The Clock Cannot Be Turned With Remorseful Yearns
Services for Narcissa Malfoy were held just a few days after she was found. Very few were in attendance. The Hogwarts staff accounted for the majority, though we were not all present, just the few of us who knew her as a friend or student. Draco and Harry were of course there. Sirius Black came with a very somber face on the arm of Remus Lupin. At the time I wasn't sure whether they were there to support Draco or because they actually felt something. After seeing Black shed real human tears, I was convinced that the latter was indeed the case. None of her family were there, though Lucius's sister, Carmilla, did grace us with her presence. Draco shuddered when she walked through the door and I couldn't help but wonder if she had had a hand in torturing the poor boy. Narcissa was probably scowling at her from the next plane. The thought made me smile, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared.
Remembering Narcissa brought no angry or hateful memories to mind. Unfortunate, perhaps, but not negative. The unfortunate incident to which I refer is still as clear in my mind as the day that it had happened. She had come to Hogwarts to see her son on his fifteenth birthday and ended up spending the majority of her time there in my office.
Potions papers were piled up on my desk, waiting for grades, when I heard a soft knock on the open door. I looked up to see Narcissa standing there.
"Hi there, Severus." Her greeting was timid. It had been a long time since we had seen each other without the company of her husband.
"Narcissa, come in, please." I motioned for her to have a seat and I joined her by the fire. "How are you? It's been so long."
She relaxed, letting out a bit of a genuine smile. "That it has. Too long, really." Her eyes were clouding with tears that would never spill as she looked at me. "Oh, Severus, I miss you. I've got no one but the house elves anymore. It's so hard with Draco being at school and Carmilla insists upon keeping me company. She comes at least once a month now."
I laughed in recognition of her dislike for her sister-in-law. "I'm so sorry, you poor dear. I take it that she hasn't changed any, then?"
"Oh, my goodness," she laughed, "NO! My tolerance for her has hit rock-bottom. She's such a wretched creature, it's a wonder she's allowed to walk on the same planet as the rest of us. But, really, Severus, how are you?"
"Well, thank you. I'm finally starting to enjoy having a relatively quiet life."
Smiling warmly she replied, "I'm so glad you're happy here." She looked down at the floor. "You know, I really envy you for leaving. Just for having the courage to leave. And I... I just can't," she finished, covering her face with her hands.
"Maybe, but that's not your fault, and don't ever think that it is. And really, it wasn't courage on my part, it was having nothing else to lose."
A bitter smile twisted her mouth. "And what have I got to lose?"
"Well, Draco, for starters."
She sighed in resignation as she gently nodded her head. "Not for starters, period. I couldn't leave him with his father. I wouldn't leave him with his father." She seemed thoughtful for a moment before continuing. "You know, he's the only good thing that's ever happened to me since Lucius and I... you know."
I nodded. I did know. Lucius had taken her away from Black after leaving school. She hated him for it. Then he made sure that she would stay with him, thus Draco's existence.
"And it's been so lonely without you around. You're the only one who ever came around there that was actually a decent person."
At that I had to laugh. "Thank you, Narcissa, no one's ever told me that before."
"I'm very serious. I never could figure out how you got caught up in that. You're far too good a person to let your ideals get warped like that."
"My ideals were warped plenty, but it was just a temporary thing. Thank goodness."
She sat and stared at me as though it were the first time she had ever seen me. "Severus, can I ask you a question?"
"Another one?"
"Yes."
"Go ahead."
"Why did you become a... a... a Death Eater?" she asked very timidly.
I was afraid she would ask that. What was I supposed to tell her? I didn't think she knew about James Potter and I. I didn't want to tell her the truth; how would she react?
"If you don't want to tell me, that's okay. I just... I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay. That is a very valid question." I tried to think of the best way to explain my stance without giving away too much information. "Let's just say that I let my pride get in the way of my better judgment."
She threw her arms around me and hugged me so tight that I thought she was going to break my ribs. "Oh, I'm so glad you didn't really believe in all that. I always knew you were better than the rest of them."
We sat and talked for a long time after she let me go. It was very nice to have her there again. When I was on that side, I spent a lot of my time with Narcissa. When we were in school she was always on my side. She was my best friend, though I wasn't too sure that she knew it. I never told her about James and I, first because I didn't want her to be repulsed and later because I didn't want to have to admit that I was thrown aside for someone else. She used to tell me everything about Black. I remember the day that he asked her to marry him. She came running up to me in the Great Hall just before the stairs to the dungeons.
"Oohh, Severus, guess what?" she squealed, jumping about.
"You've given up on magick and have decided to run away and join the circus!"
She stared at me as though I had snakes crawling out of my ears. "WHAT?"
I almost fell over I was laughing so hard. She put her hands on her hips and glared at me. It took all of my willpower to calm down enough to face her. "I'm sorry, what were you going to say?"
She recovered, the grin once again reappearing on her face and jumping about maniacally. "Sirius and I are going to get married! Isn't that just wonderful?!!"
"Oh, Narcissa, I'm so happy for you."
Throwing herself at me, she gave me the greatest hug. "I knew you'd be happy for me, thank you, thank you, thank you!" She pulled back and resumed her mad jumping. "Will you come? Will you be my maid of honour?" She crinkled her nose. "Or whatever?"
"Oooh, do I get to wear a frilly pink dress and everything?"
Now she was doubled over with laughter. "You? In a... pink... dress?" she gasped.
"Why? What colour would you prefer?"
She stopped and stared a moment before lapsing into peals of laughter. "You're.. right. Pink... is.. your colour."
Unfortunately, the day we talked about on many occasions after that never did come. Even though Black and I hated each other's guts, Narcissa bridged the gap in a way no other could have. Except for James. Had he chosen to tell about it, it may have worked. Had he not fallen for Lily Evans, it may have worked. But these are all 'could have been's and not the way it was now.
Most everyone left right after the service was concluded. I sat in my seat very near to the back of the room, watching Harry and Draco. They talked for a long time. Harry's arm was hooked around Draco's shoulder, his head on Harry's shoulder. It occurred to me that this was a kind of closure for Draco that Harry could never have. Harry would never be able to sit in a room like this with those who knew his parents and be able to grieve alongside them. Now I was feeling like it was my responsibility to talk to Harry about them. Well, his father, anyway.
They got up to leave, but stopped when they saw me. I rose and tried to put them to ease with a smile, but I don't know how successful I was. As I got closer to where they were standing, I saw that Harry's face was streaked with tears, as well. He had been crying. I'd never seen Harry Potter cry before and it struck a very deep chord within me. He looked like James at that moment, so noble and strong beside his weakened lover, but human, nonetheless.
For a few long moments we all stood staring at each other, but saying nothing. Finally, I found my voice, though it didn't sound at all like me. "Draco, I'm very sorry."
A very weak smile found it's way to his mouth. "Thank you, Sir. So am I."
Passing me, they continued on their way. Just before they reached the door, I found myself calling to Harry. They both turned, but then Harry must have told Draco to go on ahead because he left him alone. He walked very apprehensively to stand before me.
"Sir?"
"Hi, Harry.... How are you?" I faultered.
"Fine... Are you all right, Sir?"
"Well... actually... I just wanted to apologize for... well, for being an ass to you for so long." Dumbstruck, he stared at me. Then his face cracked into an odd sort of grin, very reminiscent of his father. I practically collapsed into the nearest seat, I was overcome with such a wave of despair as I hadn't felt in a very, very long time. I missed James so badly. Finally, the weight of his absence in my life hit. Before I knew what I was doing, I was sobbing harder than I had ever done before. I was vaguely aware of Harry sitting beside me. After a moment, he laid a hand on my shoulder.
"Are... are you all right?" Forcing myself to stop, I looked up at him. His eyes were filling with tears and he had the most concerned look on his face.
"No, I'm not. Not at all. Harry, there is no excuse I can make for my behaviour towards you. But please just accept that I'm sorry."
He nodded very solemnly. "Thank you, Professor. That means a lot to me."
"James would have been proud of you."
Obviously I caught him off guard. He looked stunned for a moment before finally smiling again. "I thought you hated my father."
"I did. But I didn't. I've been very wrong about a lot of things and I think now I need to own up to the fact that I have been an awfully petty individual. I guess.... hell, I don't know."
Now he was laughing at me. "Who are you? And what have you done with Professor Snape?"
I was laughing along with him. "Draco's waiting, you know."
He nodded. He stood and walked slowly away, stopping just as he reached the door. "You know, I think he would have been proud of you, too." Then he was gone.
Harry Potter had actually accepted my apology, though why I had no idea. Were I in his position, it would have taken a whole lot more than just a lousy, "Sorry, kiddo." He was mature beyond his years and more wise than was really good for a kid his age. He had one of the warmest hearts I've ever seen. Warmer than his father's, if that was even possible.
My broken heart was in its final stage of healing, after almost twenty years. Harry had given me that last bandage, and it was one I didn't know I needed. There was no more regret for the way that my life had turned out. No more yearning for that which was not. Pining for a lost love seemed ludicrous. In the end, James was happy with the person he was with, and that counted for everything. I finally reached the point that I could be happy for him. No more hatred for Lily. Now I was grateful for her, for without her there would have been no Harry Potter to save the world from Voldemort. She had given the world one of its greatest gifts.
I skipped the following reception. Instead, I went to the Pit, my favourite Muggle pub just across the street from the Leaky Cauldron. I had taken to Muggle pubs after being introduced to beer by none other than Narcissa herself. Actually, she was the one who first brought me here when we were on summer holiday a lifetime ago. She'd made us up Muggle identification cards, which I thought were rather silly. It was so easy to make them up, it was a wonder that their system worked at all.
I sat at our old table and waited for the young waiter to take my order. The place hadn't changed much in all the time I had been coming here. Even some of the patrons were the same. The old man that sat at the end of the bar was still there. The bartender was still the same old bat that had been there since the first time we came. The waiter was a boy not more than twenty years of age, though. And I saw that the table that always held a bunch of older ladies playing some game with cards now held a different group of them.
Muggles actually do have some decent ideas in some arenas. Alcoholic beverages being their forte, without a doubt. The waiter gave me a funny look when I ordered a pint of Guinness along with a rum runner. That was always her favourite. She liked anything with a kick to it. Her philosophy was always, "If you're going to get a Muggle drink, get something you'll remember in the morning." At the time, I had no idea what she meant. Then I woke up the next morning with an awful headache and a bone-dry mouth. I wasted no time in yelling at her, but she just laughed at me. "Drink a glass of water before you pass out, next time."
"Oh, sure, you tell me this now."
By the time I finally got the bill, I was in a right state. Thank Narcissa for getting me accustomed to behaving correctly while intoxicated. The boy left it on the table and hurried off. It took me a moment to realize that the number written on the back was not a sum. I looked up and saw him blushing furiously at me. The red was seeping into my face, as well. It had been a long time since such a thing had happened to me. I tore off the part with the number and placed it in the pocket on the inside of my cloak. I wrote down my address on the remaining portion, left a few Muggle notes on the table, and left.
While I walked through Diagon Alley, I reviewed the day. Already I had buried my best friend, made peace with Harry, and made peace with myself. At least to some degree. And it wasn't even six o'clock yet. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I was not wishing that I could change the past. All the things I wished I could change had made me the person that I am, and that is all that counts.
Although the day had started out as one of my worst, it had turned out to be one of my best. I felt as though from that day I would finally be able to start moving forward instead of just standing still. Perhaps I might make a date with my waiter, Jonathan. It would be the first in... god... five years? Yes, I would definitely have to start living again. After all, there would be plenty of time to be dead later.
*****
I must admit it, this is my new favourite chapter. Do you like it? Please, please say that you do. But only if you REALLY mean it. Oh, who am I kidding? I know you do. Because you're just that wonderful!
