J.R. Giroux
3/7/99
KlingonNever wash your clothes or you won't smell like a warrior; never wash an enemy's clothes because they don't deserve to smell good anyway; endure the heat of Earth's puny sun; eat your food raw, it tastes better; cleanse your wounds with good alcohol; when buying weapons don't take anything that doesn't have secret compartments for knives and phasers; rub salt into your enemy's wounds; is it true that you cried in sword fighting class?; always eat your food in such a way that it turns someone else's stomach; in a war try to march with purpose and not like the wretched human you're so bent on becoming; don't cry in sword fighting class; you mustn't pay attention to Cardassians unless they try to dishonor you-then you may slit their throats; but I wasn't crying in sword fighting class and never at all during hand to hand combat; this is how to sew; this is how to sew up a gaping chest wound so you may continue to fight; this is how to sew up wounds, ignore the pain, and slay more enemies so to prevent you from turning into the weakling human you are so bent on becoming; this is how to oil your armor so it won't rust; this is how you find food in the field for when your battle rations run out; when catching game, make sure you take it down with your bare hands and howl to honor its spirit; this is how you stand at attention; this is how you stand at attention while on patrol; this is how you growl at someone you don't like too much; this is how you growl at someone you don't like at all; this is how you growl at someone you'd like to fight with; this is how you use your battle knife to eat; this is how you snarl to keep them from taking your kill; this is how to behave in the presence of people you wouldn't trust further then you could throw them and this is the way they won't recognize the human I have warned you against becoming; be sure to spit often, every day if you can; don't play games-you are not a human you know; don't pick flowers your commanding officer might think you are insane; don't throw stones without aiming first; this is how to make emergency rations last twice as long; this is how you treat illness; this is how you treat illness without your enemies finding out you're sick; this is how to slay an enemy and this is how to honor his spirit so you can claim glory; this is how to bully your subordinates; this is how your commanding officer bullies you; this is how to kill him and take his job; don't feel bad if that doesn't work, just try to kill HIS commanding officer, getting him a promotion will keep him from trying to kill you; this is how to spit up into the air and make it land in someone else's eye; this is how to win your battles; always kill your company's lieutenant if he annoys you; but what if the lieutenant won't let me kill him?; you mean to say that after all you really are going to be a weakling human who can't kill his lieutenant?
