Somehow my ½ page flashback turned into this.sighs Oh well. R/R people!!
Thanks to all who reviewed. While I'll disagree with the cold hearted
bitch remark (Okay, it was my favorite review ever), special thanks to
Zanna and afan's great reviews. And there is about 8 chapters left. Don't
panic ya'll!
Chapter Ten
I had always been perfectly happy as the only child. My dad spoiled me beyond belief. It was a rare occasion that there wasn't some present waiting for me when I got home. Mom would tell Dad that if he wasn't careful, he'd turn me into to an intolerable brat. Dad would quietly reply that he had four years to make up for and that always shut Mom up. Still, coming home and running into my room was always one of the most anticipated parts of my day. Finding some small knickknack or trinket nestled safely on my pillow never lost its thrill for me. Everyday it was a surprise if I found something. I never grew used to it at all.
"Maddy." Mom had said to me one rainy afternoon shortly after my eight birthday. Dad was standing next to her and they each had identical grins plastered on their faces. I paused the handheld video game I was playing. "How would you like a new little baby brother or sister?"
I stared at them silently. I was always taught that if you didn't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all.
After that, the presents slowly began to stop.
Mom and Dad were so wrapped up in the upcoming addition to our family, that they hardly paid attention to me. At least I felt that way. I know now that it was because Mom was pretty sick and there was a lot of concerns over hers and the unborn baby's health. Back then I didn't know that. And I resented them for it.
One day in early July, I was sitting in my room enjoying the air conditioning, a Nancy Drew, and a glass of grape juice when Dad stuck his head in the room. I pulled off my headphones and stared at him. I didn't talk a whole lot to them then. "Want to go get some ice cream?" He asked.
"Why?" I said suspiciously. I wasn't interested in another 'you'll be a great older sister' speeches, so I was more than a little apprehensive.
Dad shrugged. "It's a Saturday afternoon and none of us have anything better to do. Why not go get ice cream?" I hadn't even been aware that it was a Saturday. During summer vacation, life was just one endless weekend that blended in to one giant Saturday afternoon.
Still, it was hot outside. Even if I pretended not to, I missed how things used to be. I quickly found a piece of paper and marked my place in my book and followed Dad towards the door, hopping on one foot at a time as I pulled on my sandals. "Is Mommy coming?" I asked, putting on my best impression of disinterest.
"Yes she is." I heard her say from behind me. Mom was only in her seventh month then, but she could have easily been compared to a plane or small barge. She also had two speeds. Stop and waddle. It took her a while to get to the door, but eventually we ended up at a small outdoor ice cream parlor in one of the few nice areas left in Seattle.
It was a good day. Mom was happy to be out of bed for the first time in a while and Dad was happy just to see both of us smiling at once. It was just an all around good day. Our ice cream date ended up being extended to a movie, then to dinner afterwards.
Even when we were having such a good time, in the back of my head I was thinking about the upcoming baby and the effect it was going to have on our lives. There wouldn't be any more nights out, just the three of us having a good time. There wouldn't be Mom and Dad standing on either side of me, each holding a hand as we walked down the street.
I didn't care how selfish I seemed. I knew perfectly well that it was just me being an attention hog. But that night when I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling, I wished with every ounce of my being to be the only child again. I didn't want to be an older sister; I didn't want to be the person some little kid looked up to. I wanted to be Daddy's little girl forever.
My wish didn't come true though. The next month, when I got let out of school, I didn't find Dad in the lobby waiting to pick me up. Aunt Cindy was there, instead. I was happy to see her, I loved my godmother dearly, but I knew instantly that the worst day in my entire history was here. Melodrama is the specialty of every eight-year-old girl.
Aunt Cindy stayed at the penthouse that night. I later found out that Mom had a C section and was pretty out of it, so Dad thought it was best that I wait till the morning to come. When I ventured out of my room the next morning, Aunt Cindy was stumbling around the kitchen trying to figure out how to work Dad's cappuccino machine. She muttered incoherently for a couple minutes and I stared at her bemusedly while she attempted to turn it on, so eventually I shoved her into a chair and made us each a mug.
"Do your parents let you drink cappuccino?" She asked.
"Nope." I said with a big grin and took a big sip. "But they're not here."
Aunt Cindy arched a brow. "If you get me in trouble, I'll beat you down like a red headed step child."
Aunt Cindy was what Dad called 'culinarily challenged'. Mom called her 'cookingly retarded'. Not that she as one to talk. So I made her cheesy eggs, bacon, and toast. She mumbled something about ruining her diet, but she ate it just the same. "I have to say, Mads, that you're taking this whole brother thing a lot better than I would be."
My head snapped up, but Aunt Cindy had still been looking down into her plate. "Why's that?" I asked.
"I was one of six. I was the youngest though. If I was nine and my mom would have had another baby, I would not have been happy about it. Not only was I the baby, I was a huge daddy's girl. I would have thrown a fit if anyone tried to take that away from me."
I blinked. In fact, I blinked for a couple minutes straight with out saying a single word. What do you say to that? Could I confide in my aunt the complete anger I felt at my parents? Could I tell her how I felt betrayed, like I wasn't good enough for them, that they needed another child to make up for what I couldn't give them? Wait.
"Brother?" It suddenly hit me.
"Yeah. Sorry, forgot to tell you they called late last night. Your mom had a little boy. Benjamin Leo. Benjamin after one of your mom's brother's, Leo because it's August. Strange if you ask me, but whatever blows up their skirts." Aunt Cindy said softly, watching my face intently. I think there was enough of my mother in me that I managed to keep my face relatively emotionless.
"Okay." Was all I said.
"I'll take you to go see him later on."
I visited with Mom and Dad before they let me see the baby. Dad walked with me down the hall to the nursery. I could say that it was some big epiphany when I saw my new little brother, but it really wasn't. He was wrinkly, red, and he wailed ALL the time. I didn't want him to begin with, but once they brought him home and that thing ruined my normal eight hours of total silence, all I wanted to do was find the 'return to sender' stamp and get rid of it. I refused to call it by name.
One night, 'it' was wailing, and I finally got so sick of listening to it, I climbed out of bed. I didn't want to wake Mom and Dad up, so I resisted the urge to stomp my feet down the hallway, but it was hard. Its not like I slept, but still. Ten PM till 6 AM was my quiet time and hell if this little *thing* was going to mess that up anymore.
I would have grabbed him from his crib, but he was so small, and just because I couldn't stand his existence didn't mean I wanted to hurt him. I was resentful, not hostile. Where I would have thrown myself in the rocking chair, I sat down gently.
"You need to shut up." I said in a low, stern voice. He wasn't red and puffy anymore. As long as you didn't look at him to long, you could almost call him cute. Almost.
I just sat there and frowned at him. Then suddenly, he stopped screaming his lungs out. His face relaxed and there was nothing but his big, watery brown eyes blinking at me owlishly.
That was the epiphany I was looking for.
Now, nine years later, I find myself an only child again. The desperate wish I made as an eight year old girl came true in the most horrible way possible. Mom was nothing more than a skeleton of herself. It was a surprise if I saw her out of her room. Instead of finding his comfort in sleeping pills, Dad was doing it with alcohol. Uncle Zack disappeared right after the funeral. I didn't expect to hear from him for a while, and honestly, I didn't care. I didn't care about anything.
I didn't want to talk to anyone. I'd lost all interest in anything. I would have graduated in about three weeks, but I doubt I would have the time or the caring to make up my missed work. Friends had called, there were dozens of messages on the machine, but none of us were really interested in answering the phone.
Last night, there was a knock on the door. I had ventured out of my room long enough to take a shower. I didn't even notice that I was in my ratty bathrobe with wet, tangled hair when I answered the door. Felicia took one look at me and I think she knew. Without waiting for an invitation, she stepped into the penthouse, pulled me into a hug. "I'm so sorry, honey." She crooned.
Something about her showing up like, there was only one appropriate reaction. I burst into tears. Everything I had been holding back for the past week ended up on the shoulder of Felicia's denim jacket.
I don't know how I ended up knocking on her front door today. I was lying in bed in the middle of the afternoon, contemplating getting up at all. Then I found myself fully dressed and searching for my car keys under the piles of dirty laundry that had built up in my closet.
I heard the music soon as I got out of my car. I didn't want to intrude if she was having people over, but Felicia did say that if I ever needed anything I knew where to find here. I didn't want to overstep and boundaries, but I needed to get the hell out of that house for a little while.
I rang her doorbell, then shifted my weight from foot to foot as I waited for someone to come to the door. Felicia opened the door midway through a snort of laughter about something someone behind her said. "Oh my god! Maddy!" She said, her face instantly sobering.
"I'm sorry, I know I should have called--" I started backing away from the door, blushing furiously.
"No, no, no." Felicia stepped out on the porch, pulling the door shut behind her. "You're welcome any time, really." Felicia shot a worried glance at the door behind her. "I've got some friends from my old school over right now."
"Oh." I said, forcing a smile on my face. "It's okay, I should have called first." I took another step back before she grabbed my arm.
"No, I'm just saying." She began carefully. "These people aren't your usual crowd."
"I just needed to get out for a while, its okay, I'll just go shopping or something." I said. Actually, I thought sleeping was looking pretty good again, but I didn't want to make her feel guilty for not wanting her depressed rich friend around.
I started to pull away, but was yanked back again. "Don't be ridiculous, Mad, I just wanted to warn you." Felicia grinned at me and pulled open the door. Immediately I was assaulted with the sound of loud rap music, the reek of alcohol, and choking smoke. "I was going to invite you, but then." She shrugged.
"Okay." I said for a lack of anything else to do. Everyone had stopped what they were doing to stare at me. At least I thought they were.
"HEY!!" Felicia shouted with enough authority to have everyone shut up and listen. "This is Maddy! She's my friend. Be nice!" She ordered.
And with that she disappeared into one of the side rooms. I was left alone to fend for myself.
Oh crap. They didn't know me, I could get away with just turning around and running.
"Hey." A pretty black girl a little younger than me said as she brushed by me. "I'm Maryanne."
I got a half a dozen more greetings as some brave individual grabbed my hand and dragged me deeper into the chaos. Someone pushed a drink into my hand and I had to struggle to hear over the music being blasted directly in my ear.
I certainly wasn't obsessing over Leo at the moment.
Chapter Ten
I had always been perfectly happy as the only child. My dad spoiled me beyond belief. It was a rare occasion that there wasn't some present waiting for me when I got home. Mom would tell Dad that if he wasn't careful, he'd turn me into to an intolerable brat. Dad would quietly reply that he had four years to make up for and that always shut Mom up. Still, coming home and running into my room was always one of the most anticipated parts of my day. Finding some small knickknack or trinket nestled safely on my pillow never lost its thrill for me. Everyday it was a surprise if I found something. I never grew used to it at all.
"Maddy." Mom had said to me one rainy afternoon shortly after my eight birthday. Dad was standing next to her and they each had identical grins plastered on their faces. I paused the handheld video game I was playing. "How would you like a new little baby brother or sister?"
I stared at them silently. I was always taught that if you didn't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all.
After that, the presents slowly began to stop.
Mom and Dad were so wrapped up in the upcoming addition to our family, that they hardly paid attention to me. At least I felt that way. I know now that it was because Mom was pretty sick and there was a lot of concerns over hers and the unborn baby's health. Back then I didn't know that. And I resented them for it.
One day in early July, I was sitting in my room enjoying the air conditioning, a Nancy Drew, and a glass of grape juice when Dad stuck his head in the room. I pulled off my headphones and stared at him. I didn't talk a whole lot to them then. "Want to go get some ice cream?" He asked.
"Why?" I said suspiciously. I wasn't interested in another 'you'll be a great older sister' speeches, so I was more than a little apprehensive.
Dad shrugged. "It's a Saturday afternoon and none of us have anything better to do. Why not go get ice cream?" I hadn't even been aware that it was a Saturday. During summer vacation, life was just one endless weekend that blended in to one giant Saturday afternoon.
Still, it was hot outside. Even if I pretended not to, I missed how things used to be. I quickly found a piece of paper and marked my place in my book and followed Dad towards the door, hopping on one foot at a time as I pulled on my sandals. "Is Mommy coming?" I asked, putting on my best impression of disinterest.
"Yes she is." I heard her say from behind me. Mom was only in her seventh month then, but she could have easily been compared to a plane or small barge. She also had two speeds. Stop and waddle. It took her a while to get to the door, but eventually we ended up at a small outdoor ice cream parlor in one of the few nice areas left in Seattle.
It was a good day. Mom was happy to be out of bed for the first time in a while and Dad was happy just to see both of us smiling at once. It was just an all around good day. Our ice cream date ended up being extended to a movie, then to dinner afterwards.
Even when we were having such a good time, in the back of my head I was thinking about the upcoming baby and the effect it was going to have on our lives. There wouldn't be any more nights out, just the three of us having a good time. There wouldn't be Mom and Dad standing on either side of me, each holding a hand as we walked down the street.
I didn't care how selfish I seemed. I knew perfectly well that it was just me being an attention hog. But that night when I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling, I wished with every ounce of my being to be the only child again. I didn't want to be an older sister; I didn't want to be the person some little kid looked up to. I wanted to be Daddy's little girl forever.
My wish didn't come true though. The next month, when I got let out of school, I didn't find Dad in the lobby waiting to pick me up. Aunt Cindy was there, instead. I was happy to see her, I loved my godmother dearly, but I knew instantly that the worst day in my entire history was here. Melodrama is the specialty of every eight-year-old girl.
Aunt Cindy stayed at the penthouse that night. I later found out that Mom had a C section and was pretty out of it, so Dad thought it was best that I wait till the morning to come. When I ventured out of my room the next morning, Aunt Cindy was stumbling around the kitchen trying to figure out how to work Dad's cappuccino machine. She muttered incoherently for a couple minutes and I stared at her bemusedly while she attempted to turn it on, so eventually I shoved her into a chair and made us each a mug.
"Do your parents let you drink cappuccino?" She asked.
"Nope." I said with a big grin and took a big sip. "But they're not here."
Aunt Cindy arched a brow. "If you get me in trouble, I'll beat you down like a red headed step child."
Aunt Cindy was what Dad called 'culinarily challenged'. Mom called her 'cookingly retarded'. Not that she as one to talk. So I made her cheesy eggs, bacon, and toast. She mumbled something about ruining her diet, but she ate it just the same. "I have to say, Mads, that you're taking this whole brother thing a lot better than I would be."
My head snapped up, but Aunt Cindy had still been looking down into her plate. "Why's that?" I asked.
"I was one of six. I was the youngest though. If I was nine and my mom would have had another baby, I would not have been happy about it. Not only was I the baby, I was a huge daddy's girl. I would have thrown a fit if anyone tried to take that away from me."
I blinked. In fact, I blinked for a couple minutes straight with out saying a single word. What do you say to that? Could I confide in my aunt the complete anger I felt at my parents? Could I tell her how I felt betrayed, like I wasn't good enough for them, that they needed another child to make up for what I couldn't give them? Wait.
"Brother?" It suddenly hit me.
"Yeah. Sorry, forgot to tell you they called late last night. Your mom had a little boy. Benjamin Leo. Benjamin after one of your mom's brother's, Leo because it's August. Strange if you ask me, but whatever blows up their skirts." Aunt Cindy said softly, watching my face intently. I think there was enough of my mother in me that I managed to keep my face relatively emotionless.
"Okay." Was all I said.
"I'll take you to go see him later on."
I visited with Mom and Dad before they let me see the baby. Dad walked with me down the hall to the nursery. I could say that it was some big epiphany when I saw my new little brother, but it really wasn't. He was wrinkly, red, and he wailed ALL the time. I didn't want him to begin with, but once they brought him home and that thing ruined my normal eight hours of total silence, all I wanted to do was find the 'return to sender' stamp and get rid of it. I refused to call it by name.
One night, 'it' was wailing, and I finally got so sick of listening to it, I climbed out of bed. I didn't want to wake Mom and Dad up, so I resisted the urge to stomp my feet down the hallway, but it was hard. Its not like I slept, but still. Ten PM till 6 AM was my quiet time and hell if this little *thing* was going to mess that up anymore.
I would have grabbed him from his crib, but he was so small, and just because I couldn't stand his existence didn't mean I wanted to hurt him. I was resentful, not hostile. Where I would have thrown myself in the rocking chair, I sat down gently.
"You need to shut up." I said in a low, stern voice. He wasn't red and puffy anymore. As long as you didn't look at him to long, you could almost call him cute. Almost.
I just sat there and frowned at him. Then suddenly, he stopped screaming his lungs out. His face relaxed and there was nothing but his big, watery brown eyes blinking at me owlishly.
That was the epiphany I was looking for.
Now, nine years later, I find myself an only child again. The desperate wish I made as an eight year old girl came true in the most horrible way possible. Mom was nothing more than a skeleton of herself. It was a surprise if I saw her out of her room. Instead of finding his comfort in sleeping pills, Dad was doing it with alcohol. Uncle Zack disappeared right after the funeral. I didn't expect to hear from him for a while, and honestly, I didn't care. I didn't care about anything.
I didn't want to talk to anyone. I'd lost all interest in anything. I would have graduated in about three weeks, but I doubt I would have the time or the caring to make up my missed work. Friends had called, there were dozens of messages on the machine, but none of us were really interested in answering the phone.
Last night, there was a knock on the door. I had ventured out of my room long enough to take a shower. I didn't even notice that I was in my ratty bathrobe with wet, tangled hair when I answered the door. Felicia took one look at me and I think she knew. Without waiting for an invitation, she stepped into the penthouse, pulled me into a hug. "I'm so sorry, honey." She crooned.
Something about her showing up like, there was only one appropriate reaction. I burst into tears. Everything I had been holding back for the past week ended up on the shoulder of Felicia's denim jacket.
I don't know how I ended up knocking on her front door today. I was lying in bed in the middle of the afternoon, contemplating getting up at all. Then I found myself fully dressed and searching for my car keys under the piles of dirty laundry that had built up in my closet.
I heard the music soon as I got out of my car. I didn't want to intrude if she was having people over, but Felicia did say that if I ever needed anything I knew where to find here. I didn't want to overstep and boundaries, but I needed to get the hell out of that house for a little while.
I rang her doorbell, then shifted my weight from foot to foot as I waited for someone to come to the door. Felicia opened the door midway through a snort of laughter about something someone behind her said. "Oh my god! Maddy!" She said, her face instantly sobering.
"I'm sorry, I know I should have called--" I started backing away from the door, blushing furiously.
"No, no, no." Felicia stepped out on the porch, pulling the door shut behind her. "You're welcome any time, really." Felicia shot a worried glance at the door behind her. "I've got some friends from my old school over right now."
"Oh." I said, forcing a smile on my face. "It's okay, I should have called first." I took another step back before she grabbed my arm.
"No, I'm just saying." She began carefully. "These people aren't your usual crowd."
"I just needed to get out for a while, its okay, I'll just go shopping or something." I said. Actually, I thought sleeping was looking pretty good again, but I didn't want to make her feel guilty for not wanting her depressed rich friend around.
I started to pull away, but was yanked back again. "Don't be ridiculous, Mad, I just wanted to warn you." Felicia grinned at me and pulled open the door. Immediately I was assaulted with the sound of loud rap music, the reek of alcohol, and choking smoke. "I was going to invite you, but then." She shrugged.
"Okay." I said for a lack of anything else to do. Everyone had stopped what they were doing to stare at me. At least I thought they were.
"HEY!!" Felicia shouted with enough authority to have everyone shut up and listen. "This is Maddy! She's my friend. Be nice!" She ordered.
And with that she disappeared into one of the side rooms. I was left alone to fend for myself.
Oh crap. They didn't know me, I could get away with just turning around and running.
"Hey." A pretty black girl a little younger than me said as she brushed by me. "I'm Maryanne."
I got a half a dozen more greetings as some brave individual grabbed my hand and dragged me deeper into the chaos. Someone pushed a drink into my hand and I had to struggle to hear over the music being blasted directly in my ear.
I certainly wasn't obsessing over Leo at the moment.
