Disclaimer: This is an alternative retelling of the story told from von Glower's point of view. This is a diary, so there are things which are skipped, or other way aroun, depicted in more details. Also it has some touches of a prequel and a sequel to it, because it covers the events that took place a long while before the acual story, and probably after.(yes, I plan to keep Friedrich alive.)

Those wonderful characters do not belong to me and I don't make any profit of using them. I just allow my fantasy to play with them a little, so I borrow them from Jane Jensen and the owners of the game for a while..I'll bring them back!

P.S.: I am native russian and english is my third language so please forgive me for any possible stylistic or grammatical mistakes.



Baron Friedrich von Glower.

The Diary.

October. 7'th.

The autumn is finally here. I didn't manage to make a single entry in this old notebook of mine for quite a long while, and it almost got lost in the pile of notes and buisiness papers which overflow my cabinet. But somehow, today I've had quite a strange desire to address myself again to this imaginary confessor and conversation companion. After all I have no other to take it's place.

I've been walking down the alley, near the square in Perlach, which follows the beautifull boulevard straight to my house and watched those withered leafs covering the ground before me. The sad and touching image of the fall, when the sky gets grey and the wind brings this unforgettable scent of the north, of the upcoming winter. The upcoming winter.The winter is already here with me. As it's been for such a long time. It's right here, inside my heart..a winter that will see no spring. There's no fluffy snowflakes, or christmas carrols, no sense of a little miracle when the snow sparkles under the cold rays of the winter sun, no new year eves.just a white, cold, freezing glacier, which my soul somehow became. It's been such a long time since my life's path was entwined with someone else's. yet, instead of uniting, our souls collided, then as it always happens on the ocassionas like that the weak one should fall, as he did. Oh, Ludwig, that was unfair of you to desert me like this without giving me a slightest chance to explain.Yes, I still remember you my fairytale king, my friend, my love.Still, after all those years. Almost three generations changed since the time you left me, and fled to the oblivion of Death, my thoughts still venture back to those times when we were together, happy and enchanted with each other. Having all the joys of youth ahead of us, or else, that's what we thought. That was a beautiful time, beautiful enough to match your perfection and talent, but cruel enough to destroy your fragile soul and drawn you into the void of insanity. I still wonder if I was really to blame, or if that was fate's hand. I envy you, Ludwing, since I hope and I believe that you're soul's at peace, as I wish mine was.

Loneliness is not as awful as some might think it is. You get used to it as time goes by, and when you're somehow immortal, you've got just enough time to make this feeling one of your usual conditions. I even find some advantages to it - this is really in my nature, to be phylosophical, and try to be contented with life no matter how it comes. But sometimes the "call of the pack" overcomes.and on those moments, even a howl that I can surpress no longer, escaping my throat can't express that cold and painful sensation that squeezes my chest. But thankfully, I'm not the kind of a .should I say being? .that allows oneself to sulk in the darkest corners of one's mind, enjoying one's own depression.

Being free to go anywhere at any time, never being bound to any obligations or duties, always a master to my own desires and caprices - these are the greatests advantages of loneliness, which I tend to cherish. They give me the ability to travel the world, to change so-called love-affairs which the same frequency as I change suits, and not to be responsible..for someone's feelings.never feeling guilty for someone being sad, or going mad.or killing themsleves.

Watching Ludwig withering, sinking in selfdistruction and growing more and more insane, broke a very certain string within my soul, chasing harmony away from my life.Forever.

Strange it is, but after a very long while a certain memory started visiting my nights for some time lately.That was the last time I saw Ludwig. The day he finally and quite adruptly banished me from his life. He was looking sick and the look of his blood stained eyes reminded me of a haunted animal's glance. Feverish, frightened, and hatred..yes, there was hatred, mixed up with pain. He could not forgive me, this I knew. I gave him as much time for reflecting as he wanted, I was not there for him when he was living through the change, and it was according to his own stubborn demand. And for all this time, trying to get myself as far away from him as I could, I still nourished a hope that he will accept his newself, and take me back..as his friend..as his love. But that was not supposed to happen. On that day, (actually the day almost died and the magical twlight was already descending ) I've recieved a most official and cold invitation for an audience with the King. I must admit by then I somhoew forsaw the conversation that followed, but didn't want to accept it.

When I entered, Ludwig didn't even manage look at me.he rose his eyes with heavy and sullen eyelids for a moment as if wanting to meet my searching gaze, but quickly broke the eyecontact. He was afraid and desperate, angry and hurt, I sensed his emotions as my own. Usurely, he sent two lackeys, that gave me a look of repressed contempt, away and the a most unpleasant silence filled the air, making me suffocate with it. That's the most horrifying feeling, when two lovers have nothing more to say to each other.no words of consolation, love, tenderness.they were there in my heart, those words, almost on my tongue, but only one look at his cracked figure, a face strangelly swollen, as if he drank too much, his hands nervously shaking, all those signs of his mental illness sent them back where they came from. He certainly called for me not for the purposeof listening to any romantic verses.

I could not bare seeing him in the state like that any more. I made a step forward, painfully covering those meters betrween us, to embrace him, to give him my shoulder for support and protection, as I always did, since he was much for fragile and delicate than me..but suddenly, when I was about to do so, he thrusted his thin delicate hand forwards and that was so unexpectedlly such a powerful gesture of protest, that I froze.

Ludwig. - I said, willing to find the right words to redeem myself in any way, to find at least a tiny string of understanding between us, but once again he stopped me. I could only wonder what source what he getting the strength from. It was so unlike my Ludwing, to be that firm and determined. He, who could never resist my calling, who was never able to fight with his own fears or desires, so easy to manipulate (the quality I probably overused and was paying for it then), so easilly provoked or brainwashed, was now fighting me, refusing me.It felt weird. It felt painfully scary.

Baron.you have this desired title now. - he said, with his voice, not long ago so soft and charming now sounding hoarse and tired. - Baron Von Glower, I dearly ask you not to forget that I am your king, and to behave along with that statement. Also. - he paused, as if gaining some more strength to continue. - I asked my servants away not for the purpose of achieving some sort of intimicy in our talk, but out of a mere wish to spare you from any humiliation in the eyes of these people. You may take this as my final gift to you, as a sign of an affection.now gone. - His voice broke off, and I felt with every inch of my skin, how hard it was for him to keep up to this official tone that he chose. It was a mask..only.I knew, or I was making myself believe, that i could easilly break his game, but I didn't feel the right to do so. It was is choice, still.

Yes, my lord. As you wish. - That was all I could answer. I even produced a small ironic and bitter bow. He sighed and still avoiding to face me, pronounced :

I wanted to infrom you, that from now on, you are not welcomed in this place, as well as in my country. I demand that you leave as soon as it is possible, and I do not wish to hear from you any more.

If he wished to hurt me, he succeded. That actually did hurt much. Even though I somehow expected to hear something like that. That gentle creature, a feeble soul, so filled with light and kindness actually managed to break my shield of coldness and self-confidence and cause me real pain. I couldn't imagine him actually asking me not to see him ever again.That was too much. I could bear no longer and thrusted myself forwards, grasping his thin weak hand, so soft and delicate, and said :

You don't really mean this Ludwig.you can't just ask me to go, like that! You can't ! You don't want it yourself..you need me, you always did..accept it!And I need you, Ludo..I need you and I love you..Whomever made you think overwise, will pay for it! I know you're angry at me, but I am what i am..and you are as well, a part of me now..as I am a part of you. You just have to learn to accept us as we are.as soon as.. - He didn't let me finish. He looked straight into my eyes, and that burning hateful look, made the words get stuck in my throat. Then, I saw.my Ludwing was driven.insane.just as insane as he could be. His lips cruved and his whole face, so beautiful just few months ago formed a frightening grimace of pain .

Go away.Get out! Leave me be. - he cried out, as if he was going to weep. I drew back from this creature, this living mockery of a fairytale prince he was. I still loved him though.

You betrayed me. - he whined. - everyone does.everyone ever did.and you, you're just like them. Otto von Bissmark might have paid you well, oh, didn't he? You...You are the Devil! And I trusted you..Stay away from me, Satan! - His features became even more gruesome, as he started to move towards me, his steps unsteady, his eyes wet with unshed tears. I backed away from him..as he started to make the cross signs, almost fanatically, trying to drive me away, to shun me , as if he for truth did believe I was the Devil himself. Or maybe I was for him? I didn't know.and I do not know now. But seeing him like this was too much for me. I fled.slamming the door behind myself.I stormed out of the residence, and even though it was raining, I didn't notice it, till I found myself few miles away.

That was the last time i saw him alive. I did try to correspond with him after that unfortunate talk, butall my letters remained unnanswered. Some time after as I sood in the crowd that gave him their respect at his funeral I could not see his face. The coffin was closed, or maybe I stood too far. I don't remember now..I barely remember this day.except that it was gray and cold, and rainy.and everything was in the strange myst.blurred.senseless.All I recall is sadness, emptyness and the feeling of

cold drops of autumn rain brushing my face.sliding down my cheeks.it was autumn as well back then..maybe that's why I recall it so often now? As I walked down the park, all this once again came back to me as i asked myself, if I have the right to experiment once again..to give a chance to someone else? I fear so much, to see that same spark of hatred and insanity in someone else's eyes.

I believe I've ventured too far into the past.I must finish now, since there's a meeting at the club which I do not want to miss.I believe I will introduce Garr to the others tonight.





To be continued.