being pressed up next to him, thighs touching, her arms
wrapped around his waist, as they headed back to Seattle wouldn't help her resolve any. Every time she
and Zack touched Max's mind would go back to that night they'd spent together, and her treacherous body
would go haywire.
But she could hardly tell Zack that. She wondered if Zack felt the same way. He obviously didn't want the
paternal role Max was offering him. And if he'd wanted a relationship with Max before, that was probably
off now because of the baby. But that didn't mean he didn't still want her. Not that that thought comforted
Max in any way. But at least it made her feel a little less alone in the desire she felt in his nearness.
Anyhow, she couldn't tell Zack that. And she could only resist his suggestion so long. It was best if they
just got all of this over with, and the quickest way to do that would be to let Zack take charge so she could
rest. At least she'd managed to convince Zack to take her bike instead of his, then he could come back for
his later, the way he'd promised to do for hers.
This, however, presented another problem in itself. Max had never let anyone else drive her baby before –
except Logan. It was just a little thing, but it seemed so…intimate to her. She really took her bike
seriously. She would just have to try and not think about it.
**** ****
He would just have to try and not think about it.
That's what Zack would do. He could do this. He could deal with this. He could still make things work
with Max. She obviously didn't intend to stay with Logan, anyhow. It had been her idea to leave Seattle.
And she didn't seem as shook up about it as she had that one time he'd almost gotten her to leave with him.
So they were over. Max didn't want to be with Logan. If Logan had let her go, then he obviously no
longer wanted to be with her either. There was no reason why she couldn't be with Zack. Right?
Maybe what had happened before had been a mistake. For her, anyhow. Maybe those words she'd spoken
in the night had just been brought on by the heat of the moment. Or by the desolation she felt because of
the fight with Logan. Maybe she wasn't seriously considering a relationship with Zack; maybe she never
had.
But she wouldn't be adverse to it. Zack knew it. She didn't look at him like she felt disgusted by what
they'd done, or sorry about it. In fact, the way she looked at him…
Zack's hands tightened on the handlebars.
'Fuck, Zack. She's pregnant. Don't even think about it!'
He wouldn't think about it. He wouldn't think about being angry at Logan – what's happened has
happened. What mattered now was what he and Max did next. And he wouldn't think about how bad it
hurt knowing that baby wasn't his. It couldn't be his, right? They'd only been together, that once, two
months ago. Max didn't look two months along. Didn't pregnant women start to show by then? And she
was still sick. Wasn't that, like, just an early symptom? Zack had to admit he knew nothing about
pregnancy or babies. He knew that baby couldn't…
Well…
Did he? Did he really know it couldn't be his? The thought hadn't even occurred to Zack. When it did,
his head snapped us as though he'd just been shot at. What if…
Zack shook his head.
No. He wasn't going to just assume that. He wasn't even going to speculate about that. This was bad
enough without getting any false hopes. If he started thinking of the baby as his now, only to find out it
really was Logan's, or someone else's, it would be like finding out for the first time all over again. But
could he just keep assuming it wasn't his?
Zack wanted to howl. This was so goddamned frustrating. Like so many other things, Zack told himself he
just wouldn't think about it. He'd had a lot of surprises today. He needed to step away from this shit for a
moment. To recoup and redeploy. Then he'd think about things. Then he and Max could talk. Would he
ask her then, if the baby was his? Would he sound like an idiot? No, he'd told himself he wouldn't think
about it. Now was not the time and place – on Max's bike, with her and her baby's safety in his hands.
Better to concentrate on something he could think about. Something he could be sure about.
He wasn't going to turn Max away. He wasn't going to walk away again. He wasn't going to "give her her
space" anymore. He always did that, and what did it get him? He always did the "right thing". And the
right thing might be making Max go back to Logan and try to work things out. Hell knew Logan could
provide for her better. He'd certainly be a better father for their child. But he'd given up that privilege by
letting Max go. Hadn't he? This made twice that Max and Logan had blown up. Who said miracle boy
was the one who had to get all the second chances? Third chances? Why couldn't Zack seize the moment
for once in his miserable life? No, he wasn't going to just back off this time. Despite what he'd said, he
wasn't going to let Max go back to Seattle. Not yet. Not till they'd talked – really talked. They weren't
headed to Seattle now, but either Max was too tired, or just too preoccupied to notice.
They were headed somewhere else. Somewhere Zack could think. He wasn't going to let Max just get
away. Yeah, he felt a little guilty. A little selfish. All this time he'd told Max she should go with him,
leave Seattle, because she would be safer that way. Well, she'd be safer now if she stayed with Logan.
With someone who had access to doctors and hospitals. But hadn't that been what Tinga was talking
about? Hadn't she been trying to tell him that it's not enough to just be "safe"? She talked about really
living. She'd talked about love. Well, Zack loved Max. That was something, wasn't it? He wouldn't just
let Max walk away from him the way Logan had. And he wouldn't let anything happen to her, or the baby.
The baby…
Zack wouldn't let anything happen to the baby. He didn't know anything about babies or children, but he
was pretty sure there was more to them than just making sure "nothing happened". His own childhood had
been abnormal – he'd realized this some time ago. Normal childhoods consisted of acceptance and support
and affection. Playtime and…love? That was a normal childhood, and Max would undoubtedly want that
for her child. It's what she would have wanted for herself. But what did Zack know about any of that
stuff? If he did somehow convince Max to give him a chance, if he could make a go of being the kind of
man Max needed, could he be the kind of man the baby needed, too? Could he change diapers and play
with the kid and resist falling back on habit and treating it like one of the soldiers under his command?
The thought made Zack want to laugh, but not because of humor. He hoped he could do those things. He
hoped he could be that man, because that was the kind of man he'd have to be to be with Max. She
wouldn't accept less. If he wanted to be there for Max, he'd have to be there for the baby, too. He was
surprisingly okay with that. The baby had no control over its parentage. And Zack knew from experience
that one could not judge others by their "parentage" or lack thereof. If that kind of judgment were
appropriate, then he'd probably find himself being measured by Donald Lydecker's standards. And he'd
kill the first man who ever suggested he resembled, in any form or fashion, the "old man".
So being there for the baby wouldn't be about inclination, it would be about ability. Was he able to be
a…father? If not a father by blood, then at least by station? And what if he and Max did make things work
and she wanted *another* child. What if she wanted his child?
Zack shifted on the bike seat, making the next turn with a shake of his head.
He got an odd thrill at the thought. Which was crazy. He wasn't certain he had the capacity for family or
fatherhood. If it hadn't been for his discussion with Tinga he would have considered the whole concept to
be ridiculous. But Tinga hadn't talked about it like it was ridiculous. And there was something primitively
satisfying about the thought of Max having his baby. Zack was just so new to all of this. He'd loved Max
for so long, but he'd just recently accepted the idea that he could put that love into a stable, *normal*
relationship with her. Now he had to consider the idea of a family relationship. All his life he'd been
uncomfortable with human emotion – love, compassion. The love he'd felt for his siblings he'd accepted
because it had always seemed to be there; it was a part of him. The love he'd developed for Max he'd
accepted because he hadn't been able to fight it. Now he would have to extend his capacity for love to
include a baby. Babies?
As they neared their destination, Zack's jaw tightened.
He'd told himself he wouldn't think about it, but what if the baby were his? How would he feel about that?
It wouldn't make him any less uncertain about his abilities. It wouldn't really make him feel any more
responsible. Whether the baby was his or not he felt responsible. He always would, the same way he
would always feel that Max was his responsibility. The same way he'd always consider all of the X5s to be
his responsibility. So, Zack supposed it shouldn't really make any difference whether or not the baby was
his. Besides the fact that it would mean Max really had been spending all this time since they'd been
together, pining for him the way he had for her. Of course, that probably shouldn't make a difference
either, but it did.
And whether or not the baby was his made a difference to Zack, too. He thought it shouldn't, but it did.
The thought of the baby being his felt…good. Right. He was far from being sentimental, but…to have
created a life with Max. To have shared something with her she'd never shared with any other man… It
appealed to Zack in a very basic way.
When they pulled up in Zane's driveway, Zack stopped the bike and shook his head.
See now, that was why he'd told himself he wouldn't think. Realistically, it wouldn't change anything if he
thought of the baby as his. It was who it was. He couldn't make it his by wishing. And it wouldn't effect
his plans if the baby was Logan's. He was still going to ask Max to stay with him; he was still going to try
to make that life Tinga had talked about with Max and her baby. So all he was doing by thinking about the
baby's possible parentage was tormenting himself. He had to stop. Now. He and Max could talk after a
good night's sleep. He'd have plenty to think about then.
Beside him, on the bike, Max stirred. It was only then that Zack realized Max had been dozing. This
worried him. Max slept so rarely, after all, and she never dozed off. He was again tempted to disbelieve
her profuse assurances that everything was okay, but he knew Max wouldn't endanger her baby by lying.
"Where are we?" Max asked, looking around. The fact that it had grown dark didn't matter much. Both
she and Zack could see perfectly well in pitch black. The confusion on her face was simply there because
she'd expected to end up in Seattle.
"We're taking a little detour," Zack told her in a neutral tone. He hoped she didn't ask him why.
Luckily, she didn't. She was probably too tired to worry about it right now. Zack felt guilty using that
weakness to benefit his own plans. But the last thing he wanted now was to fight with her again, and he
was determined that they would stay here tonight and have that talk tomorrow that he'd been depending on.
Max just got off the bike, gathering her pack before Zack took it away from her. His sudden need to do
everything for her was both endearing and annoying, but again she didn't protest. Zack probably felt he
was doing her a favor by stopping for the night, giving her a chance to sleep. He himself probably
considered the detour an inconvenience. Usually, Max would say tough shit. But right now she wasn't
feeling all that cocky. She really did need to rest.
"We'll stay here tonight," Zack was saying. "And tomorrow…"
He didn't finish. He was just looking at her, intensely. Max had to look away. Was that…
If only she really was seeing what she thought she saw in his eyes. But he didn't feel that way about her
now, did he? He didn't want her or the baby. Not the way she wanted him to want her. They'd stay there
overnight, and then tomorrow they'd keep going for Seattle. That was what Zack had been about to say,
right?
Max just nodded.
Max headed for the house, when the sound of a dog barking and a door opening stopped her in her tracks.
Max froze where she was, watching as a tall, well-built man came out on the porch. His blonde hair was a
mess, and there was stubble covering his chin. He was wearing nothing but a pair of blue jeans, and a
large, mean-looking German shepherd was sitting at his heels, eyeing her warily.
Shock registered within Max. This place was occupied? She'd assumed Zack had found them safe,
abandoned lodging for the night. It wasn't like him to be sloppy. What was going on?
But, whereas the dog was staring at Max, its owner was staring at Zack.
"What the hell are you doing, man, showing up at this hour? Scared the fucking…"
Then the man's words trailed off as his eyes landed on Max. Max swallowed. A sudden recognition hit
her, almost making her knees weak with surprise and relief. That couldn't be…
"Max?" the man asked, softly. As if he didn't quite believe it. The irritation on his face disappeared, and
surprise was in its place.
It was him.
"Zane?" Max asked.
Oh, my God, it was Zane! It was Zane! Her brother!
Zane slowly started to grin. "Max!"
Max threw herself into her brother's arms, while Zack watched from behind, smiling. Zane and Max
looked like a couple of kids getting their Christmas presents. Krit and Syl had looked the same way a
couple of years ago when Zack had accidentally introduced the two.
It was all about family. Tinga was right. They all wanted family. Even Zack. But would he get his?
by pari106
Disclaimer and rating in chapter 1.
Chapter 9
Max didn't know how long they'd been driving since they'd switched to one bike. She'd rejected the idea
at first, but it had shortly become apparent, during their trip back to Seattle, that they weren't going to get
anywhere fast if they had to keep stopping for her to rest. Max really should have taken it easier today, but
this was an emotional time for her.
Still, she'd seen his logic when Zack had suggested they hide Max's bike on the side of the road
somewhere and continue on together. But she hadn't liked it, and she'd said so. She didn't like leaving her
baby. But she also didn't like the idea of spending the next miles in such close proximity to Zack. She was
supposed to be hating him right now. She was supposed to be furious at him. And a part of her still was.
But she couldn't hate him. Mostly, she just wanted to curl up against his chest and cry, let his strong arms
wrap around her and forget about everything else. Being pressed up next to him, thighs touching, her arms
wrapped around his waist, as they headed back to Seattle wouldn't help her resolve any. Every time she
and Zack touched Max's mind would go back to that night they'd spent together, and her treacherous body
would go haywire.
But she could hardly tell Zack that. She wondered if Zack felt the same way. He obviously didn't want the
paternal role Max was offering him. And if he'd wanted a relationship with Max before, that was probably
off now because of the baby. But that didn't mean he didn't still want her. Not that that thought comforted
Max in any way. But at least it made her feel a little less alone in the desire she felt in his nearness.
Anyhow, she couldn't tell Zack that. And she could only resist his suggestion so long. It was best if they
just got all of this over with, and the quickest way to do that would be to let Zack take charge so she could
rest. At least she'd managed to convince Zack to take her bike instead of his, then he could come back for
his later, the way he'd promised to do for hers.
This, however, presented another problem in itself. Max had never let anyone else drive her baby before –
except Logan. It was just a little thing, but it seemed so…intimate to her. She really took her bike
seriously. She would just have to try and not think about it.
**** ****
He would just have to try and not think about it.
That's what Zack would do. He could do this. He could deal with this. He could still make things work
with Max. She obviously didn't intend to stay with Logan, anyhow. It had been her idea to leave Seattle.
And she didn't seem as shook up about it as she had that one time he'd almost gotten her to leave with him.
So they were over. Max didn't want to be with Logan. If Logan had let her go, then he obviously no
longer wanted to be with her either. There was no reason why she couldn't be with Zack. Right?
Maybe what had happened before had been a mistake. For her, anyhow. Maybe those words she'd spoken
in the night had just been brought on by the heat of the moment. Or by the desolation she felt because of
the fight with Logan. Maybe she wasn't seriously considering a relationship with Zack; maybe she never
had.
But she wouldn't be adverse to it. Zack knew it. She didn't look at him like she felt disgusted by what
they'd done, or sorry about it. In fact, the way she looked at him…
Zack's hands tightened on the handlebars.
'Fuck, Zack. She's pregnant. Don't even think about it!'
He wouldn't think about it. He wouldn't think about being angry at Logan – what's happened has
happened. What mattered now was what he and Max did next. And he wouldn't think about how bad it
hurt knowing that baby wasn't his. It couldn't be his, right? They'd only been together, that once, two
months ago. Max didn't look two months along. Didn't pregnant women start to show by then? And she
was still sick. Wasn't that, like, just an early symptom? Zack had to admit he knew nothing about
pregnancy or babies. He knew that baby couldn't…
Well…
Did he? Did he really know it couldn't be his? The thought hadn't even occurred to Zack. When it did,
his head snapped us as though he'd just been shot at. What if…
Zack shook his head.
No. He wasn't going to just assume that. He wasn't even going to speculate about that. This was bad
enough without getting any false hopes. If he started thinking of the baby as his now, only to find out it
really was Logan's, or someone else's, it would be like finding out for the first time all over again. But
could he just keep assuming it wasn't his?
Zack wanted to howl. This was so goddamned frustrating. Like so many other things, Zack told himself he
just wouldn't think about it. He'd had a lot of surprises today. He needed to step away from this shit for a
moment. To recoup and redeploy. Then he'd think about things. Then he and Max could talk. Would he
ask her then, if the baby was his? Would he sound like an idiot? No, he'd told himself he wouldn't think
about it. Now was not the time and place – on Max's bike, with her and her baby's safety in his hands.
Better to concentrate on something he could think about. Something he could be sure about.
He wasn't going to turn Max away. He wasn't going to walk away again. He wasn't going to "give her her
space" anymore. He always did that, and what did it get him? He always did the "right thing". And the
right thing might be making Max go back to Logan and try to work things out. Hell knew Logan could
provide for her better. He'd certainly be a better father for their child. But he'd given up that privilege by
letting Max go. Hadn't he? This made twice that Max and Logan had blown up. Who said miracle boy
was the one who had to get all the second chances? Third chances? Why couldn't Zack seize the moment
for once in his miserable life? No, he wasn't going to just back off this time. Despite what he'd said, he
wasn't going to let Max go back to Seattle. Not yet. Not till they'd talked – really talked. They weren't
headed to Seattle now, but either Max was too tired, or just too preoccupied to notice.
They were headed somewhere else. Somewhere Zack could think. He wasn't going to let Max just get
away. Yeah, he felt a little guilty. A little selfish. All this time he'd told Max she should go with him,
leave Seattle, because she would be safer that way. Well, she'd be safer now if she stayed with Logan.
With someone who had access to doctors and hospitals. But hadn't that been what Tinga was talking
about? Hadn't she been trying to tell him that it's not enough to just be "safe"? She talked about really
living. She'd talked about love. Well, Zack loved Max. That was something, wasn't it? He wouldn't just
let Max walk away from him the way Logan had. And he wouldn't let anything happen to her, or the baby.
The baby…
Zack wouldn't let anything happen to the baby. He didn't know anything about babies or children, but he
was pretty sure there was more to them than just making sure "nothing happened". His own childhood had
been abnormal – he'd realized this some time ago. Normal childhoods consisted of acceptance and support
and affection. Playtime and…love? That was a normal childhood, and Max would undoubtedly want that
for her child. It's what she would have wanted for herself. But what did Zack know about any of that
stuff? If he did somehow convince Max to give him a chance, if he could make a go of being the kind of
man Max needed, could he be the kind of man the baby needed, too? Could he change diapers and play
with the kid and resist falling back on habit and treating it like one of the soldiers under his command?
The thought made Zack want to laugh, but not because of humor. He hoped he could do those things. He
hoped he could be that man, because that was the kind of man he'd have to be to be with Max. She
wouldn't accept less. If he wanted to be there for Max, he'd have to be there for the baby, too. He was
surprisingly okay with that. The baby had no control over its parentage. And Zack knew from experience
that one could not judge others by their "parentage" or lack thereof. If that kind of judgment were
appropriate, then he'd probably find himself being measured by Donald Lydecker's standards. And he'd
kill the first man who ever suggested he resembled, in any form or fashion, the "old man".
So being there for the baby wouldn't be about inclination, it would be about ability. Was he able to be
a…father? If not a father by blood, then at least by station? And what if he and Max did make things work
and she wanted *another* child. What if she wanted his child?
Zack shifted on the bike seat, making the next turn with a shake of his head.
He got an odd thrill at the thought. Which was crazy. He wasn't certain he had the capacity for family or
fatherhood. If it hadn't been for his discussion with Tinga he would have considered the whole concept to
be ridiculous. But Tinga hadn't talked about it like it was ridiculous. And there was something primitively
satisfying about the thought of Max having his baby. Zack was just so new to all of this. He'd loved Max
for so long, but he'd just recently accepted the idea that he could put that love into a stable, *normal*
relationship with her. Now he had to consider the idea of a family relationship. All his life he'd been
uncomfortable with human emotion – love, compassion. The love he'd felt for his siblings he'd accepted
because it had always seemed to be there; it was a part of him. The love he'd developed for Max he'd
accepted because he hadn't been able to fight it. Now he would have to extend his capacity for love to
include a baby. Babies?
As they neared their destination, Zack's jaw tightened.
He'd told himself he wouldn't think about it, but what if the baby were his? How would he feel about that?
It wouldn't make him any less uncertain about his abilities. It wouldn't really make him feel any more
responsible. Whether the baby was his or not he felt responsible. He always would, the same way he
would always feel that Max was his responsibility. The same way he'd always consider all of the X5s to be
his responsibility. So, Zack supposed it shouldn't really make any difference whether or not the baby was
his. Besides the fact that it would mean Max really had been spending all this time since they'd been
together, pining for him the way he had for her. Of course, that probably shouldn't make a difference
either, but it did.
And whether or not the baby was his made a difference to Zack, too. He thought it shouldn't, but it did.
The thought of the baby being his felt…good. Right. He was far from being sentimental, but…to have
created a life with Max. To have shared something with her she'd never shared with any other man… It
appealed to Zack in a very basic way.
When they pulled up in Zane's driveway, Zack stopped the bike and shook his head.
See now, that was why he'd told himself he wouldn't think. Realistically, it wouldn't change anything if he
thought of the baby as his. It was who it was. He couldn't make it his by wishing. And it wouldn't effect
his plans if the baby was Logan's. He was still going to ask Max to stay with him; he was still going to try
to make that life Tinga had talked about with Max and her baby. So all he was doing by thinking about the
baby's possible parentage was tormenting himself. He had to stop. Now. He and Max could talk after a
good night's sleep. He'd have plenty to think about then.
Beside him, on the bike, Max stirred. It was only then that Zack realized Max had been dozing. This
worried him. Max slept so rarely, after all, and she never dozed off. He was again tempted to disbelieve
her profuse assurances that everything was okay, but he knew Max wouldn't endanger her baby by lying.
"Where are we?" Max asked, looking around. The fact that it had grown dark didn't matter much. Both
she and Zack could see perfectly well in pitch black. The confusion on her face was simply there because
she'd expected to end up in Seattle.
"We're taking a little detour," Zack told her in a neutral tone. He hoped she didn't ask him why.
Luckily, she didn't. She was probably too tired to worry about it right now. Zack felt guilty using that
weakness to benefit his own plans. But the last thing he wanted now was to fight with her again, and he
was determined that they would stay here tonight and have that talk tomorrow that he'd been depending on.
Max just got off the bike, gathering her pack before Zack took it away from her. His sudden need to do
everything for her was both endearing and annoying, but again she didn't protest. Zack probably felt he
was doing her a favor by stopping for the night, giving her a chance to sleep. He himself probably
considered the detour an inconvenience. Usually, Max would say tough shit. But right now she wasn't
feeling all that cocky. She really did need to rest.
"We'll stay here tonight," Zack was saying. "And tomorrow…"
He didn't finish. He was just looking at her, intensely. Max had to look away. Was that…
If only she really was seeing what she thought she saw in his eyes. But he didn't feel that way about her
now, did he? He didn't want her or the baby. Not the way she wanted him to want her. They'd stay there
overnight, and then tomorrow they'd keep going for Seattle. That was what Zack had been about to say,
right?
Max just nodded.
Max headed for the house, when the sound of a dog barking and a door opening stopped her in her tracks.
Max froze where she was, watching as a tall, well-built man came out on the porch. His blonde hair was a
mess, and there was stubble covering his chin. He was wearing nothing but a pair of blue jeans, and a
large, mean-looking German shepherd was sitting at his heels, eyeing her warily.
Shock registered within Max. This place was occupied? She'd assumed Zack had found them safe,
abandoned lodging for the night. It wasn't like him to be sloppy. What was going on?
But, whereas the dog was staring at Max, its owner was staring at Zack.
"What the hell are you doing, man, showing up at this hour? Scared the fucking…"
Then the man's words trailed off as his eyes landed on Max. Max swallowed. A sudden recognition hit
her, almost making her knees weak with surprise and relief. That couldn't be…
"Max?" the man asked, softly. As if he didn't quite believe it. The irritation on his face disappeared, and
surprise was in its place.
It was him.
"Zane?" Max asked.
Oh, my God, it was Zane! It was Zane! Her brother!
Zane slowly started to grin. "Max!"
Max threw herself into her brother's arms, while Zack watched from behind, smiling. Zane and Max
looked like a couple of kids getting their Christmas presents. Krit and Syl had looked the same way a
couple of years ago when Zack had accidentally introduced the two.
It was all about family. Tinga was right. They all wanted family. Even Zack. But would he get his?
