Rated R for extreme cursing and violence.

Disclaimer: I own Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck, the Soldier Ants, and the dragon, but not any character from Harry Potter.

Summary: Read it.

Harry Potter And The African Soldier Ants

Once Harry Potter had recovered from the hospital, he and Hermione had had their frontal lobes stitched back on with the help of some magic, and they all had relocated Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck, or BBFK for short, they all sat in the common room together.

It had been a year since Harry and Hermione had gotten their lobotomies and only Ron remembered it because the memory sensors are in the frontal lobes and that was what they had had removed. "Hey, guess what?" Ron said.

"You're brothers planted a stink bomb in Snape's potion class?" Hermione asked.

"Uh-huh, like, totally, whatever, you, like, wore white after labor day? Uh, like, totally!" Parvati said.

"Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck bit you?" Everyone stared at Harry.

"Cuz, like wearing white after labor day would like totally suck, ya know? Heehee!"

Ron stuffed a potato in Parvati's mouth and she was quiet as she chewed on that silently. "No, my brother in Romania is coming to give a lecture on dragons. First he's making a quick stop in Africa to pick up an orphaned dragon."

And there was much applauding and rejoicing.

***

Meanwhile, somewhere in Africa . . .

"I have an idea," Ron's brother said. "In order to feed the dragon, we'll put something really sweet like candy - that would surely attract ants - in it's cage near a small air hole - just big enough for some ants to get in - and we'll leave him there for about an hour - just long enough for some ants to come along - and then we'll go!"

"Gee, I hope no ants get in."

"Don't be ridiculous. No ants would come in! Especially not African Soldier Ants, which eat everything in their path, including tied up horses and little babies!"

"Of course. What was I thinking? It's a good thing that African Soldier Ants don't eat dragons because of the scales, though, right?"

"That's right, my friend, that's right."

An hour later, Ron's brother packed everything up and they all went to Hogwarts School For Witchcraft And Wizadry.

***

A few hours later, the crate was being unpacked by Ron, Hermione, Harry, and everyone's favorite fuck-up, Neville.

"Neville, Goddammitfuck, would you help me with this bloody heavy crate?" Ron asked. " . . . Shit."

Neville sighed. "Okay, stand back," he said. He pulled as hard as he could and the top popped off, sending him falling back. As soon as the top was off, thousands of large ants poured out of the box and a very frightened dragon swooped out. The ants took off in one direction: toward Neville.

"Don't worry, Neville, Super Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck will save you!" Harry Potter threw BBFK in front of the ants. The ants swarmed over it and when they had gone, only a tiny bit of fluff was left. A few ants went back and finished that off and then they continued toward Neville. "Fuck," Harry said.

"YOU STOLE MY FUCKIN' LINE!" Ron screamed, attacking Harry.

"YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!" Hermione roared.

Ron stopped. "You said impotence."

" . . . No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"No. I said insolence."

"Oh." Ron continued beating on Harry.

"Little help here, people!" Neville cried, who was backed up against the wall.

"Don't worry! Dobby will save you!" Dobby had suddenly appeared in front of the Soldier Ants. The Soldier Ants swarmed over him and all that was left was a little Dobby ankle. Once again, the ants finished it off.

"Oh, bugger," Neville said. He was backed into a corner now with no way of escape. Then he heard some cruel laughter. "Not now, Draco," Neville sighed. "I'm sort of busy."

"What's the matter, Neville? Are the ants scaring you?" Draco taunted.

"What part of busy don't you understand, you prat?!"

"What did you call me?!"

"I called you a prat!"

Draco ran at him, the ants going right over him. He fell to the ground, screaming. "HELP! HELP! THEY'RE EATING MY FLESH! GAAAH!!!!"

And then they were upon Neville.

***

One Week Later

"So how does it feel to have ankles and no feet, Neville?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, it's alright, I suppose. A little painful, but alright." He hobbled away.

Meanwhile, Alice, the writer's sister, in California was at home making-out with Oliver Wood from the movie.