Disclaimers: Only Neil can claim rights to the Endless...though I remain convinced that I can own the Corinthian. I of course am delusional. But no, Desire does not belong to me nor would I claim ownership for It if It did....Well, not right away..... :]
Author's Note: Oh the realizations that occur during finals week. Despite the wonderful sway that the beauty of Botany has over my life (heh.....yeah right), I have come to a sad realization about Desire, the most misunderstood of the Endless. I'll probably end up writing more about Desire at some point. Writing for It is surprisingly easy. Gotta love the Marilyn Manson version of that song, by the way.
Desire: Tainted Love
I will freely admit I care for my brother just not in the way that I should. I cannot love him but I can lust for him.
Being the embodiment of mortals' desire, how could I possibly be capable of love? Poor love. Does anyone even want it? Recalling my sister's change from Delight to Delirium, I don't think so.
Mortals can't fully appreciate the beautiful subtleties of an emotion so pure likewise, neither can I.
Something my other siblings fail to notice in our selfishness. I wonder if mortals ever realize how innately selfish their self-made gods are.
Perhaps they realize it more than Gods know or the Endless for that matter.
He's the very ice-cold cruelty of the moon. Does he even begin to understand how cruel he is? His words, his angst-filled looks of apathy. Not to mention how he won't even touch me.
Doesn't he understand that I can hate? That I too can be cruel? I fall just short of love though I long for it.
In purring whispers, I attempt to seduce him when what I wish I could do is tell him I love him. Tell him that I don't want to be this. Tell him this lust is merely the culmination of my emotional affection for him.
At the same time that this is true, it is also a lie. I am content the way I am...if only....
He is always disappointed in me. I always hurt him. He deserves it for spurning me. For neglecting me. For neglecting all his siblings.
He only notices us when we screw up or cause him pain. Only Death clearly addresses him with the fact that he is a selfish bastard.
I can't accuse him of course seeing as I am the same.
Here in the Threshold, I can't even escape my siblings. In addition, I cannot just leave like Lucifer left hell. I don't get the luxury of decision-making or discomfort.
I am oddly content here. Both bemused and irritated with everything. Every failure of those in my care fills me with joy and sadness.
I envy Despair. Even in her darkest moments, my twin can feel love. She suffers for it in the lonely isolation she has that will never end. She will never even have a brief mortal companion.
I envy Dream. I envy him that he can live in a world based completely on mortal delusions and still view the rest of us with scorn. A world the rest of the Endless can barely penetrate.
He would notice me as much as that pathetic elf girl, Nuala, who spends her days in his castle if I did not irritate him and ruin his plans.
I would do more often if I could risk him figuring out why I even bother. I long so badly to make him smile just once but....I am Desire. I wouldn't want to stop there. I know myself much better than that.
So what is there to do? Stare at him longingly knowing how wrong it is and finding myself still past the point of all caring.
I'll wish for his end so I no longer have to look at him. No longer crave him so much that it makes my skin crawl to think about him.
I'll never have a chance to explain any of this to anyone...I barely believe it myself.
