Two weeks gone by and the drinking feels as good as ever. It's probably the most relieving thing I've ever done, and right now I can't remember why I quit. It makes me numb, which is exactly what I need. I can't handle this loneliness. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my best friend. Maybe if I'd just kissed Carter by the bridge that day when he told me how he felt, none of this would have happened. Sure, I still wouldn't have Luka, but at least I would have Carter. Then again, I'm sure he would've just dumped me the second he saw Dr. Lewis anyway. Why'd she have to come back? Why now, when my life was finally good?
I know. God was reminding me that I don't deserve to be happy. I'm meant to go through life unnoticed and die alone. It sucks. Why can't I get hit by a bus and have it done with. Maybe there's something more for me. I doubt it.
I'm laying on my couch right now. My shift's only been over and hour, but I'm nice and drunk already. The TV's on, but I have no idea what the show's about, or even what show is on. I just like the noise and the light. The TV is the only light on in my home. There's two bottles sitting beside me on the couch. One's empty, the other's on it's way to getting that way.
I've never been alone. My whole life I've been taking care of someone; Eric, my mom, Richard, Luka. Well, at least I tried with the latter two. They didn't need me. I guess Carter didn't need me either. No one needs me, so what's the point. There's no reason not to drink, but there's plenty of reasons why I should.
I decide to keep drinking until I fall asleep. Maybe I'll get lucky and not wake up.
~
"Hey Abby, are you all right? You look like you don't feel to good," Susan Lewis asked me as a poured myself some coffee in the lounge.
Yeah right. Like she actually thought I'd talk to her. Like she actually cares.
"I'm fine," I reply with a fake smile I had recently perfected. "Just a little tired."
"Yeah, me too. Hopefully the coffee'll kick in soon. It's hard to function without it," she sang, trying to make small talk or something. Whatever. Like I care.
"Yeah, I know," I chirp back, being as friendly as humanly possible.
I don't know if she sensed my animosity, or if she really had to go, but she said she had to get to work and then left, leaving me alone to do my dirty work. I took the half full cup of coffee to my locker and opened it. Making sure there was no one around, I took a bottle of vodka out of my purse and poured it into the coffee cup, filling it almost to the brim. Coffee and vodka taste horrible together, but I'm desperate for alcohol, and this is the most subtle way I can think of to have some while at work. I had some before I left home, but not enough. The stress of seeing Carter, Luka and Dr. Lewis was a bit much. I needed a little pick-me-up in order to face them again.
I throw a stethescope around my neck and exit the lounge, sipping my coffee mixture as I walk down the hall. The taste about makes me cringe, but I'm carefull not to show my disgust outwardly, not wanting everyone to know that I'm not really drinking coffee. I then decide that the best plan of action is to drink it all at once. It's not like I care about savoring the flavor or anything, so I put the cup to my lips and sling my head back, letting the lukewarm pungent fluid pour down my throat. When I finish, a shiver goes through my body, but I don't think anyone notices.
Carter and Susan are laughing and holding hands at the admit desk, just like he and I used to do, though maybe without so much flirtation mixed in. I look to my right and see Luka comforting Nicole as she no doubt whines about some other tragedy in her life. Luka used to look at me that way. He was right. I acted like a spoiled high school girl who thought I could have whatever I wanted. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize what a good thing I had going with both these guys. I'm only now starting to appreciate it now that it's gone. I'm so fucked up. Why do I have to be so stupid and blind? Why can't I be a normal person?
I want them back so bad. I hate Susan Lewis. I hate Miss Everyone-feel-sorry-for-me Nicole. I just want to clobber them over the heads with an instrument tray.
That thought makes me smile.
"What's so funny?" Carter asks as he walks over to me. Apparently the blonde-winged angel has gone off to do some work.
"Nothing. I'm just remembering somthing I saw on a show last night," I lie, although I'm dying to tell him I find amusement in the thought of hitting his new crush over the head.
"What show?"
"I Love Lucy," I lie again. Hey, I'm getting good at this.
"Yeah, that was a funny show. Listen, can I talk to you for a second?"
"Why not?" I say, still smiling from my earlier thought.
"It's about Susan."
My smile dropped. I don't want to talk about her.
"Well, a lot of her friends from here have moved away, so she's kind of lonely. I told her what good friend we were and she mentioned that she'd like to get to know you better. So, if you'd do me a favor and just take some time to talk with her more. I know she's been trying to, and I also know that you're kind of shy. Just talk to her. You'll really like her once you get to know her. Please?"
He looks like a little kid beggin his friends to be nice to his girlfriend. Where the hell did he get off asking me something like that? Has he become completely oblivious to my feelings? Doesn't he know how hurtful he is asking me to do this?
"Well, from what I can see she has a lot of friends, Carter," I snap, unwillingly letting my anger get away with me.
"What's your problem lately Abby? You've been acting weird ever since Susan came back."
"So have you John. Things haven't been the same between us since she came back, so don't try to act like they are. Just, please, don't involve me with this. I don't need it."
I walk away, and he doesn't try to stop me. He's more stunned than anything. I know what he's thinking. 'She's jealous!' But I'm not jealous really, I just feel cast aside. I've been replaced without warning, and I'm having a harder time dealing with it than I though I would.
God, I want to cry. I need another drink, and I need it now.
I know. God was reminding me that I don't deserve to be happy. I'm meant to go through life unnoticed and die alone. It sucks. Why can't I get hit by a bus and have it done with. Maybe there's something more for me. I doubt it.
I'm laying on my couch right now. My shift's only been over and hour, but I'm nice and drunk already. The TV's on, but I have no idea what the show's about, or even what show is on. I just like the noise and the light. The TV is the only light on in my home. There's two bottles sitting beside me on the couch. One's empty, the other's on it's way to getting that way.
I've never been alone. My whole life I've been taking care of someone; Eric, my mom, Richard, Luka. Well, at least I tried with the latter two. They didn't need me. I guess Carter didn't need me either. No one needs me, so what's the point. There's no reason not to drink, but there's plenty of reasons why I should.
I decide to keep drinking until I fall asleep. Maybe I'll get lucky and not wake up.
~
"Hey Abby, are you all right? You look like you don't feel to good," Susan Lewis asked me as a poured myself some coffee in the lounge.
Yeah right. Like she actually thought I'd talk to her. Like she actually cares.
"I'm fine," I reply with a fake smile I had recently perfected. "Just a little tired."
"Yeah, me too. Hopefully the coffee'll kick in soon. It's hard to function without it," she sang, trying to make small talk or something. Whatever. Like I care.
"Yeah, I know," I chirp back, being as friendly as humanly possible.
I don't know if she sensed my animosity, or if she really had to go, but she said she had to get to work and then left, leaving me alone to do my dirty work. I took the half full cup of coffee to my locker and opened it. Making sure there was no one around, I took a bottle of vodka out of my purse and poured it into the coffee cup, filling it almost to the brim. Coffee and vodka taste horrible together, but I'm desperate for alcohol, and this is the most subtle way I can think of to have some while at work. I had some before I left home, but not enough. The stress of seeing Carter, Luka and Dr. Lewis was a bit much. I needed a little pick-me-up in order to face them again.
I throw a stethescope around my neck and exit the lounge, sipping my coffee mixture as I walk down the hall. The taste about makes me cringe, but I'm carefull not to show my disgust outwardly, not wanting everyone to know that I'm not really drinking coffee. I then decide that the best plan of action is to drink it all at once. It's not like I care about savoring the flavor or anything, so I put the cup to my lips and sling my head back, letting the lukewarm pungent fluid pour down my throat. When I finish, a shiver goes through my body, but I don't think anyone notices.
Carter and Susan are laughing and holding hands at the admit desk, just like he and I used to do, though maybe without so much flirtation mixed in. I look to my right and see Luka comforting Nicole as she no doubt whines about some other tragedy in her life. Luka used to look at me that way. He was right. I acted like a spoiled high school girl who thought I could have whatever I wanted. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize what a good thing I had going with both these guys. I'm only now starting to appreciate it now that it's gone. I'm so fucked up. Why do I have to be so stupid and blind? Why can't I be a normal person?
I want them back so bad. I hate Susan Lewis. I hate Miss Everyone-feel-sorry-for-me Nicole. I just want to clobber them over the heads with an instrument tray.
That thought makes me smile.
"What's so funny?" Carter asks as he walks over to me. Apparently the blonde-winged angel has gone off to do some work.
"Nothing. I'm just remembering somthing I saw on a show last night," I lie, although I'm dying to tell him I find amusement in the thought of hitting his new crush over the head.
"What show?"
"I Love Lucy," I lie again. Hey, I'm getting good at this.
"Yeah, that was a funny show. Listen, can I talk to you for a second?"
"Why not?" I say, still smiling from my earlier thought.
"It's about Susan."
My smile dropped. I don't want to talk about her.
"Well, a lot of her friends from here have moved away, so she's kind of lonely. I told her what good friend we were and she mentioned that she'd like to get to know you better. So, if you'd do me a favor and just take some time to talk with her more. I know she's been trying to, and I also know that you're kind of shy. Just talk to her. You'll really like her once you get to know her. Please?"
He looks like a little kid beggin his friends to be nice to his girlfriend. Where the hell did he get off asking me something like that? Has he become completely oblivious to my feelings? Doesn't he know how hurtful he is asking me to do this?
"Well, from what I can see she has a lot of friends, Carter," I snap, unwillingly letting my anger get away with me.
"What's your problem lately Abby? You've been acting weird ever since Susan came back."
"So have you John. Things haven't been the same between us since she came back, so don't try to act like they are. Just, please, don't involve me with this. I don't need it."
I walk away, and he doesn't try to stop me. He's more stunned than anything. I know what he's thinking. 'She's jealous!' But I'm not jealous really, I just feel cast aside. I've been replaced without warning, and I'm having a harder time dealing with it than I though I would.
God, I want to cry. I need another drink, and I need it now.
