The apartment was blanketed in a thick dark quietness when I arrived home, shuddering and crying, blistering tears trailing down my flesh. I threw myself on the couch and buried my head into the cushions as the condensation of my hot breath built around my face. Warm phlegm rose in the back of my throat and I gagged, sobbing and moaning. My mind was abnormally blank, making thinking extremely difficult. Yet, despite my mental blindness, I was at least able to come to the harsh realization that my virginity had been wasted on some nameless nitwit.

It wasn't that I was upset about no longer remaining pure and true because it was, after all, the 21st century, but that, for the first heat ever, I was unable to control myself. Since I had begun going into heat around the age of fifteen or so-which could account as another reason for Dad's departure-I had only been in heat for less than ten times. And, each occasion, I was able to control myself before anything too "out of line" occurred. Perhaps I was upset that my first time was gone, but like I already stated, that wasn't my biggest trouble. What bothered and irked me the most was that I was no longer in power of what I could and couldn't do.

After lying on the couch for some time, I found myself becoming nauseous due to my anxiety. Grabbing my abdomen, I skittered to the bathroom, where I knelt over the toilet, emptying the contents of my stomach. I gripped the sides of the glittering porcelain fiercely, dizzy and confused. The acid burned my throat and caused my nose to trickle. Finally, when the disgusting smell made me swoon so badly, I could no longer support myself, I flushed the toilet and went back out to the couch to attempt a chance for sleep.

Yet, that would not be so.

Suddenly, the apartment became flooded with light, and Mom was crouching next to me, apparently having just heard the rumbling of the plumbing as my vomit was pushed away, rubbing my shoulders. "Alanza, what's wrong?"

"I want to die."

Her hand stiffened and stopped its massaging. "What did you say?" she asked, her voice lowered to a shocked decibel.

I picked my head up and wiped at my dribbling nose. "I want to die! I can't live this way anymore, Mom!"

"Alanza, honey, what happened?"

I rose to my feet and pushed her away. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Please…"

"Why does everything have to come back to Manticore? Why can't they just leave me alone?!" I spat vehemently. Still crying, the tears tumbled off my dirty cheeks and onto the floor below. I was acting like a fool, and we both knew it, but wouldn't dare to say so. Mom sat, rapt and mute, on the couch watching me with intensity and sympathy. She knew what I was going to tell her before I even said it.

"You can talk about it, if you want," she offered, attempting to be supportive. Well, I suppose she was; she was helping a lot more than anyone else had during the entire day.

"I don't want to."

"Why not?"

"Why not?" I echoed. "Why not?!" Laughing, I threw my head back like an insane psychotic and ran my fingers through my disheveled hair. Finally, I let my hands flop down to my sides in submission. "Look, Mom, I went out tonight because I thought I could escape it all, and it turns out that everything just came back to bite me in the ass even more than I would have hoped."

"What do you mean?"
"I screwed some guy in his apartment without even knowing his last name!" I screamed, my face on fire. "And the whole damn time I could only think about James, but because of having mostly feline DNA, I just kept right on going with this guy because I had to clear the heat. I just wanted to escape…and I did…" At that, I collapsed to the ground, falling down on my knees, while my hands covered my face protectively. "I just want to be normal for once…"

Mom walked over to me and knelt down beside me, rubbing her motherly hand over my shaking shoulders. "I know it's not easy."

"That'd be an understatement."

"But, everything will turn out all right in the end." She paused, as if debating what she was about to say. "Maybe, Alanza, maybe you should talk to James."

My head shot up in shock, while my eyebrows narrowed in fury. "Talk to him? Why should I?"

"Look, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I went through a similar experience with Logan, before you were born, that is." Mom shook her head and smiled, remembering what had happened. Yet, her grin wasn't a normal happy expression, in fact, it had a look of cynicism and doubt to it. "I went off with some guy because I couldn't be with Logan during heat for my own reasons. I ended up telling Logan everything. And you know what?"
"What?" I asked, barely listening.

"He forgave me." She sighed and wrapped an arm protectively around me. "Look, Alanza, you're probably thinking that I'm just feeding you a bunch of b.s., but I'm not. I know you love James. You know you love James. A person doesn't spend nearly a week moping around after somebody just because. I'm not asking you to kiss up and get married, I'm just asking that you talk to him. Case has been calling all day, wanting you two to talk. So, personally, I starting to get sick of him," Mom laughed. "Besides, what harm could talking to James do?"
"A lot."

"Go back to him."

"But I-"

"But what, Alanza?"

Sighing heavily, I shook my head blankly as I rose unsteadily to my feet, reaching for my coat. "I love him more than anything. More than I should. He lied to me. I lied to him. He probably even cheated on me." I opened the apartment door, leading out into the early morning, which I estimated the time to be approximately four or five in the morning. In the grimy window, I could see the sun rising in the distance, bringing with it a whole new day. A whole new chance. "But, I can't walk away without closure. I have to talk to him. I have to see him. And, most importantly, I have to finish whatever we started."