Warning: If you've made it this far and are only now realising that this contains some male/male relationship and even a bit of sexual stuff, you have got some serious issues. I recommend checking into some professional assistance.
A/N: This was the chapter from hell. I sobbed half the way through it, so give me a break. And it didn't go through my beta yet, either, but I was just too anxious to post to really care. So on with the show...
I Shout To Time That Nothing Stays
The station in and of itself was a rather... interesting affair. Once we had all gone through the barrier and were standing on Platform 9ยน, I realised that every head was turned in our direction. I could hear Draco starting to hyperventilate behind me and that was the last thing he needed at the time. I was sure that it was difficult enough for him without his former house mates throwing death glares at him. Harry, Ron, and Ginny were being fussed over, and I could see that it was going to be some time until they were going to be ready to board the train. Draco and I said our goodbyes to Molly and Arthur and I dragged him onto the train.
Once we found an empty compartment, he started to calm down. "Are you all right?" I asked him. Clearly he wasn't all right, but what else could I really have said?
"Yeah. I'll make it."
He was doing much better than I had anticipated. I had no idea what to expect once we got to the station, but I knew it was not going to be pleasant. At least there hadn't been any confrontations or anything. That was definitely a plus. After a few deep breaths, Draco was almost breathing normally again.
"Sorry 'bout that," he said.
"Don't apologise to me. You didn't do anything wrong."
He nodded, but said nothing. He was staring out the window as though he were watching a movie. The longer he sat there staring out the window, the further he slouched in his seat. The expression on his face was of complete desolation.
"Draco?" He looked up at me as though afraid. Or like he had never seen me before in all his life. "What's wrong?"
"This is the first year my mum hasn't been here," he whispered.
Ahh. I had almost forgotten about that. Harry owled me after they'd gotten home from her funeral. He talked a lot about his parents and told me that Snape was actually human, after all. He didn't tell me much about Draco's reaction. He was obviously taking it harder than he was willing to let on most of the time. That first night at Harry's, we talked about her a little bit, but not really extensively.
Not really knowing what else to do, I took the seat beside him and laid a hand on his shoulder. He looked startled for a moment, then relaxed when he realised that it was just me. Draco was odd like that; it was like he would forget where he was and who he was with sometimes. He behaved like an animal that had spent most of its life trying to escape the abusive hands of its master. Whether he always looked so vulnerable and listless, I couldn't honestly say, but since the Weasleys had arrived to pick us up, he had been wearing that very look.
"And she'll never be here." And he started crying.
Pulling him into my arms, we sat with him crying on my shoulder for several very long moments. The door slid open, and I figured that it was just Harry and Ron. Then there was the most god awful laughter ringing through the entire compartment. I spun around, letting go of Draco, and coming face to face with Blaise Zabini who was flanked by Crabbe and Goyle.
"Here he is. And it looks like he's crying on the Mudblood's shoulder. Isn't that sweet," Blaise mocked.
"Aww. Poor little Draky." Goyle was worse than Blaise with his mockery.
"Must still be crying over mummy. What happened to her again?" Crabbe added.
"Committed suicide, I believe. Poor thing'll have to do it all over again," Blaise drawled.
"Get. Out."
I turned around to see Draco standing with his wand pointed straight at Blaise. He wasn't crying, he was looking absolutely murderous.
Harry's voice came from just outside the compartment, "What are you doing here?"
"Ah, Potter. How lovely to see you," Blaise said, stepping aside.
Ron and Harry moved into the compartment and slid the door shut behind them. Ron muttered a locking spell while Harry was trying to calm Draco. "What did he say to you?"
Draco didn't answer, he just sat there looking as shell-shocked as ever. If this was how things were going to start off, I wasn't all that sure that everything would be okay in the end. That was only the first of what I was sure would be thousands of confrontations. I also couldn't imagine that everyone else would keep their distance like Blaise had. I was deathly afraid that it would turn violent at some point, and that was the last thing Harry or Draco needed.
There was a small knock on the door. For a moment none of us reacted. Then Ron stood, closed his spell, and opened the door for Ginny to enter. She was looking a bit pale.
"I can't find Neville," she said, tears welling up in her eyes.
Returning from any sort of holiday always made me nervous. There was no telling who would not return. Most of Slytherin house was still intact, though there had been a few who had disappeared over the course of the last two years. Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff had suffered the greatest losses with almost half of each house gone. Gryffindor had lost mostly the younger kids, the Creeveys, Lavender Brown, and now Neville, too?
Ron and Ginny sat on the opposite side of the compartment from Draco, Harry, and I. Ron held onto her while she cried. She and Neville had become something like best friends since the Yule Ball, our fourth year. Neither Ginny nor Neville had all that many friends and the two of them had become almost inseparable. This year was going to be one of the worst, I was sure of it.
Once Ginny had stopped crying, Draco stood and sat beside her. She stared at him for a moment as though he were some alien creature, the likes of which she'd never seen before. "It's okay," he said quietly. "I lost my mum."
"You-" she stopped. Nodding, she pulled away from Ron and began talking with Draco. They sat like that for the better part of the journey to Hogwarts, discussing the people they'd lost.
It was so sad, listening to these two people who had never before so much as looked at the other sideways, talking about their lost loved ones. It was so sad that it took tragedy to bring so many of us together. Ginny had lost her best friend, and that was something I couldn't comprehend. Ron and Harry were the first friends I'd ever had and to lose them was more than I cared to think about. Draco had lost his mother and his father, though the latter was more a blessing than a curse. My mother was the greatest person in the world, so far as I was concerned, and I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without her in it. That is what those times were like: always anticipating the worst, never knowing who was next, and always wondering if it was going to be you.
On a positive note, Draco and Ginny were becoming friends. They had found common ground, even if it happened to be battle ground. I was hoping that there would be some sort of turnaround in events this year. I was hoping that there would at least be something good to look forward to. The previous two years had been spent in wretched waiting for the last shoe to drop. It was only a matter of time before it all came to a head and Voldemort would either triumph or fall. I was feeling very much like this year would be the year that it happened. On the one hand, that thought was absolutely terrifying. On the other, at least it would be done and we might finally be able to go on.
We arrived at Hogwarts, the five of us sharing a carriage to the castle. The number of carriages that stood waiting for all the students was painfully low. When everyone was assembled in the Great Hall, we could all see just how many had left us. Slytherin was, for the most part, unchanged, though everyone there seemed to be a bit more subdued than usual. Excepting, of course, Blaise and his henchmen. Ravenclaw was about the same as it was at the end of last year. Hufflepuff was almost nonexistent with only a handful of students left. Gryffindor was without Neville, Parvati, and several of the second and third year kids.
Dumbledore stood to make his speech once the ten first years were sorted into their respective houses. "Good evening and welcome back. Before I make the rest of my announcements, I would like to take a moment to mention those who are no longer with us." He paused, collecting himself. This was the same routine he had been through for the last two years, and it was never any easier for him. "Parvati Patil of Gryffindor house and her sister, Padma, of Ravenclaw, Neville Longbottom, also of Gryffindor, Justin Finch-Fletchley of Hufflepuff," and he continued with a list of about twenty names. At the end of the list, there was a moment of silence. It was the worst year, without a doubt. Never before had so many been lost at one time. "I would now like to introduce to you your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Lupin."
Lupin? But, we left him at Harry's house that morning. He never mentioned anything about coming back to teach. "Some of you may remember him from earlier years," Dumbledore continued. I never thought that Remus would agree to come back after the first time, after which the entire school found out that he was a werewolf.
Dinner was a quiet affair, most everyone stunned into submission by the amount of losses. We headed up to Gryffindor Tower, but not before flagging Remus down and harassing him about not telling us what was up. He seemed flattered by our response, which was, without a doubt, the high point of the evening. He hurried us out of the hall and sent us on our way, promising that we would be his first class the following day.
Up until we reached the common room, no one said anything or even seemed to notice Draco. Once we were inside, it was Seamus who yelled, "Wait a second, since when did Slytherin and Gryffindor start sharing dorms?"
All heads turned to Draco, who was flushed and breathing too fast. Harry glared icily at Seamus and told him, "Never. Draco isn't a Slytherin, obviously, or he would not be here right now." The rest of those assembled seem to take it that his statement was directed at them, as well. That seemed to settle the matter, as most everyone continued on their way. It seemed that none of our little group were too keen on going up to bed right away, so we commandeered a corner of the common room. Dean and Seamus followed along behind us, obviously wanting to know why Draco Malfoy was now in Gryffindor when he had been the most notorious Slytherin in all the time we'd gone to school together..
"So, what's he doing here then?" Dean asked, trying to keep the tension from his voice.
"Dumbledore thought that it would be in his best interest if he were to stay here for the rest of the year," I told him. He didn't seem all that satisfied, but he let the matter drop.
Seamus, on the other hand, was looking at Draco like he was the subject of a scientific experiment. "Does he talk?" he asked in his innocent fashion.
"Yes, I talk," Draco replied in a condescending tone. I was secretly cheering him on.
"Sorry, I just wasn't sure, being as you haven't said a word since you arrived, you know. I thought that maybe you were an impostor or something because the Draco Malfoy I used to know was a spoiled, mean-spirited git," Seamus said as though he were explaining nothing more than why he thought his tea wasn't strong enough.
"Yes, well, I was. 'Was' being the operative word," responded Draco in a very cool and collected manner.
"So what happened?"
"Harry," he said cheerfully and with a very loving smile toward the boy in question.
"Harry? Oh, right, you mean you're- Riiiiight. Huh. What do you know?" Seamus sat back, assessing Harry and Draco. "Actually, yeah. I could see it. Never pegged you for being a literal fairy, though."
"What do you mean 'literal fairy'?" Draco asked, slightly taken aback.
"I mean, you kinda look like a faerie. The little creature, you know? But I never thought that you were, you know? A fairy," he explained in his typically convoluted manner.
"Like you're one to talk," Harry exclaimed, laughing.
Seamus feigned being scandalised, placing his hand on his chest. "Moi?"
"Yes, you."
"And all this time I thought you never paid any attention to me."
"Ignoring you is a virtual impossibility," Ron pointed out.
"Oh, Ronnikins! I had no idea you felt that way!" At that point, Seamus threw himself at Ron, who wasn't quick enough to move out of the way, so he wound up with a lapful of Seamus.
"Geroff. I don't feel that way, you bleeding ponce," Ron laughed.
Seamus sat on Ron's lap for a moment with his lower lip stuck out in a pout and his arms crossed before Ron pushed him off. "But-"
"Come on, you," Dean said, dragging Seamus off the couch. "Leave them alone. I think you've harassed them enough for one night." He turned to the rest of us and said, "See you later, then. Good night, Hermione."
"Good night, Dean."
"Big kiss!" Seamus added with a gesture to match.
Dean then hoisted his squirrely best friend onto his shoulder and carried him off up the stairs. Seamus continued to bat his eyelashes and blow kisses at us until they had turned the corner.
"I still can't believe they allow that kid to remain with the general populace," Draco laughed, watching Seamus go. "I would have thought they'd have caged him up or something."
"There's no zoo in the entire universe that would want to take him," Harry added.
I looked up to see Ginny still standing in the middle of the room as though frozen in place. All at once, everything rushed back to me. Parvati wouldn't be there when I went up to bed. Though I had never been particularly fond of Parvati, her absence was not welcome by any means. I had actually gotten used to her unending strings of gossip and stupid jokes and makeup tips. Now, there would be no vacuousness to lighten the tension at the end of every day. And Neville wouldn't be sitting at the table in the morning with Ginny, trying to catch up on everything they'd missed over the holiday. He wouldn't be whispering in my ear, asking me to help him with his potions anymore. He wouldn't tag along behind Harry, watching him practice Quidditch ever again. Neville was gone. Just as Parvati was gone. Would this ever get any easier? Learning to deal with watching the people I'd spent the last six years of my life with just drop out of sight was nearly impossible. Every year it was the same; only the names changed.
"You all right?" Draco whispered.
I turned around, not knowing he was sitting directly beside me. He must have moved in the time that I had been lost in my thoughts. "No. I'm not." I was fighting off tears. I didn't want to cry in front of the boys; I always hated myself when I couldn't keep myself in check. "But I'm more okay than she is."
He glanced up at Ginny, who was still standing in the same position she'd been standing in for the last five minutes, at least. For a moment, he stared at her, but said nothing. Then he turned back to me and said, "It won't always be like this."
"So when will it change?"
"I don't know." We lapsed into silence for a moment, just looking at each other as though searching for answers. Asking questions seemed almost silly when nothing ever had an answer. Nothing was ever for certain. All any of us could do was live our lives one day at a time because, for all we knew, that was all we had left. "I wish there was something I could do or say to make it all go away. I just don't know, Hermione, and I am so sorry."
"So am I." That was all I could say. The heat in my eyes finally got the better of my will, and I felt several tears roll down my face.
Sadness tainted his smile as he picked my hand up and held it in his own. "If it makes you feel any better, I just want you to know that you're the coolest chick I have ever known in my whole life, aside from my mum. So at least not everything in this world is horrible and ugly."
Unable to suppress a smile, I answered, "Thanks, Draco. That means a lot to me." Reaching my free hand to my face, I wiped away the tears. "You know, you're a pretty cool guy."
"You think?"
"No. I know."
*****
So? Action will start to pick up within the next couple of chapters and I hope to have this wrapped up in some kind of timely manner. *snorts* I know, I know. So, please review. Thanks, loves. Cheers.
