Chapter 2

Obi-Wan, Anakin, and the surviving misfits held a strategy planning meeting in a large hollow chamber deep inside the cave. The generator strapped to the Hutt was still pumping out oxygen, and for light they made a bonfire out of wiring and insulation fibers they got out of F-3P0, who stood in a corner cradling his ransacked innards and muttering black and profane curses against the Jedi, who he blamed for all his present misfortunes.

"If we had Jedi-- lots of Jedi-- we could take them out, no problem," said Anakin.

"And that's the one thing we don't have," said Obi-Wan. "You and I and Master Yoda may be the only Jedi left in the galaxy, Anakin. Those filthy Vong have probably already fed the other 9,997 to their war-god, Yambo or Yamhock or whatever it's called."

"Well, the only difference between me and a Jedi is that I'm evil," said Darth Extraneous. "And I know there's two other Sith Lords out there somewhere. Maybe they would help."

"Uh, yes, that'll make an interesting 'Plan B,'" said Obi-Wan. "But for now, let's see if we can do it on our own."

"First and foremost, we've got to get off this asteroid," said Racke', and the truth of what she said was punctuated by the sound of another explosion near the entrance. The Vong were trying to blast their way back in, using their specially-bred explosive Abshurdian nitro-gophers, cute little furry mammals that burrowed into the rubble and detonated themselves with the force of a class-six concussion grenade.

"She's right," said Anakin, always more than happy to agree with whatever Racke' had to say.

"Where would we go?" asked Marxo. "The Vong have overrun most of the galaxy already. Just like gigantic interplanetary conglomerates and the corporate exploitation of the disempowered working class."

The rest of the group stared blankly at him for a moment, then went ahead with their discussion. "We could go to Huttspace," suggested Lubba. "Most Hutts are pretty tough. They probably won't give up without a hard fight. We might be safe there."

"Going to Huttspace carries its own set of risks," said Racke'. "We could go to my home planet. They'd protect us."

"That sounds great!" said Anakin brightly. "I'd love to see Naboob again-- I mean, uh..." Racke' gave him a dirty look and crossed her arms over her chest protectively.

"The Vong may already be there," said Obi-Wan, and nobody wanted to think about what that would mean for poor Amidala and Jar Jar Binks. An uncomfortable silence passed, until the sound of another gopher explosion ripped through the air.

"You're all a bunch of morons," F-3P0 said bitterly.

"Look," Darth began, "we know you're sore about having to give up so many of your internal parts..."

"That's not it-- although I do think you're also a pack of cannibalistic vultures, and you can expect to hear from my attorney when all this is over," the droid said. "I meant that you're morons for bickering about which planet to fly off to when none of you are going to get ANYWHERE without going through those horrid awful nasty beasts outside the cave. All your precious travel plans are going to go to waste when those dreadful things storm in here and bash us all to bits."

"I hate to say it, but he's right," said Racke'.

"Maybe we could use the Force to cloak or disguise ourselves, and sneak out without them noticing us," said the Sith Lord.

"Not a bad thought, but those damned Force-impaired Vong would probably be able to see through the cloak, or something," sighed Obi-Wan.

"You know, this just isn't right. The Republic has been maintaining order in the galaxy for thousands upon thousands of years-- how can a bunch of self-mutilating religious fanatics make the whole thing fall apart so easily?" Anakin asked.

"I wish I knew, Padawan. I wish I knew."

"There's got to be a way to defeat them."

"There must be, Padawan. But the key to victory eludes us yet. I feel we can never find it unless, perhaps, we attempt to reestablish our inner tranquility within the Force."

"Master Obi-Wan, I don't understand."

"Excuse me."

"Well, Master Qui-Gon used to remind me to 'concentrate on the living Force.' He was trying to tell me not to get so wrapped up in planning out future events, or analyzing the past, but to focus on what was relevant in the here and now."

"Excuse me."

"Not now, Hutt. We're trying to figure out how to escape. Now, Anakin, as I was saying. The living Force differs from the unifying Force in that it--"

"Please forgive me for interrupting, Master Jedi sir, but I had an idea how we might do that," said Lubba rather timidly.

"Oh? How?"

"What if you were to take your lightsabers and carve out a tunnel to the surface, away from where the Vong are coming?"

Anakin and Obi-Wan looked at each other. "Um, yeah, I guess that might work," said the elder Jedi.

"I could help," said the Sith Lord.

"There's just one problem with that," said Racke'. "Once we're back on the surface, then what? How do we get off the asteroid?"

"We have a ship," said Obi-Wan, "but it's only a two-seater. And it doesn't have a working hyperdrive. I'm afraid it won't do us much good."

"We could steal one of their...I still have a hard time saying the word...'coralskippers,'" suggested Anakin.

Marxo shot him a glance. "Who's going to fly the thing, kid? You?"

Anakin met eyes with the Neimoidian. "You bet I could. I'm not such a bad pilot." He turned to Obi-Wan. "We don't have to sit here and listen to this..."

"No, I agree with Marxo," Obi-Wan said. "I'm not getting in one of those things. I bet it's all slimy and oogy inside."

"Ew," said Racke', imagining.

F-3P0 sighed loudly.

"Yes, did you have something else you wanted to say?" asked Darth Extraneous.

"I have a ship," said the droid.

"You what?"

"I have a ship," he repeated. "I used it to get to the asteroid all those years ago. I hid it in a canyon on the other side of the asteroid so none of you sons of bitches would find it. I just knew if you did, you'd fuck it all up." He sighed again. "But, it seems that's the only way I'll be able to save myself-- letting you yammering dolts get your greasy fingerprints all over my beautiful ship."

"Master?" said Anakin.

"Start carving," said Obi-Wan.

* * *

They emerged from a cliffside with not a Vong in sight. From there, it was only a four-hour walk to the canyon where F-3P0's ship was concealed.

"By the blistered brain of Exar Kun, how in the Sith hell did you get your hands on an entire Marauder corvette?" Darth Extraneous gasped when the huge, well-armed, streamlined ship came into view.

"Look, I had a lot going on before I came to this asteroid," the droid said. "My life didn't begin the day I moved in with you freaks."

"Can you fly it?" Obi-Wan inquired.

"No. That stupid furball removed the part of my servo-brain that controls vehicle operation to make his stupid thermal detonator."

"Dibs," said Anakin quickly.

"All right," said Obi-Wan. "Anakin will pilot, and I'll ride shotgun. Marxo, you work on getting a holomessage transmitted to-- on second thought, Racke', you handle communications, and Marxo, you stay in the engine room and make sure nothing goes wrong in there, okay? Keep an eye out for anything that looks like it might have been manufactured by underpaid third-worlders and give me a full report when we land, whenever that is."

The Neimoidian seemed satisfied. "Very well."

"Where are we going?" Darth asked.

"I've decided," said Obi-Wan. "Tatooine."

"Tatooine? Why Tatooine?"

Obi-Wan shrugged. "I just remembered a line I once read in the Journal of the Whills: 'When in doubt, go to Tatooine.' It's not like anybody was coming up with any better ideas."

"Sounds good to me!" said Anakin. "Hey, we can finally free my Mom!"

They boarded the ship and blasted off into hyperspace immediately, before the Vong coralskippers could round the asteroid and attack.

* * *

From a distance, Tatooine looked fine. There were no Vong worldships or coralskippers or dovetail basalts or anything of the sort. But when they got close enough to see Mos Espa on the planet surface, several smoking craters were visible within the city limits.

"Doesn't look good," said Obi-Wan quietly. They set the ship down, and Anakin left all of them trailing behind as he rushed towards Watto's shop at full speed.

He found his old owner sitting on the steps of his shop, his face buried in his hands. The old Toydarian looked up when he heard Anakin approaching, and his jaw dropped with surprise. "Anakin? Anakin, is thatta you? Holy poodoo, kid, I can'ta believe it! It'sa my little peedunkee!"

"Watto," was all Anakin said by way of greeting. "What happened? Where's my Mom?"

"Oh, Ani...Ani, it was terrible...they tooka my wings, Ani...they tooka my wings..." It was true. His wings had been sliced neatly off, and were roughly bandaged.

"Who?" said Anakin, already knowing the answer but not wanting to admit it to himself. "And where's my mother?"

"I don'ta know, kid...summa crazy motherfuckers who calla themselves the Vong...reala ugly sonsa bitches." He looked up, and for the first time Anakin saw something resembling compassion in the old Toydarian's eyes. "Your momma didn't make it, Ani."

"They killed her," said Anakin in a cold, emotionless voice.

"I'ma sorry, kid...there wassa nothing I coulda do..." Obi-Wan and the Sith Lord turned a corner, finally catching up with Anakin.

"That's it," said Anakin.

"Anakin? What's going on?" said Obi-Wan. "Who's this?" he asked, looking at Watto.

"Those...pricks...are...SO...dead..." Anakin said through gritted teeth.

"Whoa! Somebody took a dip in the Dark Side of the pool today! What's the matter with you, Anakin? You look angry...and you know what anger leads to."

"Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering," said Anakin, his voice like ice.

"That's right, so just take a few breaths, calm down, and tell me what--"

"I HATE those Vong. And I am SO going to make them suffer."

"Anakin? You're creeping me out. What happened?"

"Shut up anda show a little respect. Peedunkee justa found out hissa momma died."

"Oh, no," Obi-Wan moaned. He turned to Darth Extraneous. "You might as well just take him as your apprentice now. There's no way I'm getting him back from the Dark Side after this." Anakin, not listening to them, was already pacing in circles with his lightsaber lit, periodically swinging it at imaginary Vong and muttering gruesome threats and curses under his breath. At that point, Marxo Zeedong and L-3P0 caught up, surveying the strange tableau before them as they approached.

"I think we walked in on an awkward moment," said Marxo, after catching his breath.

"Anakin, listen. We'll bring the Vong to justice, okay? I promise. But you've got to get a hold of yourself. I can't work with you when you're like this," said Obi-Wan.

"Screw justice," said Anakin. "I want to make those bastards pay. I want bloody, unholy revenge. I want to see them begging for mercy-- which they won't FUCKING get-- at the end of my laser sword."

"Anakin. Seriously. You are totally, one hundred percent in the Dark Side right now. I need you to snap out of it."

"I want to hear the cries of their children and the lamentations of their women. I want to be the most horrible thing that has ever happened to the Vong. I want them to write songs and epics and tragedies about what a BAD-ASS MOTHERFUCKER Anakin Skywalker is and about how he TOTALLY fucked up their ENTIRE planet and civilization REAL BAD."

"Anakin, you and I really ought to have a long talk sometime," said Darth Extraneous admiringly.

Anakin looked up. "What are we waiting around here for? There's no Vong around here. Where's the nearest Vong I can gut like a fish?"

Obi-Wan turned to Watto. "Do you have a holotransmitter I could use? I think this merits an emergency call to Master Yoda..."

"Coruscant is longa distance," said Watto. "Itsa gonna costa you."

Lubba finally came shuffling up, shaking like a bowl full of jelly. "Where's Racke'?" Marxo asked him. The Hutt shrugged.

"She was trailing behind me, last I saw."

Obi-Wan and Watto went inside the shop to make the call to Yoda. Meanwhile, Darth coached Anakin on the finer points of rage-honing and grudge-holding, but the Jedi, still seething, was only half listening. Several moments later, Racke' arrived.

"How is it that the Hutt got here faster than you did?" Marxo asked.

"If you had these, you wouldn't run either," said Racke' with a cursory nod downwards.

Obi-Wan came out of the shop holding a portable transmitter in his hand, upon which a tiny flickering image of Yoda was standing.

"Make this quick, you must. A tap on our line, they may have."

"Master Yoda," said Obi-Wan, "talk some sense into Anakin. Please. You're our only hope."

Yoda sighed. "Yes, yes." He cleared his throat. "To me you must listen, Anakin. Much danger I sense, if to the Dark Side you turn. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny."

"Dominate?" said Anakin. "Sounds cool. I'd sure like to dominate those filthy fucks who killed my Mom."

"No, boy, no!" said Yoda, perturbed. "Hear carefully my words! Once towards darkness you face, forever will it invade your thoughts!"

"You know what would be a good Sith name?" asked Darth Extraneous. "'Darth Invader.'"

Anakin turned. "No, I've got it-- 'Darth VADER.'"

The Sith Lord clasped his hands together and beamed with joy. "You're right, Anakin. That's much better."

"Stay out of this," said Obi-Wan.

"It suits you, too..."

"Hey!" said Anakin. "Speaking of suits, that gives me a great idea." He rushed into Watto's shop, not bothering to wait to hear what else Master Yoda had to say.

"Doomed we are," Yoda sighed. "As good as the next Sith Lord the boy already is." He hung up the transmitter on his end, and the hologram vanished.

Anakin stayed in the back of Watto's shop for the rest of the day, and no-one, not even Racke', could persuade him to come out or say what he was doing.

* * *

When Anakin finally emerged, it was clear that he had been quite busy with the various odds and ends of junk and machinery that had been lying around in heaps in the back of the shop. He had fashioned himself a suit of cyborg armor: a glowing breastplate, thick gauntlets, a jet-back domed helmet, skull-crushing boots, and a fearsome black mask.

"Padawan, I do NOT approve," said Obi-Wan.

"Come on, Master. This'll make the Vong piss themselves with fear!"

"Jedi aren't supposed to inspire fear, Anakin. Take it off."

"Fine," Anakin said sulkily, shucking off the mask and helm. As he was unstrapping the breastplate, he turned to Watto and said, "Hang on to these. I'll be coming back for them once I make Knight and I don't have to let him boss me around anymore."

"I hopa I live thatta longo," sniffed Watto.

"Anakin, if you're ready, we can leave Tatooine," said Obi-Wan. "We took a vote and decided that the best course of action would be to go to Kashyyyk and try to rally the Wookiees to fight against the Yuuzhan Vong."

"Good idea," said Anakin. "If there's anything that could tear apart a Vong with its bare hands without breaking a sweat, it's a Wookiee."

"I'm not going." Everyone turned to see who had spoken. It was Marxo Zeedong. "I've decided to stay here on Tatooine and join a moisture farming collective."

Darth patted him on the shoulder. "It's going to be hard to leave you, old chum. You never really had anything relevant to say, and you never did anything particularly remarkable, but...it's not going to be the same around here without you."

Racke' walked up to him and said, "That's right, Marxo. I know we never got to know each other very well, and I never really understood what you were talking about all the time, but I'm going to miss you." Then she gave him a big hug.

"Lucky," muttered Anakin.

"Keep fighting the good fight!" said Marxo as he walked off into the sunsets. "Don't let the bastards drag you down!"

"Goodbye, Marxo!" Lubba said, emotion in his voice and a single tear running down the side of his huge slimy face.

"So long, comrades!" said Marxo. "Get the word out about the disenfranchised Dugs of Malastare! And don't forget to boycott SoroSuub products!" Everybody waved.

"Fucking twerp," muttered F-3P0, as soon as the Neimoidian was out of earshot.

"His heart was in the right place," said Racke'.

"Yes, but his brain was wedged three feet up his ass," said the droid.

"Enough," said Obi-Wan. "Back to the Marauder. We're going to Kashyyyk!" They began to trudge back towards the waiting ship.

"Wait!" cried Watto. "Don'ta leava me here! I'ma lonely anda poor anda this place getsa deader by the dayo! Taka me with you!" He trotted pathetically after the group.

Obi-Wan and Anakin stopped and exchanged a look.

"I'ma begging you," Watto pleaded. "Pleasa, peedunkee, I'ma the closest thing to a poppa you ever had. Don'ta letta me die here."

Anakin rolled his eyes. "Fine. Not like you deserve it or anything, but come on." He turned to Obi-Wan. "This means I get to take my armor with us."

"Yippee!" exclaimed Watto, and the flightless Toydarian raced up to join the rest of the misfits.

* * *

It was about halfway through the hyperjump to Kashyyyk, and everybody on the ship was asleep except for Obi-Wan and Anakin. Anakin, unable to do anything but stay up and nurse plans of revenge for his mother's death, sat in the pilot's seat, staring into hyperspace, thinking vengeful thoughts.

Obi-Wan approached his Padawan slowly, quietly. He took a seat beside him in the navigator's chair. "Anakin," he said. "I've been thinking."

"About what?" said Anakin, still staring darkly into the distance.

"You know, I don't doubt that the Wookiees will agree to help us, and I'm sure they're strong enough to rip a Vong into shreds, but, well, don't you just get the feeling that the Vong will have some all-too-perfect way to compensate for their obvious inferiority?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like...like...like they'll have magic lizards that eat only Wookiee eyeballs, or some sort of spores that make Wookiees allergic to their own fur, or something like that. Something completely ludicrous and implausible that will nullify our clear advantage."

"So? What can we do about that?"

"What I've come to decide," said Obi-Wan, "is that what we really need is more Jedi."

"But they're all gone."

"Yes, they are. But we could get...new Jedi."

"Where? How? We don't exactly have the option of searching all over the galaxy at our leisure," said Anakin.

"Anakin, you've got enough midichlorians in your bloodstream for at least...say, four Jedi."

Anakin gave his master a funny look. "You'll forgive me if I don't laugh, Master, but I don't think--" He blinked. "You WERE joking, right Master?"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures..."

Anakin sat bolt upright. "Stop it, Kenobi. My Mom just died, I've been through enough hell already. Quit messing with my head."

"Who's messing? Do you really want to get revenge on the Vong, or not?"

Anakin grimaced. "I have a bad feeling about this..."

* * *

By the time the ship blasted out of hyperspace, Anakin was lying on a cot in the captain's quarters, very pale and very still, his left arm heavily bandaged.

"I don't feel so good," he said quietly.

"Hush, I'm testing Racke'," said Obi-Wan. He turned to face the young woman and held up a small device that resembled a paddle. "Now, tell me what you see."

"A ship...a cup...a speeder..." she said.

"Very good," said Obi-Wan, turning off the Jedi testing device. "The transfusion seems to have gone perfectly. Lubba rejected Anakin's midichlorians three times before they finally took, but now he's already learned to levitate small objects. And you should see how good Watto is with the mind tricks!"

"I have a BAD feeling about this," moaned Anakin.

"Padawan, please. You've said that about twenty times in the last hour. This is working brilliantly!"

F-3P0 stepped into the room. "I thought you might want to know that we've left hyperspace and we'll be reaching Kashyyyk in about twenty minutes."

"Excellent. Thanks," said Obi-Wan.

"Why can't I be a Jedi, too?" asked the droid.

"I already told you, you don't have a circulatory system, so there's nowhere for me to transfer the midichlorians from Anakin's blood."

"Fucking bigots," muttered F-3P0 as he turned and left.

"How are we going to get lightsabers for everybody?" asked Racke'.

"Good question," said Obi-Wan. "Well, I've got my spare. Anakin, do you still have yours?"

"Of course," croaked Anakin.

"There you go. I'll give you my spare, and Anakin can give Watto his."

"What about Lubba?"

"Oh, right. Lubba. Hm." The Jedi thought for a moment, then called out loudly, "Darth! Can you come here for a second?"

The Sith Lord dashed right over. "Yes?"

"Can I see your lightsaber?"

"Sure," said the Sith Lord. He handed the Jedi his double-bladed Sith lightsaber. Obi-Wan took it, held it up, and cracked it in half on his knee.

"Give one of these to Lubba," said Obi-Wan, handing both halves back to Darth Extraneous. He turned to Racke'. "See? Problem solved."

"Very resourceful, Master Jedi," said Racke' with a smile as Darth, a bit stunned, walked out of the room staring at his broken saber.

"'Be prepared,' that's the Jedi motto," said Obi-Wan, returning the smile. "Now, let's get you fitted for your Jedi tunic. Lift up your arms, please..."



To be continued...