Chapter 8 - The Talk
She closed her eyes for a moment, listening.
Just listening.
To silence.
Around her, in the training room, everything stood still. The air seemed unatainable. The sounds were absent. The usual sparring that field this room was gone. Lost.
Dead.
Her hands trembled. There was such a loss in her hazel eyes. A guilt. A trace inside her face of something so painful that she felt she had to hide it. To cover it up. To paint over it as if to protect herself from its dark colors. It was a guilt she couldn't fight, couldn't touch, couldn't bear.
With a slow, hesitant hand, she picked up the sword she had dropped on the floor earlier. Her fingers dreadfully clutched it while her eyes lingered on its sharp edge long enough to bring a tear to her eyes. She held her breath for a moment, involuntarily. A sinking feeling crept within her. A strong sinking feeling.
Cordelia held on to the sword and carefully walked towards the weapon cabinet. She stopped only when she felt the shattered glass beneath her heavy feet. Her eyes travelled to the broken glass while her hand automatically reached up to the now healing cut on her forehead. Instead of placing the sword in its usual place, she put it down on a table nearby. She swallowed back the lunp in her throat as she carefully felt her fingers linger on the sword a bit longer than necessary.
"Cordy." she heard, coming from behind her.
She immediately closed her eyes, pained at the sound of the voice. That voice. That familiar, quiet voice. She didn't need to turn around - nor did she want to. She just kept her eyes shut, listening as if she just waited for the voice to fade in the back of her head once again, just like it had done so many times before.
Behind Cordelia stood a tall, glowing Emily, with riveting eyes fixated on her fragile cousin.
"Go away." Cordelia managed to word out of her mouth as the emotions began to overtake her. "You're not real.you're just a figment of my imagination." she added in a shaky breath.
"Maybe I am." Emily ackowledged with a soft and tender tone. "Then why aren't you turning around?" she then asked, waiting for Cordelia to have some sort of reaction - which she did not initially.
An emotionally draining silence fell between the two and Cordy stared down at the floor for a long while. She urged the tears back as she lifted her eyes up and spoke with a low, shaky voice.
"You said I could trust you." she whispered as she turned around, finally.
Her words trailed off as Cordelia stared into nothingness.
No Emily.
She was gone. Again.
Cordelia breathed deeply and stared at the darkened room in front of her, as if she should have expected it.
--
They all fell into an impending silence of their own, trying to process, each in their own way, the current situation. So much had been said. So much had happened that they had not known about.
Somewhere between the beginning and the middle of Wesley's story, Giles had joined them.
It's like a huge heavy weight had been dropped on their hearts. As if paralyzed by the information she had now been given, Buffy had found herself immobile in her chair. Until now. She slowly rose from her chair and quietly walked towards the large window which led on the lobby. She crossed her arms against her chest as her eyes followed the young brunette who had just emerged from the basement. Buffy just stood there, emotionally silent, faintly hearing the voices behind her, as she observed an oblivious Cordelia.
At this point, she couldn't think of Cordelia without thinking of Angel. Or vice versa. She just couldn't. She thought she heard Giles and Wesley talk, but she wasn't sure. Her eyes were riveted on the young woman wearing training attires on the other side of the window.
Her only perception of Cordelia chase thus far was slowly being shattered and replaced by something that overwhelmed her in many ways. Buffy watched, attentively as Cordelia made her way to the small fridge in the back of the room.
Cordy pushed a few loose strand of hair away from her face, opened the door and bent down slightly, reaching for a bottle of water. Her fingers had barely brushed against the cold bottle when she froze. A large tear-filled lump slowly crept into her throat. She let out a shaky sigh and lowered her eyes for a second.
There, in the fridge, right beside the water, was Angel's blood. She should have known, she put it there herself every morning. After a few seconds of staring, she grabbed the bottle of water and forced herself to shut the door. She stood near the counter, oblivious to the crowd that had gathered in Wesley's office by now.
Buffy simply stood there and watched.
"Buffy?" Willow's kind voice pulled her back from her thoughts. "Buffy." Willow repeated, placing a hand on the Slayer's shoulder.
Buffy lowered her eyes momentarily. No one understood. She knew that nobody could understand, except her. She opened her mouth to speak, but paused when words failed her. She glanced up at a still Cordelia before finally speaking.
"So, what you're saying is that," Buffy began, lowering her eyes again, "in less than a week Cordelia has watched her cousin die, watched herself go down the same path, only to be saved by Angel and then having to stake him. And she still got stuck with the visions.How am I doing so far?" she somberly spoke.
"Pretty good." Gunn mumbled.
"You guys should be out there talking to her." Buffy stated with confidence.
"She's not listening to us, Buffy." Wesley whispered, letting his head drop, while Giles and Willow moved to the window to see what Buffy was so intensely looking at.
Her.
Cordelia.
"She's not hearing us." Gunn continued. "She's not even hearing herself right now." he paused as the whole room listened to him.
Everyone suddenly fell back into a painful quietness that Fred found unbarable.
"She just sat there." Fred thought out loud, speaking for the first time, a bit of hurt and amazement in her voice. Everyone turned to face her. "She was just sitting there.and I wouldn't be surprised if a part of her was still sitting there right now. We all act like we know her.like we know what she feels, what she needs, what she wants. We don't!" she said in a tone that nearly shocked everyone. Quiet Fred seemed angry. "None of us do!" she exclaimed in an emotional outburst. "She acts tough and brave and cold as if nothing can touch her but that's not true. Angel touched her. Emily did too. And if you had stood in the doorway, watching her, just sitting there with that look on her face." a tear fell from fred's eyes. "You wouldn't be in here talking about this. You wouldn't be able to." she said as she stormed out of the room.
Cordelia heard the door fly open and saw Fred rush up the stairs in a state of near anger, which wasn't frequent coming from Fred. Cordy glanced back at the office and saw the crowd that had gathered there. She barely gave it a second thought and went back to ignoring them.
Inside the office, Xander, Giles and Willow had joined Buffy in her ardent staring, despite themselves.
"Are those sneakers?" Xander asked with a surprised frown. Gunn stared at him. "On her feet!" Xander pointed out. "Cordelia would never be caught dead in sweat pants much less running shoes. Are those running shoes? I sshe wearing sunning shoes?? And not even Nike or any other famous make!?" Off everyone's look, he finally breathed. "She is. Okay.I need to sit down."
Giles pushed a chair his way.
"Is he on medication?!?" Gunn grimaced as he stared at the obviously confused young man.
"No. I'm afraid he was born like this." Willow nodded, knowingly.
"Thanks wil." Xander frowned, not that offended after all.
Buffy barely noticed the little conversation that had taken place behind her. She seemed more preoccupied with Cordelia's every move.
"I still think someone needs to talk to her." Buffy mumbled, still looking through the window.
"And I still maintain that you should not be that person." Wesley softly replied.
--
Cordelia had picked up a couple of things upstairs and without addressing any of the scoobies, she walked back downstairs. She entered the training room as a profound sense of doom invaded her once again. With a garbage bag in hand, she slowly made her way across the room to the shattered weapon cabinet. She then carefully squatted down in front of the cabinet. She could still feel the hurt of her head smashing into the glass, as she carefully, as she picked up a few shards with her fingers.
A couple of seconds passed. Barely.
She heard the slow hesitant footsteps in the stairs. She didn't even bother to turn around. Instead, she kept throwing the pieces of glass in the large garbage bag.
The blonde Slayer seemed to hesitate in the background for a few seconds. Cordelia seemed to purposely ignore her. Looking at the silent brunette kneeling on the floor, Buffy walked into the middle of the room at a snails pace. Funny how all of a sudden, she didn't know what to say. A simple "hi" didn't seem like enough, while more than that appeared inapropriate.
"Looks like you've got the brooding thing covered." Buffy finally spoke ambivalently.
Never turning around, never looking at Buffy, Cordy kept on strategically cleaning the mess in front of her.
"Yeah, well, that's me." Cordelia replied, her voice unusually low and dark. "Must be something about me. I kiss a half-demon and I end up with his visions, and I sleep with a vampire and I inherit his brooding skills. How predictable."
There was an underlying sarcasm to her words, but neither of them laughed. They didn't even smile; nor looked at one another.
"Do you need a hand?" Buffy ventured, seeing how Cordelia had not stopped her cleaning frenzy.
"Nope." Her tone was dry and distant, but firm.
"You just look like you could use some help." Buffy added, holding her breath for a moment, waiting for cordelia's answer.
"Not to burst your little slayer hero bubble, but not everybody needs your help, buffy." Cordy retorted, never looking up.
"Just let me." Buffy bent down beside Cordy and picked up some shards from the floor.
"I got it." Cordy replied, snatching it from Buffy's hand.
For the first time since coming downstairs, Buffy got a good look at cordelia's face. Empty tear-aged eyes. A deep healing cut on er forehead. A few scratches on the left side of her chin. The loose strands of hair falling on her cheeks.
"Cordelia."
"I said I got it!" she snapped.
Buffy shook her head an clentched her jaw as she pushed herself back up.
"Fine." Buffy muttered. "Knock yourself out."
Cordy didn't even react. Buffy stood behind her for a moment. Her momentary frustration obviously passed as she paused and stared at Cordelia.
"I know you're angry." buffy kindly spoke.
"I'm not angry."
"You can."
"I'm not!"
"It's okay to be angry." buffy argued, stubbornly.
"I am not angry. I am so way beyond angry right now." Cordy argued back with the same stubborness.
Buffy paused, giving Cordy a challenging look.
"Then why do you look like you want to punch somebody?" Buffy seriously spoke.
"Well, I don't know." Cordy let out in a perfect Queen C. mode. "That tends to happen to me when you're around."
Buffy calmly nodded and looked away for a moment. Cordelia had not truly meant to say that out loud, although a little part of her knew it was kind of true. That was the old Cordy. But right now, she didn't really care, or have control over that for that matter.
"Then why don't you hit me." Buffy suggested in a challenging tone.
"What??!" Cordy let out with utter shock.
"You might as well give it your best shot and let it all out because I'm not going anywhere. So come on." Buffy dared her in typical Slayer behavior.
"You are insane!" Cordelia exclaimed with a frown.
"That makes two of us then." Buffy ackowledged.
"I am not going to punch you no matter how tempting that sounds." Cordy coldly denied, staring at Buffy with an unreadable expression on her face.
"Right." Buffy mumbled, grabbing the sword that was resting on the table beside her. "I hear you're much more comfortable with swords." She pointed the sword at Cordelia.
"Buffy put that down."
"What, scared?" Buffy challenged as her eyes remained surprisingly calm. "You know guilt has never looked good on you.and it's quite disturbing to tell you the truth." She confessed. "I know you've dreamed of cutting my head off once or twice - at the very least - so come on. This is your chance Cordelia." her tone was more demanding by the time she finished her sentence.
"I am not going to punch you or fight you alright!" cordelia shouted, staring at Buffy straight in the eyes. "First, because you would reduce me to shreds. I'm not that stupid. And second, because I don't want to hit you!" she lashed out, before turning her back on Buffy.
Buffy lowered the sword as an deep understanding spread across her serious face.
"No, because the person you want to hit is yourself." she said, her voice almost pleading for Cordelia to admit to it.
Cordy didn't answer. An awkward silence befell them and Cordy lowered her eyes and registered buffy's words. They just stayed there, silently, for a long time.
"What do you want?" Cordelia turned around, tears welling up in her eyes, but she stubbornly fought them back. "What?!!" she almost spitted in Buffy's face. "what did you come down here for, huh?? To see it for yourself? Well take a good look around!" Cordelia said, taking a step towards Buffy as the emotions in her voice mingled with anger. "Take a really good look so you can tell everyone just how pathetic and weak cordelia Chase has become. Everyone in SunnyHell is just going to LOVE that! Or maybe you just came here to tell me how stupid I am." she went on one of her breathless rant, not waiting for Buffy to reply. "What?? You want to shout, to yell, to throw things?? Go right ahead! But just cut the useless crap, alright." her voice now heartbreakingly shaky. "We've never been friends - and quite honestly I never really wanted to be - so let's just stop the fake bonding here and just tell me what you want. What is it that you want from me?"
The tears in Cordelia's eyes silenced Buffy for a moment.
"If you want to blame me for killing the supposed love of your life, then be my guest! But whatever you came down here for, just get it over with and leave me the hell alone."
"I didn't come here to blame you.." Buffy replied, taken aback and amazed all at the same time by Cordelia's words.
"I drove a stake through his heart." Cordy emphasized, as they both stared at one another intensely. "How weak is that?" she whispered, almost to herself.
"Weak?" buffy repeated as her features softened with sadness. "You think what you did was weak??" a few tears welled up in Buffy's eyes. "He would have killed you." She said in a shaky breath. "You did what I was never able to do, Cordelia. That doesn't make you weak. If anything, it makes you stronger." Buffy said, in a surprisingly honest tone.
The two of them simply stared at one another in complete silence. Their barriers and anger slowly began to vanish as a silent understanding crept between the two. Buffy was the only one who could understand Cordelia's inner turmoil. They both knew that. They also knew that right now, fighting wasn't going to help anything. So they stood there, in an absence of words that seemed comforting to both of them.
After a few seconds, Cordelia felt the familiar rush through her veins. It was slightly different, but still familiar enough for her to know what was coming. She saw the flashes of light behind her eyes and instinctively leaned against the table beside her.
Angel looked into her eyes and then lowered them to the beauty of her bare shoulders. Slowly, with a gentleness unknown to himself, he traced an invisible line on her skin with his cold fingers. He let his fingers slip under the strap of her white top and slow, ever so slowly, he pulled it down.
Then an image of Emily dying in her arms invadedher brain, followed by an intense image of Angel, standing before her, helplessly tending his hand forward as if asking for help. That image of Angel quickly dissolved into an image of Emily doing the same gesture, then Buffy, and then, in a dramatic twist, one of herself. She was staring at herself.
And then nothing.
Cordelia opened her eyes, stunned by the vision she had just been sent.
"Are you okay?" Buffy quickly asked with concern.
"yeah. Painless.almost." Cordy mumbled.
There was a long pause as Buffy examined Cordelia's shocked face. Cordy carefully leaned her back against the wall and let herself slowly sit down on the floor. Silently, Buffy sat down beside her.
"I keep seeing her." Cordy said, burrying her face in her hands momentarily. "everywhere."
"Is she the only one you see?" Buffy asked.
Cordelia's painful silence served as her only answer, and they both knew what it meant. No need for words. For the first time in their lives, cordelia and Buffy seemed to be on the same page, emotionally at least. And a certain compassion inhabited them both.
"He convinced you, didn't he?" Buffy whispered as she met Cordy's eyes. "That everything would be fine."
"I guess I forgot that whenever Angel uses that phrase that never includes him." Cordy nodded, staring in front of her as their conversation became more honest and calmer.
"That's Angel for you." Buffy smiled as she stared into space too, probably lost in her own memories. She then turned to catch a glimpse of Cordelia's profile and breathed deeply. "There's nothing you could have done, you know.He would have found a way to save you. No matter what." Buffy paused as Cordelia looked at her silently. "You were too important to him. I know that. He told me." She added in an honesty foreign to either of them until now.
"You don't have to say these things." Cordy softly offered, looking away for a moment.
"I do." She offered. "I know it won't make you feel any better. But you and I both know Angel's always wanted to be the hero. The one to save the people he loved, no matter what."
"I don't feel saved." Cordelia whispered, almost to herself.
"It'll come." Buffy smiled softly.
There was a long silence that followed their calm exchange.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier." Cordy finally spoke, hesitantly. Who ever thought she would say that to Buffy Summers.
"Forget it. Just a little flashback that proved you haven't gone totally softy on me just yet." Buffy replied with a simple understanding. "I'll survive." She smiled.
Both, Buffy and Cordelia smiled quietly as they kept on staring into the darkness.
"It was so much easier to hate you when you were just tactless bitchy Cordelia Chase." Buffy then confessed, shaking her head almost in amazement. "It was almost comforting to know I could always hate you." She smiled to herself in rememberance. "Now you make it so damn hard not to actually [I]like[/I] you."
"Sorry my layers got in the way of your comfort."
"That's not what I meant." Buffy quickly replied.
"I know." Cordelia smiled, genuinely for the most part.
They both paused, looking away from each other, leaning their backs against the wall behind them. They seem to take comfort in their shared silence all of a sudden. Buffy then raised an eyebrow and turned to face Cordy.
"Was that bonding? Did we bond? Were we actually bonding?" she asked, almost shocked by her own admission.
"I won't tell if you don't." Cordy quickly answered.
"Deal." Buffy agreed hurriedly.
Another short silence invaded the room as the two sat there on the floor. After a couple of seconds, Cordelia looked down and noticed the chain hanging around her neck. Emily's little chain. Her necklace. She slowly reached to touch it with the tip of her fingers and took it in her hand. She softly un-fastened it from her neck and held it in front of her for a little while. Buffy noticed the gesture and watched, curiously.
"What's that?" Buffy asked.
Cordelia paused, her eyes filling with emotions.
"Nothing." She replied, trying to be emotionless but in vain.
Cordelia threw the necklace on the floor in front of them, as thoughts of Emily ran through her mind.
As soon as the necklace hit the floor, a bright flash of yellow light sprung from the floor and blinded them both. Buffy and Cordy found themselves shielding their faces from the bright light for a moment. A warmth invaded the training room, leaving nothing untouched. When both girls opened their eyes, all they saw was the woman standing in front of them.
Buffy's face dropped while Cordelia's stared in amazement.
They both froze, unable to form any coherent phrase.
"Mrs. Summers." Cordelia mumbled through her shock.
Buffy stood motionless by Cordelia's side.
"Mom?" she whispered.
She closed her eyes for a moment, listening.
Just listening.
To silence.
Around her, in the training room, everything stood still. The air seemed unatainable. The sounds were absent. The usual sparring that field this room was gone. Lost.
Dead.
Her hands trembled. There was such a loss in her hazel eyes. A guilt. A trace inside her face of something so painful that she felt she had to hide it. To cover it up. To paint over it as if to protect herself from its dark colors. It was a guilt she couldn't fight, couldn't touch, couldn't bear.
With a slow, hesitant hand, she picked up the sword she had dropped on the floor earlier. Her fingers dreadfully clutched it while her eyes lingered on its sharp edge long enough to bring a tear to her eyes. She held her breath for a moment, involuntarily. A sinking feeling crept within her. A strong sinking feeling.
Cordelia held on to the sword and carefully walked towards the weapon cabinet. She stopped only when she felt the shattered glass beneath her heavy feet. Her eyes travelled to the broken glass while her hand automatically reached up to the now healing cut on her forehead. Instead of placing the sword in its usual place, she put it down on a table nearby. She swallowed back the lunp in her throat as she carefully felt her fingers linger on the sword a bit longer than necessary.
"Cordy." she heard, coming from behind her.
She immediately closed her eyes, pained at the sound of the voice. That voice. That familiar, quiet voice. She didn't need to turn around - nor did she want to. She just kept her eyes shut, listening as if she just waited for the voice to fade in the back of her head once again, just like it had done so many times before.
Behind Cordelia stood a tall, glowing Emily, with riveting eyes fixated on her fragile cousin.
"Go away." Cordelia managed to word out of her mouth as the emotions began to overtake her. "You're not real.you're just a figment of my imagination." she added in a shaky breath.
"Maybe I am." Emily ackowledged with a soft and tender tone. "Then why aren't you turning around?" she then asked, waiting for Cordelia to have some sort of reaction - which she did not initially.
An emotionally draining silence fell between the two and Cordy stared down at the floor for a long while. She urged the tears back as she lifted her eyes up and spoke with a low, shaky voice.
"You said I could trust you." she whispered as she turned around, finally.
Her words trailed off as Cordelia stared into nothingness.
No Emily.
She was gone. Again.
Cordelia breathed deeply and stared at the darkened room in front of her, as if she should have expected it.
--
They all fell into an impending silence of their own, trying to process, each in their own way, the current situation. So much had been said. So much had happened that they had not known about.
Somewhere between the beginning and the middle of Wesley's story, Giles had joined them.
It's like a huge heavy weight had been dropped on their hearts. As if paralyzed by the information she had now been given, Buffy had found herself immobile in her chair. Until now. She slowly rose from her chair and quietly walked towards the large window which led on the lobby. She crossed her arms against her chest as her eyes followed the young brunette who had just emerged from the basement. Buffy just stood there, emotionally silent, faintly hearing the voices behind her, as she observed an oblivious Cordelia.
At this point, she couldn't think of Cordelia without thinking of Angel. Or vice versa. She just couldn't. She thought she heard Giles and Wesley talk, but she wasn't sure. Her eyes were riveted on the young woman wearing training attires on the other side of the window.
Her only perception of Cordelia chase thus far was slowly being shattered and replaced by something that overwhelmed her in many ways. Buffy watched, attentively as Cordelia made her way to the small fridge in the back of the room.
Cordy pushed a few loose strand of hair away from her face, opened the door and bent down slightly, reaching for a bottle of water. Her fingers had barely brushed against the cold bottle when she froze. A large tear-filled lump slowly crept into her throat. She let out a shaky sigh and lowered her eyes for a second.
There, in the fridge, right beside the water, was Angel's blood. She should have known, she put it there herself every morning. After a few seconds of staring, she grabbed the bottle of water and forced herself to shut the door. She stood near the counter, oblivious to the crowd that had gathered in Wesley's office by now.
Buffy simply stood there and watched.
"Buffy?" Willow's kind voice pulled her back from her thoughts. "Buffy." Willow repeated, placing a hand on the Slayer's shoulder.
Buffy lowered her eyes momentarily. No one understood. She knew that nobody could understand, except her. She opened her mouth to speak, but paused when words failed her. She glanced up at a still Cordelia before finally speaking.
"So, what you're saying is that," Buffy began, lowering her eyes again, "in less than a week Cordelia has watched her cousin die, watched herself go down the same path, only to be saved by Angel and then having to stake him. And she still got stuck with the visions.How am I doing so far?" she somberly spoke.
"Pretty good." Gunn mumbled.
"You guys should be out there talking to her." Buffy stated with confidence.
"She's not listening to us, Buffy." Wesley whispered, letting his head drop, while Giles and Willow moved to the window to see what Buffy was so intensely looking at.
Her.
Cordelia.
"She's not hearing us." Gunn continued. "She's not even hearing herself right now." he paused as the whole room listened to him.
Everyone suddenly fell back into a painful quietness that Fred found unbarable.
"She just sat there." Fred thought out loud, speaking for the first time, a bit of hurt and amazement in her voice. Everyone turned to face her. "She was just sitting there.and I wouldn't be surprised if a part of her was still sitting there right now. We all act like we know her.like we know what she feels, what she needs, what she wants. We don't!" she said in a tone that nearly shocked everyone. Quiet Fred seemed angry. "None of us do!" she exclaimed in an emotional outburst. "She acts tough and brave and cold as if nothing can touch her but that's not true. Angel touched her. Emily did too. And if you had stood in the doorway, watching her, just sitting there with that look on her face." a tear fell from fred's eyes. "You wouldn't be in here talking about this. You wouldn't be able to." she said as she stormed out of the room.
Cordelia heard the door fly open and saw Fred rush up the stairs in a state of near anger, which wasn't frequent coming from Fred. Cordy glanced back at the office and saw the crowd that had gathered there. She barely gave it a second thought and went back to ignoring them.
Inside the office, Xander, Giles and Willow had joined Buffy in her ardent staring, despite themselves.
"Are those sneakers?" Xander asked with a surprised frown. Gunn stared at him. "On her feet!" Xander pointed out. "Cordelia would never be caught dead in sweat pants much less running shoes. Are those running shoes? I sshe wearing sunning shoes?? And not even Nike or any other famous make!?" Off everyone's look, he finally breathed. "She is. Okay.I need to sit down."
Giles pushed a chair his way.
"Is he on medication?!?" Gunn grimaced as he stared at the obviously confused young man.
"No. I'm afraid he was born like this." Willow nodded, knowingly.
"Thanks wil." Xander frowned, not that offended after all.
Buffy barely noticed the little conversation that had taken place behind her. She seemed more preoccupied with Cordelia's every move.
"I still think someone needs to talk to her." Buffy mumbled, still looking through the window.
"And I still maintain that you should not be that person." Wesley softly replied.
--
Cordelia had picked up a couple of things upstairs and without addressing any of the scoobies, she walked back downstairs. She entered the training room as a profound sense of doom invaded her once again. With a garbage bag in hand, she slowly made her way across the room to the shattered weapon cabinet. She then carefully squatted down in front of the cabinet. She could still feel the hurt of her head smashing into the glass, as she carefully, as she picked up a few shards with her fingers.
A couple of seconds passed. Barely.
She heard the slow hesitant footsteps in the stairs. She didn't even bother to turn around. Instead, she kept throwing the pieces of glass in the large garbage bag.
The blonde Slayer seemed to hesitate in the background for a few seconds. Cordelia seemed to purposely ignore her. Looking at the silent brunette kneeling on the floor, Buffy walked into the middle of the room at a snails pace. Funny how all of a sudden, she didn't know what to say. A simple "hi" didn't seem like enough, while more than that appeared inapropriate.
"Looks like you've got the brooding thing covered." Buffy finally spoke ambivalently.
Never turning around, never looking at Buffy, Cordy kept on strategically cleaning the mess in front of her.
"Yeah, well, that's me." Cordelia replied, her voice unusually low and dark. "Must be something about me. I kiss a half-demon and I end up with his visions, and I sleep with a vampire and I inherit his brooding skills. How predictable."
There was an underlying sarcasm to her words, but neither of them laughed. They didn't even smile; nor looked at one another.
"Do you need a hand?" Buffy ventured, seeing how Cordelia had not stopped her cleaning frenzy.
"Nope." Her tone was dry and distant, but firm.
"You just look like you could use some help." Buffy added, holding her breath for a moment, waiting for cordelia's answer.
"Not to burst your little slayer hero bubble, but not everybody needs your help, buffy." Cordy retorted, never looking up.
"Just let me." Buffy bent down beside Cordy and picked up some shards from the floor.
"I got it." Cordy replied, snatching it from Buffy's hand.
For the first time since coming downstairs, Buffy got a good look at cordelia's face. Empty tear-aged eyes. A deep healing cut on er forehead. A few scratches on the left side of her chin. The loose strands of hair falling on her cheeks.
"Cordelia."
"I said I got it!" she snapped.
Buffy shook her head an clentched her jaw as she pushed herself back up.
"Fine." Buffy muttered. "Knock yourself out."
Cordy didn't even react. Buffy stood behind her for a moment. Her momentary frustration obviously passed as she paused and stared at Cordelia.
"I know you're angry." buffy kindly spoke.
"I'm not angry."
"You can."
"I'm not!"
"It's okay to be angry." buffy argued, stubbornly.
"I am not angry. I am so way beyond angry right now." Cordy argued back with the same stubborness.
Buffy paused, giving Cordy a challenging look.
"Then why do you look like you want to punch somebody?" Buffy seriously spoke.
"Well, I don't know." Cordy let out in a perfect Queen C. mode. "That tends to happen to me when you're around."
Buffy calmly nodded and looked away for a moment. Cordelia had not truly meant to say that out loud, although a little part of her knew it was kind of true. That was the old Cordy. But right now, she didn't really care, or have control over that for that matter.
"Then why don't you hit me." Buffy suggested in a challenging tone.
"What??!" Cordy let out with utter shock.
"You might as well give it your best shot and let it all out because I'm not going anywhere. So come on." Buffy dared her in typical Slayer behavior.
"You are insane!" Cordelia exclaimed with a frown.
"That makes two of us then." Buffy ackowledged.
"I am not going to punch you no matter how tempting that sounds." Cordy coldly denied, staring at Buffy with an unreadable expression on her face.
"Right." Buffy mumbled, grabbing the sword that was resting on the table beside her. "I hear you're much more comfortable with swords." She pointed the sword at Cordelia.
"Buffy put that down."
"What, scared?" Buffy challenged as her eyes remained surprisingly calm. "You know guilt has never looked good on you.and it's quite disturbing to tell you the truth." She confessed. "I know you've dreamed of cutting my head off once or twice - at the very least - so come on. This is your chance Cordelia." her tone was more demanding by the time she finished her sentence.
"I am not going to punch you or fight you alright!" cordelia shouted, staring at Buffy straight in the eyes. "First, because you would reduce me to shreds. I'm not that stupid. And second, because I don't want to hit you!" she lashed out, before turning her back on Buffy.
Buffy lowered the sword as an deep understanding spread across her serious face.
"No, because the person you want to hit is yourself." she said, her voice almost pleading for Cordelia to admit to it.
Cordy didn't answer. An awkward silence befell them and Cordy lowered her eyes and registered buffy's words. They just stayed there, silently, for a long time.
"What do you want?" Cordelia turned around, tears welling up in her eyes, but she stubbornly fought them back. "What?!!" she almost spitted in Buffy's face. "what did you come down here for, huh?? To see it for yourself? Well take a good look around!" Cordelia said, taking a step towards Buffy as the emotions in her voice mingled with anger. "Take a really good look so you can tell everyone just how pathetic and weak cordelia Chase has become. Everyone in SunnyHell is just going to LOVE that! Or maybe you just came here to tell me how stupid I am." she went on one of her breathless rant, not waiting for Buffy to reply. "What?? You want to shout, to yell, to throw things?? Go right ahead! But just cut the useless crap, alright." her voice now heartbreakingly shaky. "We've never been friends - and quite honestly I never really wanted to be - so let's just stop the fake bonding here and just tell me what you want. What is it that you want from me?"
The tears in Cordelia's eyes silenced Buffy for a moment.
"If you want to blame me for killing the supposed love of your life, then be my guest! But whatever you came down here for, just get it over with and leave me the hell alone."
"I didn't come here to blame you.." Buffy replied, taken aback and amazed all at the same time by Cordelia's words.
"I drove a stake through his heart." Cordy emphasized, as they both stared at one another intensely. "How weak is that?" she whispered, almost to herself.
"Weak?" buffy repeated as her features softened with sadness. "You think what you did was weak??" a few tears welled up in Buffy's eyes. "He would have killed you." She said in a shaky breath. "You did what I was never able to do, Cordelia. That doesn't make you weak. If anything, it makes you stronger." Buffy said, in a surprisingly honest tone.
The two of them simply stared at one another in complete silence. Their barriers and anger slowly began to vanish as a silent understanding crept between the two. Buffy was the only one who could understand Cordelia's inner turmoil. They both knew that. They also knew that right now, fighting wasn't going to help anything. So they stood there, in an absence of words that seemed comforting to both of them.
After a few seconds, Cordelia felt the familiar rush through her veins. It was slightly different, but still familiar enough for her to know what was coming. She saw the flashes of light behind her eyes and instinctively leaned against the table beside her.
Angel looked into her eyes and then lowered them to the beauty of her bare shoulders. Slowly, with a gentleness unknown to himself, he traced an invisible line on her skin with his cold fingers. He let his fingers slip under the strap of her white top and slow, ever so slowly, he pulled it down.
Then an image of Emily dying in her arms invadedher brain, followed by an intense image of Angel, standing before her, helplessly tending his hand forward as if asking for help. That image of Angel quickly dissolved into an image of Emily doing the same gesture, then Buffy, and then, in a dramatic twist, one of herself. She was staring at herself.
And then nothing.
Cordelia opened her eyes, stunned by the vision she had just been sent.
"Are you okay?" Buffy quickly asked with concern.
"yeah. Painless.almost." Cordy mumbled.
There was a long pause as Buffy examined Cordelia's shocked face. Cordy carefully leaned her back against the wall and let herself slowly sit down on the floor. Silently, Buffy sat down beside her.
"I keep seeing her." Cordy said, burrying her face in her hands momentarily. "everywhere."
"Is she the only one you see?" Buffy asked.
Cordelia's painful silence served as her only answer, and they both knew what it meant. No need for words. For the first time in their lives, cordelia and Buffy seemed to be on the same page, emotionally at least. And a certain compassion inhabited them both.
"He convinced you, didn't he?" Buffy whispered as she met Cordy's eyes. "That everything would be fine."
"I guess I forgot that whenever Angel uses that phrase that never includes him." Cordy nodded, staring in front of her as their conversation became more honest and calmer.
"That's Angel for you." Buffy smiled as she stared into space too, probably lost in her own memories. She then turned to catch a glimpse of Cordelia's profile and breathed deeply. "There's nothing you could have done, you know.He would have found a way to save you. No matter what." Buffy paused as Cordelia looked at her silently. "You were too important to him. I know that. He told me." She added in an honesty foreign to either of them until now.
"You don't have to say these things." Cordy softly offered, looking away for a moment.
"I do." She offered. "I know it won't make you feel any better. But you and I both know Angel's always wanted to be the hero. The one to save the people he loved, no matter what."
"I don't feel saved." Cordelia whispered, almost to herself.
"It'll come." Buffy smiled softly.
There was a long silence that followed their calm exchange.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier." Cordy finally spoke, hesitantly. Who ever thought she would say that to Buffy Summers.
"Forget it. Just a little flashback that proved you haven't gone totally softy on me just yet." Buffy replied with a simple understanding. "I'll survive." She smiled.
Both, Buffy and Cordelia smiled quietly as they kept on staring into the darkness.
"It was so much easier to hate you when you were just tactless bitchy Cordelia Chase." Buffy then confessed, shaking her head almost in amazement. "It was almost comforting to know I could always hate you." She smiled to herself in rememberance. "Now you make it so damn hard not to actually [I]like[/I] you."
"Sorry my layers got in the way of your comfort."
"That's not what I meant." Buffy quickly replied.
"I know." Cordelia smiled, genuinely for the most part.
They both paused, looking away from each other, leaning their backs against the wall behind them. They seem to take comfort in their shared silence all of a sudden. Buffy then raised an eyebrow and turned to face Cordy.
"Was that bonding? Did we bond? Were we actually bonding?" she asked, almost shocked by her own admission.
"I won't tell if you don't." Cordy quickly answered.
"Deal." Buffy agreed hurriedly.
Another short silence invaded the room as the two sat there on the floor. After a couple of seconds, Cordelia looked down and noticed the chain hanging around her neck. Emily's little chain. Her necklace. She slowly reached to touch it with the tip of her fingers and took it in her hand. She softly un-fastened it from her neck and held it in front of her for a little while. Buffy noticed the gesture and watched, curiously.
"What's that?" Buffy asked.
Cordelia paused, her eyes filling with emotions.
"Nothing." She replied, trying to be emotionless but in vain.
Cordelia threw the necklace on the floor in front of them, as thoughts of Emily ran through her mind.
As soon as the necklace hit the floor, a bright flash of yellow light sprung from the floor and blinded them both. Buffy and Cordy found themselves shielding their faces from the bright light for a moment. A warmth invaded the training room, leaving nothing untouched. When both girls opened their eyes, all they saw was the woman standing in front of them.
Buffy's face dropped while Cordelia's stared in amazement.
They both froze, unable to form any coherent phrase.
"Mrs. Summers." Cordelia mumbled through her shock.
Buffy stood motionless by Cordelia's side.
"Mom?" she whispered.
