Spoilers for manga volume 16.

Brooding


I wish Suupuu hadn't seen me like this. It's embarrassing. I went off alone because I wanted to be alone, not on display, you know? At least he was nice enough to leave after a while. I'm kinda surprised he didn't tell everyone in Seiki about it, though. "Hey, everybody, come see Gyoshujin! He's bawling his eyes out like a kid! Who would have thought?" Right, who would have thought I'd set out just to get the human world back into order, but end up smashing Konron and Kingou to bits?
I can't stop running it over and over through my mind again, trying to figure out where things started to go out of control, where it got to the point that it wasn't about winning, just about not losing quite as badly. I still can't figure out what I could have done differently to keep Konron from being destroyed, to save the Juunisen, to protect everyone... hell, at this point, just sparing a few more random youkai might have been nice, as long as they didn't try to eat us.
I wish Fugen were here. I wish he were here so I could kick his ass across the landscape. He knew I wouldn't be able to take losing him. No, worse, he knew I could take it. That's the part that makes me the maddest, that one of these days I'll have reached the point where I've moved on. I can't just sit here and wail and gnash my teeth and moan about what went wrong. Not only have I lost Fugen, but someday I'll even lose the pain from losing him. I hate myself for knowing I'll feel better someday. I want to stop being a doushi and turn into a senile old man who mutters like he's talking to old dead friends. I feel like I'm ancient. Geez, when did I get so old?
If Fugen were here... if Fugen were here, maybe he'd scold me for that comment, or remind me about doushi and aging like I didn't already know. Or maybe he'd just make a quiet joke about noticing a white hair on me. That's what I liked best about him, he could surprise me even after knowing him for so many years. I always wanted to rip that dumb halo off of his head and fling it as far as I could, but I knew he'd be upset with me. He liked the quiet angel persona... it was easy, I guess. But he was more than that, so much more than that. I guess on some level I was happy that he didn't really show himself to most people, though. It meant that his real self was something just for me. It was like a secret he kept locked up most of the time. He always liked mysteries, and being contradictory. Sorta like being one of the strongest Juunisen, but always looking so pale and fragile. You'd think that you could just snap him in half if you tried, but it's not so easy. He was stronger than he let on through his angel mask. He was....
See, now I'm still brooding. He'd fuss at me for that too. Or comfort me. Or something. I wish he was here so I could kick his ass and hug him.
But he's not here... he's not here, and he's not coming back, and I am here, and I have to deal with it. For some unknown reason they're still counting on me, even after everything went so wrong. So I have to keep on going, and finish this. It's not even close to over yet, is it?
I think I need a break.

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Notes:
This is my first Houshin Engi fic. Therefore, I have 2 very important requests:
1. Please, please, please review and tell me if it was any good so I'll know whether or not to write more. ^_^
2. Please don't be too hard on me. I'm trying. ;_;

I feel a little guilty for using this as my first Houshin Engi fic.... it's like writing a Fushigi Yuugi ep. 33 fic or something. Still, I don't think it came out too badly... I promise my other fics will be more original in ideas! Thanks so much for reading!

-- Mearl Dox
http://www.planetcolu.com/