Part 7
Spike's mind reeled as he walked the familiar streets. He could feed! In this place and time he was no longer the pathetic, neutered creature he had been in Sunnydale. The possibility of returning to his old ways was enticing. He still felt intoxicated by the blood of his first victim in over two years. If he stayed here, he could be whole again. Of course there was just one problem…Buffy. He knew he could not have Buffy if he gave in to his demon side. If he thought there was no hope of her ever loving him, he knew he would have slipped away into the shadows of London…a creature of darkness once more. But everything had changed the night that she'd finally admitted, though not with words, that she felt something for him. Her passion and desire for him had matched his own feelings for her. He had told her that their night together had been a 'revelation' and it truly had been. It had given him insight into her true feelings and desires. All that she had kept inside of her for so long had been unleashed. Her emotions had been raw and untamed and had more than likely frightened her. It had been a terrified Buffy who had run off so quickly the next morning covering her fear with anger and denial.
Spike shook his head. He knew that the feelings he had for Buffy far outweighed the temptation of reverting to his dark side. For him there was no turning back. He had come so far…risen to a level he had never considered possible. The goal was now in sight and getting nearer.
Upon reaching his family home, Spike stood in the walkway leading to the front entry. He wistfully recalled memories of his childhood and glanced up at the second-story corner room that used to be his. As he reflected on life experiences almost forgotten, movement in a window from an another room upstairs got his attention. He caught his breath as he saw a woman's silhouette. He had found Buffy. He stared, mesmerized by the image of Buffy looking out the window combing her long blond hair. She looked strangely serene and worry-free – a way she seldom looked back in the present. He had known for a long time that Buffy was now living with a death wish. He had sensed that she, like all of the slayers before her, had come to unconsciously crave death. She was tired of carrying the burden of the world. She wanted to be finished, and she had been -- temporarily. Spike found it ironic that the woman he had once wished to kill with such a passion was the same woman he could now not bear to lose. He would protect her, help her - even it led to his own demise. He knew his motives for helping her and her friends were entirely selfish. He was serving his own cause by protecting her – making his existence somewhat more bearable and the world somewhat more livable because she was in it.
After Buffy moved away from the window and out of sight, Spike climbed up a trellis to the second story to get her attention. To his surprise he saw William enter Buffy's bedroom. "Now that's highly inappropriate!" he muttered to himself.
Buffy gestured for William to sit on the small settee in the corner of her room. She seated herself in the chair opposite his. Outside on the trellis, Spike was curious to hear what they were talking about and leaned in closer to the glass pane.
"So tell me about the girl who inspires your poetry," Buffy said, smiling warmly at William.
William blushed. "Her name is Cecily," he replied nervously. He took off his glasses and began cleaning them. Buffy was reminded of Giles. "She's an absolute vision…an angel. The only problem is…I don't think she knows I exist."
"That could be a problem," Buffy agreed.
"We do run in the same circles and our paths cross quite frequently," William continued. "But she never looks at me. She never once has acknowledged me. I don't think she sees me." He shook his head. "I'm not sure how to make her see me."
"Actually, I am SO not qualified to be giving advice on anything remotely 'relationshippy'--" Buffy began. "But maybe you should just tell her how you feel."
Listening in, Spike shook his head. He was amazed at how Buffy was always so wrong when it came to affairs of the heart. He recalled Cecily's callous and utterly humiliating response to his declaration of affection. He leaned in as close to the window as he could without being seen, not wanting to miss any part of the conversation.
"I don't know," William responded uncertainly. "Maybe I'm just in love with the dream…the idea that is Cecily. If I were to actually tell her…if she were to reject me…I don't know if I could bear the thought of losing the dream. I know this must sound foolish but isn't a dream better than nothing?"
Buffy sat next to William and held his hand. "I think that Cecily's a very lucky girl," she said smiling. "You're a good man." As she looked at William, Buffy could not help but think of Spike. She realized that he was the first man who had actually changed for the better because of loving her. Two men before Spike had cared for her and both had suffered for it. Her affections had unintentionally turned them toward darkness. Only Spike…Evil Spike, had benefited because of his regard for her. He was genuinely trying to change his ways and she had seen glimpses of the man he had once been inside the dead shell that remained. Acting on instinct, she leaned over and kissed William gently on the mouth.
Spike's eyes widened in disbelief as he watched Buffy kiss William. He lost his grip on the trellis and fell to the ground. He landed in a bush with a crash. "Bloody hell!' he cursed under his breath.
William was also shocked by Buffy's kiss. He pulled away quickly with eyes as wide as Spike's had been. Buffy drew herself away and apologized. "I am sooo sorry. I don't believe I did that," she said, utterly mortified. "I guess…I don't know. I was thinking about someone else."
After he had regained his composure, William gave Buffy a strained smile. "I suppose you were probably thinking about er…Spike was it? Perhaps your memories are returning to you."
Buffy's first impulse was to lie and deny that she had been thinking of Spike. It had become almost automatic for her to reject any feelings she may have been developing for him. But, it had also been very difficult for her to keep all of her emotions to herself. She hadn't been able to talk to anyone about it and it was eating her up inside. Strangely, she felt that she could confide in William. "I…yeah, I guess I was thinking about him."
"You care about him," William stated matter of factly.
"It's not that simple," Buffy replied, looking away. "I admit that I do feel something for him…but it's not love. It can't be love."
"Why not?" William asked.
"Because I can't love him." Buffy replied adamantly.
"Again," William inquired, looking her directly in the eyes. "Why not? Does he not love you?"
She sighed tiredly. "I think he does...love me…in his own way. But I know that it's wrong. He's done some really awful things in the past. We're talking bad." Buffy shuddered at the thought of some of the atrocities that Spike had committed. "I know that he has changed and continues to change for the better….It's just that no matter how much he tries to, I know there's just no way he can ever change who he really is. How could he?"
"I guess I may be a romantic, but I truly believe that love is a very powerful force," William answered softly. He squeezed her hand. "Love is never easy is it?"
Buffy smiled weakly and shook her head. "Not in my experience, no," she said as they both rose and walked to the door. William took his leave and Buffy shut the door behind him.
Spike's mind reeled as he walked the familiar streets. He could feed! In this place and time he was no longer the pathetic, neutered creature he had been in Sunnydale. The possibility of returning to his old ways was enticing. He still felt intoxicated by the blood of his first victim in over two years. If he stayed here, he could be whole again. Of course there was just one problem…Buffy. He knew he could not have Buffy if he gave in to his demon side. If he thought there was no hope of her ever loving him, he knew he would have slipped away into the shadows of London…a creature of darkness once more. But everything had changed the night that she'd finally admitted, though not with words, that she felt something for him. Her passion and desire for him had matched his own feelings for her. He had told her that their night together had been a 'revelation' and it truly had been. It had given him insight into her true feelings and desires. All that she had kept inside of her for so long had been unleashed. Her emotions had been raw and untamed and had more than likely frightened her. It had been a terrified Buffy who had run off so quickly the next morning covering her fear with anger and denial.
Spike shook his head. He knew that the feelings he had for Buffy far outweighed the temptation of reverting to his dark side. For him there was no turning back. He had come so far…risen to a level he had never considered possible. The goal was now in sight and getting nearer.
Upon reaching his family home, Spike stood in the walkway leading to the front entry. He wistfully recalled memories of his childhood and glanced up at the second-story corner room that used to be his. As he reflected on life experiences almost forgotten, movement in a window from an another room upstairs got his attention. He caught his breath as he saw a woman's silhouette. He had found Buffy. He stared, mesmerized by the image of Buffy looking out the window combing her long blond hair. She looked strangely serene and worry-free – a way she seldom looked back in the present. He had known for a long time that Buffy was now living with a death wish. He had sensed that she, like all of the slayers before her, had come to unconsciously crave death. She was tired of carrying the burden of the world. She wanted to be finished, and she had been -- temporarily. Spike found it ironic that the woman he had once wished to kill with such a passion was the same woman he could now not bear to lose. He would protect her, help her - even it led to his own demise. He knew his motives for helping her and her friends were entirely selfish. He was serving his own cause by protecting her – making his existence somewhat more bearable and the world somewhat more livable because she was in it.
After Buffy moved away from the window and out of sight, Spike climbed up a trellis to the second story to get her attention. To his surprise he saw William enter Buffy's bedroom. "Now that's highly inappropriate!" he muttered to himself.
Buffy gestured for William to sit on the small settee in the corner of her room. She seated herself in the chair opposite his. Outside on the trellis, Spike was curious to hear what they were talking about and leaned in closer to the glass pane.
"So tell me about the girl who inspires your poetry," Buffy said, smiling warmly at William.
William blushed. "Her name is Cecily," he replied nervously. He took off his glasses and began cleaning them. Buffy was reminded of Giles. "She's an absolute vision…an angel. The only problem is…I don't think she knows I exist."
"That could be a problem," Buffy agreed.
"We do run in the same circles and our paths cross quite frequently," William continued. "But she never looks at me. She never once has acknowledged me. I don't think she sees me." He shook his head. "I'm not sure how to make her see me."
"Actually, I am SO not qualified to be giving advice on anything remotely 'relationshippy'--" Buffy began. "But maybe you should just tell her how you feel."
Listening in, Spike shook his head. He was amazed at how Buffy was always so wrong when it came to affairs of the heart. He recalled Cecily's callous and utterly humiliating response to his declaration of affection. He leaned in as close to the window as he could without being seen, not wanting to miss any part of the conversation.
"I don't know," William responded uncertainly. "Maybe I'm just in love with the dream…the idea that is Cecily. If I were to actually tell her…if she were to reject me…I don't know if I could bear the thought of losing the dream. I know this must sound foolish but isn't a dream better than nothing?"
Buffy sat next to William and held his hand. "I think that Cecily's a very lucky girl," she said smiling. "You're a good man." As she looked at William, Buffy could not help but think of Spike. She realized that he was the first man who had actually changed for the better because of loving her. Two men before Spike had cared for her and both had suffered for it. Her affections had unintentionally turned them toward darkness. Only Spike…Evil Spike, had benefited because of his regard for her. He was genuinely trying to change his ways and she had seen glimpses of the man he had once been inside the dead shell that remained. Acting on instinct, she leaned over and kissed William gently on the mouth.
Spike's eyes widened in disbelief as he watched Buffy kiss William. He lost his grip on the trellis and fell to the ground. He landed in a bush with a crash. "Bloody hell!' he cursed under his breath.
William was also shocked by Buffy's kiss. He pulled away quickly with eyes as wide as Spike's had been. Buffy drew herself away and apologized. "I am sooo sorry. I don't believe I did that," she said, utterly mortified. "I guess…I don't know. I was thinking about someone else."
After he had regained his composure, William gave Buffy a strained smile. "I suppose you were probably thinking about er…Spike was it? Perhaps your memories are returning to you."
Buffy's first impulse was to lie and deny that she had been thinking of Spike. It had become almost automatic for her to reject any feelings she may have been developing for him. But, it had also been very difficult for her to keep all of her emotions to herself. She hadn't been able to talk to anyone about it and it was eating her up inside. Strangely, she felt that she could confide in William. "I…yeah, I guess I was thinking about him."
"You care about him," William stated matter of factly.
"It's not that simple," Buffy replied, looking away. "I admit that I do feel something for him…but it's not love. It can't be love."
"Why not?" William asked.
"Because I can't love him." Buffy replied adamantly.
"Again," William inquired, looking her directly in the eyes. "Why not? Does he not love you?"
She sighed tiredly. "I think he does...love me…in his own way. But I know that it's wrong. He's done some really awful things in the past. We're talking bad." Buffy shuddered at the thought of some of the atrocities that Spike had committed. "I know that he has changed and continues to change for the better….It's just that no matter how much he tries to, I know there's just no way he can ever change who he really is. How could he?"
"I guess I may be a romantic, but I truly believe that love is a very powerful force," William answered softly. He squeezed her hand. "Love is never easy is it?"
Buffy smiled weakly and shook her head. "Not in my experience, no," she said as they both rose and walked to the door. William took his leave and Buffy shut the door behind him.
