Order Harry and The Phoenix of the Potter (that's not it…)
Phoenix Potter and The Order of the Harry (still not it…)
Harry Phoenix and The Order of the Potter (something still doesn't look right…)
Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix (got it… I hope…)
Chapter Two
(I'm not even going to bother this time) The Next Stupid Chapter, Also One The Author Couldn't Think Up A Name For
Harry's heart stopped in his chest and the air was sucked out of his lungs. He couldn't believe the headline he was reading; it couldn't be true, could it? He forced himself to start breathing again and read the article. His green eyes skimmed over it, picking up little phrases like, Sirius Black, escaped murderer… runaway from Azkaban…found badly beaten… barely identifiable… revealing dental test… relief for all society, magic and Muggle alike.
I don't believe it! Why did he have to die? He was almost as hot as Snape.
Fury and disbelief welled in Harry's body, Sirius couldn't be dead, it just wasn't possible. Whoever wrote the article was wrong; it was probably Rita Skeeter again, that was it. That stupid woman, who ruins people's lives for a living, she was the one who wrote these lies. Harry's eyes flew back to the article – written by special correspondent… Caesar Kaiser. He threw the newspaper across his room to hit his wardrobe with a loud bang. He didn't care if the Dursleys woke up; Uncle Vernon could come into his room right then and shout himself blue in the face before Harry gave a toss about them. Hedwig gave a loud hoot and pecked him on the foot again, signaling her head over to the window.
What could it be? Perhaps another stinky watch? Or Snape coming to tell you how much he still hates you?
'Not right now, Hedwig!' He shouted at his owl, who persisted to hoot indignantly until Harry finally jumped to his feet angrily and opened the window to shove her outside. 'Get out righ…'
A mass of brown feathers cut Harry off and knocked him backward into his desk. A disgruntled looking tawny owl settled itself next to Hedwig on the foot of Harry's bed and stuck out its leg impatiently. Harry scrambled to his feet and quickly untied the letter from the grumpy owl's leg, with fear that it might peck his fingers off if he didn't do it promptly and chucked the two owls some pellets as he unrolled the yellow parchment to read the green ink.
Dear Harry,
I don't know how long this will take to get to you, but I hope that you haven't begun to panic yet. I'm not dead, I am at Hogwarts. There's too much to explain on this parchment, I need to talk with you face to face as soon as possible. Albus is coming to get you and bring you here today, July 31st, so you need to have your things together by three o'clock this afternoon. I know you are supposed to be staying with Ron in August, but we have sent a letter to him explaining that you can't come, but he and his family are welcome to come back here for the rest of summer. I'm sorry I have to cut your vacation short, but it's imperative you come here. Send this owl back with a reply. We will see you in a few hours, until then, don't worry about this, just don't leave the house.
Sirius.
PS: Happy Birthday
YAY! Had me worried there, Sirius. Hold up, I control him too, don't I? I'm going slightly mad…
***
Harry snapped down the lid of his suitcase and set it next to his cauldron, which contained his books, Firebolt and Hedwig's cage. He could hear Uncle Vernon's booming laughter and Aunt Petunia's little snickering through the door. They would, of course, be even more pleased with getting Harry out of the house two days sooner.
So would I, stupid annoying fart… uh, never mind.
He ran down the stairs, unintentionally skipping every other step; his heart hadn't returned to its normal pace since he read the newspaper. Dudley and Sophie were sitting on the sofa, doing something that made Harry avert his eyes very quickly. Aunt Petunia came into the living room and set a plate of biscuits on the coffee table in front of them, giving Harry a cold look before she returned to the kitchen. Uncle Vernon was sitting at the table, his large, purple face completely hidden by The Daily Express. Another booming laugh echoed throughout the house.
Harry decided he wanted in on what Dudley and Sophie were doing, so he went back into the living room and started kissing Dudley passionately… no, I'm not allowed to do that, am I?
'Here's another good one, Petunia. A Rabbi, a Priest and a Bishop walk into a crematorium…' He lowered the newspaper. 'What do you want, boy?' He snapped at Harry.
'I just thought you'd like to know that I'm leaving today, instead of the second of August. The Headm…' He nearly said the Headmaster of Hogwarts, but held his tongue just in time. Any reference to his school would send Uncle Vernon flying through the roof. 'They're coming to get me at three o'clock this afternoon.'
'Fine. How are "they" getting here? I will not stand to have my fireplace blown apart by one of your sort again, understood?' Harry clenched his teeth. He knew full well that the fireplace had been fixed properly last time and that his uncle was just prejudiced against anyone magical. But, he didn't really know how Professor Dumbledore was going to be getting there. Certainly he knew enough about the Dursleys not to cause anything out of the ordinary?
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
'Don't worry…' He was cut off by Dudley and Sophie staggering into the room, hand in hand, looking very disorientated. Sophie's bleached-blonde hair had come down from its ponytail and was plastered to her dog-like face. Dudley's pink face was pinker than ever and his mop of thick, white-blonde hair was flying all over the place. Harry pretended to be fascinated with his feet to stop himself laughing.
Oo-er, look at my feet. They're fascinating because I'm Harry Potter. My feet are far more interesting than yours.
'Oh, Dinky Diddy-Dums, did you find the biscuits Mummy left you?' Aunt Petunia asked in her fake, sickeningly sugarcoated voice, as she placed a large plate of bacon and eggs in front of Uncle Vernon.
'Yeah, Mum, but they're chocolate biscuits. You know how I feel about chocolate, plus, I've got that big rugby game tonight. I'm gonna go all pasta today, you know, Coach likes me to keep my carbinohydrapes up.' Dudley might have been slimmer than before, but he was still dumb as a pig.
You can shove the bloody carbinohydrapes up Harry's ass…
'Ooh, my Dudley-kins is so buff!' Sophie cooed, causing Harry to nearly gag on his tongue. She glared at Harry with disgust, having heard the slight snicker he gave. 'Maybe Harry should make Dudley some spaghetti, Mrs. Dursley.'
OK, so Harry can shove the bloody carbinohydrapes up his own ass…
'Good idea, dear. You heard her, boy, go on, you know where we keep the pasta.' She snapped at him, while smiling kindly at Sophie. Harry sighed and proceeded to make Dudley's meal, thinking only of the somewhat happy thought of leaving in four hours. What could Sirius possible need to talk to him about that was so imperative? Why shouldn't he leave the house? Many questions fluttered around Harry's head, which he knew he couldn't answer, yet couldn't ignore.
The voices… in my head… ask me questions. Can you hear them? They are pretty and pink…
He had spent the last month worrying about Voldemort and the Death Eaters, as they had returned to full power. The newspapers had precious little news about this, if any, and Ron had heard nothing about it. Harry wondered why, if he now had all his strength back, Voldemort hadn't wreaked havoc on both magic and Muggle communities, like he had done years ago. He never showed any remorse for killing those countless many victims before, why was he not showing himself? Harry supposed he should be happy about this, yet he couldn't shake the idea that Voldemort was off planning some horrid scheme, far worse than anything imaginable.
'Back to earth, boy!' Came a thundering voice from behind Harry. 'Get your mind off the moon and back to my son's lunch!' A fizzing, hissing sound came from the stove and Harry realized the water in the pot had boiled over and was now all over his feet. He flicked the burner off and sopped the scalding water off the floor with a towel, which he shouldn't have done and soon realized as a screech cried out from the doorway.
Oh no! Poor Potter's precious feet (five points for alliteration).
'My good towels! How dare you…' Aunt Petunia wailed, sprinting over to Harry and wrenching the towel from his hands. She glowered at him, her lips pursed tightly over horse-like teeth. 'Go,' she hissed, barely moving her mouth. 'Stay in your room until your "friends" come to get you.'
Harry left the kitchen quite gladly and returned to his room, thinking that three o'clock couldn't come soon enough.
***
Harry sat on the edge of his bed, watching the little Daemon Sunderland flying around the room, and periodically glancing at his clock with impatience. The minutes were as long as hours and every second ticked by with anticipation. A little man on a tiny, golden broomstick was only so interesting and Harry was soon cracking open 'Flying With The Cannons' for the twentieth time. He watched as the Seeker in bright orange robes dove down the pitch and pulled up just in time to send the Bristol Banana's Seeker crashing into the ground. He itched to go have a good run on his Firebolt and practice the Wronski Feint, but he didn't want to disobey Sirius' orders or have Professor Dumbledore show up and have to wait with the Dursleys until he got back.
Bristol Bananas? I'm losing my touch.
Harry passed the time this way until his clock beeped two o'clock. Only one more hour left and then he would be out of Privet Drive for eleven months. Eleven months with no more Dudley and Sophie making out any time there was a spare room or Uncle Vernon snapping about his messy hair (which Aunt Petunia had refused to touch since he started going to Hogwarts, as if she was afraid it would burn her fingers off).
I wouldn't touch it either. Hasn't been washed in six months.
He sighed and flopped back on his bed. Hedwig hooted as the little Sunderland flew into the back of her head with a thud, apologized a squeaky 'sorry' and mounted his broom again. Harry grinned and closed his eyes, just for a minute, to think about what Sirius could possibly need to talk to him about. It wasn't a happy thought and his eyes were soon open and staring at the black birds through the window again.
Happy thoughts, he told himself. Think about happy things. He wondered who else would be at Hogwarts when he got there. Maybe Professor Lupin would have arrived already, as he and Sirius were friends; hopefully Snape wouldn't be there to make the rest of his summer as miserable as school time, besides, he hated both Sirius and Lupin. Unless, thought Harry, this had something to do with Voldemort, in which case, Snape would probably be there. He shuddered and decided he should stop thinking, as all his thoughts seemed to turn bad.
I'm surprised he thinks at all.
Another half an hour passed, three quarters of an hour, ten minutes to go. Harry got up and went to check his things and make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. The smelly watch was safely inside its sock in the cauldron, along with all his most prized belongings, except for the Invisibility Cloak, which was in his suitcase. Hedwig hooted reassuringly and flew over to his shoulder as he rummaged through his cauldron, mentally checking things off. The little Sunderland crashed into the side of the cauldron and fell of his broom.
Silly lad. I wonder if that hurt him…
'Hey, you'd better get back onto your stand before I leave, unless you want to be left here for the Dursleys to shove you in the trash compactor.' Harry told him and held out the stand for him to fly back onto. A small pop came from behind him, which he ignored, thinking it was coming from outside and continued to rummage through his things.
'Lord, Potter, will you turn around?' came a horribly familiar, slick and slimy voice that made Harry's heart stop dead in his chest as he slowly turned to face the monstrosity standing behind him, Professor Snape.
AH! YAY! What I would give to get Snape in my bedroom…
'What… are… you… doing… here?' He asked slowly, in a shaken voice.
To… kill… you…
'What do you think, Potter? I'm here with the God-awful task of picking you up, foolish boy. Dumbledore couldn't make it, so he sent me. Now get your things and lets get going.' Snape ordered, pointing his bony finger towards his cauldron. 'Bit of a shabby place you've got here. I'm sure you think it's nice, but it's quite common compared to the Snape Manor.' He commented acidly as Harry shoved the last couple things into his suitcase. 'Heard you don't really like these Muggles you live with, Potter. I pity them for having to put up with you in their home. You should be grateful, I wouldn't let you within a mile of my home...'
What I would give to get within a mile of Snape's home…
'Shut your filthy mouth!' Harry cried, trembling with anger. 'You'll wear your tongue out and we won't be able to mak passionately later on.'
OK, scratch that last bit.
'Oh, be quiet, Potter.' He muttered and rolled his eyes. 'Come on, we've got to go. Give me your hand.' He seized Harry's sleeve; Harry's reaction was to wrench his arm back, but Snape was too strong.
Snapey is so buff.
'What are you doing?' He demanded, still pulling his arm insistently.
Snape shook his head exasperatedly. 'I have to bind you to me so we can Apparate out of here, idiot boy. Hold still, will you?' He grasped Harry's hand into his own, with a definite shudder from both of them, and pointed his wand at them. 'Appareo necto nex.' He muttered, adding 'If Dumbledore would have just let me knock him out, this would be one hell of a lot easier.' A very fine golden thread flew from the tip his wand, twisting itself around their hands and binding them together.
Harry gave him a disgusted look. 'How long is this going to last?'
'Only a couple minutes,' he replied, returning the look with one equally disgusted. 'Hold onto your things, close your eyes and concentrate on Hogwarts. You have to concentrate hard, or we'll both get Splinched. Trust me, Potter, if you get me Splinched, you won't live to get the rest of your body back.'
Wonder which body part would get left behind… stop it, Mercury. Don't be so dirty!
Harry seized his cauldron and Snape grasped onto the handle of his suitcase. 'Hedwig, meet us at Hogwarts, all right?' Harry told his owl, who gave a positive hoot and flew out the window. He closed his eyes and concentrated on his school with all his might. A great pressure came upon him, as if his brain was going to be squished down to his feet and two small pops beat against his eardrums, lifting the pressure.
What is with Potter's feet?
'You can open your eyes now, Potter, we're here.' Harry opened his eyes a crack and saw the Entrance Hall materialize in front of him. His first reflex was to pull his hand away from Snape's and wipe it on his jeans, out the corner of his eye Snape appeared to be doing the same. 'If I find one of my toes missing, I'm coming straight to you, Potter. Let's go. Your "friends" are with Dumbledore. Leave your stuff here, I'll get the house-elves to bring it up.' He set off down the long corridor, his black robes billowing behind him. Harry set off, careful to keep a few steps behind him until they reached to gargoyle that signified the entrance to Professor Dumbledore's quarters of the Hogwarts castle.
Bending down to brush himself off, Snape noticed that indeed one of his fingers was missing. Only, it wasn't really a finger, more like a big thumb… a big crotch thumb. Well, whatever it was, it wasn't there anymore and Snape was furious.
'Potter!' He cried, lunging at Harry. 'You lost my…'
Uh, never mind that. That will be put safely back into the gutter where it belongs.
'Pepper imp,' Snape muttered, and the gargoyle sprang aside, letting them enter and go up the moving staircase to the office. They opened the door and Sirius jumped to his feet, his eyes darting from Snape to Harry and back fixing a glare onto Snape again.
'He didn't hurt you, did he Harry?' He asked, not removing his glare from Snape.
'Yes, he did, Sirius," Harry moaned. 'His… er… thing… got left behind, and he took mine! Waah!"
Heh, there I go again. Bad Mercury, bad!
'Of course I didn't hurt him, fool,' Snape muttered in reply. 'You know I would never intentionally hurt the boy.'
'Very well, thank you Severus,' called Professor Dumbledore from behind his desk. 'Harry, nice to see you here and healthy.'
Harry strained a grin, feeling more worried now he was there about why they needed to speak with him so urgently. Sirius patted his shoulder and led him over to the sofa in the corner where Professor Lupin was sitting.
'Harry, good to see you again,' he shook his hand in a brotherly fashion. Harry sat down between him and his godfather; Snape sat on the far chair. His heart was pounding so fast he thought for sure that Sirius could hear it. Dumbledore peered at the four of them from over top of his half-moon spectacles.
'Sirius, Remus, you two best know the situation, explain to Harry why we had to call him back here.'
Oh, cripes. This is where I actually have to think up a plot. Well, that could take a while, so I'll leave off here. O'course, you know that once I start trying to think up a plot, more dirty suggestions will filter into my brain somehow. I blame the government.
