CHAPTER 6 - Secret Understanding

None of them seemed to really know what to say at the time. They just looked at each other, questions dangling off their tongues, but all they seemed able to do at the time was stay silent.

It was killing Fred.

It had been two hours now, and already half an hour since she, Wesley and Gunn had decided to retrieve themselves from the conversation. Their presence wasn't crucial, and quite frankly, it made them a tiny bit uncomfortable.

Fred, Wesley and Gunn stood around the couch, quietly glancing at the stairs once in a while, in unbearable silence.

"Why didn't she say anything before??" Fred finally let out, unable to keep going like this for another minute.

Both Gunn and Wesley kept their eyes lowered for a moment.

"You know Angel." Wesley stated in a calm tone. "That's why." He then added as his voice sounded almost sad.

"Because he can save her." Fred pondered out loud.

"Yes." Wesley thoughtfully replied. "Because he can. Because he'll do anything to." He added, staring at the staircase, pensively. "Cordelia had her reasons for not saying anything, and though sadly so, they were good ones. And Angel is the primary one as well." He regretfully spoke, putting his glasses back on.

The short silence that followed appeared to give them some time to process Wesley's words. Gunn looked up, arms crossed against his chest and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, at least he explained that whole curse stuff again.with more specifics this time around." Gunn said, looking back and forth between Fred and Wesley. "I didn't know it wasn't the sex. Did you know it wasn't the sex?" he pointed towards Fred who shrugged. "How come I was the last to know it wasn't sex?? I should have been told about that [I]small[/I] detail." He said with a pensive nod.

"It may not matter." Wesley swallowed loudly.

"What do you mean?" Fred inquired, while both she and Gunn stared at Wesley questioningly.

"Angel went out of his way to explain about that whole Gypsy Curse thing, making it crystal clear that chances are nothin' would happen." Gunn pointed out, getting worried. "He said he lost it with the Slayer because he was madly and passionately in love with the chick.it wasn't the intimacy.." He added, his tone growing very concerned.

"He said the emotions, not the act." Fred frowned, questioning Wesley still.

"You sayin' he lied, man??" Gunn exclaimed.

"No." Wesley absent-mindedly answered and then looked at them straight in the eyes. "At least not intentionally." He said, as Fred looked confused for a moment. "What I mean is, you know Cordelia. If Angel had expressed out loud, in front of her, that yes there is a chance he'll lose his soul, what would she have said?" he said as if the answer was obvious.

"Not better now. She's gonna beat the crap out of him. She's not dumb, she knows the risk." Gunn said, raising his eyebrows at the thought of Cordy mad.

"Not dumb. Scared." Wesley somberly spoke. "And so is Angel." He added as another painful silence invaded the hotel.

--

The room, lit by a single light in one of the bedroom's corner, bathed in quietness. The intensity in the room could have been sliced with a kitchen knife.

Angel sat in a chair near the bathroom door, dressed in black, as usual, and still wearing his leather jacket. Meanwhile, Cordelia was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking rather pale and exhausted, dressed in jeans, a white top covered by a light blue, long-sleeved shirt. She was holding her head with both hands, leaning her elbows against her knees, as they both drowned in the awkward soundless room. Cordy ran her hands through her shoulder-length hair and looked up as their eyes met.

Even in the poorly lit room, they could see each other's faces perfectly.

"You're not thinking clearly Angel." She whispered in an exasperated sigh.

"I am." he replied, thinking of something else to say, but she thought faster than he did.

"No, you're not." She said as her eyes bore into his from across the room. "This is not an option for you. We have already gone over this.we've gone over it.and over and over and over it again in the last two hours." She said, getting up and turning her back on him.

Angel slowly rose from his chair as well and walked closer to her. He stood behind her now.

"Cordy." His voice was so pained. Desperate almost. It was tugging at her heart.

"Angel, you're not thinking about the consequences." she said through her teeth as if she wanted to emphasize what he'd be risking.

She turned around to face him.

"Yes I have! It would be saving you!" he exclaimed as he grabbed her arms softly, but with an air of despair.

"Among other things, yes." she said, emphasizing each word to make sure he got her drift. "Angel." she ran her hands through her hair again. "We're best friends. This could be.awkward." She said, trying a different approach. "And, hello?!? There's the matter of your curse here - and I know how you've gone out of your way to make me not worry about it, but I do. Thank goodness that I do, because one of us has to, since you obviously decided to forget about that [I]tiny[/I] detail." She said. "You need to think about this." she almost pleaded.

"I have thought about it." He whispered in a heartbreaking tone.

Their eyes met and Cordelia found herself unable to tear her eyes away from Angel's and she saw a small tear behind his intense stare. They intensely stared at one another as a mutual sense of fear hammered at their hearts.

"Cordy." his voice was pleading for her to listen.

"Angel, don't." she shook her head and moved away from him, trying to avoid looking into his face.

"Fine. Then you'll let me call Lorne." He said, louder.

"What for?!" she spun around from the other side of the bedroom.

"To find a way through that portal and to get Groo's butt over here." Angel said almost reluctantly. "He can save you, will you sleep with [I]him[/I]?"

"No!!!" Cordelia exclaimed, clearly insulted, as her wide eyes stared at Angel in disbelief. "I am not sleeping with Groo - not matter how pinchable his butt may be - and.Angel." she stammered. "Argh!!" she groaned, throwing her hands in the air.

Angel took a few steps towards her.

"You're not afraid of angelus, Cordy..you're just afraid to lose the visions." He deducted as she shook her head, silently denying his accusation. "But, they're killing you." he breathed out.

Cordelia took a deep breath and stared at Angel, gently placing her hands on both of his arms, as if she was addressing a little boy. But he wasn't a little boy. She knew that. He was a man.desperate to save her.

"Angel, listen to me." she slowly spoke. "This is so typical of you." She tried to control her voice, not sure if she was angry or scared by now. "It's so typical Angel Behavior! But Angel, this isn't something that you can just feel your way into."

She stopped at his wide-eyed expression and frowned.

"Oh - Can we please keep our minds out of the gutter here!" she insisted as she sat back down at the edge of the bed. An apologetic look spread across Angel's face before he sat down next to her.

"Angel." she whispered, looking down at her hands, back to her previous seriousness. "What I'm saying is that you can't just jump into the save- Cordy boat without thinking of the repercussions. Not this time." She spoke as her voice nearly choked on the words. She looked up and Angel saw the tears in her eyes. "This isn't cutting a guy's hand off, or freeing a man from hell." She added, intently staring into his dark eyes. "The beast you could be freeing.we may never be able to get him back in h ere." She whispered, touching his chest with her fingers.

He felt a lump in his throat as he looked back into her tear-filled eyes.

"I won't let you die, Cordy." he whispered back, placing his hand over hers. "I can't." his face covered with fear. "Don't ask me to."

--

Gunn sat on the left side of the big couch, a crossbow in hand, staring in front of himself. Fred sat right next to him with a stake resting on her lap, also staring, while Wesley sat on the right side of the couch, holding an ancient dagger as he joined his friends in their staring contest.

Another hour had passed.

"What do you guys think is going on now?" Fred let roll off her tongue.

They all looked at one another, very awkwardly, and then turned back to their previous positions.

"Knowing them..they're probably still talking it out. Going back and forth about." he stopped himself when he felt four wide eyes resting on him. "I mean." he stumbled upon his error in wording.

"Long silences. Lots of brooding. Lots of snippy, misplaced comments. And lots of..awkwardness." Gunn concluded as an answer to Fred's question.

They all stared in front of themselves once again, in silence.

"Was that about the two of them or the three of us?" Fred frowned at Gunn.

--

they had been talking - and thinking - for another hour now. It seemed like forever since Fred, Wesley and Gunn had slipped out of the conversation. Neither Angel, nor Cordelia, could blame them for it though.

They were both still sitting on the bed, slightly facing each other now, seemingly deep in a serious discussion.

"How can you be so sure?" she asked, not really certain if she wanted an answer or not.

"Because, it's not about the intimacy itself..it's not the.." He stumbled on his words. "You know." he said instead. "It's about the feelings. I was so passionately in love with Buffy and that's why Angelus took over and I lost my soul." he explained for what seemed to be the millionth time.

"So." Cordy began, rising from the bed and standing a couple of feet in front of him. "Since there's none of that mushy stuff between us - [I]obviously[/I] - chances are you wouldn't get the big forbidden happy." she theorized, sounding a little distant.

"Yes! That's what I'm saying!" Angel responded, thinking it was what she wanted to hear, but then he mentally berated himself for just how cruel that had sounded.

She looked at him for a moment with a strange expression on her face.

"Gee - was that supposed to be a turn on?" She asked as she raised an eyebrow, in a way that only she could. "If so, you're failing horribly at it." She added.

"It's not.what I'm trying to say is that no matter what, everything's going to be fine." He said, getting up and walking towards her, taking her hands into his, slowly. "You will be fine." He whispered in a low, caring tone.

Those words again.

She so desperately wanted to believe them.

There was a short silence between them.

"Angel, what if."

He didn't let her finish.

"There will be no what if."

"But what if there is a what if?"

"There won't!"

"There could be a what if. What if there is a what if? I need to know what to do if there is a what if Angel!"

"This is getting confusing."

"Very."

Their breathless exchange was so fast-paced that it left them both taken aback and nervous. They stared at one another for a while before Angel moved towards his dresser. Cordelia watched him reach inside a drawer and take something out. Angel slowly walked back towards her and placed a stake in her hands.

"Uh.Angel, I'm not into that kinky stuff." a wide-eyed Cordy said, staring at Angel.

He looked at her, perfectly knowing that her sarcasm and humor only served to mask her nervousness.

"You know what to do if there is a what if." he whispered, closing her hands over the stake.

"You said there wouldn't!" she cried out loud, not really knowing why.

"Cordy." Angel whispered, feeling the warmth of her hands beneath his cold fingers. "If anything happens.I want you to use this."

"No." she said determinedly, as she stepped back.

"Cordelia."

"This is wrong." She said, shaking her head.

"The visions will kill you Cordy! I won't let what happened to Emily happen to you!" he argued.

"Fine." Cordy said, throwing her arms in the air. "Fine! You want to take the visions away?? Fine!! Go right ahead.. Come on, let's get this thing over with." She dared him, standing tall before him.

Her tone was severe but her eyes mirrored the depth of her vulnerability and fears. They were red with tears that she so desperately tried to hide. She stared at him, waiting.

His heart broke.

--

"I can't imagine how awkward this must be for them." Gunn said.

"Well, they're very close already." Fred countered.

"Not [b]that[/b] close!" Wesley pointed out.

"And, let's face it..they're both very easy on the eyes so the physical part of the whole thing should be no problem." Fred theorized as the guys stared at her.

"I don't think we should talk about this. Should we be talking about this? I don't want to talk about this." Gunn finally said as the imagery invaded his head.

--

Angel looked into her eyes and he felt a tugging at his un-beating heart.

"Come on.show me what you got." she said as her voice trembled despite her best efforts.

Angel's voice broke as he spoke.

"I'm not going to force myself on you.or force you to be saved."

"You're not. I'm willing. See? This is me being willing. Willingness is pouring out of me right now." Her voice seemed a bit frustrated.

"Cordy." his tender whisper calmed her anger.

They shared a highly emotional stare and held it for a while.

Cordy's head dropped as a tear rolled down her face. She slowly went to sit on the bed while Angel stood in the middle of the room, silently.

"Angel." she whispered apologetically. She held her head between her hands. "I'm scared. I'm just."

She didn't have to continue. He could hear it in her voice. In her breathing. In the beating of her heart.

"I would do anything before I let anyone hurt you, even the Powers. You know that."

A tear fell from Cordelia's eyes as she watched him.

"That's why. That's why I didn't tell you. I knew you would say that." Angel's eyes filled with realization and pain.

"I watched you hold Emily while she died.in your arms. Don't ask me to do the same with you." his voice broke and Cordelia saw the tears hidden in his eyes. Real tears. "I can't watch you die."

She looked at him and then lowered her eyes, breathing a tiny sigh of relief. Was it relief? How could she be relieved? She didn't care. She just was. They shared a long pause before Cordelia looked up again.

"I won't be able to stake you." she then whispered, throwing the stake on the floor.

"You'll know what you have to do." he whispered, staring at her from across the room.

"I can't do this..stake you."

"You won't have to.I'll be fine." He said, waiting for her answer, expectantly.

Emily had promised it. Now Angel was promising it too.

Cordelia looked into his eyes and a certain mixture of emotion came over her.

"Okay." she finally whispered, with a new trusting expression on her face.

"Okay." Angel repeated as they looked at one another, awkwardly at first.

"So." "So." they both said at the same time.

Angel was standing near the door while Cordelia was still sitting on the bed.

"So I guess we just.do it." Cordy nervously spoke as they both stood still for a moment. "Let's just do it." she added, beginning to unbutton her shirt.

He saw her trembling hands and immediately walked towards her. Kneeling on the floor before her, he put his hands over hers, tenderly stopping her.

His touch was screaming at her "not this way."

He felt the warmth of her hands beneath his and took an unnecessary breath.

"I never thought I would say this but I really hope this will be your worst sexual experience..ever." she spoke in her typical Cordy voice.

Anything to avoid the big happy she feared.

Angel gave her a soft smile.

That would be impossible." He whispered.

"Right." Cordy acknowledged. "You [I]did[/I] have Darla." She nervously said, still holding his hands into hers.

Cordelia was looking down at their hands, not moving. Not speaking. She closed her eyes and quietly listened to her own heartbeat for a few seconds. She then opened her eyes and looked up into Angel's waiting face.

"I don't want to hurt you." she whispered as she felt one of his hands travel from her hands to her cheek, extremely slowly.

--

"Do you think it will be quick?" Fred inquired, once again attracting the puzzled stares of Wesley and Gunn. "Well, I mean, logic would be that cold heartless sex would be better to keep Angelus under control." she defended herself as they still stared at her. "You think it'll be like that or that they will.you know.take their time.?"

None of them answered as they all turned away from one another, trying to avoid looking into each other's eyes. A long silence followed and Fred felt another question coming up.

"Will the Powers watch?" she said as both Wesley and Gunn jerked their heads to look at her.

"What?!?" they both said in unison.

"How will they know when to do the whole transfer thing.I mean." she grimaced at her own perverse thought. "Will they just.stand there and watch..to determine which moan is appropriate to do the transfer?"

Wesley and Gunn both looked disturbed by the young woman's questioning.

"Boy, I so did not need that mental picture." Gunn said, his face twisting as they all went back to staring.

--

Kneeling before her, Angel brought his right hand to Cordelia's cheek. A serene silence took over them as they simply stared into each other's eyes.

[I]Emily: "Everything's going to be alright. Trust me. I've got it covered."[/I]

They had rarely experienced such intensity in their lives before. It was almost calming to a certain degree. Their eyes seem to speak louder than words ever could, sharing their most private thoughts. Hidden secrets.

Silent Conversation.

Secret understanding.

She felt his other hand brush the side of her face as they stood still, as if time had stopped. It's as though the earth had stopped turning all of a sudden and there was just them. Just the two of them, moving in slow- motion.

As they just stared into one another's eyes, a silent - yet sad - understanding overcame them. If this didn't work, Cordelia would surely die. And if it did work, Angel wasn't sure he would survive. They knew that. There was no need for words. The hidden tears they saw on one another's face was enough of a conviction.

One of them would not make it. One of them would not be saved.

Angel slowly began lowered his face to hers, never breaking the intense connection with her eyes.

This was all they had. For one of them, tonight might be the last. The realization had dawned upon them.

Cordelia's heart stopped beating as their faces slowly began to close the empty space between them. Nothing was rushed. If anything, it was slow, almost calculated yet spontaneous.

Angel, cupping Cordelia's face with his strong hands, gently lowered his lips to hers in a long, emotional kiss. Her hands were not trembling anymore. Her heart was beating again. The touch of his lips on hers was enough to silence any fear that ever inhabited her. She closed her eyes and kissed him back with the same gentleness he had.

What had begun as awkward was now turning into comfort. Angel felt comfort in her kiss. Calmness. The kiss lasted for a while as they both just marveled in the emotions and the delicacy of it all. Neither of them had ever been kissed with such delicacy and it took them both by surprise.

After a moment, Angel pulled away from the kiss, staring into her eyes as if to know if this was right with her. He wanted to do this right. He needed to do this right. Not rushed. Passionate, but not rushed. He wanted to take his time.

Cordelia's eyes seemed to sparkled into the night as she quietly lifted her head up and kissed him once again with the same delicacy as before but with a bit more passion. He found himself mesmerized by her kiss, which served as her only answer to his silent questioning.

She brought her hands up to his in a slow gesture. They seemed unable - and unwilling - to move at a quicker pace, wanting to memorize every single second of this. Wanting to do this right.

The kiss slightly intensified, without ever being rushed, as he felt her tongue massage his slowly.

Cordelia brought her hands to his chest and slowly pushed the infamous leather jacket off his shoulders. He let go of her face long enough so that the jacket could slide down his arms and silently fall to the floor. His lips left hers long enough for her to breathe before she felt his mouth gently take hers again. Their tongues danced with one another, making everything around them disappear for the time being.

Angel slowly pulled away from the kiss, letting his forehead slightly brush against hers as he lowered his eyes to her blouse. With gentle hands, he finished unbuttoning the buttons of her blouse, feeling the warmth of Cordelia's breath on his face as he did so. Cordelia stared at his face, almost amazed by how soft his skin actually was for a vampire, as he slowly pushed the blouse off her body, revealing her bare shoulders.

Their eyes met in a mere instant before they kissed again. He was still kneeling on the floor before her, reveling in the touch of her lips against his. She felt his hands travel from her knees up to her waist, where they rested for a while. There was a strong desire in the way they kissed, touched, moved.breathed even. Yet, there was this underlying calmness to it. Cordelia, never ceasing to return his kisses, reached for the edge of his black sweater and began to pull the piece of clothing over his head. Angel helped her free himself of the unnecessary sweater and let it fall to the floor immediately.

Their eyes met in one of the most intense, emotion-filled stare they had ever shared. They didn't need any words. He could feel her heart beating faster, and strangely enough, she could see he was breathing too. He didn't even seem to notice. Their lips met once again in a steamier kiss as she let her hands massage the back of his neck. After a while, she pulled away, slightly enough so she could look into his eyes, and caught her breath. Her hands were warmly resting on h is strong and bare shoulders now. He looked back into her eyes and then lowered them to the beauty of her bare shoulders. Slowly, with a gentleness unknown to himself, he traced an invisible line on her skin with his cold fingers. He let his fingers slip under the strap of her white top and slow, ever so slowly, he pulled it down. Cordy though her heart was going to stop right there, but it didn't. Instead, it began beating even faster. There was such a comfort to Angel's touch. Such a familiarity. A rightness to it.

She felt his cool lips on her shoulder as he gently pulled the strap down, letting his fingers roam on the softness of her arm. He didn't dare kiss the warmth of her neck, somehow not wanting to scare her. She knew what he was thinking. Cordelia closed her eyes, his lips slowly coming back to hers.

This time, when they kissed, she pulled him to her, never wanting to let him go. Never wanting to let this moment go. He was touching her like she had never been touched. He was kissing her like she had never been kissed. Something inside of her wanted to be rational, and afraid, but she couldn't. It just felt right.

He carefully lowered her down on the bed and let his hands rest on her hips as she stared into his eyes. They stood like that, immobile, for a few seconds, staring at one another. There was something in her eyes. Something he never wanted to forget. Something he knew he never would.

He bent his head down once more and tasted once again the refreshing taste of her lips.

--

The hotel bathed in a divine silence. Fred was resting her sleepy head on Gunn's shoulder as the two men by her side slept soundly.

Still holding their weapons.

Still sitting on the couch.

They slept.

--

The sheets wrapped their bodies with near perfection as the rest of their unnecessary piece of clothing lied beside the bed. The simple sound of their breathing was hear in the room.

Their kissing was more desperate now. More urgent. Without losing its touch of calm sensuality, they were lost in their touch and kisses. Quite frankly, it had been a while for both of them. Yet, they seemed to at ease with one another. So perfectly entwined. The way their bodies touched, the way their hands clasped together.the way their mouths danced a dance only they could follow.they seemed oblivious to the world.

Oblivious to the risk. The consequences. The sacrifice.

Oblivious to the small blue light that surrounded them as their bodies clung to one another.

Oblivious to it all.except their secret understanding.