Chapter Six: Motherfunhouse

June, 2001



With Dawn safely tucked away at a neighbor's house, the group set out the following night to test the Buffybot. Xander suggested that they give it a new name, so they wouldn't confuse Dawn when she met the robot. Anya immediately vetoed the idea, reminding them that they couldn't have a Slayer running around who didn't answer to her own name. It was bound to rouse some suspicion in the local demon population.

"She's right. Best to leave things in the status quo. Right, Buff?" Xander clapped the bot on the shoulder.

Buffybot reached up and flung Xander over her shoulder. "Bad touch." She yelled as Xander crashed into a wall.

"Serves you right, you pervert." Spike called out from the back of the crowd. He tried to put as much distance between him and the bot as possible and figured taking up the rear position would be a good idea. Now, he wasn't so sure. If the bot was going to be tossing Xander around like a rag doll, he wanted a closer seat.

"Pervert!" Buffybot repeated. Xander slowly stood and wiped his shirt with his hands.

"First off. Ow! Second - you're on our side. We don't have bad touches. Except maybe Spike, if he touches you, feel free to throw him off a bridge."

Spike made a face. "Don't blame me for your lack of appeal with women."

"Hey!" Anya marched up to Spike and smacked him on the arm. "That's my boyfriend you're talking about."

"Knock it off." Willow stopped and turned to face the group. "If you two will remember, we have a very impressionable Buffybot here. If she sees you two arguing like a couple of two year olds, she's going to pick up the habit." Willow turned to the bot. "Xander's right. When we touch or hug or high five, that's okay. We're not attacking you. We're celebrating."

Buffy brightened. "Okay!" she picked up Willow's hand and high fived her. Willow grabbed her hand, her mouth silently mouthing in pain.

"Motherfu-" she stopped mid curse and quickly corrected herself. "funhouse."

Buffy blinked. "Motherfunhouse. You looked like you were in pain, so it's a slang term? A name?" she asked.

Willow nursed her wounded hand. "Yeah," she agreed. She turned and cast warning glares over the rest of the group.

"And introducing non-sequetor slang terms is part of your rehabilitation program?" Giles asked innocently. He decided to take up the rear position with Spike after seeing the annoyed look on Willow's face.

"We have to be careful, we're going to introduce her to Dawn soon, and we don't want to increase her vocabulary. We'll leave that to the high school kids."

They continued on, heading towards the nearest cemetery. Buffybot and Xander in the lead.

"Okay, let's split up. No self respecting vampire is going to attack a gang like us." Willow said as they neared the entrance to the large cemetery.

"Do you really think that's wise?" Giles asked. "We don't know how she's going to act."

"She fought before." Xander told them. "Remember? After Spike got a happy right over there." Xander gestured to a cluster of bushes.

"I seem to remember her tossing you around back then, too." Spike shot back. The two glared at each other until Giles stepped in.

"Right then. Obviously, you two aren't pairing up. Xander, you go with Willow and Tara. Anya, Spike, Buffy.bot." Giles stumbled over the name. "You're with me. We'll meet back here in half and hour."

"Great." Anya muttered. "I get stuck with the Brits."

"At least I'm not with the Bug Eating Man Bitch" Spike called out loudly enough for Xander to hear.

"Anya!" Xander yelled in frustration.

Anya smacked Spike on the arm again. "I told you that in confidence!" she yelled.

"ENOUGH!" Giles yelled. "You three, go. Now before I kill you all." Willow, Tara and Xander hurried off.

"Now," Giles turned and faced his group. "let's go out and kill something." He said with mild glee.

Spike smiled and clapped Giles on the back. "Now you're singing my song, Rupert."

Buffybot led the way, taking the trio deeper into the graveyard. Her head moved unnaturally - like a bird. She turned her head at every sound. Her robotic eyes not designed to move independently from her head. Spike watched her movements from behind, oddly comforted by the very un-Buffy- like behavior. She was nothing like the real Buffy. The real Buffy would be casually strolling along the overgrown path, making herself a target. The bot made it obvious she was looking for a fight. The odd movements made it easier for Spike to forget about the physical resemblance. This was merely a pile of electronics wrapped in a flesh covered body. It was not Buffy. He hoped that Dawn would have the same reaction when she met the bot.

"Well, so far, so good," Giles commented as he watched the Buffybot sprint forward. A breeze had lifted the branches of a large oak tree, the leaves rustling in the wind. A branch stapped and fell to the ground. Buffybot pounced, pulling out her stake and attacking the fallen branch.

Anya, Giles and Spike traded a glance as they watched the bot break the stick into several small pieces. She stood and brushed herself off. Seeing her friends gathered near her, she turned to address them.

"There. You are safe, my friends." She said with a too-bright smile.

"Thank goodness you saved us from that falling twig." Anya deadpanned. "Giles. Make her stop acting like that. I'm afraid if I sneeze, she's going to jump me thinking I've been possessed."

"Yes, right. Buffybot, come here a moment." Giles called out.

Buffybot brushed the loose dirt from her clothing and approached, still wearing that vacant smile. "You're my Watcher." She said, her gaze losing focus for a moment as she accessed the records. "Giles. I should listen to you." Her eyes regained their focus and settled on Giles. She patiently waited for his command.

Giles was somewhat taken aback. The bot was waiting for him to tell her what to do. The real Buffy would have simply told him to go home and he'd get a progress report in the morning. "Oh, dear lord." He said, at a complete and total loss. He had become so accustomed to not being listened to, he forgot what it actually felt like to be in charge. Not good. "Okay, Buffybot, we're looking for vampires and demons, remember?" Giles said in a slightly strangled voice. "That's a stick you just attacked. It wasn't going to harm us."

"Right. Vampires and Demons. Only." She turned to look at Anya and Spike who were standing several feet away.

"Uh, now might be a good time to clarify which vampires and demons are okay to attack." Anya said hesitantly, seeing the Buffybot access her records again.

"What? Oh, yes, right. Buffybot, Anya and Spike are on our side." Giles said quickly.

The bot turned to look at Giles. "But they are a demon and a vampire. They're bad."

Spike smiled, preening a bit. "Told ya," he said to Anya.

"Anya is no longer a demon." Giles explained. Buffybot nodded and turned her attention to Spike. "He's still a vampire. Why don't we kill him?" she asked. It was something the old Buffy would have said. For a moment, Giles flirted with the idea. Why not?

Seeing the expression on Giles' face, Spike spoke up. "Rupert, explain to the nice robot why we don't want to dust Spike?" he said, eyeing the bot nervously.

"He's been neutered, he can't harm people. Just demons. He helps us out and we let him take things from the store without paying. Like bartering." Anya explained.

"Neutered.without sex organs." Buffy accessed her memory banks. "Like a puppy."

Spike scowled. "Hey! I still got the equipment as you bloody well know. It's the vampire equipment that's been shut down. Bloody hell, Giles!" Spike turned on the watcher who was trying desperately not to laugh.

"But other vampires are okay to attack? Like those two over there?" Buffybot pointed behind Anya and Spike. A foul smelling body launched itself against Spike, taking the vampire down and sending the two rolling into the trunk of the oak tree.

"Look out! Behind you!" Anya yelled as she hid behind Giles.

"Thanks much," Spike grunted, wrestling with the fresh from the grave vamp.

Buffybot turned and kicked the second vampire away from Giles and Anya. The vampire landed six feet away. He quickly scrambled to his feet and turned to face the slayer.

"Slayer," he growled, running at her full speed. Buffybot turned to Giles. "This one is okay to kill?" she asked.

"Yes!" Giles and Anya yelled together. Buffybot held out a stake and allowed the vampire to run straight into it. He exploded into a pile of dust, showering the three. Buffy turned and smiled at Giles.

"Uhm, you might want to help Spike out." Anya pointed to where Spike was now engaged in hand-to-hand combat with the other vampire.

"I dropped my stake!" Spike yelled between blows. He delivered a spinning crescent kick to his attacker's head, sending him spinning off.

Buffybot's face dropped in dismay. "He's attacking Spike!" she yelled, a subroutine in her programming kicking in. "Keep your hands off his perfect body!" she cried out as she threw herself on top of the vampire as he tried to climb to his feet. She raised the stake above her head and plunged it into his back, piercing the heart.

"Motherfunhouse." She hissed as the vampire imploded.

"Indeed," Spike said under his breath as he rejoined Giles and Anya. He was going to have a private talk with Willow about her reprogramming. She obviously missed something.

"Well, that went just splendidly. Let's catch up with the others." Giles said. He turned to the Buffybot. "Very good. That's exactly what we need the slayer to do when she's patrolling."

Buffybot smiled. "Thank you, Giles." She said sweetly as she fell into step beside Spike.

They caught up with Willow, Tara and Xander twenty minutes later. Buffybot spied them first.

"Hey! It's the bug-eating man bitch! Hi guys!" she called out brightly as they approached.

Xander shot Spike a dark look. "Thanks for teaching her that one."

"Hey, your bloody girlfriend told the bot I've been neutered. She thinks I'm a bloody puppy." Spike scowled as he joined the group.

Xander put his arm around Anya. "You did that for me?" he asked, squeezing her close. "That's so sweet." Anya grinned at her secret fiancé.

"How did patrolling go?" Willow asked Giles.

"Rather well, all things considered. She tried to save us from a fallen twig, but then we were attacked by two vampires. She took care of them. I'd say our first field test was a success." Giles removed his glasses and absently began to clean them. "But we need to work with her on her, uh, social skills."

"Yeah, I keep expecting to hear one of her snarky comments that brings out her inner bi-" Spike stopped, remembering Willow's warning. "Bingo." He finished lamely.

The group began to head back to the Magic Box. "Inner bingo?" Tara asked Willow as they began their walk.

"Is it any worse than motherfunhouse?" Willow asked.

***

Present Day



Buffy was laughing as Spike finished the story. "Motherfunhouse?" she giggled.

"Yeah," Spike laughed. "It took nearly a month for the bot to stop calling Xander a bug eating man bitch."

Buffy leaned back on her elbows, enjoying Spike's commentary. So that was what their first patrol had been. A comedy of errors.

"That whole experience was enlightening for me. After spending time with the bot, I knew I'd never look at her and think about you. The decoration was the same, but underneath, it wasn't you." Spike sat up and rested his elbows on his knees. "I knew I could handle the bot, but Dawn. I wasn't so sure about that, so I talked to Willow."

***

June, 2001



"Willow," Spike called out. "Wait up a bit."

Willow and Tara exchanged a quick glance. Tara squeezed Willow's hand once and continued on with the group, leaving Spike and Willow behind.

"What's up?" Willow asked as Spike approached.

Spike shifted uncomfortably, waiting for the others to get out of earshot. "Those personality programs - did you delete all of them?" he asked.

"I think I got them all, unless there were some underlying protocols batched into a subroutine that I didn't catch." She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Why?"

Spike backed off. "Hey, it's not what you're thinking. It's just, well, she slips sometimes. She yelled at a vamp to stay away from my perfect body, and she called me Spikey. I, well... It's bloody uncomfortable. We both know what she was originally intended for, and I want it to stop. Completely."

Willow's expression softened. "I know. She's only been online for a few days, Spike. It's going to take time to work out all the bugs."

"But what about Dawn? If the bot has a few remaining programs that make her say inappropriate things to me, what about her? She might start trying to behave like an older sister." Spike implored. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

"Well, that's sort of the point. She's supposed to act like Dawn's big sister." Willow reminded him.

"In public. But what about at home? Is she just going to be shut off in the closet until we need her for a bloody PTA open house?" Spike asked. "Because I can tell you for a fact right now, Dawn will never allow that to happen. She's going to look at the bot as a replacement for Buffy, and when the bloody bot doesn't act like the Buffy she knows and loves, it's going to be worse. You know that." He turned his watery gaze on Willow.

"Not if we're all there to work with her." Willow laid a hand on Spike's arm. "Look, this isn't going to be easy for any of us, but I think we can all tell the difference between Buffy and the Buffybot. They're nothing alike. Dawn will see that, too, if we handle this the right way. We have no choice, if we want to keep her here."

Spike took another drag of his cigarette and tossed it away. "I know. I just want to protect her, you know. Help her move on. Keep her safe." He finished lamely. "Sodding chip. Gave me a bloody conscience."

"I think it's nice." Willow gestured and they began to walk back to the shop, the others well out of sight by now. "I remember when you first got it and tried to bite me. I was going through a really bad time, breaking up with Oz, but you made me feel better."

Spike remembered that night, breaking into Willow and Buffy's dorm room. "Well, I hate to break it to you, pet, but that wasn't my intention."

"Oh, I know, but still, I mean - that was a real conversation we had, and well, my point is, I think that chip is a good thing. Before you were all grr all the time. Now, you have people you care about and you're grr for a reason. A reason that's bigger than you." Willow paused and watched the vampire's reaction. "Does that make any sense to you?"

Spike smiled and laid an arm over the small witch's shoulder. "Yeah, pet. It does. You know, after I was turned, I spent my whole life trying to be the Big Bad. Now, that's been taken away from me, but I'm part of something new now. At first, I was absolutely furious, but it's made me open my eyes to the fact that the world does not revolve around me. I have friends now. Real friends." He squeezed her shoulder once and then let his arm drop. "And I think I'm ready to admit that it feels pretty good."

"You have family." Willow said simply.

***

Present Day



"So that's why Willow keeps blood in the house for you." Buffy said thoughtfully. "I always thought she did it so she would have something to bribe you with."

Spike smiled faintly, but said nothing. This was the first time he had ever spoken about the summer to anyone.

"I think it's fair to say we all did some growing up over the summer." He said mildly. "But, looking back, I think Willow opened up to me to make sure I'd stick around."

Buffy's fine brows creased. "What do you mean?"

"She had a plan to bring you back, and didn't want me involved. She kept me focused on Dawn, which I would have done anyway. She knew there was a chance that the spell would get bollixed up."

"And I'd come back wrong," Buffy finished quietly.

"And she knew I would never let you go again, so she shut me out." He turned to look at her. "She was right." He said softly.

Buffy stared into his face, his expression cracking something deep within her. "So," she said, wanting to change the subject. "How did Dawn handle the meeting?"

Spike sat back and closed his eyes. "Like a trooper." He smiled. He was proud of his little bit. That first meeting could have been awkward and volatile. "She made us all proud."

To be continued! Thanks for the positive feedback, everyone!