Match 6: Deathscythe vs Formula 91 - take 2

Duo: Alright lunchbox, let's try this again.
Seabook: I'm so gonna kick your ass.
Duo: Nobody can beat the God of Death!!!! *twirls beamscythe around and is about to strike a bad assed pose, but Seabook takes advantage of Duo's flashy ways and converts to the F-91's equivalent of Super Saiyai-jin mode, flys over, and cuts the the Deathscythes head and arms off.*
Duo: *blink, blink*
Seabook: I win.
Duo: *blink, blink* I need a drink...
*Duo is about to eject from the cockpit of Deathscythe when another plothole opens. Out of it comes the Deathscythe Hell*
Duo: *blink,blink* YAY!!!! *launches out of the cockpit at the Deathscythe Hell, but Seabook notices it too. He runs over and cuts the left arm off*
Duo: The hell did you do that for?
Seabook: Cause F-91 should have been a series dammit. It should have been a series!!!!
Duo: Geeze, this guys a nut... *gets into his wounded Deathsycthe Hell* C'mon buddy, we're here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And you know what?
Deathscythe Hell: we're all outta ass, wait, that's not it...
Duo: Close enough.
Seabook: Who the hell are you talking too?
Duo: My buddy Deathsycthe Hell.
Seabook: You talk to your mecha?
Duo: Hey, Wufei does it too. And so does Quatra, and Heero. Hell, Trowa talks to HeavyArms more than he talks to us.
Seabook: *blinkblink* God I'm glad I wasn't in Wing...
Duo: I wish I was in Double Zeta actually... You don't know how many times I've had to turn the hose on Quatra and the Maguanoc Corps... *shuddershudder*
Seabook: *look of shock and utter disgust* Ewwwwwww.... I thought the author hated yaoi...
*a booming voice is heard*
Zig: I do, but, I mean, c'mon, it's Quatra. You've seen him, right?
Seabook: ... yeah...
Zig: See? You can't really blame me. At least I didn't pair him with Trowa like oh so many fan fics nowadays...
Duo: Hey, you alluded to it!!
Zig: Not neccessarily... Notice, Trowa was banging Frau Brow.
Duo: I'll never forget that either...
Zig: What's so wrong with that?
Duo: I am the God of Death's raging bile duct.
Seabook: But that still doesn't mean you didn't allude to Quatra and Trowa.
Duo: Yeah.
Zig: No, no. You have it all wrong. Wufei alluded to it.
Duo: Wufei? ... that's right... he did...
Zig: Don't you remember Wufei saying things like "stupid woman" "women are stupid" "women are weak" "women are FOR the weak?"
Duo: You don't mean...
Zig: Mmmmhmmmm.
*back on White Base*
Wufei: Spider senses tingling...
*back in space*
Duo: Dude!! Woah!! Not Wufei!! Wufei isn't like that!! I mean, he was married or something like that...
Zig: He was with his wife because it was an arranged marriage.
Seabook: *blinkblink*
Duo: So that's why he cried when he killed Treize... He...
Zig: Yep.
Duo: Ewww...
Wufei: *over loud speakers on a Valkrye from Macross 7* The author is stupid. I am not gay.
Zig: So you hate gay people.
Wufei: I never said-
Zig: So you love them.
Wufei: Yes. Wait, no. I mean-
Zig: Classic self loather. Uncomfortable with his own sexuality.
Wufei: ... Goddamn I hate everyone here...
Duo: Hey man, that was kinda mean...
Zig: Hey, look at it this way, this is one of the few fan fics where your straight.
Duo: Hey, you're right! Hey, why didn't I get to do the humpty hump with that frenchie chick?
Zig: Cause her brother would have kicked your ass.
Duo: No he couldn't.
Zig: He could kill you in a ball...
Duo: AHHH!!!!
Seabook: This must be the legendary Char Aznable.
Zig: Yep.
Duo: Char? Wait, you mean...
Zig: Yep, the guy Quatra was supposed to be a clone of.
Seabook: Huh?
Zig: This was something that few know. Not even Quatra knows it, or, if he does, he chooses not to believe it. See, back when Project: Meteor was originally supposed to be taking over Earth it was decided that one of the greatest leaders and pilots in history must be cloned in order to succede. Char Aznable was choosen. They found some of his cells in cold storage, yet, at some point in the Future Century the cells were contaminated and altered, presumably by the Devil Gundam Corps in an effort to stop Neo Japan from creating an advisary more powerful than Dommon. This effort proved to be fruitless since Neo-Japan was unaware of Char's existance... Only Neo-France was. Still, in After Colony 177, a cloning effort was under way. Some cells were spliced together in an effort to create perfect soldiers. In AC 179 they found victory. Heero was the victory. Heero is the combination of Amuro Rei and Camille Vidan. Heero was their success... Quatra was their failure. Heero was given directly to Doctor J, while Quatra was sold to the sonless Winner family, and was raised as their own.
Duo: But what about Zechs?
Zig: Oh, Zechs. He's actually a direct decendent of Char, oddly enough.
Seabook: But Char didn't have any children...
Zig: How do you explain Iron Mask?
Seabook: Then that means...
Zig: Yep, Cecily is a Zeon by blood. And since Zechs is a decendant of Char...
Seabook: Holy shit...
Zig: God but I love being evil!!
Seabook: Wait... Aren't I supposed to be some sort of decendant of Amuro in this fan fic?
Zig: Heh heh...
Seabook: Wait, how the hell can you explain that one?
Zig: Oh, c'mon man. Don't be so stupid. There was a seven year lapse between the One Year War and the AEUG's fight with the Titans. Amuro was THE hero of the One Year War. You couldn't expect him to not get a little action every now and again... And he had a daughter by the way...
Seabook: Mom!?!
Zig: My, we're certainly very perceptive.
Duo: Anyway, back to this cloning thing. Was I a clone of anyone?
Zig: Nope. That's also why your one of the strongest. Your a natural and have no conflicting talents confusing your system.
Duo: Cool. And Wufei?
Zig: Wufei isn't, his wife was. She was a strange combination of Sayla Mass, Layla Sun, and Chein Agi.
Duo: Two Newtypes and a normal?
Zig: She kinda needed to be Chinese.
Duo: Ahhhhh. Oh, what about Trowa?
Zig: Trowa?
Duo: Yeah.
Zig: Oh... Oddly enough Trowa is a decendent of Kai Shinden.
Duo: *blinkblink* Wait... I've been playing drinking games with one of Trowa's ancestors?
Zig: Actually I can trace you back to Judau...
Duo: I am the God of Death's complete shock.
Zig: I said it before and I'll say it again...
All: "Man but I love being evil."
Duo: ... wait... Your coming up with all of this!?!
Zig: Yes...
Duo: So it's all bullshit then.
Zig: Hey man, it ties everything together better than Turn-A Gundam.
Duo: Fuck you man. I'm not listening to one goddamn word you say from now on... *suddenly a collar appears around everyone's necks* The hell?
Zig: Ever heard of Battle Royal?
Duo: You sonuva-
Zig: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAAAHAHAAAHAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
Seabook: What's Battle Royal.
Zig: Glad you asked. You see, Battle Royal was about Japan being overpopulated and teenagers over running the country. To contend with this, the Japanese government institued the Battle Royal. Basicly, in the end there can be only one. They have three days to kill each other off. If more than one is left after those three days, they all die.
Seabook: How can they all die?
Zig: They had collars attatched to them which could not be removed. Were they to be tampered with, it would blow up.
Seabook: Wouldn't we have the technology to take these off now?
Zig: Look closely at them.
*Seabook and Duo look clkosely at their collars.*
Both: "Made by Plothole Systems Inc. Appearing in stories since the begining of time." Aw shit.
Zig: Ain't I ya stinker? Naga naga nooch! *voice fades away*
Duo: Wait, this means we have to kill each other, right?
Seabook: Yeah, I guess.
Duo: Than we have to get back to White Base now.
Seabook: Why?
Duo: Because, we have to settle this in our final mecha. Trowa has to get HeavyArms blown appart so he can get the HeavyArms Custom.
Seabok: Who is he supposed to fight?
Duo: I dunno...
*something is heard*
Zig: *coughJudaucough*
*it goes away*
Duo: I swear he hates us.
Seabook: Hey, who was the clever asshole who thought to cuss out the author.
Duo: Hey, you know what? Lick. My. Balls.
Seabook: I thought the author said you weren't gay.
Duo: ... Shut up, Shinji.
Seabook: Now that was just cold.

Match 7: HeavyArms vs Double Zeta

Judau: Hey, how ya doin'? Don't think I've met you before...
Trowa: ...
Judau: Uh, hey, do you think you can say something?
Trowa: ...
Judau: Hey, third time's a charm, right?
Trowa: ...
Judau: Uh...
*the scene goes SD*
HeavyArms: look, he's not gonna talk. I'm truly sorry about this, but he never talks to anyone. not even Quatra. *sigh* really, I think he needs to go see a pyschiatrist myself, but he never listens to me. you know, I really think it effects his piloting skills. I really do. if he'd just talk to someone once in a while -blahblahblah, you get the picture- and that's the secret of the universe.
Judau: Wow... I feel so enlightened now...
Trowa: ... *holds up sign like Genma from Ranma 1/2*
Sign: "Wow, I feel so much better about myself now. I don't think I could kill anyone ever again."
HeavyArms: well that makes me feel so much better. *sniffsniff* if mecha could cry, I certainly would.
Trowa: ...
Sign: "But, on the downside, I must self destruct you now..."
HeavyArms: huh?
Trowa: ...
Sign: "Yo, Judau, wanna gimme a hand here?"
Judau: Right!
HeavyArms: what? what?
Trowa: *setting self destruct sequence, opening hatch and jumping into the Double Zeta's hand* ...
Sign: "Sorry, but you know how these things go. Well, we're off."
Trowa: ... *turns sign around*
Sign: "Judau, gun it!!!"
Judau: Gotcha!!
*the Double Zeta rockets off with Trowa in it's hand. The HeavyArms suddenly explodes in a firey haze*
Judau: I love fireworks. Don't you Trowa. Trowa? *looks at hand on viewscreen*
*Trowa has been squezzed to death by accident and is now a floating mass of blood*
Trowa: ...
Sign: Urk...
Judau: Woops.... Um...
*The Double Zeta lifts up it's foot and wipes Trowa under it. Then it puts it's hands behind it's back and manages to look like it's whistleing innocently as it jets off.*
*the scene goes un-SD and a close up of Trowa on the bottom of Judau's foot is seen. Japanese suddenly comes up, subtitled in English.*
Subtitles: "Trowa Barton, 1 down, 8 to go."

Match 8 Nu Gundam vs Sandrock Kai

Amuro: There's no way I can lose now.
Quatra: I still think we shouldn't be fighting at all.
Sandrock Kai: i still think i hate you.
Quatra: Oh Sandrock... *tearing up* Your so good to me...
Sandrock Kai: go to hell.
Amuro: Fin Funnel!!!! GO!!
*All of a sudden, the fin funnels of the Nu GUndam launch out, dissmembering the Sandrock. First the left arm, then the right leg, then the head, half of the left leg is also destroyed. The funnels pull back then.*
Quatra: SAAAAAANNNDROOOOOOOOCK!!!!!!
Sandrock Kai: *sigh*(... if mecha could sigh that is) i hate my excistance...
Quatra: Don't worry Sandrock... I'll put you out of your misery for you...
Sandrock Kai: not again...
Quatra: Self destruct sequence has been innitiated... Good bye, Sandrock. *leaps out*
Sandrock Kai: why you little fuc-
*Quatra rockets to the White Base as the Sandrock Kai explodes. This time Amuro's Gundam is left undamaged.*
Amuro: Oh yeah... Who tha newtype? Who tha newtype?
*back on White Base*
Bright: You tha newtype.
*back in space*
Amuro: Awwwww yeah...
*back on White Base*
Wufei: When did Bright and Amuro turn ghetto?
Judau and Duo: *drunk* TEQUILLA!!!!!!
Heero, Camille, and Shinji: *drinking* I hate my life...
Issamu (from Macross Plus): Where all the ladies at?
Christina MacKenzie (from Mobile Suit Gundam 0080): Hey handsome, feel like a redhead?
Bernie (also from 0080): Chris!!!
Christina: Bite me Bernie or I'll kill you AGAIN... Anyway, what's your name?
Issamu: Name's Issamu... Hey, you sound sorta familure... *if you get the joke, then you've obviously played Super Robot Wars Alpha and have seen Macross Plus. I'd explain, but I'm too damn lazy.*
*they walk off together. Bernie goes over to where Camielle, Seabook, and Shinji from Neon Genisis Evangelion are sitting.*
Heero, Camielle, Shinji, and Bernie: *drink* I hate my life. *drink*

Bonus 3: The author speaks

*another plothole opens and out steps the author inot white space*
Zig: Ok folks I thik it's time to address some of the reviews I've gotten... Now, the first one to address is the thing about the crappy screenplay style. You see, I've been writing like this for a while now and I sort of like it. I do write "real" stories, as the person put it. I do, in fact, have another story up on this very site in the Evil Dead/Army of Darkness section. I just thought that since this story is mainly dialogue heavy I should just write it like this. Also, there's a very subtle joke in here. Too bad no one caught it, but did anyone notice the part about the pilots getting a new series? And this is written in a screenplay style? ... Nevermind... It's a bit of a stretch to begin with... Next, the comment on Newtyoes vs Wing boys. As of the year 2000, the Newtype stats were higher than Wing boy stats. How do I know this? Super Robot Wars Alpha. Next, the issue of G Gundam. Place this in the Super Robot Wars universe or blame it on a plothole... The damn things keep sprouting all over the place. Now, the part about the dragon and shenlong gundams. Too be honest, the Shenlong is a rip of the Dragon. This is even more evident when the Shenlong is replaced with the Alstron. I'm playing up on the rips. Also, the reason I keep pitting Amuro vs Quatra is because of the fact that they have the same voice actor in the US version. Any other question can probably be answered by plotholes. Sometimes I can't even control them. Now if you'll excuse me, I must be going.
*atempts to walk through wall and bangs into it*
Zig: Sonuva- Oh shit... I left the keys on the table... Dammit... Oh wait.. they're right here. LAter.
*this time succeds in walking through wall*