Chapter 3

"My ship! My beautiful, beautiful ship! You horrible, disgusting pigs have ruined it!" shrieked F-3P0 when first he spied the scorch marks and saber burns that covered the interior of the Marauder's cargo hold. Obi-Wan and Darth Extraneous had been attempting to teach their three new Padawans the art of lightsaber fencing.

Only Watto, surprisingly enough, showed any level of proficiency. "When I wassa youngo, I had to learn how to fighta with a knife," he explained. The Hutt was too slow, and his arms too fat, to give him any decent control over his blade, and he ended up nicking his tough hide several times in his attempt to master some of the basic holds and parries. Racke' tried the best she could, but her abundant female anatomy kept getting in the way.

Anakin was still in the captain's cot, recovering.

"Ohh! The horror, the horror!" the droid went on. "After all I've done for you ungrateful fucks, you have the nerve to befoul my beautiful, pristine Marauder! Oh, think of the resale value lost! Why don't you just kill me now? I mean it! Just deactivate me and rob me of my innards and leave me for dead, you sword-swinging maniacs! I can't bear it anymore! My only happiness will come when I see you all rotting in hell, so just go ahead put me out of my misery, please!"

"Whatever you saya, droido," said Watto, waddling up to F-3P0 and twirling his lightsaber up with a quick snap of his wrist that left the droid bisected at the waist. It fell to the ground with a heavy crash and its optical sensors went dim. "Well, thatsa that," said Watto. He scowled at the four faces staring at him with surprise. "Don't tella me you alla didn't wanta to do the same thing! He wassa asking for it!"

"I think now would be a good time to take a break from lightsaber practice," said Obi-Wan. "Let's land the ship and see if we can recruit a few good Wookiees."

They drove the ship into the atmosphere of Kashyyyk and set it on a large landing pad placed among the treetops. Anakin was still quite out of it, so it was Obi-Wan who manned the controls.

* * *

Anakin Skywalker, woozy and lightheaded from massive blood loss, as well as the removal of about 3/4 of his precious midichlorians, tried to hold his head upright while he attempted to put F-3P0 back together again. Apparently Watto had destroyed the droid in a fit of pique, but nobody gave it a second thought until it became apparent that the droid was their only means of communicating with the Wookiees. Nobody else on the ship spoke Wookiee, and Jedi mind-reading could only go so far. So while the Marauder waited on the landing pad, slowly attracting a large crowd of curious Wookiees who wanted to see what would eventually come out, Obi-Wan had roused Anakin from his half-comatose sleep, saying, "Hey Padawan, remember that droid you built for your mother? We need a little help putting F-3P0 back together."

Anakin was having difficulty reattaching severed wires in the droid's torso because his left arm kept going completely numb.

Obi-Wan breezed into the room. "How's it going, Padawan?" he asked. "Could you hurry it up? I think those Wookiees are starting to get suspicious."

"Can't you send them a little mental greeting-card with your Jedi mind powers?" asked Anakin, his speech slightly slurred.

"Not a bad idea, but I think we should lead with the droid, just in case the Wookiees have cut a deal with the Vong to hand over Jedi in exchange for not having their planet wiped out. Keep working!" He left the room.

Anakin clipped a pair of connectors together, and F-3P0's optical sensors lit up. "...And another thing. If you bastards don't stop..." It trailed off. "Where am I? What happened? Oh! I remember now! That despicable little shit Watto cut me in half with his lightsaber! How RUDE!"

"You work," said Anakin, with a dumb smile. At last, he could sleep again...

Footsteps echoed down the hall. Obi-Wan appeared in the doorway. "Did I just hear what I think I heard? Anakin, you brought him back! Nice job, Padawan!"

"Oh, no! Go away! I'm not speaking to you!" screeched the droid. "You let this happen to me, you son of a Gungan whore! You and your asinine Jedi nonsense!"

"I suppose this wouldn't be the best time to tell you that we need your help."

"Help? Help? You've got to be fucking kidding me! Whatever you need help with, I hope it fails miserably and you all die!"

"F-3P0, put your personal feelings aside for the moment and think of...well, think of the welfare of all droids, everywhere. The Vong HATE droids. Wherever they seize power, they demolish all the droids. If you help us talk to these Wookiees so we can get them to join our cause, then we might be able to save thousands and thousands of your fellow droids from being hurt. Think about it, won't you?"

"Well," said F-3P0 slowly, "when you put it that way...all right. I'll speak to the Wookiees for you. I am fluent in over 4.5 million forms of communication, after all."

"That's my droid," said Obi-Wan with a grin. Anakin had passed out at some point during his master's conversation with F-3P0.

* * *

F-3P0, moving slowly and cautiously in its repaired body-- the two halves had been hastily welded together, and he felt a terrible stiffness about the waist-- walked down the Marauder's ramp and faced the throng of hairy Wookiees. He prepared to address the creatures in their native language.

"Greetings," said the droid. "I have come to bring you a warning. There are wicked space pirates aboard this ship! They've come to enslave your women and your children and sell them to the spice mines of Kessel! If you value your lives, go in and kill them all now! Now!"

That was all the Wookiees needed to hear. The entire crowd charged towards the ramp. "That's it!" shouted the droid, cheering them on. "Take no prisoners! Be vicious! Especially to the little pot-bellied blue one!"

* * *

Racke' sat up straight and blinked. "Huh. Weird," she said.

"What is it?" asked Obi-Wan, pacing around anxiously as he waited to hear the Wookiees' answer to their request.

"I just had a bad feeling about something," she said.

Obi-Wan frowned. "That IS weird. I did too."

"So did I," called Lubba, who was fixing a snack on the other side of the room.

"Anda me," said Watto.

"I as well," murmured the Sith Lord. "Very odd."

Anakin suddenly staggered into the room, eyes wide with dark circles under them, white as a ghost, trailing loose bandages from his arm. "I just..." he wheezed, "had a..."

"That does it," said Obi-Wan, running for the controls. "I'm taking the ship off, NOW." He nearly flew into the pilot's seat, madly throwing levers and punching buttons to initiate takeoff.

There were about six furious Wookiees clinging to the Marauder's ramp when the ship lifted into the air. The ship had practically cleared the planet's stratosphere before the last one finally let go.

* * *

"Okay," said Obi-Wan, "so the Wookiee thing was a bust. A great, big, bust." He blinked and averted his eyes from Racke's chest. "I mean, it didn't work out the way we planned."

"We shouldn't have sent F-3P0 out like that while he was still mad at us," Lubba said. "I think all the poor guy wanted was an apology." The Hutt's chin started to tremble. "Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye..." Racke' gave him a reassuring pat on the back.

"Now what?" asked Anakin, who was feeling somewhat better.

"We ought to go on a commando raid to take out the Vong's 'war coordinator,'" Darth said. "Without it, they'll probably fall into disarray."

"You mean the yamblock?" said Anakin.

"Yes, I think that's what it's called."

"No, it's the yahtzee," said Obi-Wan.

"No, that's the name of their war god," said Racke'. "The war coordinator thing is called the yukelele, I think."

"Whatever it's called, we should kill it," said Darth.

"It'll be too well guarded," said Obi-Wan.

Anakin stood up. "Look, can we quit arguing back and forth about this, and just go whale on some Vong already? I'm starting to regain sensation in my fingertips again, and I'm ready to go kick some crag-faced alien ass."

"He's right," said the Sith Lord. "We've been letting these Vong bastards intimidate us for far too long. They're nothing compared to us! It's high time we came out of hiding and showed those slimeballs who REALLY calls the shots in this galaxy!"

"Right on, Darth!" said Anakin.

"I agree," said Racke'. "We're wasting our time. Let's DO something about this invasion."

"I concur. The time to act is now," said Lubba the Hutt.

"I'ma witha you too," said Watto.

"Well," said Obi-Wan, "I guess I don't even need to bother to vote, do I? I'll correct our hyperspace course. The Vong base is in the Anoat system, right?"

"Who cares what planet they're on?" asked Anakin. "They suck, we need them gone, that's all anybody needs to know. Let's go!"

* * *

The Marauder tore through a blocking line of coralskippers, taking a few hard hits to its shields on the way into the thin atmosphere of the barren planet Anoat.

As soon as the five-Jedi-and-one-Sith had descended the boarding ramp of their starship, they could see column after column of Vong battalions marching towards them, eager to kill. They could hear cries of "Infidel!" and "Die, unworthy Jedi!" coming from every direction.

"Um," said Racke', "there's six of us and about ten thousand of them. How is this supposed to work, again?"

"Trust in the Force, Racke'," said Obi-Wan. "After all, it's with us, not them. It won't let us down."

"I hopa you're righto, or elsa this isa gonna be the shortest offensive of alla time," said Watto.

They formed a defensive circle and held their lightsabers in guard positions as they waited for the Vong to come within melee range. The scarred warriors had their snake-whips, their fish-axes, their frog-cannons, and a variety of other strange bio-weapons. And they were all wearing armor made out of some sort of crustacean shell.

"For the glory of the Vong!" growled one warrior, lunging at Obi-Wan, who parried the attack and tried to counter-strike with his lightsaber. But the Jedi's weapon could not cut through the Vong's crab-shell armor.

"Dammit, I forgot about the armor," said Obi-Wan. "I think we're in trouble." Using their newly-acquired Jedi skills, Racke', Watto, and Lubba were able to help Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Darth hold off the attacking Vong, but the alien warriors' armor made it impossible for them to go on the offensive. They could only block and parry, and they knew sooner or later they would exhaust themselves and be overpowered by the Vong.

"We're in trouble," Racke' agreed. Lubba bellowed in pain as one of the Vong scored a hit on his tail. The poor Hutt had a lot of body to defend. He struck back at the Vong who had wounded him, but his lightsaber only fizzled against the warrior's armor.

"We're alla gonna die!" said Watto.

"This is totally wrong," said Anakin, disgusted. "Not only are these lightsabers supposed to be pure energy blades, but they also represent the transcendental mystic power of the Force and everything that being a Jedi is all about. How completely screwed up is it that they can't even hurt bunch of freaks wearing leftovers from a seafood buffet?"

Suddenly, a shimmering, translucent figure appeared in the air. It was a man with long hair, a beard, and striking features. The ghostly image wore Jedi robes.

"Master Qui-Gon!" gasped Obi-Wan and Anakin.

"Hello, boys." The apparition of Qui-Gon Jinn glanced around at the surrounding hordes of Vong. "Looks like a real fine mess you've gotten yourselves into here."

"Nice to see you again, too, Master," said Obi-Wan as he ducked under a wild axe swing, "but if you'd waited a few more minutes, I think you'd find us all 'one with the Force' like yourself."

"Giving up so easily, Padawan? I came to help. As you've no doubt noticed by now, your weapons are useless against your enemies' armor. You must turn your lightsabers up to 11."

"To 11?" said Anakin. "But the highest power setting on a lightsaber is 10."

"Only the Council is supposed to know about it. Depa Billaba told me the secret before I passed away...this one night, we were up really late doing shots of Gungan rum, and she-- well, anyway, you know what to do. Make me proud, boys." The phantom of Qui-Gon faded away.

Anakin glanced down at the power dial on his lightsaber, and turned it past the number '10.' "Well, I'll be a Jawa's uncle," he said. "It does go up to 11." His lightsaber blade was glowing brighter and humming louder, now. He took an experimental swing at the nearest Vong. The lightsaber sliced the warrior's armor like a vibroknife through warm butter.

"That's more like it," said Anakin with a wicked grin. Obi-Wan, the Sith, and the rest of the Jedi all turned their lightsabers up to the hidden '11' setting as well. Soon, Vong heads and limbs were flying through the air like confetti as the heroes hacked apart the dastardly alien warriors.

"This is fun AND easy," said Anakin. "I wish we'd known about that a long time ago!"

"No kidding!" said Racke', cutting down Vong left and right.

"I'va never felta so alive!" cried Watto, leaping into the fray with his blade swinging. "Looka out, Vong, here comesa Watto!"

Even the Hutt was having some success, knocking the enemy over with a swing from his tail, slashing them with his lightsaber as they tried to stand up again.

"This is for my MOM," said Anakin, dispatching a Vong with a swift lunge. "And this is ALSO for my Mom...and that one's for Mom, too..." he said as he slew two others.

Darth and Obi-Wan worked as a team, chopping through the ranks of Vong warriors tirelessly, breaking up their formations and scattering them into easy marks for their less-experienced friends to pick off. At one point, a lone Vong voice cried out, "Bring out the war coordinator!"

The Jedi continued fighting. But after a moment, Darth stopped, froze, and pointed. "Great Sadow's ghost, look at that thing!" The Jedi turned to see what had caught his attention.

A huge, disgusting, horrible, awful monster with yucky tentacles and sharp fangs and big eyeballs and a big scary drooling mouth with rows and rows of pointy teeth was slowly coming towards them.

"The yamaha!" exclaimed Obi-Wan.

"Ew," said Racke'. "Their war coordinator thing is really gross."

"Go forth, mighty yammosk!" roared one of the Vong warriors. "Devour the infidel Jedi!" The thing slithered closer to the thick of battle.

"Let's you and me kick that thing's ass, Master," said Anakin. "I'll take the left." He and Obi-Wan rushed towards the monster. It rolled the end of one tentacle into a tight ball and swung it at Obi-Wan, sending the Jedi flying backwards several yards. It took another tentacle and coiled it around Anakin's shoulders, pinning his arms to his sides.

"Oh, no!" yelled Anakin. "The yarborough's got me!" Several Vong warriors started to run towards the trapped Jedi, their weapons held aloft, ready and eager to deliver a killing blow. Thinking quickly, Anakin looked around. Obi-Wan had landed in the middle of several Vong and was fighting his way out, Darth and Watto were very far away, and the Hutt was too slow to come to his aid in time. Only Racke' was near enough to help. "Racke'!" he shouted. "I need you to distract those Vong so I can free myself! Quick, pull up your shirt and flash them!"

"Nice try, Jedi," she said, pulling a silver Nubian blaster pistol from a holster at her hip, "but this'll work better." She took out the two closest Vong with deadly precision, giving Anakin just enough time to cut himself free of the tentacle with his lightsaber. He quickly mopped up the nearby Vong, then turned his attention back to the yammosk.

"Racke', Master Obi-Wan, follow me! We've got to take this thing down!" The three of them rushed the yammosk with their lightsabers drawn, but the thing just swatted them out of the way with its powerful tentacles.

"Stand back, friends!" said Lubba the Hutt. "Allow me to handle this." He started to shuffle towards the yammosk.

"Lubba, no!" cried Racke'. "You're too slow! That thing will try to eat you!"

"That's what I'm counting on," said the Hutt, inching closer. The yammosk tried to shove Lubba back with its tentacles, but the Hutt was simply too heavy. "May all Hutts everywhere be looked upon more kindly because of my sacrifice!" Sure enough, the yammosk gave up trying to push the Hutt away and instead tried to stuff it into its gaping, many-toothed mouth.

"Lubba! Nooooooo!!!"

The yammosk stopped. It had the Hutt about halfway down its throat, but the tail was still sticking out and it couldn't bring its jaws together to chew. The Hutt was too big and fat. It tried to remove the Hutt from its mouth by pulling it out by the tail, but the Hutt was too greasy and slimy and the yammosk's tentacles couldn't get a grip.

The yammosk began to turn blue.

"The war coordinator is choking!" gasped one of the Vong. "The gods have forsaken us!" cried another.

The yammosk thrashed and heaved for several minutes, and then it collapsed. Its tentacles twitched a few last times, and then it was very still.

All of the Vong warriors stopped in their tracks and stared at their fallen war coordinator.

Several moments of stunned silence passed before one of the scarred aliens finally spoke. "Well, now that the yammosk is dead, I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel pretty directionless."

"Yeah, I know just what you mean," another replied. "If I don't have a vicious holy war to fight, what purpose do I have? I mean, what were we going to do once we finished conquering this galaxy, anyway?"

"You know we'd never be satisified. We'd find some other galaxy to fixate on, and then we'd feel like we could never be happy unless we conquered that one too. But you know, once the conquering is over, all we have left is a hollow feeling inside."

"You're right, Prefect Me'Shugginah. We've been fools, always chasing after rainbows. We've been overlooking the things that really matter."

"I'm tired of war. I wish I could spend more time with my wife and children."

"I've always wanted to take up painting--"

"Hahah! Die, you ugly sonsa bitches!" yelled Watto, leaping between the two, slashing with his lightsaber until they both fell dead. "I lova this Jedi shit, peedunkee!"

"Hold it, Watto," said Obi-Wan. "The Jedi always accept surrender. That IS what you're doing, yes?" he said to the nearest Vong. "I mean, you guys give up now, right?"

The Vong shrugged. "I guess so. We really can't get anything done without our war coordinator." The surviving warriors started to limp back to their coralskippers and worldships.

"We did it!" said Anakin. "The Vong are retreating!"

"We did it!" said Racke', hugging him.

"Let's hurry back to Coruscant," said Obi-Wan. "We've got to tell Master Yoda what happened."

"Okay, that's enough," said Racke', extricating herself from Anakin's lingering embrace.

"Thatsa all?" said Watto, disappointed. "I wassa justa getting warmed up."

Darth Extraneous turned to Obi-Wan. "I don't dare show myself on Coruscant. It seems we must part ways here, Jedi."

"I understand, Darth," said Obi-Wan. "We made a good team while it lasted. Take care of yourself, and good luck finding your place among the Sith...I guess."

"Thank you." The Sith Lord turned to Anakin. "Remember, young Skywalker, if you ever decide to turn to the Dark Side for good...give me a call."

"I will," said Anakin brightly.

"But Darth, where will you go?" asked Racke'. "And how will you get there?"

"I'm going back to Kashyyyk, to look for F-3P0. And then I'm going back to the asteroid," said Darth. "Have to keep the place up, you never know when new misfits might show up. I thought I'd try to hitch a ride with one of those Vong." He started to jog after one of the retreating lines. "Hey, any of you guys heading towards Kashyyyk? Got any extra room in your coralskipper?"

Racke' turned to Obi-Wan. "What about us, Master Kenobi?"

"Yeah, now whatta we do?" asked Watto.

"Well, we'll have to help reform the Jedi Council," said Obi-Wan. "Master Yoda can't do it alone, after all. The four of us are the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy now. For your bravery and valor against the Vong in the Battle of Anoat, I'm promoting you all to the rank of Jedi Knight."

"Wizard!" said Anakin.

* * *

The cavernous dome of the Senate chamber echoed with applause and cheers for the four Jedi Knights who had saved the galaxy from the dire threat of the Yuuzhan Vong invasion. They stood on the central platform with Chancellor Palpatine, heavy golden medals hanging from their necks. Yoda stood off to the side, leaning on his gimer stick, a completely exasperated, I'm-too-old-for-this-shit expression on his wrinkled green face.

"Yes, three cheers, three cheers, a big hand for our Jedi saviors," said the Chancellor with a secretive smile. "The new Council assures me that the Jedi Order will be back to business as usual in no time, and that all new parents are still expected to bring their infants by the Temple for midichlorian testing before they reach six months of age. Furthermore, to discourage the Yuuzhan Vong and any who would imitate them from invading our sovereign galaxy ever again, I have drafted a bill that authorizes the construction of a space station roughly the size of...oh, say, a small moon...fitted with a planet-destroying superlaser, for the purpose of maintaining the military superiority of the Republic and providing a strong deterrent to any who would attempt to oppose me. I mean, us. If you all would please pass this bill without a lot of questioning or debate, I would really appreciate it, we've got a very busy schedule today."

And with that, the Senate got back to their daily routine. The Jedi rode a floating pod to the Senate chamber exits and took a shuttle back to the Temple.

* * *

The sun was just beginning to set when they reached the Council chamber atop one of the Temple's four towers. Master Yoda, Master Kenobi, Anakin, Racke', and Watto each took a seat. The other seven seats remained empty. It would be a long time before the Council could be filled out to twelve members again.

Yoda sighed. "Completely absurd, this is. Retire to a hut on a swamp planet and never to any Jedi speak again, think I might."

"Cheer up, Master Yoda," said Obi-Wan. "I did the best I could under the circumstances. You should just be happy the Jedi Order hasn't gone completely extinct."

Yoda looked at Watto, rolling dice on the floor of the Council chamber and using the Force to control which numbers they landed on. He looked at Anakin, who was slouched in his seat with one leg kicked up over the armrest, trying to stare at Racke's cleavage without being noticed. Racke' was sitting up straight and trying to act like a good Jedi.

And there was Obi-Wan, using that same "I had to do what I thought was best" bullshit that Qui-Gon always used to pull. And he was growing his hair long, too.

Yoda sighed again. He daydreamed about going away, leaving Coruscant, forgetting all the Jedi hoodoo he had spent his life wrapped up in, and just kicking back and enjoying nature. He remembered hearing that real estate on Dagobah was going cheap...



THE END