I'm trying hard to bring you back to joy
I'll give you my heart
Give you my shoulder
I give you my heart
Give you my shoulder
When the night just cuts you through
And the dream is lost to you
When you're worried and confused"
-- Heather Nova, "Heart and Shoulder"
Now that she was getting better, Tara was growing more.....well..bored wasn't the right word..... She found herself feeling a bit more lonely. She wished she could get more conversation out of Holtz....though she wasn't completely sure why. Not to mention that there really was nothing to clean...
Really, her problem was that there was nothing to do here, she was all but healed, and she had no company. She needed to get out, find a new job and a new apartment... all of which were much easier said than done with no money. And she had the sinking suspicion she'd be more lonely in an apartment that she even was in the tomb where she was currently staying. How depressing.....
Holtz (what kind of a name was Holtz, anyway? Was that a first name? A last name? An only name, like Sting or Cher?) was the best company she'd found in LA so far, though she had to think a bit to figure out why. If nothing else, he was considerbly nicer than the men she had encountered her so far...and....although monosyllabic for the most part, he did talk to her occasionally... Still at least, he was there. At least he was around. She really missed Dawn, Willow, and the Scooby gang.... What was she going to do with no one and nothing? She was not looking forward to that either. It was a lose-lose situation no matter what happened.
He wasn't mean, she realized after a while, or cruel or petty. He was just indifferent. And tired, she thought. He had that same sort of indifference that Buffy had had, and Giles, after they'd all had a particularly rough week. The kind of tired you got from seeing and doing too much. Seeing too many people close to you die.
Tara sighed. There wasn't much she could do anyway, until he came back. He knew the way out of the underground rooms, and she didn't. Inevitably, he would get rid of her. She was a freeloader and had done nothing really to make keeping her around worthwhile. She curled up on the bed. She really didn't want to go back to Sunnydale and try to make things the way they had been.. before....
She didn't notice he was there until his shadow was falling across her face. He'd walked up silently, the way he did when he wasn't paying attention. She was a bit startled but hid it well and concentrated on the stone pillar near the bed.
"You should go back to your family," he told her with no preamble whatsoever. "They'll be worried about you by now."
Tara sighed heavily. Family? What family? No one was probably worried about her either... "I...I don't really have one, but...."
He blinked. That hadn't been the expected response. "Your guardian, then..." She shook her head.
"I don't really have a guardian either."
"Husband?" he asked tentatively. She seemed a bit young, but....
Tara chuckled. "No....I don't really have anyone...at the moment..."
This really genuinely seemed to confuse him. "But... how... where do you live? With whom do you stay?" He sounded concerned, the first emotion she'd heard in his voice in... ever.
"I....Well, my friends...I left..because...it was better that way. And...I don't really have anything...not even extra clothes anymore. And no job yet, but...I'll get one..." She said trying to be optimistic.
Holtz frowned. This wasn't the way things worked. At least, it wasn't the way things used to work. Not everything had changed for the better in 227 years. "You live alone... no family? No one...? In this entire... city?" He frowned even more. "If you leave here... where will you go?"
"No," she said softly. "Umm....well, I'll find a job and...ummm...I'll find somewhere to stay for....I really don't know..." She concluded miserably. "I should have planned this much better than I did," she said attempting to make light of the situation and failing oh so miserably..
"You have nowhere to stay, no place of employment, no friends or relatives with whom you can stay," he repeated bluntly, his voice back to the usual expressionless tone she'd grown used to.
"No," she said timidly. He walked around to face her and stared at her with intense scrutiny. Tara blinked and met his gaze briefly before looking down at the floor. He watched her, seeming to assess her down to her soul and her bare feet. Finally he sighed.
"Well, there's no other way, then..."
She waited uncertainly....unsure what would be worse....and...not wanting to impose on him... or..to be kicked out by him. She wasn't sure what she wanted anymore. She closed her eyes and waited for him to finish.
"... if you've nowhere else to go I suppose you'll have to stay here." He turned around and walked over to the desk, staring at the computer for several minutes before shaking his head and stepping back from it.
Tara blinked and cried silently....Why was he....."T-thank you," she said shakily closing her eyes again.
He didn't move. Standing over at another end of the room seemed like the safer option for him at the moment.
She calmed down after a few minutes and wiped at her eyes... "I...I'll still find a job and then I can pay you or something...or..leave or..whatever you want me to do...I can clean or cook or...."
He held up a hand to stop the torrent of words that was threatening to drown his sensibilities. "We'll... discuss it later." He walked a little further away, hunching over in on himself even more so than usual.
Tara nodded wiping at her eyes again. "I'm sorry...just.....I..I really...I'm really grateful." He nodded slowly, still not turning around or saying anything. "And I'll come up with things to say other than 'I'm sorry' and 'Thank you.' I promise," she said managing a weak smile.
He actually chuckled at that, straightening up a little. It was a rusty chuckle; he hadn't had anything to laugh at in years. But she was so earnest, so ... open, eager, and young, that he couldn't help but smile. She smiled back brightly, unspoken gratitude still shining in her eyes. She really had to repay him for this...somehow.
***
Tara grew a bit worried in addition to confused as he grew more withdrawn. Tara grew a bit worried in addition to confused as he grew more quiet. She watched him uncertainly trying to control her aggitation, but finding it difficult. Was he unhappy that she was staying? She didn't have to stay if that was the case.
Not that she really knew where she'd go, but she could find somewhere. There was always somewhere, battered women's shelter or something. With her scars, she could certainly claim someone had beaten her up. Or maybe even a shelter... she thought of the sorts that usually stayed there and shivered. She sat down on the bed unsure what to say....
Holtz was sitting in front of the television screens, staring at them. This time the theme seemed to be bad evening teen drama shows. She recognized a few of them... Dawson's Creek, Charmed. She looked over at him hesitantly...How could...he watch that? At least that was amusing....not reassuring but amusing. He didn't seem to be amused by it though. If anything he looked vaguely horrified and sickened, inasmuch as any expression ever crossed his face. Tara frowned. Maybe he was....sick..or....just sad. She frowned feeling like she'd been rather selfish. "Are...are you okay?" she asked gently.
He kept staring at the television screens. "How do you live like this?" he asked after a long while. "Is this what the world has come to, now?"
Tara was a bit confused but more concerned with how sad he seemed. Relatively speaking of course. "I...Some of us try not to. Those...are just...terrible programs. They're not that true to life."
He was silent for a long while. "The world has changed... a great deal. While I slept." He kept watching the programs, marathon long sessions of the stupid things, it looked like. Or maybe just video tapes.
Tara wondered if he would continue, but tried to piece together what he meant on her own.... "I....Will..you be all right though?" she asked in a concerned tone of voice. That actually did make him glance around at her, confused. "I...I know it's probably not any of my business....but....if there's anything..I could do...." Tara trailed off.
He sighed heavily and turned back to the television screens. "The world became this way over two centuries. Nothing you could do would change it now." His voice was dry, cynical, and extremely bitter.
Tara was tempted to give him a hug, but instead softly walked over to where he was. She hesitated momentraily, then tentatively and very lightly placed her hand over his...unsure what else to say...or what to do. He blinked a second, stared up at her, confused and almost indignant, though his eyes remained sad... and old.
She gulped softly but....he looked so lonely. She sat down next to his chair and leaned against the arm of it keeping her hand on his. He sighed, passing his free hand over his eyes in a gesture of weariness. He did leave his hand in hers, though whether he took comfort in it was anyone's guess. "Your world is so different..." he said softly, possibly not meaning for her to hear.
Tara's eyes shimmered as she tried to think of something to do for him. "I....I'm sorry...." Great...back to that line again.
He patted her hand in a vaguely fatherly way. "You are not responsible for everything in the world. Don't be sorry."
"Still...." Tara said....trying to come up with something comforting.... He shrugged, withdrawing back into himself. The sitcoms kept playing on the screens, showing all the teenagers having rampant sex with each other, rape, teen pregnancy, drugs, car accidents. Angst, angst, angst. Neglectful mothers, dead-beat and alcoholic fathers... "You shouldn't watch this," Tara said softly. "It won't help..."
Holtz gave a dry chuckle, without any humor in it. "Sahjhan recommended I accustom myself to the world as it is today. Apparently these... " he gestured at the wall of televisions "things are stories told from life, like books or the theater...." he trailed off, as though the conclusion should be obvious.
"He's a demon. He wants you to be miserable," Tara said unhappily. "And he's doing a good job of it too."
This time he did laugh, a hollow and empty laugh. "That... was not that particular demon's doing."
Tara looked confused and very sad. "Oh.....but....you can't dwell on this forever. You should...try to be happy...I said the wrong thing again, didn't I?" Tara said miserably moving her hand away from his. She wondered why he even was letting her stay.
He turned and stared at her, puzzled. "Now, why the concern?"
Tara blinked a bit startled. "I....You..looked like you needed....some...I don't know....but you looked...sad..."
He stared at her for a bit more, and then he actually smiled a bit, sadly but vaguely amused. "You have a charitable heart," he said softly, almost more to himself than anything.
Tara flushed. "I....Well, it's the least I can do....you've been very kind to me...." He made a noncommittal shrug, said nothing. Emotions, it seemed, were either alien to him or very rusty with disuse. She placed her hand back on his and smiled sadly studying his features rather than looking at the television screen. He was probably old enough to be her father, but the way he acted... so out of place with the world... made him seem almost childlike. He was amazed at things she took for granted, like the shows of iniquity that were teen dramas, or the coldness and loneliness of being on one's own in LA.
She resolved that she would have to find a way to introduce him to happier things...what few there were. He really needed some semblance of happiness in his life. One of the screens flickered and went dark. Another one changed programs after a few minutes. Dawson's Creek became 7th Heaven, and early episodes of it, too. Back when it was practically beating the viewer over the head with good Christian family values.
Tara shuddered. "You really don't want to watch this show. It's corny and hokey. Not to mention disgustingly...bleech.... Trust me...it's horrible." He blinked and gave her an odd, uncomprehending look. She would have sworn he was mouthing the words back at her as though he didn't understand what they meant. "Ummm....." Tara looked confused.. "Well...I mean, it's all sickeningly sweet and cliche."
Loud noises from the televisions distracted him. It looked like one of the standard cliche plots: child in danger, big family drama. Lots of crying and hugging. Tara sighed. "Told you so." Holtz didn't say anything, only made some sort of choked-off noise that might have been a laugh or a sob. Tara really wanted to give him a hug.....
He stood up abruptly, shoving the chair back and turning off the televisions with a violent jab of the buttons. He started stalking to the opposite side of the room, slowing down as he reached a piller, stopping and staring at it for a second before slamming it hard with a fist. He seemed to have forgotten she was there entirely. Tara backed off a bit startled and looked after him worriedly before moving over towards him slowly.
Holtz just stood there, leaning against the pillar, not moving. Uncertainly and hesitantly, she placed her hand on his fist and gave him a loose hug...unsure how he would react. She remained the way she was, unsure what to do.... After a while she began to hum softly. Lullabyes, she was starting to think, solved everything.
She let her voice trail off after a few verses wishing she could think of a better solution than apologizing and singing... After a short while he patted her hand absently, and walked a little ways away. She looked off after him sadly. She wondered if the demon was responsible for his unhappiness..or who the other demon he had mentioned briefly was. "Is there anything else I can do?" she asked in a voice slightly above a whisper.
"I'm afraid not," he said, in a voice choked with more emotion than she'd seen in him in all the time she'd spent in his company lumped together.
"I wish there was," she said gently feeling terrible for him. He really didn't deserve to be miserable. He shuddered slightly, then straightened up, seeming to pull himself together. She kept an eye on him but moved back slightly to allow him more space. He had been so kind to her though. She really hoped she could repay him.....perhaps this was her chance...
After a short moment he turned back to her, his mouth quirked up in what might actually have been a smile. She didn't think she'd ever seen him smile before. "You'll make a beautiful mother, someday. You worry so unobtrusively."
She smiled back flushing slightly. "Well, you were so kind to me, it's the least I can do.....and...." She shrugged not sure what she had been going to add. He tipped his head to one side questioningly, waiting for her 'and.' "I haven't had anyone to worry about lately," she added after he looked at her.
This time she was fairly sure he smiled, but it was gone quickly. "And you need someone to worry about?"
She smiled. "It's nice to have someone to worry about...."
He frowned slightly, and then his expression cleared as he understood what she meant. His eyes grew distant again, and sad. "Yes..." he said quietly. "I suppose it is." He stood there for another few moments and then went to the weapons chest, starting to take weapons out of it, preparing for the usual nightly routine.
Tara watched him do so though she was not big on weapons and wasn't sure that going vampire hunting was such a good idea. Maybe after she found a job and such she could get him to take night off from the slaying. He probably could use it. His movements were quick, sharp. She wasn't sure if he was angry or just upset. "Are you sure you're up to that tonight?" She asked hesitantly.
He looked back at her. The vaguely-grumpy expressionless mask was back on, and no trace of the vulnerable, tired old man was there at all anymore. "Why?"
"I.....It....just seems...like....I mean....maybe you should....." He waited for her to spit it out. "Relax...or something..."
He stared at her for a bit, then walked out, saying something that sounded vaguely like "I have work to do." or something equally Batman-esque. Tara sighed. She hadn't expected anything else from him...Buffy never relaxed either. Especially not when her emotional life was all messy. She supposed she shouldn't have expected Holtz to do anything different. She could try again some other night. She wasn't sure what, or how, or why she was going to try, but she was going to. She knew that much.
