Author: Tiger_lily
Notes: Chapter 4.!! Post- AJBAC, Zack's PoW
Wow I'm on the ball today.
I think it's the songs I hear. Music can inspire the most beautiful things.
Also Zack really is 23 he was born on the 9.13.1997. check out darkangeltv.com if you don't believe me
and DA is set in 2020. or is it 2021 now in Season 2? Anywayz he's 23 in my story.
The one here is 'You took my heart away' by Michael learns to rock.
Yes , yes I know it's a pun. just don't take it literally okay? It's suppose to be sweet
*~*~*
*
Staring at the moon so blue
Turning all my thoughts to you
I was without hopes or dreams
I tried to dull an inner scream
But you...
Saw me through
*
Maxie.
Nothing like being woke up by a cow prod being used on you.
Well maybe not a cow prod. I don't know what the technical term for it. But that's what it felt like.
It's like electricity blazing into your heart. Well mechanical heart technically.
Most days, I'm in and out of consciousness. Sometimes I'm not sure which one I'm in.
Sometimes I wish I was unconscious.
There was about 10 seconds after that bullet hit my head that I thought I was going to die.
For about 2 of those seconds, I panicked. I'm 23. That's considered young in this age. I have a life to live.
But I'd never hoped for the kind of things normal twenty-somethings could. I'd never gone to college. I wasn't qualified for anything. Except recon, assassinations and military projects. I thought about joining the army. What do you do when people are searching for you? Hide in the most obvious place. A soldier hiding in the army? Even Manticore wouldn't think of that. Especially since they don't seem to understand irony.
I could have worked as a mercenary. But funny enough, I wasn't in the mood. The truth is, I'd had enough of killing.
If Max was here, she'd roll her eyes.
If Max was here.so many feelings flood my mind.
You might be surprised. But I don't actually enjoy killing. I know what your thinking. Zack? That stoic warrior guy who's never hesitated to kill? But I only killed out of necessity. And I don't regret any of those deaths. Not for a second. Especially since I know about three quarters of the people I've killed wouldn't hesitate to send a bullet into the head of one of my family. So as far as I'm concerned, I'm guiltless. The quick or the dead I suppose.
The other quarter. I blame Manticore for those. They made me what I am. They trained me. Forced me to kill people for practice. The people I've killed were never good people anyway.
But working in an army? Going to war? Killing people without purpose or cause? That's not my gig.
So in those two seconds, I thought about all I didn't want to lose.
I didn't have a family. Not the typical mom, dad, squabbling siblings. My mother as far as I'm concerned is dead to me. I knew Max wants to find her mom, but she was young before we've escaped. She went out in the world and she saw babies with their mommas and she imagined she was in their place. But I know there's a difference between those moms and the one that brought me into the world
She was there to serve a purpose.
I was a project for her. Designation X5-599. I was just a number. 330417291599.She didn't even name me,
I have no memories of her. But I don't need to make up stories of how she is or what she looks like.
If she wanted me, she would have fought harder.
Just like Max's mother should have if she loved her.
Love
How could you not love Max? How can you not want to protect her? If love is what a mother feels for a child. then she should have made a sacrifice.
Like I did.
I don't know what love is. It's one of those things that Manticore didn't explain. I had to get out in the real world to discover what it was. After the escape, I ran from town to town. I didn't know where I was going. I just had to keep on moving. And in every town I went to, I kept my eyes open for the rest of them. In about the fifth place I ended up, I saw something that I couldn't understand. I was hiding out in an abandoned barn on a farm. One day some kids found my hiding spot. There were two of them, two boys, a little younger than me. They snuck into the barn and started playing chasey in the loft. I didn't understand the purpose of their game. It was similar to escape and evade, the drill we practiced at Manticore. But nothing happened if someone was caught. They'd just swap roles. No one was handed over for re-indoctrination.
Well while the kids were running around, one of them fell over and cried out in pain. He'd hurt his ankle and he started to cry. I was fascinated with his tears. Who would have thought there was an ample water supply located under my eyes? Why had Manticore not taught them that survival trick? (Later I found out that it was saltwater and quite useless.)
The other boy gave him a hug and helped him up.
"Johnny, are you okay?"
"My ankle hurts"
"Is it broken? Can you move it?"
"Yeah but it hurts!" The boy wailed and more liquid poured down his cheeks.
"If I help you, can you walk home?"
"Maybe"
"Johnny, I'll help you. You'll be alright. I'll always take care of you"
"Ok. I love you Kev"
They walked away, the younger one with his arm around the others shoulder, limping. They made slow progress, but that didn't seem to matter. They didn't care for the world, except that they had each other.
The way they felt about each other reminded me of how I felt about my sisters and brothers. We felt the same way. We just didn't have a name or explanation for it. Maybe this 'love' had something to do with that. I decided to look it up in the dictionary, as I'd overheard somebody tell a kid that a dictionary was where you can find an explanation for anything. This is what I found.
Love [luv ] noun (plural loves)
1. very strong affection: an intense feeling of tender affection and compassion [pic] Young children need unconditional love.
2. passionate attraction and desire: a passionate feeling of romantic desire and sexual attraction
3. somebody much loved: somebody who is loved romantically [pic] He was her first real love.
It didn't seem to explain much but I thought that the first definition was what my brothers and sisters and I had. The second and third definition I didn't understand. What was the purpose of that kind of love?
It didn't seem like something I'd ever want or have. It didn't really define love for me and I kind of gave up on trying to figure it out.
But I don't need to define it to know what it feels like. Us kids looked after each other well in Manticore. Nothing grew there. Not inside that gray building. There were no plants inside the building. No animals. Nothing but us. In some places, they bred plants. Others animals. Manticore bred soldiers.
But in the desolute place, my 20 siblings and I found something beautiful. Love. It didn't have a name then. But it was an emotion Manticore didn't have breed into us.
So although I didn't have parents, I had family. And I wanted to live for them.
What else did I have to live for?
Max
How can I explain how I feel about Max? Simple. I can't It's almost as hard as explaining love.
Maybe because Max and love have always been connected in some way.
First it was my little sister Maxie.
I was a soldier. Soldiers didn't play favourites. It wasn't that hard. I loved all of them.
But Max. as soon as she was born I knew she was different. Lydecker knew it too. He was there at her birth. Not in the same room. no that would be unprofessional. But behind a fiberglass one way mirror, he watched as X5- 452 was brought into the world. I was there and saw him with my micro- vision through that beguiling glass.
I was there for each X5 birth. It was kind of like reverse imprinting. Even though I was only one when the next X-5 was born, I was there so they could reinstate that I was to be the leader and it was my assignment to protect and lead these soldiers. At the first one I was confused. I was expecting a warrior to emerge, maybe slightly smaller than me, all ready for actions and instructions. What I didn't expect was a woman yelling very loudly as a tiny pruned thing was ejected from her. I didn't understand why it was so small, so pink. so vulnerable. But I loved them all the same. If possible I loved them more because I knew they would need protection from me, and that what they would become was at least partly a result of my guidance. From weak little beings to the ultimate team fighting force. I vowed even then that was their last moment of weakness. Everyone of them became my responsibility and I wasn't going to let them down.
But when Max was born, I knew she was different. They were afraid that she was going to die before she was even born. Her mother had a difficult birth but finally with a kick, 332960073452 emerged into the world. And she appeared with her beautiful brown eyes open.
They were afraid she wouldn't survive the night. She was the smallest of all babies, premature. But she proved to them all wrong. She was a fighter from the start. I held her briefly, right after the birth. I was the first person she really saw. I held her in my arms, like I would after each training session where she got hurt and a couple of months ago when she found me at last. She'd hug me then with such ferocity. Like she didn't want to let go. And as soon as I stared into her clear brown eyes, I loved her. The same kind of love that pulsed through me when I saw her lying on that table so still and cold- so cold. And while I held this little bundle, she smiled at me. That toothless grin was the first I'd ever seen. And I didn't know what it meant, but I liked it. A sign of innocence. Maybe her last. But it was beautiful and I wanted to protect that kind of beauty. I wanted to protect her. She'd shown me there was something worth smiling about in the world.
I knew she would be strong, maybe even stronger than me. Maybe not in physique, maybe not in physical strength. In will and determination. In spirit.
That night, I got some idea where she'd gotten such spirit. Her surrogate was exhausted from the labor and the drugs they'd knocked into her. But while I was holding Max, she beckoned to me. A small flick of the fingers that no one without X-5 vision could see. She wanted to hold Max. I stepped towards her, very quietly, quickly. Somehow I knew this was not what the Manticore doctors wanted. No mother had shown any interest in any of the X- 5s, But she had courage, and even I at age three knew that courage should be rewarded. So I stepped towards her. Closer. A step. Left, right, left, right, like I'd been taught. But there was an obstacle. A hand gripped my shoulder. "What are you doing X5-599?" Lydecker. Max's surrogate looked at me then, a look of such desperation that it touched something in me. Maybe mercy. I didn't answer. Instead I employed an escape and evade maneuver and in a heartbeat, put that baby in her mother's arms. Only for a second. Then Lydecker swooped and took Max away. That was the first time I'd ever disobeyed an order. Lydecker wasn't pleased. I was punished.
But when those doctors took Max away, her surrogate uttered the most awful wail. She surged forwards and tried to get to Max, before six doctors strained to get her contained. She was dragged away, struggling, fighting, screaming. I saw something in her eyes. Something I'd never seen before. Sorrow. Sadness.
I was curious. I'd never seen such resistance in a surrogate That was the first time I asked myself whether Manticore was always right.
Maybe Max was destined to change me. She changed the way I acted. The way I thought but never questioned. She was the first to find out about names and think of one for herself.
She talked to me about it once. She'd stopped me after training once and said she'd wanted to talk to me. She asked me about her mother. What was she like? What was her name? I asked her why she wanted to know? What did she remember? She told me she didn't remember much. Only hands. A pair of gentle hands holding her, lovingly. Then many pairs of cold, hard hands, taking her away. I asked her how she remembered. She replied, "I just know."
That's one of the reason I loved Maxie. She didn't need a reason to do something. She was instinctive, like an animal. She didn't need someone to give her purpose. She could find one herself.
On the day of the escape, I was edgy. I wasn't sure that an escape was the right thing to do. That would be resisting everything we'd ever been taught. But I knew I had to do it. For Max. Her seizures were getting worse and if they noticed it, they'd take her way. To the nomalies. I didn't know what was on the Outside. But surely it had more to offer them than this. So we escaped. Well, most of us. Eva never made it that far and they got me. I should have been there in time to save Eva. She should've never had to follow that order. But she loved Maxie as much as I did, as much as the others did. She died noble. I couldn't have asked for more than that. A soldier's death. A sister's death.
When I finally found Maxie so many years later, I questioned myself. Is this what we'd escape for? So she could live this lie complete with friends, a job and - a boyfriend? She was in denial. She couldn't be free and happy at the same time. It was either one or the other.
I asked her to go. She refused.
It was the first time she'd disobeyed me. I saw that as a bit of a betrayal. She'd chosen herself over her family. Part of me wanted to hate her. But the other part loved her more then, because she was a free spirit. She made her own choices, even if they were hard.
I put up with her denial. I told myself I would leave her alone and let her go.
I went back to Seatle.
There were the times she saw me . and the many times she didn't
I told myself I was just doing my brotherly duty. It was my job as CO. It was my purpose.
But there was something more. I'd never wanted to watch any of my other brothers and sisters sleep. I'd never wanted to stroke their hair or feel their skin. I never wanted to tell them they were beautiful and keep by her side forever to make sure she would always be okay. I was distracted each time I returned from Seatle. I'd lose myself in her.
But love was phony sentimentality right? This was love, but the first kind right? Not the sexual passionate thing I'd read about. Not romance. Soldiers don't fall in love with their conrades. It was wrong, but nothing had ever felt so right.
I envied her really. She seemed so free. She seemed to have left all the excess baggage Manticore heaped on us behind. She was living her life like she wanted and I wondered if I would ever get to do that? Did I even want to do that? She wasn't going to be brought down by her past. She could see a future for herself.
But apparently not for me. There was someone else. There was something there between them that I'd never seen before. And I got jealous and protective. Not brotherly protective either.
But I held back my own feelings. I wasn't going to try anything unwelcomed on Max. Not Maxie, not the one I'd sworn to protect.
So I let her go. So I thought. But part of me stayed with her every time I left. Part of me. Which part? My heart? My soul? I dunno.
She wanted to take down Manticore goddamn it. I should have said no when she first suggested it. No it would never work. But she brought me hope. And after seeing Krit and Syl, the team we made, there was something there. We were a family again. She made us all feel we could succeed. Take down the enemy once and for all. We took a lead from her. She'd been battling her demons why couldn't we.
So we went and we almost got away. All of it was going according to plan. Except when the X-7's attacked. I might have been able to take them down. But I was slow, dragged down by my concern for Max. And then when I saw them, saw Max as I remembered years ago. I just let them take me. Because I could never hurt her, clone or not.
I realized when I saw her on that stretcher with blood on her that I'd been holding onto the image I'd remember from years ago. I still pegged her as my little sister, Maxie, when she had grown up. But I wanted her to stay the same. The same little girl who looked up to me. Who admired me. Who loved me. I wanted her to love me and only me.
So when faced with the choice of losing her or letting go of her, I let her go.
I finally let go.
She no longer needed my protection.
She hadn't for a long time
I just didn't want to let go.
But now I realize what I'd always known. She was a fighter. She would live.
She just needed a little help.
It was the last thing I could do for her.
X5-599, I've got a heart for you
*
Walking on a path of air
See your faces everywhere
As you melt this heart of stone
You take my hand to guide me home
And now...
I'm in love
You took my heart away
When my whole world was gray
You gave me everything
And a little bit more
And when it's cold at night
And you sleep by my side
You become the meaning of my life
*
Apparently, for a soldier trained to kill, I had lousy aim.
Maybe I wasn't ready to die
Although sometimes I get confused to what I'm living for now.
I'd forgotten something for a second.
I was Manticore technology.
About ten seconds after I shot myself, my bodies survival instinct kicked into action. Even if my mind had let go, even if I was at peace with dying, my body wouldn't let me go. That's Manticore irony for you. I could have been peaceful for the first time in my life. Knowing I'd die for a true purpose. Knowing I'd died for love. Knowing I'd giving my Maxie a second chance.
But Manticore wasn't going to let me have that kind of peace. Looks like I'm worth more to them alive than dead. Or am I now called the living dead?
Memory's a bitch. Sometimes it fades. In and out. But how could I ever forget her?
When they brought that window up, something jumped in me. Max, it screamed. But she just looked at me with her sad forever eyes. I would have given anything to make her see I was alright. I would have done anything to save her the worry and pain.
I'd already sacrificed that much for her.
But given the choice, I would do it all again. For her.
And I'm going to fight them. I'm going to live. That's what's kept me alive all this time. Knowing she's alive. And as longs as she's out there, I'll find her.
*
Living in a world so cold (living in a world so cold)
You are there to warm my soul (you are there to warm my soul)
You came to mend a broken heart
You gave my life a brand new start
And now...
I'm in love
You took my heart away
When my whole world was gray
You gave me everything
And a little bit more
And when it's cold at night
And you sleep by my side
You become the meaning of my life
Holding your hand
I won't fear tomorrow
Here where we stand
We'll never be alone
You took my heart away
When my whole world was gray
You gave me everything
And a little bit more
And when it's cold at night
And you sleep by my side
You become the meaning of my life
You become the meaning of my life
You become the meaning
You become the meaning of my life
Notes: Chapter 4.!! Post- AJBAC, Zack's PoW
Wow I'm on the ball today.
I think it's the songs I hear. Music can inspire the most beautiful things.
Also Zack really is 23 he was born on the 9.13.1997. check out darkangeltv.com if you don't believe me
and DA is set in 2020. or is it 2021 now in Season 2? Anywayz he's 23 in my story.
The one here is 'You took my heart away' by Michael learns to rock.
Yes , yes I know it's a pun. just don't take it literally okay? It's suppose to be sweet
*~*~*
*
Staring at the moon so blue
Turning all my thoughts to you
I was without hopes or dreams
I tried to dull an inner scream
But you...
Saw me through
*
Maxie.
Nothing like being woke up by a cow prod being used on you.
Well maybe not a cow prod. I don't know what the technical term for it. But that's what it felt like.
It's like electricity blazing into your heart. Well mechanical heart technically.
Most days, I'm in and out of consciousness. Sometimes I'm not sure which one I'm in.
Sometimes I wish I was unconscious.
There was about 10 seconds after that bullet hit my head that I thought I was going to die.
For about 2 of those seconds, I panicked. I'm 23. That's considered young in this age. I have a life to live.
But I'd never hoped for the kind of things normal twenty-somethings could. I'd never gone to college. I wasn't qualified for anything. Except recon, assassinations and military projects. I thought about joining the army. What do you do when people are searching for you? Hide in the most obvious place. A soldier hiding in the army? Even Manticore wouldn't think of that. Especially since they don't seem to understand irony.
I could have worked as a mercenary. But funny enough, I wasn't in the mood. The truth is, I'd had enough of killing.
If Max was here, she'd roll her eyes.
If Max was here.so many feelings flood my mind.
You might be surprised. But I don't actually enjoy killing. I know what your thinking. Zack? That stoic warrior guy who's never hesitated to kill? But I only killed out of necessity. And I don't regret any of those deaths. Not for a second. Especially since I know about three quarters of the people I've killed wouldn't hesitate to send a bullet into the head of one of my family. So as far as I'm concerned, I'm guiltless. The quick or the dead I suppose.
The other quarter. I blame Manticore for those. They made me what I am. They trained me. Forced me to kill people for practice. The people I've killed were never good people anyway.
But working in an army? Going to war? Killing people without purpose or cause? That's not my gig.
So in those two seconds, I thought about all I didn't want to lose.
I didn't have a family. Not the typical mom, dad, squabbling siblings. My mother as far as I'm concerned is dead to me. I knew Max wants to find her mom, but she was young before we've escaped. She went out in the world and she saw babies with their mommas and she imagined she was in their place. But I know there's a difference between those moms and the one that brought me into the world
She was there to serve a purpose.
I was a project for her. Designation X5-599. I was just a number. 330417291599.She didn't even name me,
I have no memories of her. But I don't need to make up stories of how she is or what she looks like.
If she wanted me, she would have fought harder.
Just like Max's mother should have if she loved her.
Love
How could you not love Max? How can you not want to protect her? If love is what a mother feels for a child. then she should have made a sacrifice.
Like I did.
I don't know what love is. It's one of those things that Manticore didn't explain. I had to get out in the real world to discover what it was. After the escape, I ran from town to town. I didn't know where I was going. I just had to keep on moving. And in every town I went to, I kept my eyes open for the rest of them. In about the fifth place I ended up, I saw something that I couldn't understand. I was hiding out in an abandoned barn on a farm. One day some kids found my hiding spot. There were two of them, two boys, a little younger than me. They snuck into the barn and started playing chasey in the loft. I didn't understand the purpose of their game. It was similar to escape and evade, the drill we practiced at Manticore. But nothing happened if someone was caught. They'd just swap roles. No one was handed over for re-indoctrination.
Well while the kids were running around, one of them fell over and cried out in pain. He'd hurt his ankle and he started to cry. I was fascinated with his tears. Who would have thought there was an ample water supply located under my eyes? Why had Manticore not taught them that survival trick? (Later I found out that it was saltwater and quite useless.)
The other boy gave him a hug and helped him up.
"Johnny, are you okay?"
"My ankle hurts"
"Is it broken? Can you move it?"
"Yeah but it hurts!" The boy wailed and more liquid poured down his cheeks.
"If I help you, can you walk home?"
"Maybe"
"Johnny, I'll help you. You'll be alright. I'll always take care of you"
"Ok. I love you Kev"
They walked away, the younger one with his arm around the others shoulder, limping. They made slow progress, but that didn't seem to matter. They didn't care for the world, except that they had each other.
The way they felt about each other reminded me of how I felt about my sisters and brothers. We felt the same way. We just didn't have a name or explanation for it. Maybe this 'love' had something to do with that. I decided to look it up in the dictionary, as I'd overheard somebody tell a kid that a dictionary was where you can find an explanation for anything. This is what I found.
Love [luv ] noun (plural loves)
1. very strong affection: an intense feeling of tender affection and compassion [pic] Young children need unconditional love.
2. passionate attraction and desire: a passionate feeling of romantic desire and sexual attraction
3. somebody much loved: somebody who is loved romantically [pic] He was her first real love.
It didn't seem to explain much but I thought that the first definition was what my brothers and sisters and I had. The second and third definition I didn't understand. What was the purpose of that kind of love?
It didn't seem like something I'd ever want or have. It didn't really define love for me and I kind of gave up on trying to figure it out.
But I don't need to define it to know what it feels like. Us kids looked after each other well in Manticore. Nothing grew there. Not inside that gray building. There were no plants inside the building. No animals. Nothing but us. In some places, they bred plants. Others animals. Manticore bred soldiers.
But in the desolute place, my 20 siblings and I found something beautiful. Love. It didn't have a name then. But it was an emotion Manticore didn't have breed into us.
So although I didn't have parents, I had family. And I wanted to live for them.
What else did I have to live for?
Max
How can I explain how I feel about Max? Simple. I can't It's almost as hard as explaining love.
Maybe because Max and love have always been connected in some way.
First it was my little sister Maxie.
I was a soldier. Soldiers didn't play favourites. It wasn't that hard. I loved all of them.
But Max. as soon as she was born I knew she was different. Lydecker knew it too. He was there at her birth. Not in the same room. no that would be unprofessional. But behind a fiberglass one way mirror, he watched as X5- 452 was brought into the world. I was there and saw him with my micro- vision through that beguiling glass.
I was there for each X5 birth. It was kind of like reverse imprinting. Even though I was only one when the next X-5 was born, I was there so they could reinstate that I was to be the leader and it was my assignment to protect and lead these soldiers. At the first one I was confused. I was expecting a warrior to emerge, maybe slightly smaller than me, all ready for actions and instructions. What I didn't expect was a woman yelling very loudly as a tiny pruned thing was ejected from her. I didn't understand why it was so small, so pink. so vulnerable. But I loved them all the same. If possible I loved them more because I knew they would need protection from me, and that what they would become was at least partly a result of my guidance. From weak little beings to the ultimate team fighting force. I vowed even then that was their last moment of weakness. Everyone of them became my responsibility and I wasn't going to let them down.
But when Max was born, I knew she was different. They were afraid that she was going to die before she was even born. Her mother had a difficult birth but finally with a kick, 332960073452 emerged into the world. And she appeared with her beautiful brown eyes open.
They were afraid she wouldn't survive the night. She was the smallest of all babies, premature. But she proved to them all wrong. She was a fighter from the start. I held her briefly, right after the birth. I was the first person she really saw. I held her in my arms, like I would after each training session where she got hurt and a couple of months ago when she found me at last. She'd hug me then with such ferocity. Like she didn't want to let go. And as soon as I stared into her clear brown eyes, I loved her. The same kind of love that pulsed through me when I saw her lying on that table so still and cold- so cold. And while I held this little bundle, she smiled at me. That toothless grin was the first I'd ever seen. And I didn't know what it meant, but I liked it. A sign of innocence. Maybe her last. But it was beautiful and I wanted to protect that kind of beauty. I wanted to protect her. She'd shown me there was something worth smiling about in the world.
I knew she would be strong, maybe even stronger than me. Maybe not in physique, maybe not in physical strength. In will and determination. In spirit.
That night, I got some idea where she'd gotten such spirit. Her surrogate was exhausted from the labor and the drugs they'd knocked into her. But while I was holding Max, she beckoned to me. A small flick of the fingers that no one without X-5 vision could see. She wanted to hold Max. I stepped towards her, very quietly, quickly. Somehow I knew this was not what the Manticore doctors wanted. No mother had shown any interest in any of the X- 5s, But she had courage, and even I at age three knew that courage should be rewarded. So I stepped towards her. Closer. A step. Left, right, left, right, like I'd been taught. But there was an obstacle. A hand gripped my shoulder. "What are you doing X5-599?" Lydecker. Max's surrogate looked at me then, a look of such desperation that it touched something in me. Maybe mercy. I didn't answer. Instead I employed an escape and evade maneuver and in a heartbeat, put that baby in her mother's arms. Only for a second. Then Lydecker swooped and took Max away. That was the first time I'd ever disobeyed an order. Lydecker wasn't pleased. I was punished.
But when those doctors took Max away, her surrogate uttered the most awful wail. She surged forwards and tried to get to Max, before six doctors strained to get her contained. She was dragged away, struggling, fighting, screaming. I saw something in her eyes. Something I'd never seen before. Sorrow. Sadness.
I was curious. I'd never seen such resistance in a surrogate That was the first time I asked myself whether Manticore was always right.
Maybe Max was destined to change me. She changed the way I acted. The way I thought but never questioned. She was the first to find out about names and think of one for herself.
She talked to me about it once. She'd stopped me after training once and said she'd wanted to talk to me. She asked me about her mother. What was she like? What was her name? I asked her why she wanted to know? What did she remember? She told me she didn't remember much. Only hands. A pair of gentle hands holding her, lovingly. Then many pairs of cold, hard hands, taking her away. I asked her how she remembered. She replied, "I just know."
That's one of the reason I loved Maxie. She didn't need a reason to do something. She was instinctive, like an animal. She didn't need someone to give her purpose. She could find one herself.
On the day of the escape, I was edgy. I wasn't sure that an escape was the right thing to do. That would be resisting everything we'd ever been taught. But I knew I had to do it. For Max. Her seizures were getting worse and if they noticed it, they'd take her way. To the nomalies. I didn't know what was on the Outside. But surely it had more to offer them than this. So we escaped. Well, most of us. Eva never made it that far and they got me. I should have been there in time to save Eva. She should've never had to follow that order. But she loved Maxie as much as I did, as much as the others did. She died noble. I couldn't have asked for more than that. A soldier's death. A sister's death.
When I finally found Maxie so many years later, I questioned myself. Is this what we'd escape for? So she could live this lie complete with friends, a job and - a boyfriend? She was in denial. She couldn't be free and happy at the same time. It was either one or the other.
I asked her to go. She refused.
It was the first time she'd disobeyed me. I saw that as a bit of a betrayal. She'd chosen herself over her family. Part of me wanted to hate her. But the other part loved her more then, because she was a free spirit. She made her own choices, even if they were hard.
I put up with her denial. I told myself I would leave her alone and let her go.
I went back to Seatle.
There were the times she saw me . and the many times she didn't
I told myself I was just doing my brotherly duty. It was my job as CO. It was my purpose.
But there was something more. I'd never wanted to watch any of my other brothers and sisters sleep. I'd never wanted to stroke their hair or feel their skin. I never wanted to tell them they were beautiful and keep by her side forever to make sure she would always be okay. I was distracted each time I returned from Seatle. I'd lose myself in her.
But love was phony sentimentality right? This was love, but the first kind right? Not the sexual passionate thing I'd read about. Not romance. Soldiers don't fall in love with their conrades. It was wrong, but nothing had ever felt so right.
I envied her really. She seemed so free. She seemed to have left all the excess baggage Manticore heaped on us behind. She was living her life like she wanted and I wondered if I would ever get to do that? Did I even want to do that? She wasn't going to be brought down by her past. She could see a future for herself.
But apparently not for me. There was someone else. There was something there between them that I'd never seen before. And I got jealous and protective. Not brotherly protective either.
But I held back my own feelings. I wasn't going to try anything unwelcomed on Max. Not Maxie, not the one I'd sworn to protect.
So I let her go. So I thought. But part of me stayed with her every time I left. Part of me. Which part? My heart? My soul? I dunno.
She wanted to take down Manticore goddamn it. I should have said no when she first suggested it. No it would never work. But she brought me hope. And after seeing Krit and Syl, the team we made, there was something there. We were a family again. She made us all feel we could succeed. Take down the enemy once and for all. We took a lead from her. She'd been battling her demons why couldn't we.
So we went and we almost got away. All of it was going according to plan. Except when the X-7's attacked. I might have been able to take them down. But I was slow, dragged down by my concern for Max. And then when I saw them, saw Max as I remembered years ago. I just let them take me. Because I could never hurt her, clone or not.
I realized when I saw her on that stretcher with blood on her that I'd been holding onto the image I'd remember from years ago. I still pegged her as my little sister, Maxie, when she had grown up. But I wanted her to stay the same. The same little girl who looked up to me. Who admired me. Who loved me. I wanted her to love me and only me.
So when faced with the choice of losing her or letting go of her, I let her go.
I finally let go.
She no longer needed my protection.
She hadn't for a long time
I just didn't want to let go.
But now I realize what I'd always known. She was a fighter. She would live.
She just needed a little help.
It was the last thing I could do for her.
X5-599, I've got a heart for you
*
Walking on a path of air
See your faces everywhere
As you melt this heart of stone
You take my hand to guide me home
And now...
I'm in love
You took my heart away
When my whole world was gray
You gave me everything
And a little bit more
And when it's cold at night
And you sleep by my side
You become the meaning of my life
*
Apparently, for a soldier trained to kill, I had lousy aim.
Maybe I wasn't ready to die
Although sometimes I get confused to what I'm living for now.
I'd forgotten something for a second.
I was Manticore technology.
About ten seconds after I shot myself, my bodies survival instinct kicked into action. Even if my mind had let go, even if I was at peace with dying, my body wouldn't let me go. That's Manticore irony for you. I could have been peaceful for the first time in my life. Knowing I'd die for a true purpose. Knowing I'd died for love. Knowing I'd giving my Maxie a second chance.
But Manticore wasn't going to let me have that kind of peace. Looks like I'm worth more to them alive than dead. Or am I now called the living dead?
Memory's a bitch. Sometimes it fades. In and out. But how could I ever forget her?
When they brought that window up, something jumped in me. Max, it screamed. But she just looked at me with her sad forever eyes. I would have given anything to make her see I was alright. I would have done anything to save her the worry and pain.
I'd already sacrificed that much for her.
But given the choice, I would do it all again. For her.
And I'm going to fight them. I'm going to live. That's what's kept me alive all this time. Knowing she's alive. And as longs as she's out there, I'll find her.
*
Living in a world so cold (living in a world so cold)
You are there to warm my soul (you are there to warm my soul)
You came to mend a broken heart
You gave my life a brand new start
And now...
I'm in love
You took my heart away
When my whole world was gray
You gave me everything
And a little bit more
And when it's cold at night
And you sleep by my side
You become the meaning of my life
Holding your hand
I won't fear tomorrow
Here where we stand
We'll never be alone
You took my heart away
When my whole world was gray
You gave me everything
And a little bit more
And when it's cold at night
And you sleep by my side
You become the meaning of my life
You become the meaning of my life
You become the meaning
You become the meaning of my life
