Disclaimer: All references to Star Wars are the property of Lucasfilm. I am simply making a mess of things for recreational purposes.


STAR WARS
Episode II.5

OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN ON THE ASTEROID OF MISFIT STAR WARS HEROES

-or-

SORRY, VONG NUMBER

by Quadpus



Chapter 1

Obi-Wan Kenobi and his Padawan learner, Anakin Skywalker, stood before the Jedi Council and listened to the disturbing news. "...They appear to have extragalactic origins," Mace Windu said. "They call themselves the Yuuzhan Vong. They have seized control of the Anoat system and killed seven Jedi already. All of their technology is organically-based. Worst of all, they can't be felt or detected by the Force."

"Stop them, we must," added Master Yoda.

Anakin frowned. "I thought the Force was a luminous energy field that flows through all beings and unifies all life," he said.

"Well, maybe it's like how Hutts and Toydarians are immune to the Jedi mind trick," Obi-Wan suggested.

"That's completely different," said Anakin. "I mean, nobody ever said Hutts or Toydarians were invisible or disconnected to the Force. Doesn't the very existence of these aliens undermine the entire mystical concept of the Force?"

"Bingo," said Plo Koon.

"And that's exactly why we need to beat those Vong punks back to whatever sorry-ass galaxy they came from," said Mace.

"You two must go to the Anoat system and spy on them. We must learn what their weaknesses are, so they can be defeated without unnecessary loss of life," said Oppo Rancisis.

Obi-Wan bowed. "We'll leave at once, Master."

* * *

Obi-Wan and Anakin boarded their two-seater Jedi starfighter, the Skirtchaser X-66, and blasted into the space above Coruscant. Their R2 unit began to make the calculations for the jump to hyperspace.

However, deep inside the inner workings of the ship, a pair of shrimplike Unlaiklees, one of the Vong's many biological creations, were burrowing into the hyperdrive and using their tiny little bioengineered pincers to manipulate the electrons comprising the data that the R2 unit was feeding the hyperdrive. Thanks to the Unlaiklees, instead of getting the data for a jump to the Anoat system, the hyperdrive got the data for a jump straight into the middle of a black hole.

The Vong were able to do this because no less than six members of the Jedi Council were actually Vong spies wearing ooglith masquers. The real members of the Council had been kidnapped months ago.

Those Vong sure do get around.

The R2 unit whistled "Go," Anakin pulled the lever, and the two Jedi blasted off into hyperspace.

About an hour into the jump, Anakin started to get fidgety.

"Calm down, Padawan," said Obi-Wan. "You're making it hard for me to do my Jedi Mellowing Exercises."

"Something's not right," said Anakin. "I don't think we took the right vector for the Anoat system. We should stop for a course correction. I have a bad feeling about this."

"Anakin, I don't think that's necessary," said Obi-Wan, but the Padawan went ahead and pulled the lever anyway. The starlines receded and they returned to realspace. An alarm began to sound on their computer, calling attention to a warning message that there was a black hole just a few hundred thousand kilometers ahead of them.

"Anakin!" exclaimed Obi-Wan. "If you hadn't stopped when you did, we would have flown right into that black hole! That superior Force-sense of yours saved our lives, Anakin! If I could, I'd jump right into your bloodstream and hug each and every one of those wonderful midichlorians of yours!"

"All too easy," said Anakin with a proud smirk.

Then another message appeared on their computer: their hyperdrive was damaged beyond repair. What they didn't know was that the Unlaiklees had eaten all the way into it, rendering it completely inoperable. They were stranded in deep space.

"This is not good," said Obi-Wan grimly.

"Let's see what's around here," said Anakin, punching a few commands into the computer. "Look, there's a rogue asteroid nearby," he said as the readings came up.

"What help is that to us?" said Obi-Wan.

"Not much, but it's all there is," Anakin replied. "We can send out a distress beacon, maybe the asteroid will help somebody locate us." They started to fly towards it.

When they got within visual range of the asteroid, Obi-Wan gasped and pointed to the computer screen. "We're getting life-form readings," he said. "That's incredible." They soared closer.

There was a tiny colony on the asteroid: a little prefab shelter, an atmosphere generator tower, and an artificial sun mounted atop a very high pole.

"Looks like we're in luck," said Obi-Wan. "Bring her down, we'll see if we can find some help." Anakin landed the ship next to the shelter. They climbed out to find a silver protocol droid walking out from the shelter, coming up to greet them.

"Greetings," said Obi-Wan. "I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight, and this is my Padawan, Anakin Skywalker."

The droid made a big show of stopping and looking over its shoulder, as if to see if there was somebody standing behind. "I'm sorry, were you talking to me? You must have mistaken me for someone who gives a womprat's ass."

The Jedi frowned. They had never heard such language from a protocol droid before.

"Go away," said the droid, waving its arms. "We don't want you here. Shoo. Shoo."

Obi-Wan stepped forward. "Our hyperdrive has failed. We're stranded. We need assistance, please."

"I don't care. Go away," the droid said. Another figure stepped out of the shelter doors, a black-robed humanoid with a hood and a mask covering his head.

"Thank you, F-3P0, but I'll handle it from here," said the figure in the black robe as it walked up to the Jedi.

"Piss off," said the droid to no-one in particular, then it turned and walked back to the shelter.

"Strange droid you have there," said Obi-Wan with a patient smile. "My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi, and this is--"

"Your Padawan, yes, I was listening," said the black robed figure. "Welcome to the Asteroid of Misfit Star Wars Heroes, Jedi. You make take refuge here for as long as you need."

Anakin looked puzzled. "Asteroid of Misfit...?"

"We have all come here because we have no place in the galaxy at large. I, for example, am a Dark Lord of the Sith--"

Anakin's eyes widened with shock. Obi-Wan's hand instantly reached for his lightsaber.

"--Hold on, hold on. Calm down. For the present time, I bear you no grudge, Jedi. For you see, it is the rule that only two Sith Lords can exist at any time: a Master, and an Apprentice. I am neither. I am a third Sith Lord, forgotten, unneeded. You may call me...Darth Extraneous."

"Darth Extraneous?" said Obi-Wan and Anakin in unison.

"As long as the OTHER two Sith Lords in the galaxy are busy working together, I'm a man without a purpose. So fear not, Jedi. For the time being, I do not consider you my enemies."

"How very gracious of you," said Obi-Wan suspiciously, his eyes narrowed to slits.

"Come," said Darth Extraneous, walking back towards the shelter. "Let me introduce you to the rest of the misfits."

* * *

The inside of the shelter was drab but functional. The Sith Lord led them to a common room with several floating couches, a holoprojector, and a bar. There was a skinny Neimoidian wearing loose, natural-fiber clothing sitting on one of the couches, and an attractive young woman in a bright blue robe slouched over the bar.

"Friends," said Darth Extraneous, "these Jedi have come seeking our help. Their ship was damaged and they found themselves stranded in space."

"Gee, that's too bad," snorted the Neimoidian.

"Tough luck," sighed the woman.

"I'm Obi-Wan," said Obi-Wan, "and this is my apprentice, Anakin. We just need to take a look at our hyperdrive, send out a distress beacon..."

The Neimoidian leaned forward. "Do you know how much the average Ugnaught makes for a day's work of assembling hyperdrive components?"

Obi-Wan blinked. "No...?"

"Four dataries a week," said the Neimoidian gravely. "That's not even a living wage. And do you know who lets it happen? The greedy, corporate-controlled, money-loving Republic, that's who."

"Jedi, this is Marxo Zeedong. He found his way here to the Asteroid of Misfits because he's an ardent socialist."

"Only one of my species, or so I hear," Marxo said.

"I see," said Obi-Wan. "Well, it's...nice to meet you, Marxo."

"You don't buy SoroSuub products, do you?" he asked. "Because if you've heard half the stories I have--"

"And what's your name?" interrupted Anakin, eyeing the woman at the bar.

"I'm Racke'," she said.

"Miss Racke' was a royal handmaiden from the planet Naboo," said Darth Extraneous.

Anakin's eyes lit up. "Hey! Do you know Queen Amidala?"

"No," she said bitterly, and took a drink from the glass of quadruple-malt Corellian whiskey resting on the bar in front of her. "They fired me a long time ago because I 'couldn't properly carry out the duties expected of a royal handmaiden.' Whatever." She took another drink.

"What do you mean?" asked Anakin.

"Well, there's really two main things the handmaidens have to do. Number one is shoot straight. Number two is impersonate the Queen."

"So what's the problem?" said Anakin. "Throw on a little white paint and you'd look like the Queen as much as any other handmaiden I know. Do you not like blasters? Is that it?"

"No, I'm a perfect shot. I can hit a two-inch target from fifty paces."

"What is it, then?"

"How can I impersonate the Queen," she asked, sitting up straight for the first time, "with these?" She pulled open the front of her robe, giving the Jedi a brief glimpse of two very large breasts spilling out of a too-small bra. She covered them back up quickly, slumped onto the bar, took another drink, and sighed.

"I...guess that would be a give-away, yeah," said Obi-Wan.

"Impressive," whispered Anakin, staring vacantly. "Most impressive." Obi-Wan thumped him on the shoulder.

"Be mindful, Padawan."

"I just barely fit into a 36 double-Dorn, and that's the largest cup size they make on Naboo," she moaned. "But to impersonate the Queen, you have to wear a size 34 Besh. It's not fair!"

"Master, perhaps you should allow me to apply a Jedi Comforting Technique on her," said Anakin eagerly.

Obi-Wan hooked his hand under Anakin's elbow, holding him back, and turned to the Sith Lord. "Perhaps you should show us the rest of the place," he said.

* * *

Darth Extraneous led the Jedi down a hallway to find some empty quarters where they could stay until their ship was repaired. The hallway was blocked, however, by a big fat Hutt with a trim beard and mustache and a thick head of greasy slicked-back hair.

"Ah, here comes Lubba the Hutt," said Darth.

"Uh-oh, be ready," whispered Obi-Wan. "This could be trouble."

"Oh! I'm so sorry! I'm in your way," exclaimed the Hutt. "Please excuse me. I would turn around and let you through, but-- I'm afraid I can't turn around. You can climb over me, if you like, I won't mind."

Anakin stopped. "Are you sure that's a Hutt?"

"Of course it is," said the Sith Lord. "And you won't find a kinder, gentler, more polite or law-abiding Hutt in all the galaxy. He's the biggest misfit I know, in more ways than one."

"Pleased to meet you," said the Hutt with a wide smile.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker," said the Sith Lord, gesturing to each of the Jedi in turn. "They're Jedi Knights."

"Oh!" gasped the Hutt. "Not only a pleasure, sir, but an honor it is to make your acquaintance. Please forgive me for clumsily getting in your way like this."

"It's quite all right," said Obi-Wan, as the three began to climb over the Hutt to reach the other end of the hallway.

"I'm a CPA," said the Hutt, as Anakin crawled down his back. "Did you know that the Republic Tax Code is over sixteen thousand pages long this year? If you ever need help filing..."

"Jedi don't pay taxes," said Obi-Wan, stepping carefully over the tail. As soon as they had cleared the Hutt, another figure began to approach them from down the hall-- the rude protocol droid who had first come out to meet them, F-3P0.

"Darth, why did you invite these twits in?" it asked.

"Now now, F-3P0, be kind to our guests. They are Jedi Knights, after all."

"Sure, Jedi Knights," scoffed F-3P0. "I haven't seen a bigger pair of fruits since I accidentally walked into the shower and saw Racke's melons."

"You've seen them?" Anakin started, but he was hushed by a stern look from Obi-Wan.

"Come along, let me show you your room," said Darth Extraneous. "After that, I want you to meet the Doctor."

* * *

The room they were to share was small and austere, like the cramped compartments on a star cruiser. The Jedi were well used to such accommodations.

They found the Doctor in his own quarters, seated in a floating hover-chair, reading a datapad full of scientific articles about theoretical particle physics. The Doctor was about three feet tall, covered in thick fur from head to foot, and there was a wooden spear propped up next to his bed.

"Obi-Wan, Anakin, meet Dr. Yub-Yub," said the Sith Lord. "Our resident scientist and expert in all things technical. The Doctor hails from a little-known forest world called Endor."

"Hello," said the Doctor, not bothering to look up from his datapad. "Good to meet you. Please close the door on your way out."

"I'm afraid our friends here have lost their hyperdrive," said Darth Extraneous. "Do we have any tools or parts for hyperdrive repair around here?"

"Hmm. Oh, there might be some in the basement."

"The basement, of course. F-3P0? F-3P0, come here!" The Sith Lord called down the hallway for the protocol droid, who made a loud aggravated sighing sound, turned around, and stomped loudly and slowly towards Dr. Yub-Yub's quarters.

"Yes, what do you want?" it asked, with great irritation evident in its voice.

"F-3P0, would you be so kind as to run down to the basement to bring up our hyperdrive parts and tools?"

"Fuck you," said the droid. "Get them yourself." It turned around and walked back the way it had came.

Darth Extraneous gave the Jedi an embarrassed smile. "I'll get them," he said. But no sooner were the words out of his mouth when alarm klaxons began to sound and red lights began to flash. The asteroid was under attack.

* * *

The two Jedi and the six misfits gathered in the shelter's observation tower, watching silently as the hideous, organic-looking Vong spaceships battered down the asteroid's rapidly-weakening shields.

"Yuuzhan Vong coralskippers," said Obi-Wan grimly, looking at the Vong fact sheet the Jedi Council had given him.

"If these guys are supposed to be so awful, warlike, violent, and nasty," said Anakin, "why'd they go and name their starfighters 'coralskippers?' It sounds like a name for recreational jet skis. Or a tropical beverage. I don't get it."

"I'm having a hard time with the entire concept of living creatures being used as starships capable of faster-than-light travel," said Racke'.

"These creatures just don't BELONG in this galaxy," Darth Extraneous agreed. "What the hell are they doing here, anyway? Who let them come in? And when will they just go away already?"

"We've got to stop them," said Anakin, just as the coralskippers unleashed another barrage of deadly goo at the asteroid's shields.

Suddenly, Dr. Yub-Yub, who had been apart from the others, sitting in his hover-chair and tinkering with some electronic devices, spun around and exclaimed, "Eureka! I've managed to craft a long-range holotransmitter out of spare parts from our broken kitchen appliances! Quick, Jedi-- send an S.O.S. to Coruscant!"

As the assault raged on outside, Obi-Wan and Anakin huddled in front of Dr. Yub-Yub's transmitter and keyed in the frequency for the Jedi Temple on Coruscant.

"We're sorry," came an automated reply, "but the frequency you have dialed is currently--" The message blipped out.

"It's being redirected," muttered Obi-Wan. "I wonder what's going on."

They soon found themselves looking at a tiny holographic image of a disheveled and extremely stressed-looking Master Yoda.

"Master Yoda, we're in serious trouble here. We need help urgently, repeat, urgently, this is an emergency--"

Yoda cut him off. "Unfortunate that is for you. Our own problems we have here."

"What?"

"A deal with the Republic, the Vong have cut. A complete handover of Jedi in exchange for survival."

"You mean--"

"Rose up against us, the citizens of Coruscant did. Powerful the Jedi are, but no match for a panicked mob of billions are ten thousand Jedi."

"Master Yoda, where are you?"

Yoda sighed. "Allowed me to crash in his rec room until blows over does this mess, ex-Chancellor Valorum did."

Obi-Wan's face took on a look of steely determination. "Don't worry, Master Yoda. Stay there and keep safe. Anakin and I will take care of these Yuuzhan Vong scumbags." He flicked off the transmitter and turned to Anakin. "Any ideas?"

Anakin shrugged. "Wait for them to land, then hack them to pieces with our laser swords?"

"Lightsaber, Anakin. It's called a lightsaber. And yes, I think that's a fine idea. Darth, is there anywhere we can go to take cover from the aerial bombardment?"

"Under Lubba's enormous Hutt ass, perhaps?" suggested F-3P0.

"Quiet, you," said Marxo. "None of this would be happening if the Republic simply showed respect for the Vong culture. They have their own galaxy and their own way of life that we don't necessarily understand, just because we aren't familiar with it. That's no reason to judge them harshly and call them our enemies."

"What are you talking about? They're merciless, amoral, pillaging slime who spend all their time killing things and cutting off their own body parts," said Racke'.

"Right," said Marxo. "They're not like us. Try to be open-minded!"

"Come on," said Obi-Wan, as another volley of Vong projectiles blasted the shield. "We need cover. Now. Somebody think."

"To the caves!" cried Dr. Yub-Yub.

* * *

They watched from the mouth of a cave, breathing air from the portable atmosphere generator strapped to Lubba's tail, as the Vong invaded the base and tore it to pieces.

"Oh, and I worked so hard to keep that place clean!" groaned F-3P0. He held out his arms and extended his two metallic middle fingers. "Go to hell, you fuckers! Lousy Vong..."

"You guys had better get back," said Anakin, waving the misfits towards the depths of the cave. "We'll wait for them to come to us."

"Let me fight at your side, Jedi," said Darth Extraneous, holding up his double-bladed lightsaber. "It would be a pleasure for me to help you destroy the Vong. I feel comfortable speaking for all Sith when I say that we can't stand them, either."

Obi-Wan gave him a wary glance, then shrugged. "All right."

They waited.

And waited.

After about two hours, a pack of Vong scouts noticed them peering from the mouth of the cave, and rallied a group of about twenty warriors to go slaughter them.

The Jedi and the Sith activated their lightsabers and stood ready, waiting for the scarred, tattooed warriors to come to them.

"Ho, Jedi!" shouted the lead Vong when it came within a few yards of the cave. "Throw down your puny weapons and surrender, and we might show mercy and sacrifice you to one of our more agreeable gods."

"Never!" yelled Obi-Wan.

"I'd sooner kiss a Wookiee," sneered Anakin.

"Prepare to die, skull-face!" roared Darth.

The Vong warriors charged. The Jedi and the Sith rushed up to meet them, lightsabers flashing, dodging blows from the crude battle-axes the Vong used as weapons.

Anakin started to taunt them. "You think you can beat us with those stone-age axes? Don't make me laugh."

"These aren't axes!" screamed a Vong, taking a swing at Anakin's head. "They're Rendiculan whangmorbs, and our Vong alchemists bred them specially to serve as lethal cutting weapons! Their dorsal fins are as hard as diamonds and as sharp as razors!"

"So, it's an axe, but you grew it from an animal instead of putting it together from cheap inanimate parts," said Anakin, parrying the blow. "Brilliant, and, may I add, very efficient. You Vong are REALLY advanced, uh-huh."

"Shut up!" yelled the Vong. "The Vong revere life! We would never stoop to making our tools out of dead things!"

"'Revere life,' ribbon-face? Say, why don't you ask that Ridiculous whang-whatever how 'revered' it feels whenever you go swinging it into things. By the way, did you have an accident when you were shaving this morning, or is your face supposed to look like that?"

The Vong was about to reply, but Anakin cut off the creature's head before it could get the words out. But right away, two more Vong warriors stepped in to take its place.

"Your technology is no match for Vong bio-warfare!" snarled one of them. It opened its hand, and a little flying insect hopped out. "See how quickly my Dumkonsept moth burrows into your head and lays its deadly eggs in your brain!" The moth started to fly towards Anakin, who simply stood still and held his lightsaber up, perfectly straight.

The moth circled the lightsaber blade a few times, then flew right into it and died. "Ha," said Anakin. "Just like the pest zappers back home."

"Feel the wrath of my Yhuuvga'atabiikyddingmee blob-launcher!" shouted the other Vong, holding up a fat frog-like creature that looked bloated and unhappy.

"How do you guys make all these stupid creatures, anyway?" asked Anakin.

"Bio-engineering!" snapped the Vong. "Alchemy! Genetic manipulation! Your unworthy Jedi mind wouldn't be able to comprehend how it works."

"Right, but how do you do the engineering without using technology?"

"With rocks!" cried the Vong, using the frog creature to launch a blob of gooey acid at Anakin, who deftly side-stepped it. "And twigs! And bugs and spit!" After missing two more shots, he gave up and threw the whole frog at Anakin, who did a forward-flip over the Vong's head and jammed his lightsaber straight backwards, impaling the Vong from behind.

"Next," said Anakin, straightening his lightsaber.

"We could use a little help over here," said Obi-Wan, who, along with the Sith Lord, was holding back a relentless onslaught from four armored Vong warriors. Anakin ran up and slashed his blade along the midsection of one of the warriors, but as soon as the blade touched the Vong's armor, it sparked and sputtered and did no damage at all.

"What the hell?" said Anakin, puzzled.

"Our armor can protect us from your lightsabers, Jedi! And our alien Vong brains are immune to your crude mind tricks! You can't possibly stop us!"

"Yeah, but you've still got a physical body to manipulate, and everybody's gotta breathe," said Anakin. "What happens if I do this?" He made a grasping motion with his hand, focusing his Force energies on the Vong's throat.

"Nothing. I'm fine," said the Vong, although his voice sounded a little strained.

"How about now?" said Anakin, tightening his Force-grip.

"I'm...fine...no...problem...gaaak..." The Vong crumpled to the ground, dead of asphyxiation.

"Wow, that was totally wizard," said Anakin with a big grin. "Hey Obi-Wan, you've got to try that."

"That's not a bad idea," said Darth Extraneous. "What about this?" He twitched his hand, using the Force to loosen the fasteners on one of the Vong's suit of bio-armor. It fell off, leaving the Vong bare to the waist. The Sith Lord ran him through with his lightsaber.

But it was no good. There were still more than a dozen Vong to deal with, and many more were coming to join the battle. The Jedi knew they couldn't hope to hold out against such numbers for long. The Vong began to attack in mass, backing their opponents up to the cave walls, swinging their bio-axes relentlessly.

Dr. Yub-Yub came gliding out from the black depths of the cave. "Get back!" shouted Darth. "It's still not safe, Doctor! Look after the others!"

"I'm here to save your hides!" said the Doctor. "I managed to put together a crude thermal detonator from some of F-3P0's non-vital components. Stand back!"

"Wait!" cried the Sith Lord, but Obi-Wan could see the resolve in the furry little creature's eyes, and he grabbed the Sith and his Padawan and ran with them back into the cave.

"Aiieeeyeeee-aaah!!" shrieked Dr. Yub-Yub, loosing a traditional war-cry as he charged the Vong and pulled the pin on the thermal detonator. The explosion was tremendous, and rocks and rubble poured from the ceiling of the cave, sealing off the mouth. When the carnage had settled, the Jedi and the Sith cautiously reapproached. There blast hadn't left a single Vong alive.

"Poor little guy," said Anakin quietly.

"He sacrificed himself that we might live," Obi-Wan whispered.

"At least we won't have to listen to any of his native folk songs anymore," sighed Darth. "'Celebrate the Love,' indeed."

They walked back into the darkness to rejoin the others.



To be continued...