What's there to say? I don't own it. I never have, never will. I've never met anyone who does, and I doubt that they would be writing such crummy fan fiction about it. Now, for the next chapter of Ranma ½ WHAT?!
***
The blue-haired Amazon growled and glanced back and forth. It was hard enough to track the directionless idiot girl who Shampoo had sworn to kill without the crowds blocking her vision. She scampered up a tree in an effort to get a better view, but Ryoga was nowhere in sight. Of course, there was a boy who looked disturbingly like Ryoga, and even wore the same clothes. Of course, this was a tall boy with brown hair, and he was talking animatedly with a pigtailed boy. Shampoo had never seen either of them before, so didn't think much of the sight. Instead, she looked down at a piece of paper she held in her hands, which she had picked up while following Ryoga.
It appeared to be a map. A really crummy map. Of course, this didn't surprise Shampoo much, considering how often Ryoga got lost. At least, Shampoo assumed she was lost. It was entirely possible that Ryoga was yelling, "Where on earth am I now?!" just to throw Shampoo off her trail. Shampoo shook her head. This didn't really matter now. She had to find someone. Apparently his house was around here somewhere. Ranma Saotome, she believed he was called. Ryoga muttered about him so much, saying that all her problems were Ranma's fault. If she could find Ranma, she could probably find Ryoga. Heh, maybe this "Ranma" was an old boyfriend of Ryoga's. In any case, they seemed to hate each other a lot, and Ranma would most likely be willing to help Shampoo get revenge.
Shampoo leapt from the tree branch and landed gracefully on the ground, startling a couple of guys who were walking below.
"You know Ranma Saotome?" Shampoo asked. They nodded dumbly. "Where he live?"
"T-Tendo Dojo-"
"Shampoo thank boys!" And with that, she hurried to find the spot.
***
"WHAT?" Ranma asked Akane. "Are you INSANE? This guy's trying to kill me!"
"Come on, Ranma. He doesn't have anywhere to stay. You were so mean to him in middle school, why can't you let him share your room?"
"Whaddid I do?! It's not like I beat him up and stole his lunch-"
"No, you just bounced off his head and took it when he was about to catch it. Every day. You owe him."
"Don't worry, Akane. I don't want to be any trouble-"
"You aren't. Ranma's the problem."
This conversation was cut tragically short by way of poorly aimed sprinkler.
"BWEEEE!" "P-chan" said indignantly.
"Aww, man. Anybody got some hot water?"
"Don't worry, you can change back when we get home," Akane reassured her. "And as for you-"
"Oh, my bandanna-clad goddess!" said a quite familiar moron.
"Eep," said Ryoga.
"And the lovely Akane Tendo, also. Where might you be going on such a fine afternoon?"
"Sorry, Kuno, but we've got to get home and get Ryoga and P-chan some hot water," Akane said hurriedly, and dragged the two cursed boys along behind her, leaving Kuno to puzzle over her statement.
***
Shampoo checked the sign by the door, just to make sure this was, in fact, the Tendo Dojo. The natives didn't seem to appreciate people entering their homes via large holes in the wall and yelling about someone named Ryoga and how said person was going to kill aforementioned Ryoga.
Yes, this was, in fact, the Tendo Dojo, Shampoo noted before proceeding to enter by way of her standard bashing the wall, only slowly enough to give them time to ponder what was happening to the wall, and if their insurance would cover it. Of course, not long enough for one to snap out of shock and run for their life. No, that would defeat the entire purpose of the whole procedure. Someone more reasonable and not bent on killing Ryoga might suggest that it might be more efficient to wait by the door until Ryoga happened to come outside. However, there were two things wrong with this. First of all, with Ryoga's sense of direction, there was no saying she would ever find the door. Second, it wasn't Amazon tradition. The poor fool who mentioned it would probably have his thoughts straightened out by way of bonbori applied at high velocity to the head.
Dismayed to see an empty room, Shampoo listened carefully and vaguely heard sounds of fighting coming from a room down the hall. Smirking, she silently made her way down the hall and crept into the room - only to be hit in the head and knocked unconscious by a startled-looking pigtailed teen.
***
Minutes before…
All curses negated, Ranma, Ryoga, and Akane sat on the floor in the dojo.
"Okay, Ryoga. We'll settle this now. Whoever wins, that's the end of it. You stop trying to kill me, and everything will be normal. No midnight attacks or ambushes on the way to school, okay?"
Ryoga nodded, eager to get this settled. Akane moved out of the way and watched, fascinated, as the boys assumed their stances.
Ranma was the first to attack, aiming a punch at Ryoga's face. Ryoga ducked, and sent Saotome flying. Ranma landed on his feet and launched a kick, which Ryoga was barely able to dodge. Ranma tried to stop, but wasn't able to before connecting with someone who had just entered the room…
"Sh-shampoo! What's SHE doing here?"
"Is she okay?" asked a concerned Akane.
"Oh, man! I've got to get out of here before she wakes up!"
"Why, Ryoga? Something you're not telling us?" asked Ranma.
"This is Shampoo. I met her in a village near Jusenkyo. She wants to kill me!"
"Why?"
"Well…"
Now, we view a flashback. Female Ryoga trudged along a path, staring at a map obviously made by her. Basically, a bunch of squiggly lines with the names of random locations on various continents sprinkled across the face.
"Hmmm… This must be Florida!" Ryoga stated triumphantly. Nerima was just three meters to the… Huh. Maybe this wasn't Florida at all.
"Excuse me, can you tell me the way to Nerima?" Ryoga asked one of the natives. She looked back at Ryoga as if she couldn't understand a word Ryoga was saying. Ryoga sighed. She didn't speak much Chinese. She had to learn a bit once she found her way home. She could remember they had a Japanese-Chinese dictionary at home, and it never hurt to learn how to ask for directions in various languages if you were a Hibiki. She turned, hoping to get a clear view of where the heck she was. In doing this, she unwittingly hit one of the native women with her extremely heavy backpack.
Ryoga quickly bent down to see if she was all right and to apologize profusely, but she seemed to be unconscious. However, she woke up within moments, staring at Ryoga's face. Ryoga began to feel as though she was in a whole lot of trouble. The girl stated something in Chinese, which Ryoga, of course, didn't understand a word of. Noticing Ryoga's incomprehension, she called out something else and a small, withered old lady hopped over on a cane. The girl whispered something to the old woman, who nodded and spoke in perfect Japanese.
"Child, my great-granddaughter Shampoo says you have defeated her in combat. Is this true?"
"N-no! Of course not! I accidentally hit her with my backpack, that's all."
The old woman sighed and shook her head, then told Shampoo something in Chinese. Shampoo nodded and got up. She then grabbed Ryoga and kissed her.
"Wha?!" said a now extremely confused Ryoga, pushing her away.
"That was the Kiss of Death," said the old crone helpfully. "Because you, an outsider, defeated one of our clan, Shampoo must now track you down to the ends of the earth and kill you. I suggest you run."
Ryoga took the suggestion and ran like heck, Shampoo on her tail.
***
By the time the story was over, Shampoo was stirring.
"Well, see you!" said Ryoga nervously, getting ready to run.
"Wait! She doesn't have anything against your boy type, right? It doesn't matter if she sees you," Akane reasoned.
"Who kick me?" Shampoo asked, glaring at the three of them.
"I-I did it," said Ranma nervously. Of course, this anxiety was not unfounded, as Shampoo glomped him and kissed him passionately. Akane and Ryoga just stood there, staring. The kiss went on for about ten more seconds before Shampoo broke it.
"Wo ai ni," she said softly. Of course, it was doubtful that Ranma heard it, as he had been in shock since Shampoo had started the kiss. Upon being released, he fell stiffly to the floor. Ryoga and Akane stared.
"W-wait a minute! Don't you have to kill him?" Ryoga asked.
"Is male. That Kiss of Marriage." At this, Ryoga wondered whether or not to be disappointed that she didn't know about his curse. Of course, it didn't really matter because Kasumi, who had been walking by with a bucket of cold water to wash the floor, tripped, spilling the contents all over Ryoga. Shampoo watched, wide-eyed.
"Ryoga is man? No is girl?"
"Uh…" Ryoga sputtered as Shampoo advanced on her and produced a kettle of hot water out of nowhere, dousing Ryoga with the steamy contents. Then, he found himself in her embrace and receiving another Kiss of Marriage. Then he, too, fell to the floor, nose bleeding.
Ranma's brain finally registered what had happened, and he leapt to his feet. "Hey! I'm not marrying you! You just showed up out of nowhere and-"
"And what, airen?"
"And… and we should get to know each other better first!" Ranma continued nervously.
'What about me?' Akane thought furiously. Of course, her anger turned to a smirk as Ryoga nailed Ranma in the back of the head with a squirt gun, and he turned into a pig.
"Husband is pig?!" Shampoo exclaimed. "This complicate things. Must go see Great-Grandmother to see what Amazon law say about curses. And what about Kiss of Death and Kiss of Marriage? Shampoo confused. No worry! Be back soon!" And just as suddenly as she had appeared, Shampoo vanished through her handmade doorway.
Akane hurried into the kitchen and returned with a kettle, which she threw at Ranma while looking away.
"Owww… Hey, Ryoga! She's gone," Ranma called, pulling on his clothes. Ryoga still showed no signs of consciousness. Ranma smacked his face around a little, then went to retrieve a glass of cold water. If that wouldn't wake him up, nothing would.
SPLOOSH! "Hey, what was that for?" asked a somewhat disoriented female Ryoga.
"She's gone," Ranma repeated.
"Wait a minute! Why didn't you tell her you're already engaged to Akane?!"
"I dunno. Maybe because she'd KILL ME IF I DID!"
"Either way, how can you call yourself Akane's fiancé?"
"Don't worry, Ryoga. This engagement isn't going to continue, anyway! It's just a stupid arrangement made by our parents. Neither one of us plans on actually-"
"You actually thought I'd marry a tomboy like her? If you want her, you can have her!"
"That's not what I meant!" exclaimed Ryoga, blushing crimson.
"Honestly, Ranma. Do you really have to be such a jerk?" With this, Akane threw a bucket of cold water at his head. A small pig peeked out from under the bucket and glared at her. Akane lifted the bucket and held the pig up in the air.
"Aww, did I hurt you, P-chan? I'm sorry…" she said, only halfway sarcastically, as the piglet struggled out of her grasp and dashed towards the bathroom to change back. Akane giggled softly.
"Uh, well, I've got homework to do. Can you show me the way to my room?" requested an embarrassed Ryoga.
"Oh, of course. Just up the stairs, to the left-"
"Uh, could you just lead me there? I sort of have trouble with directions…"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Sure!" Akane took her hand and led her to the room she would be sharing with the Saotomes. "Oh, and the bathroom's right here. Do you think you can find it?" Akane asked.
"I think so…"
"Good! I have some homework to do, too. See you at dinner!"
"Yeah." Ryoga shut the door behind her and began to attempt to find the location of her sleeping bag. Changing back could wait. She was tired, and had things to think about as well as schoolwork.
***
Okay, I know. Crummy ending. But hey, at least I've made it this far! I still don't know exactly how long it's going to be, or what all the pairings are. Of course, even if I did, I wouldn't be telling you because it would spoil the SUSPENSE! (cough, cough) Okay. Keep looking for more chapters, and, as always, review!
