Chapter Nine
~*~The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.~*~
I'd said the prayer thousands of time in the pediatric intensive care unit. All the words intermingled with the words from friends and distant family that stopped by to offer their comfort.
~*~He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters.~*~
When they told us that Leo was in a coma, I took the news in stride. In other words, I stared at the same page of a magazine for several hours in a sort of limbo. I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember waking up, knowing that this was all just a bad dream. A terrible, terrible dream and now that I was awake, it was all over.
~*~He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.~*~
But I was sitting in the waiting room of the pediatric intensive care unit with a horrible crick in my neck, and my hands shaking my heart hammering in my chest.
~*~ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil; for thou art with me thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.~*~
Why weren't the doctors doing anything? I mean, they weren't doing *anything*! They were checking his vitals and 'keeping him comfortable' until they got the results from Uncle Zack's blood test back. What the hell was 'keeping him comfortable' supposed to mean, anyway? Did they fluff his pillow in between morphine injections or something? There had to be *something* they could do.
~*~Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.~*~
Leo died on a Thursday morning. The leukemia had suddenly and inexplicably attacked his brain stem. He never even had a chance after that.
Ironically, about fifteen minutes after my brother went into cardiac arrest, a technician came sprinting down the hallway the word that Uncle Zack was an exact match for Leo's bone marrow.
Too little. Too late.
Fifteen minutes too late.
~*~Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.~*~
Rain fell in ice cold sheets as the priest read the final prayer over Leo's oak casket. My knuckles were white as I gripped the handle of my umbrella hard enough, it was only a matter of time before something broke.
I stood a good three feet apart from my parents. It made things worse to see Mom's glassy, red rimmed eyes. It wasn't a big secret that she was heavily medicated. It was hard seeing Dad's face, pale and slightly yellow, a mixture of grief and the empty bottle of vodka that was sitting on the counter this morning.
Devastation didn't even begin to cover it.
I don't know what set it off, but I suddenly wanted to scream. I wanted to scream so loud I couldn't hear the priest attempts in justifying Leo's death.
'No!' My mind frantically shouted. 'No! He's only nine! You aren't supposed to die when you're nine!'
I was too cold to think, to cry, to comfort. I was shivering, inside and out, completely frozen in place.
'He's with God now.' I don't give a fuck. I want him to do another experiment with my shampoo and not tell me about it. I want him to make fun of our parents behind their back. I want him home with me. I want him alive.
"He's only nine." I whispered into the rain.
Weakly, I held my left hand up.
'G-O-O-D-BY-E-L-E-O-I-L-O-V-E-Y' I started to fingerspell, but my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't finish.
I couldn't watch anymore. I couldn't watch them put Leo into the ground. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do any of this.
I'd love to believe that Leo was in Heaven, with the angels, playing with all the dead rats and lizards he could find. It was warm, he could hear, he could play all day long without any of the limitations he faced on this Earth.
But all I could see was Leo being put into the cold, wet ground. No warmth, no sound. Only silence. Forever cold. Forever silent. forever young. Forever gone.
Benjamin Leo Cale was only nine.
~*~Amen. ~*~
A/N: Huge, huge, HUGE thanks to Cat Carroll (J&J, Gen X6) and Angela Evans (Fearful Symmetry) for all their help with this chapter. I went through at least three drafts of this chapter before they helped systematically get rid of the ones that wouldn't work.
A/N 2: I've never been one to beg for reviews. But let me just say this. I've written more in this past week then I thought I'd be able in a long time. Only because of all the terrific reviews I've been getting. This story is officially at its halfway point. Make my day and leave a review, please?
~*~The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.~*~
I'd said the prayer thousands of time in the pediatric intensive care unit. All the words intermingled with the words from friends and distant family that stopped by to offer their comfort.
~*~He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters.~*~
When they told us that Leo was in a coma, I took the news in stride. In other words, I stared at the same page of a magazine for several hours in a sort of limbo. I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember waking up, knowing that this was all just a bad dream. A terrible, terrible dream and now that I was awake, it was all over.
~*~He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.~*~
But I was sitting in the waiting room of the pediatric intensive care unit with a horrible crick in my neck, and my hands shaking my heart hammering in my chest.
~*~ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil; for thou art with me thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.~*~
Why weren't the doctors doing anything? I mean, they weren't doing *anything*! They were checking his vitals and 'keeping him comfortable' until they got the results from Uncle Zack's blood test back. What the hell was 'keeping him comfortable' supposed to mean, anyway? Did they fluff his pillow in between morphine injections or something? There had to be *something* they could do.
~*~Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.~*~
Leo died on a Thursday morning. The leukemia had suddenly and inexplicably attacked his brain stem. He never even had a chance after that.
Ironically, about fifteen minutes after my brother went into cardiac arrest, a technician came sprinting down the hallway the word that Uncle Zack was an exact match for Leo's bone marrow.
Too little. Too late.
Fifteen minutes too late.
~*~Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.~*~
Rain fell in ice cold sheets as the priest read the final prayer over Leo's oak casket. My knuckles were white as I gripped the handle of my umbrella hard enough, it was only a matter of time before something broke.
I stood a good three feet apart from my parents. It made things worse to see Mom's glassy, red rimmed eyes. It wasn't a big secret that she was heavily medicated. It was hard seeing Dad's face, pale and slightly yellow, a mixture of grief and the empty bottle of vodka that was sitting on the counter this morning.
Devastation didn't even begin to cover it.
I don't know what set it off, but I suddenly wanted to scream. I wanted to scream so loud I couldn't hear the priest attempts in justifying Leo's death.
'No!' My mind frantically shouted. 'No! He's only nine! You aren't supposed to die when you're nine!'
I was too cold to think, to cry, to comfort. I was shivering, inside and out, completely frozen in place.
'He's with God now.' I don't give a fuck. I want him to do another experiment with my shampoo and not tell me about it. I want him to make fun of our parents behind their back. I want him home with me. I want him alive.
"He's only nine." I whispered into the rain.
Weakly, I held my left hand up.
'G-O-O-D-BY-E-L-E-O-I-L-O-V-E-Y' I started to fingerspell, but my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't finish.
I couldn't watch anymore. I couldn't watch them put Leo into the ground. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do any of this.
I'd love to believe that Leo was in Heaven, with the angels, playing with all the dead rats and lizards he could find. It was warm, he could hear, he could play all day long without any of the limitations he faced on this Earth.
But all I could see was Leo being put into the cold, wet ground. No warmth, no sound. Only silence. Forever cold. Forever silent. forever young. Forever gone.
Benjamin Leo Cale was only nine.
~*~Amen. ~*~
A/N: Huge, huge, HUGE thanks to Cat Carroll (J&J, Gen X6) and Angela Evans (Fearful Symmetry) for all their help with this chapter. I went through at least three drafts of this chapter before they helped systematically get rid of the ones that wouldn't work.
A/N 2: I've never been one to beg for reviews. But let me just say this. I've written more in this past week then I thought I'd be able in a long time. Only because of all the terrific reviews I've been getting. This story is officially at its halfway point. Make my day and leave a review, please?
