Rating: PG, you know, for fairy tale-ish stuff… oh, and insanity. Lots of insanity.
Feedback: I'd like that, thank you.
Distribution: At the moment, here. If someone wants it, I'd really appreciate it if you would ask me, please. I would also be completely shocked.
Spoilers: Not a single thing.
Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Mutant Enemy (Joss Whedon), a wonderfully creative company whose characters I have borrowed for a completely profit-free flight of fancy. Kindly do not sue me, please, as I am terrified of you. Thank you.
Chapter Seven
Okay, um, as you kind readers are aware, the librarian's spell has made him, the vampire, and the green guy all go nappy-bye. And he used to complain about the queen's spells. Yeesh. Well, let's see if I can get them to come round.
Oh hot little English number! Look, I'm holding your author-autographed, first edition copy of Shakespeare out the gaping hole that the vampire made in the castle wall! If it slips, it'll fall straight into the moat and… oh, geez. Sorry about that. Guess I'll have to buy him a new one…
Greenie! Old buddy, old pal! Come on, how about a little sing along? What you want, baby I got it! What you need, you know I got it! All I'm askin', is for a… little… respect? Man, even Aretha's not reaching him. This is getting serious.
Okay, my favorite ensouled vampire, I'm getting desperate, so it looks like I'm gonna have to play dirty. Forgive me. The Slayer is standing in the next room, wearing that pink dress from prom, and the Powers that Be have granted you a permanent reprieve on that too-happy clause. Dang. Nothing. This is extremely of the not good, as the king would say, and I'm not talking about Elvis.
Looks like I'll just have to leave them a-lying here in a big old heap. I'll just throw a blanket over the hole in the wall so the vamps don't become extra crispy. There. All better. Sleep tight.
And yes, before you even ask, I have completely taken advantage of the situation and given both broody boy and the book maven very, very thorough good night kisses. Oh, what the heck, I even bussed the karioke addict.
Almost immediately, our scene shifts to the forest path where Rose left William to wait for nightfall. Since I'm the narrator, I don't have to go by way of the sewers. Anyway, I'm sure he'll be waking up any minute now.
"I'm behind you, pet."
Uh, William? You don't have a very happy look on your face. What's up?
"You're late."
Well excuuuuuuuuuse me! There was an inseeny-beensy little narrative glitch and…
"You think you've got problems? Let me catch you up on the first few minutes of the unlife of yours truly. I wake up, none too delighted at the whole prospect of being dead, mind you, and with my princess nowhere in sight, when out of the blue a whole platoon of commandos drops out of the trees."
Oh boy.
"Next thing I know I've got a microchip implanted in my noggin that keeps me from hurting humans. I never got the chance to drain even one! And to make matters really bizarre, for some reason I'm blond all of a sudden! Now do you understand why I woke up on the cranky side of the crypt?"
Um, on the up side, blond looks good on you.
"Nice of you to tell me, because how the bloody hell should I know! I don't even have a ruddy reflection anymore!"
Okay, you have some seriously legitimate reasons for complaining. How about I cut you a deal to ease my guilty conscience?
"What sort of deal?"
Excuse us for a moment as I whisper something into the gentleman's ear that will be revealed later.
Long pause…
"You're joking!"
Nope. Honest offer. Even though I'll probably live to regret it.
"Well, all right then. I shan't mention another word on the topic."
Fine. Now that that's all straightened out, I should tell you that Rose has fallen into an enchanted sleep due to a spell cast on her by a wicked, shopping addicted fashion aficionado, and only her true love's kiss will wake her up again.
"I'm dead for all of twenty-four hours and the whole world goes to blue blazes in a hand basket. Unbelievable. Next thing you'll be telling me is disco is back in fashion."
I'm just going to let that slide right on past.
"Wait a minute. This evil mall queen who zapped my girl-- is she human?"
Yup.
"So the chip isn't going to let me give her so much as a paper cut without making my head explode like a July Fourth firework?"
Don't worry, sugarfangs. I've got a plan.
"Why does that not make me feel better? And by the way, sugarfangs?"
What, you're the only one allowed to use terms of endearment? Anyway, here are the magical weapons you can use to defeat the evil enchantress. Here, put this on.
"A black leather duster? What's it do?"
Aside from making you look hotter than sin, it makes the wearer immune to any spells cast by the diabolical deb.
"You're sure it doesn't make me look fat?"
Trust me, the second Rose wakes up, she'll be all over you.
"I'm starting to like this."
Good. And now for your trusty, noble steed.
"That's a car."
I don't see you as the horseback type. In this, your trademark black Desoto Fireflite, you'll be able to travel without fear of sunlight and smash down the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign multiple times.
"How am I supposed to see through a blacked-out windshield?"
There's an itty bitty space right at eye level for ya.
"You sure you don't have anything a bit more flashy? Maybe something in blood red, like say a Ferrari or a Lamborghini or a…"
It's this or a Winnebago with ugly drapes, a funky smell, and tinfoil crinkled over the windows.
"Desoto. Gotcha. Love it dearly."
Last, but certainly not least, is the most powerful weapon that I can give you against the wicked witch.
"A Swiss Army knife? What does this do?"
Besides opening and uncorking bottles, whittling wood and helping you earn any number of merit badges in the Vampire Scouts (don't even ask what they sell to raise money for camping trips), this nifty little gizmo might just help you defeat your fiendish foe. Now, before you go off to the castle, stop over at the three good beings' place and raid the fridge for some hemoglobin delight. We can't have you rescuing your lady love on an empty tummy.
"What about the little problem of an invite?"
One of the beings is a vamp, so you're all clear. Now scamper on your merry way and go do the typical fairy tale breaking and entering.
"I may be new to this, but I'm dead cert vampires don't scamper."
Then lurk on your merry way. Maybe I should consider making that ghost the debutante lives with the hero of the next story; at least I wouldn't get so much back talk.
"You know you love it."
