Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!

Journal

I just got back from another talk with Cephied, and I'm surprised I'm able to write at all. My hand is still shaking from the after affects of what happened, but I'm managing. Hmm, I'm being a little cryptic aren't I? Well, we'll see just how long I can write…

Well, I should mention that I visit Lord Cephied twice every week unless he says otherwise. Or, rather, he visits me. I have to travel to the old Shrine the Water Dragon King created first, and then he… sort of seeps into me. It's really odd… I'll see if I can explain what happened today.

Just as usual, around 12 I made my way over the Shrine. I don't like being there during the day, so I took the long way: flying. I really enjoying being able to fly again, and not with a spell… with wings. My midnight black, Ancient Dragon wings… the one part of my history I truly missed when I was mazoku. So, I flew there, took about 13 hours. (It's on the other side of the world.) When I finally made it, (really early morning) most everyone except a few priests were gone.

Of course, I bypassed the priests as much as possible. They're stupid, they believe in some unwavering justice and purity crap that Filia used to throw around. I hate having to talk with them, its always, "How has your repentance gone?" or "Have you decided to confess yet? You really should before it's too late." I tell them that they should ask Cephied, and they usually leave me alone.

I got lucky, because today I didn't run into any of them. So, I made my way to the room I usually use, just a side room for private worship. No one ever bothers anyone inside if the door is closed. I walked inside, shut and locked the door, and sat down. It was dark, and the room wasn't very decorated anyway, so I didn't bother with any light. (Not that I need it anyway.) Then… I knelt and prayed.

L-sama, I know how damn corny that is, but like I care anyway. It's a short prayer, and more like a summoning spell: I mean, that is what it does. Lord Cephied is physically divided among four Knights, but mentally and spiritually he exists on the Astral Plane. The spell/prayer calls his attention to a certain spot on the mortal plane. Once called there, well, everything is up to him. The first time, he came to me, I suppose he knew what was going on inside me. Whatever the reason he came to my consciousness and took over.

Now, I call him and we talk. Yeah, that's it, I say the prayer and I feel his presence glide to wherever I am. Then, he sinks into my mind, like… It's so hard to explain it's like… being a rock in the middle of rapids. There's something flowing around you, and beating at you constantly, there's always a chance you could drown, or be destroyed by the sheer force of it. When it's finally over, I feel so light, like I could float out of my body, and not come back. That and I can tell Cephied's mind and mine are… almost the same. Overlapped.

When he came this time I got that feeling again, shuddering like I do every time. This time, though, I could tell right away that he had something planned: so I stayed silent until he felt like talking. It was a long wait: an hour or so of complete silence, and darkness. After a while it started to bother me: it reminded me of something, but I couldn't remember what that was, and it scared me. Scared me so much that I curled up where I was sitting and hugged my knees, but remained silent.

It was a little while later, when I was really starting to shake with terror, that Lord Cephied decided to say something. I was so thankful for an end to the torture: relief washed over me in waves. I could almost feel it cover me entirely. Apparently, that's exactly what Cephied was expecting to happen. Tricky bastard. (I can respect him, but that doesn't mean I always have to be nice). After he comforted me enough that I was listening, he told me that.

He said that he wanted to show me why I was so frightened. I have to say, I wasn't exactly jumping at the idea, but I agreed anyway. It's much better to know what I'm afraid of; I hate blind fear: it's worst than anything. He told me that it would be trying, that I had thrown those memories down and locked them away. Here, I thought I'd already remembered everything… boy was I wrong. Cephied had to literally wrench the memories from the pit I'd thrust them into.

That HURT. Not just a plain old I've-wounded-myself-in-battle-pain, a tearing, searing, hell bound pain. A wound that made my throat go hoarse before I could scream, tears explode onto the floor, and my body writhing in agony on the stone floor. He did not try to comfort me then, he dug deeper, and I didn't put up a defense. As Filia put it, "If nothing else, he's stubborn as hell." That stubbornness is the only thing that made me keep my defenses down long enough for my Lord to find the memories, and bring them to life.

When he did: I was thrown into darkness beyond twilight, brilliance beyond the dawn. I saw colors that were all around me, and not there at all: and felt a chaos that flowed through me, and observed an order that was too complicated to understand. I realized what it was after minutes or hours of floating through this past: this was where I went when Dark Star took me. A combination of opposing forces that was so great it blew the mind. The clash had been to loud at impact that it deafened all time after it. Again, fear gripped my consciousness until I was sure I would snap in its grasp.

This time, there was no help: I stayed immersed inside the nightmare for a time, I still do not know. I tried forever to find a way out, and finally remembered that I was not alone in myself. The thought was like a beacon of hope to me: (though it disgusted me later) I called out to Cephied for help. He might have been trying to prove something, but I'm lead to think that he just wanted to scare me. Which he did, more than I think he can comprehend.

When I accepted Gaav-sama's help, I did so because I thought my race, my lord, and my god had turned on me. Earlier today, I started to think I had been right. It felt like he had been toying with me the entire time. I can think of mazoku less evil. It made me angry and even more afraid: afraid that everything that he had said before was a lie. Then I stopped yelling for him, and started yelling at him.

I scorned him in every way I could think of, and clawed away at the darkness. I swore at him, and cursed him to a million different fates. I drew from all my lives, from being rejected as a dragon to my trials as a mazoku, to whatever it is I am now. When I finally came back to the present my hands were torn and throbbing, I could feel blood on my face that mixed with tears of despair and hatred. My ears were ringing, and my head pounding, my legs had gone limp, and my stomach was twisted in various different ways. In short: I felt like shit, and I'm still feeling the "after-shocks".

Lord Cephied wasn't there when I came around, nor did he come back. I was alone again, but I was already too far-gone to care. I just needed to calm down, so I sat and wished for the rain. However, I got no such relief, and the only dripping I heard was my blood steadily falling to the torn floor. I teleported back home, hopefully for some relief, but as I look out the window I see that I am still denied any.

Now, I can understand some of Hellmaster's thoughts: L-Sama can be a real bitch. There is no rain now, not when I need it. I can't watch my silent descent, or let the sounds and pictures soothe me. There's a drought all around me, I don't expect the rain for a while, but I think it's not just the rain that's gone missing. It took my soul too.

- Valgaav