CHAPTER 5 - Please Remember.

"You don't understand." Cordelia suggested, rising up to her feet and turning her back on Emily.

She felt her heart tremble as she inhaled deeply. She had tried to push these thoughts out of her head for a while now. She had to. She appeared to be highly unsuccessful at it though. But she was trying.

God knows she was trying.

"You didn't tell them. They don't know that their answer is right in front of them, do they?" Emily supposed, staring at the back of her cousin.

"Who's [I]them[/I]?" Cordelia lied with a fake sigh.

She knew exactly who Emily was referring to by [I]them[/I]. Emily stayed silent, knowing perfectly well that Cordy wasn't [b]that[/b] dumb. She pretended to be in this particular instance, but Emily knew better.

Something moved on the table in front of them. A picture.

A picture of Angel, Cordy, Fred, Gunn and Wesley was slowly turned around, so it could face Cordelia, by an invisible hand that both girls guessed belonged to Dennis.

Cordelia looked at the picture Dennis had purposely pointed out to her and felt her heart break into millions of tiny little pieces.

"So, Dennis is siding with you now." she said before looking upwards and sighing. "Thanks Dennis." She mumbled.

--

Fred sat, alone, on the floor of the Hyperion. For some reason, she didn't feel all that tired. The nap she'd taken a couple of hours before had helped. Now, the guys were beat and she was still sitting there, going through some books, all by her lonesome. She heard Angel come in but didn't say a word. The thoughtful - dare she say broody? - expression on his face held her back from saying anything that might make him uncomfortable. She watched him climb up the stairs slowly and then peeked back into her book.

She flipped a couple of pages, nonchalantly, and then her eyes widened. A gasp escaped her throat.

She wasn't sure what she was looking at, but she sure knew it didn't look good for them.

"Oh my God." she whispered as she looked at a picture of fifty Crossroad demons surrounding one of theirs, like a wall.

The picture showed an injured demon, lying on the ground, while the others stood around, watching him.

Something about that picture gave Fred the chills.

--

Cordelia was still standing up in the middle of the living room when Emily rose from the couch, leaning on the back of a chair, trying to keep her balance.

"I know you're scared to lose the visions Cordy."

"I'm not scared!" Cordy exclaimed with exasperation at her young cousin's perfectly right yet annoying comments. "I'm not scared to give up the visions. I'm just." she paused for a moment as the realisation dawned upon her. "I just don't [I]want[/I] to give them up." She honestly confessed.

"And you're scared." Emily pointedly insisted.

"I am not! I'm not scared!" Cordelia declared in a louder voice. "I like the visions." She stated, firmly. "Yeah, they're mind-boggling, and they hurt, and I curse them on a daily basis and they're a pain in the ass, but you know what? I like them that way. I actually do! And I don't want to give them up and go back to being poor, useless, little Cordy who can't help - 'cause let's face it, I can't fight much except for the sword thing, I'm not a Barbie Slayer, or a witch, or a geeky computer whiz. On further observation, I'm not much without the visions. I don't want to go back to being on the sidelines; to being useless. To being nothing." She said, shaking her head as previously hidden emotions began to rise from within her voice. "How useful is a snippy, ex-cheerleader, huh?"

"What?!" Emily literally exclaimed at the top of her lungs. "Do you actually believe half of the junk that just came out of your mouth???" she said in pure disbelief. "God, you just reminded me in less than 30 seconds just how badly this family needs a boost in the self-esteem department. Do you actually think that? You think without the visions you're just a bitchy, useless [I]nothing[/I]?"

Cordelia feigned a thoughtful pause filled with sarcasm.

"Well, let's see.why don't we run a poll among my previous friends? Better yet, why don't we ask my parents? Heck, if there was an anti-Cordy fan club out there, they'd probably be president!" she nearly spitted out, the anger of everything that was happening mounting inside of her.

Emily raised an eyebrow, as well as her voice.

"God - do you hear yourself?! So your pretend friends didn't know a thing about you - who [b]you[/b] are! And your parents are screw-up, freakin' dumbasses who can't even see what's right in front of them!" Emily spitted out, frowning. "Well, screw them! Screw all of them!" she added in an anger-filled tone that took Cordelia a bit by surprise. "I mean, look at yourself! Is that what you really see? Do you really see yourself the way that they see you? Because, you know, I remember the girl who [I]pretended[/I] to be pissed that she had to read me bedtime stories and then started to smile once the parents were out of sight." She pointed out as Cordelia listened to her fast-paced speech. "And if your parents can't see the good that you do and the person you've become, well, it's their stupid loss. If they can't be proud of you then they don't deserve you worrying about them." She finished, shaking her head emphasizing her words.

"Are you breathing?" Cordelia asked, a little speechless for one of the very few times in her life.

Not that she'd ever admit it publicly.

"I knew I was forgetting something." Emily took a deep breath.

An intense - though, much-needed - silence befell them. The two cousins looked at one another; now back to their much calmer selves.

"The visions don't make you who you are Cordy.the Powers don't make you." She paused, knowing Cordelia understood her point. "You have a shot at a normal life again."

"What if I don't want to go back to being just plain normal?" Cordy whispered to herself softly, but Emily heard.

"It's not so much the [I]normal[/I] part that has me worried, but more the [I]life[/I] part that I'm really concerned about." Emily confessed.

There was a long silence and Emily felt a little dizzy. She sat back down, on the floor this time.

"Why didn't you tell them the truth?" she whispered as Cordelia sat back down on the floor beside her.

"Because I can't. If they knew, they'd want to help. They can't."

"When you say 'they', you really mean Angel, don't you?" Emily quietly asked, trying to sound as though she wasn't prying.

"You don't know him like I do." Cordy replied in the same calmness. "If he knew about the prophecy, I know that he'd do anything to save me regardless of the consequences and I can't risk that."

"Because of the soul thing."

"How would sacrificing his redemption be saving me? I know that if I told him, he'd end up not caring about the soul. I can't." Cordy said and then switching to a more Queen C voice. "And I'm not being a selfless martyr here. I'm also frightened of Angelus, so it's as much for me as it is for him, trust me."

"Well, Angel's not the only guy with demon blood on this planet." Emily thought of pointing out to her cousin.

"Okay. Stop it. Image of me com-shucking with a demon has officially creeped me out. Thank you." Cordelia grimaced.

They both paused shortly, and then looked back at one another.

"What if he didn't lose his soul?"

"Hello?? Curse. Not exactly a way around it." Cordelia replied, shaking her head.

"Well, he didn't lose it with that Darla chick."

"Gee, the comparison warms my heart." Cordy said with a truckload of sarcasm and some disgust thrown in the mix.

"That's not what I meant." Emily began but stopped herself, deciding not to take this further than it had to at the moment.

"I know, but I can't. The awkwardness, the risks." Cordy whispered, slightly shaking her head.

"Cordy, whatever you do, just follow your instincts okay.Everything's going to be fine. Trust me." Emily smiled tenderly.

"How do you know so much, Em?" Cordelia asked in amazement at the amount of knowledge Emily had of her life.

"Told you. I got friends in high places. Powers and I are on a first name basis now."

Both girls smiled.

"Why is it that you seem more concerned with my life than your own?" Cordelia than asked with a glimpse of sadness in her voice.

Emily took her time to answer, pondering her words as she stared at Cordelia's tired face.

"You're the exception to the rule, I guess." She shrugged. "You give this crazy family a good name." She whispered in all honesty.

Cordy wrapped one of her arms around Emily's shoulders as the two of them sat on the living room floor in silence.

For a long time.

--

The days went by at a pace Cordelia would have wanted to slow down a bit. Every morning bore a fear in her mind, a growing weakness in her body, and a deep confusion in her heart.

Cordelia and Emily's conversation had never been brought up again. The words were left, lingering in Cordelia's head, but Emily never really brushed the subject again.

She knew the impact of the words had left permanent traces.

They didn't need to be repeated.

Watching Emily's health falter and deteriorate as the days went by proved to be a lot harder than any of us had expected.

For some reason, the young 17-year-old left a deep impact on the demon- fighting gang. Watching her somehow changed their perspectives on a lot of subjects. In her own simplistic, subtle way she brought life with her. Whether it was she or the Powers, something seemed to accompany her wherever she went. In her smile.

In her words.

In her way of just [I]knowing[/I].

Her presence opened doors that all of them had kept closed. Locked. Out of necessity. Out of fear.

She seemed to bring a light to Cordelia that had seemed faded before her arrival. Something, which never ceased to make them - especially Angel - smile.

Fred's discovery of the Crossroad Demons' tendencies whenever one of their own died didn't seem to worry nor surprise Emily - though it did the rest of them. The book mentioned how protective these demons were of their fellow warriors-of-the-good, and how they always gathered around a dying fighter. Emily had claimed that they had nothing to worry about.

At this point, they just all wanted to believe her.

As the days went by, her health began to deteriorate, and much to Angel's chagrin, so did Cordelia's. Each vision seemed to steal a little piece of her away. Even though Cordy never brought it up, he could see it.

Despite the impending heartbreak that awaited them, as they got closer to Emily, the young girl never lost her smile. It didn't fade. Not once.

Not when she explained to Fred what the symbol on her sporty necklace meant.

"It's Chinese. It means trust. I never take it off." Emily had told Fred one day, before proceeding in telling her the fascinating tale of how she had become its owner.

The smile never faltered.

Not when she discovered - and shared - Angel's passion for old movies.

Not when she witnessed Gunn singing along the radio - and when she decided to join in.

Cordelia had never seen a smile so filled with amusement on Angel's face than at that moment. Watching Gunn and Emily sing their hearts out. Angel had smiled the brightest smile ever. Cordelia would never forget that smile.

Even when Cordelia looked worried, Emily never ceased to smile along.

The smile never disappeared.

Not when she hurt. Not when she suffered. Not when she neared the end.

The smile never left her face.

It was brave, hopeful, real. Contagious even.

Until that day.

A day where everything changed.

--

Cordy sat on the floor in the basement of the hotel, leaning her back against the wall while Angel trained. In the last couple of months, she had joined him on occasion, but these days her health would not allow it. Nor would Angel.

She would talk to him while he listened, busy with whatever training he was doing. That didn't bother her much anymore. She had gotten used to one- sided conversations with Angel. But talking to him was reassuring. So she just did.

Angel approached her, all sweaty and serious, and sat down on the floor beside her. They both stayed silent for a while as he just sat there, staring in front of himself, just like she did, and waited.

"How are you feeling?" he finally asked, almost reluctantly.

"Angel, don't." she said, crunching her nose and shaking her head.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, but I want you to know that we're going to figure this thing out. They're not going to take your life. I promise you that." He said, placing a hand on her shoulder, comfortingly.

Cordelia unintentionally held her breath for a second. She lowered her eyes, feeling his hand on her shoulder.

A guilty feeling crept up inside of her.

Angel felt her shiver under his fingers and he saw the expression on her face change. He wasn't sure what it was but she suddenly seemed sad as she bowed down her head momentarily.

"What?" he asked, sensing something wasn't right.

"Did you feel that?" she said, eying her shoulder.

"The shiver?" he asked with a frown.

Cordelia nodded gently.

"It's stupid. I mean, how many times does a person shiver every day?" she asked, her eyes already filled with invisible tears - ones she refused to let flow. "Now, I can't shiver without thinking about Emily. I keep thinking about this ancient myth that said every time a person shivers it means some sort of spirit went through them.I keep thinking about how suffering a simple thing like that has become for her." she said, not making sure her words made sense at the moment.

"Yeah." Angel whispered, leaning his head back on the wall as he stared into the dusty room.

"I feel a stupid shiver and for her it's like an earthquake." Cordy whispered, joining him in his silent stare.

"She's strong." Angel said after a long silence. "Like you." He added, catching a glimpse of her thoughtful profile.

--

Fred, Gunn and Wesley all began panicking as they noticed the gooey beasts starting to surround the hotel and pound on the walls and doors.

Emily, who had been lying down on the couch, got up and painfully made her way to the door that led to the basement. Wesley protested, not wanting her to tire herself, but she didn't listen.

Her heart began beating so fast she could barely feel it anymore. She had trouble breathing, and even more so standing up. She grabbed the walls as if they were her lifeline.

She could feel it.

Gunn, Wesley and Fred watched her and realized what was going on when they heard her talking to herself.

Ghost.

They rushed towards the door but Emily had already gone down the stairs.

Cordelia and Angel both jumped to their feet when they saw a tearful Emily stumble into the room and fall on her knees helplessly.

"Emily!" Cordelia exclaimed as she threw herself down on the floor with her cousin.

Angel's eyes looked up and through the small windows, he noticed the demons surrounding them.

"Cordy." Emily whispered in a desperately pleading voice.

Cordelia helped the young teenager up to her feet but she could barely walk. Emily leaned on Cordy's shoulder, grabbing Cordelia's t-shirt with her hands.

"What's happening?" Cordelia asked, seeing Gunn, Wesley and Fred rush into the basement and locking the door.

"Errm..should we fight them?" Fred asked as she looked at the demons through the window.

"No!" Emily said in a voice that simply could not reach the loudness she had hoped for due to her weakness.

"Emily." Cordelia whispered as her eyes locked with her cousin's.

Emily's eyes filled with both, tears and courage. Cordy felt her heart break as she glanced between the demons and Emily's face. Emily was breathing heavily now and when the girl let go of her to face an invisible creature, they all knew what was happening.

"No!!" Angel shouted as he felt the ghostly force throw itself on Emily.

As soon as the shout had escaped his throat, Emily fell backwards, grabbing Cordelia's t-shirt and holding on for her life. An agonizing cry escaped her as both women fell down to the floor. Emily's body began shaking and Angel could hear her faltering heart begin to quicken.

"C.Cor." Emily tried to breathe out but she barely could.

"No." Cordelia said, cradling her cousin's head on her lap. "No.no..Don't you dare die on me." Cordelia whispered through her teeth as she caught the fearful look in Emily's eyes. "Don't you dare die on me or I'll kick your ass.I will." Cordy added as her eyes filled with tears.

"Don't.don't be af.afraid." Emily managed to say as her grip tightened around Cordelia's hand.

She grabbed Cordelia's other hand with hers and placed something inside of it, then closed it and as she began to run out of air, she let one small tear roll down her face.

Her eyes never left Cordelia's..until they closed and her body stopped shaking.

"Emily.Em." Cordy let out as tears now rolled freely down her face.

Gunn, Wesley, Fred and Angel stood around them, at a fair distance, speechless and immobile.

Angel closed his eyes in pain as he heard the last beat of Emily's heart. It rang in his ears like a drum..and then nothing. Nothing. Silence, except for Cordelia's tears.

Cordelia grabbed her cousin's motionless body and brought it closer to her, refusing to let it go. She closed her eyes as a bright flash of light suddenly shot out of Emily's body, blinding them for a moment.

When they opened their eyes, the room bathed in a bright yellow light.

"I'm okay." A voice was heard from behind Cordelia.

Angel turned around almost at the same time Cordy did, only to see Emily, surrounded by a bright yellow light, standing there in front of them.

"Oh my God." Fred couldn't help but whisper at the sight of the young girl's spirit.

"I'm okay." She repeated as she stared at Cordelia, who was still holding Emily's body in her arms.

The look on Cordy's face was pure confusion, shock, sadness.a mix of everything humanly possible spread across her face.

"Cordy." Emily spoke in a peaceful voice. "Don't be afraid." She said.

"H-How." Cordy managed to let out.

"I've got my ways." Emily smiled. "Everything's going to be alright.trust me." She then said in a calm, heavenly tone. "Just trust me. Don't be afraid to save yourself. Everything's going to be alright. I've got it covered. Just trust me." she said as she took a small step back.

Cordelia nearly jumped to stop her but she didn't.

"Just trust me." Emily's voice faded as the image of the young girl began to disappear. "Everything will be alright." they heard as the room became dark once again.

They all stayed there, in shock and Wesley raised his eyes to the windows. Strange painful cries were heard from outside as he saw the Demons begin to leave.

Angel, for his part, never left Cordelia out of his sight. His eyes were riveted on the young woman, cradling her cousin's body in her arms.

There, in the middle of the room, Cordelia wrapped her arms around Emily's lifeless body and closed her eyes, tightening her grip around the small necklace Emily had placed into her hand earlier.

--

Understand the things I say

Don't turn away from me

'Cause I've spent half my life out there

You wouldn't disagree

The sun was shining brightly as the entire Chase family stood in the middle of the Sunnydale cemetery, as they lowered down Emily's coffin. A tear fell from Cordelia's eyes as she watched the remaining of her cousin disappear into the opened earth.

Gunn, Wesley and Fred stood beside her, eyes lowered, dressed in black, and silent as the sun was slowly beginning to go down.

In the remaining sunlight, something sparkled from Cordy's neck.

A necklace.

Emily's 'trust' necklace.

Do you see me? Do you see?

Do you like me? Do you like me standing there?

A small tear fell from Cordy's eye as she locked eyes with her mother, who was standing at a reasonable distance from her.

Do you notice? Do you know?

Do you see me? Do you see me?

Does anyone care?

The priest was talking but she couldn't hear. People were crying but she couldn't notice. Her tired, mourning eyes were staring at her parents, who had not said a word to her since her arrival. They looked away as Cordelia lowered her eyes, resigned.

Unhappiness where's when I was young

And we didn't give a damn

People began to walk away, but she didn't move. Her eyes were staring out into the sunset, absent, distracted. She felt a hand land on her shoulder, carefully. She turned slightly enough to see Willow standing behind her, trying to awkwardly say something comforting. She turned her eyes back to the sunset, not bothering to say a word.

'Cause we were raised

To see life as fun and take it if we can

One by one, Willow, Xander, even Giles, came up to her and said a few words that she didn't really hear. She wasn't really listening.

Buffy stood beside her in silence and looked at Cordelia's tearful, pale face. Unlike the others, words failed her.

The two of them stayed there for a while, staring at the coffin being lowered still, not speaking one word to one another.

After a while, she placed her hand on Cordy's arm, awkwardly, and then walked away.

My mother, my mother she'd hold me

Did she hold me ,when I was out there

My father, my father, he liked me

Oh he liked me, does anyone care?

He saw her, standing there all by herself, as he stayed in the shadows. They were all leaving her.

Alone.

He saw Mr. And Mrs. Chase approach her from behind.

Cordelia's eyes locked with her parents and they just all stared at one another.

Understand what I've become

It wasn't my design

And people everywhere think

Something better than I am

From a distance, he didn't hear what they told her. He just watched, unable to step outside of the shadows. Cordelia just stared at them, a tear rolling down her face as he saw Mrs. Chase's mouth move to say something.

Angel leaned against a tree and saw the accusing look on Cordelia's father's face right before the two walked away from her.

But I miss you, I miss

'Cause I liked it. I liked it

When I was out there

Do you know this ? D'you know

You did not find me, you did not find

Does anyone care?

They all left. Even Gunn, Fred and Wesley.

They all left, but she didn't.

She stayed.

Never moving. Just staring in front of her, above the hole in the earth that would hold Emily's body from now on. She just looked up at the sun and waited.

She was just waiting, all by herself in the cemetery now.

Angel reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope that had his name written on the back of it. It had already been opened, and read. He had definitely read it, and if he'd had a heart, it would have stopped beating when he read the words.

Unhappiness was when I was young,

And we didn't give a damn

'Cause we were raised

To see life as fun, and take it if we can

To see life as fun and take it if we can



Even from afar, he saw the pain on Cordelia's face. She could hide it all she wanted from the others, but he saw it.

And he waited, too.

My mother, my mother she hold me

Did she hold me, when I was out there

My father, my father, he liked me

Oh he liked me, does anyone care?



The sun had now gone down, and for some odd reason, Cordy had not moved an inch. She was still just standing there, with her hair pulled up with a simply clip, a few strands of hair falling on the side of her face.

Does anyone care?

She felt him walk up to her in the newfound darkness.

She closed her eyes when she felt him stand right behind her.

"Why are you still here?" he whispered in a low voice.

"I knew you'd come." Cordy said, opening her eyes again.

Angel stepped even closer to her, and now he could feel the mourning sound of her heartbeat. It was calm, rhythmic.

He felt a lump gravitate in his throat as he looked at her profile, his shoulder brushing hers. His face conveyed a mix of emotion that included compassion, pain, fear.sadness even.

He knew his voice would not be able to comfort her.

He wasn't sure if his mere presence would either, but she seemed at ease with him standing beside her.

Angel lowered his eyes and took an unnecessary breath.

"Why didn't you tell me.?" he then whispered as his eyes bore into the ground.

Cordelia closed her eyes as a tear rolled down her cheek.

She knew what he was talking about.

She could feel it.

She sighed through her tears and glanced at him from the corner of her eyes. At the lost look he saw on her face, he didn't need an answer. He saw the hesitation, the fear. He saw everything.

She finally turned to face him and his un-beating heart broke when he met her sad eyes.

As if everything had been said in this long silence, Angel just wrapped his arms around her and held onto her. Cordelia automatically wrapped her arms around his neck and just held him back, as they both stayed there, in the middle of the dark cemetery.

From a distance, standing near the trees, Buffy watched them, before lowering her eyes and walking away.



Song Credits: "Ode To My Family" by The Cranberries.