Alright, this all started when my friend asked, "Was Pandora a Greek person?" So I told her the Legend of Pandora. This is dedicated to you Assilem!

It all starts with a titan named Prometheus. He really likes man. But not in that way! What I mean is, he really likes mankind! Women weren't invented yet. So, anywho, he thinks that guys are just the neatest things on earth! But Pro notices that men are lacking something, FIRE. They eat their meat raw and pile on the blankets at night because there's no roaring fire to keep them warm. Pro decides to do something about this. He takes fire from Mount Olympus, home of the gods, and introduces it to man. Man is thrilled. Zeus is not. Zeus, in case you didn't know is ItheI god, king of all gods and goddesses and pretty much the father of them all. He rules over everything, and he didn't give Pro the permission to take fire to mortals! He's outraged! It's too late to take the fire back, everyone knows how to posses it now. He decides to punish Pro for his insolence anyway. Poor Prometheus is chained to a rock for all eternity. Every morning a very large, very hungry eagle comes to rip out Pro's liver and eat it in front of him. And every night, his liver grows back so the bird keeps coming back for more.

"Now," Zeus says. "He's taken care of. How am I going to punish man?" What Zeus does is send the most horrible, annoying, agonizing creature he can think of. Woman. He gets all his fellow gods and goddesses to come over to his palace in the sky. He tells them his plan and they get to work on creating a female counterpart to humankind. Athena gives her wisdom, so she'll think she's smarter than everyone else. Apollo gives her the gift of song and music so she can annoy everyone with her singing and lute playing. Her most dangerous attribute is given by Aphrodite, goddess of love. She makes sure that woman is beautiful and bewitching. When all the god's are finished contributing to this creature, their product is Pandora. Her name means "All-gift." She is smart, conniving, beautiful, deceiving and she sounds good. Man will love her, but will pay dearly for their lust. They will be at her mercy. Pandora loves this! She is carried to earth by Hermes, the messenger of the gods.

First man to meet Pandora: Epimetheus, brother of Prometheus. Don't ask me why Epi is a mortal and Pro is a titan, I have no idea! Anyway, Epi is completely intrigued by Pandora, she's rather fond of him as well, and he gladly excepts her into his house.

Now, at this part of the story, it can branch off in many directions. One story tells of a mysterious chest that is in Epimetheus's care. He was told never to open it no matter what. Epi's a good guy, he doesn't open the wooden chest. But then Pandora comes along. She's also very curious.

"What's in the box, Honeylamb?"

"I don't know, it's not my box. But never, never open it!"

"Why not?"

"No clue! Promise me you'll never open it, ok sugersweets?"

"Sure, no problem."

But this box calls to Pandora. 'Open me please?' it seems to say.

'ummmmmmmm, no?'

'But you'll never know what's inside me! I think you should open me.'

"OK!" so she opens it! And out comes all sorts of terrible things: hate, jealousy, nails screeching on chalkboards, envy, greed, nasty smells, nightmares, generic kleenex, cold toilet seats, war etc. etc. She's so shocked that she can't close the box, and more and more horrible things like the plague and little sisters come out of the box. When she finally regains her senses, she slams the lid back down. One thing is left in the box. That one thing is hope. So, no matter what happens, humankind will always have hope. And, apparently, thanks to Pandora, I have an essay to write that's due tomorrow!

Thank-you, thank-you! Expect more of Goosehead's Modernized Myths coming soon!