1 Another Star Wars Parody

Another Star Wars Parody

Episode ?

A New Joke

It is a time of darkness, despair, trouble, and everything else bad for the galaxy. Two Fungi Knights named Qui-Gon Jim and Obi-Ron Kenobi have bought the St. Louis Cardinals Baseball Team who is currently the worst team in galactic history. Their job is to bring the Cardinals up to standards.

However, on the other side of the galaxy, Darth Paul, a Dark Lord of the Spiff, has created the ultimate weapon to destroy the St. Louis team, the Randy Johnson a.k.a. The Fast Ball. He plans to use this huge pitching machine to destroy the Cardinals once and for all.

Don't worry, we're almost done.

Unfortunately, as Cardinals Short Stop and Last Hope "Prince" Lars Organa was driving home from practice, he was abducted by the sinister agents of Darth Paul. Now it is up to Jim and Ron to save the galaxy.I mean, the Cardinals.



EXT. BASEBALL FIELD- CARDINALS PRACTICE STADIUM

We see QUI-GON JIM and A BASEBALL PLAYER standing near home plate.

Jim: Have you seen Obi-Ron, I mean he's always late. We're in our third week of exhibition games and he still hasn't shown up.

Player: Well, he's supposed to be here today. That's all I can tell you.

Suddenly a short little guy wearing a baseball cap and jersey runs past the benches and onto the field. He passes by QUI-GON and THE BASEBALL PLAYER, but then realizes it and comes back. He is out of breath.

Jim: Where have you been?

Ron: How was I supposed to know we were playing in St. Louis, I thought we were stationed in St. Croix.

Jim: What?

Ron: You know, St. Croix, that Island below Florida.

Jim: Isn't that Cuba.

Ron: Well it doesn't matter, you gave me the wrong directions. Anyhow, I own half of this team so tell me something.

Jim: Alright, now whaddya want?

Ron: I gotta know the baseball players' names. Do you know the guys' names?

Jim: Oh sure.

Ron: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.

Jim: Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. You know sometimes nowadays they give ballplayers peculiar names.

Ron: You mean funny names.

Jim: Nicknames, pet names, like Big Mac -

Ron: And the Whopper -

Jim: the Whopper -

Ron: And their cousin!

Jim: Who's that?

Ron: The Chalupa!

Jim: Chalupa, huh? Now let's see. We have on the bags - we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

The BASEBALL PLAYER walks off screen.

Ron: That's what I wanna find out.

Jim: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third -

Ron: You know the fellows' names?

Jim: Certainly!

Ron: Well then who's on first?

Jim: Yes!

Ron: I mean the fellow's name!

Jim: Who!

Ron: The guy on first!

Jim: Who!

Ron: The first baseman!

Jim: Who!

Ron: The guy playing first!

Jim: Who is on first!

Ron: Now whaddya askin' me for?

Jim: I'm telling you Who is on first.

Ron: Well, I'm asking YOU who's on first!

Jim: That's the man's name.

Ron: That's who's name?

Jim: Yes.

Ron: Well go ahead and tell me.

Jim: Who.

Ron: The guy on first.

Jim: Who!

Ron: The first baseman.

Jim: Who is on first!

Ron: Have you got a contract with the first baseman?

Jim: Absolutely.

Ron: Who signs the contract?

Jim: Well, naturally!

Ron: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Jim: Every dollar. Why not? The man's entitled to it.

Ron: Who is?

Jim: Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Ron: Who's wife?

Jim: Yes.

Ron: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

Jim: Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on second base.

Ron: I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Jim: Who is on first.

Ron: I don't know.

Jim: He's on third - now we're not talkin' 'bout him.

Ron: Now, how did I get on third base?

Jim: You mentioned his name!

Ron: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

Jim: No - Who's playing first.

Ron: Never mind first - I wanna know what's the guy's name on third.

Jim: No - What's on second.

Ron: I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Jim: Who's on first.

Ron: I don't know.

Jim: He's on third.

Ron: Aaah! Would you please stay on third base and don't go off it?

Jim: What was it you wanted?

Ron: Now who's playin' third base?

Jim: Now why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Ron: Why? Who am I putting over there?

Jim: Yes. But we don't want him there.

Ron: What's the guy's name on third base?

Jim: What belongs on second.

Ron: I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Jim: Who's on first.

Ron: I don't know.

Jim & Ron: THIRD BASE!

Ron: You got an outfield?

Jim: Oh yes!

Ron: The left fielder's name?

Jim: Why.

Ron: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.

Jim: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Ron: Alright, then tell me who's playin' left field.

Jim: Who is playing fir-

Ron: STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD! I wanna know what's the left fielder's name.

Jim: What's on second.

Ron: I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Jim: Who's on first.

Ron: I don't know.

Jim & Ron: THIRD BASE!

Ron: The left fielder's name?

Jim: Why.

Ron: Because!

Jim: Oh, he's center field.

Ron: Look, you gotta pitcher on this team?

Jim: Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

Ron: The pitcher's name.

Jim: Tomorrow.

Ron: You don't wanna tell me today?

Jim: I'm tellin' you now.

Ron: Then go ahead.

Jim: Tomorrow.

Ron: What time?

Jim: What time what?

Ron: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's pitching?

Jim: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on fir-

Ron: I'll break your arm if you say Who's on first. I wanna know what's the pitcher's name.

Jim: What's on second.

Ron: I don't know.

Jim & Ron: THIRD BASE!

Ron: You got a catcher?

Jim: Oh, absolutely.

Ron: The catcher's name.

Jim: Today.

Ron: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

Jim: Now you've got it.

Ron: All we've got is a couple of days on the team.

Jim: Well, I can't help that.

Ron: Well, I'm a catcher too.

Jim: I know that.

Ron: Now suppose that I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and their heavy hitter gets up.

Jim: Yes.

Ron: Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Jim: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Ron: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!

Jim: Well, that's all you have to do.

Ron: Is to throw the ball to first base.

Jim: Yes.

Ron: Now who's got it?

Jim: Naturally!

Ron: If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta catch it. Now who caught it?

Jim: Naturally!

Ron: Who caught it?

Jim: Naturally.

Ron: Who?

Jim: Naturally!

Ron: Naturally.

Jim: Yes.

Ron: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Jim: NO, NO, NO! You throw the ball to first base and Who gets it?

Ron: Naturally.

Jim: That's right. There we go.

Ron: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Jim: You don't!

Ron: I throw it to who?

Jim: Naturally.

Ron: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

Jim: You're not saying it that way.

Ron: I said I throw the ball to Naturally.

Jim: You don't - you throw the ball to Who?

Ron: Naturally!

Jim: Well, say that!

Ron: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! I throw the ball to who?

Jim: Naturally.

Ron: Ask me.

Jim: You throw the ball to Who?

Ron: Naturally.

Jim: That's it.

Ron: SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to first base and who gets it?

Jim: Naturally!

Ron: Who has it?

Jim: Naturally!

Ron: HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - triple play.

Jim: Yes.

Ron: Another guy gets up - it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a darn!

Jim: What was that?

Ron: I said I don't give a darn!

Jim: Oh, that's our shortstop.

Ron: I don't understand what the heck you're saying! All right let's get off the subject of player names-

Suddenly, The BASEBALL PLAYER bursts through a door and runs to JIM and RON

Player: Sir, we just heard on the news that the "Prince" was abducted by the Yankees and that unless we hand the team over to them, they are going to kill him and destroy every other team with their new super weapon, The Fast Ball!

Jim: Concord, you're a good man. We'll have to get transportation.

Ron: May I suggest something.

Jim: What's that?

Scene Fades Out.

INT. DARTH PAUL'S OFFICE

We open the scene with Darth Paul sitting at his desk. He wears all black and has a strangely familiar looking mask on. On the mask is the symbol of the Yankees. A young PLAYER runs in.

Player #2: My lord, we have captured "Prince" Lars. What shall we do with him now?

Paul: Have you informed the Cardinals of our ransom?

Player #2: Yes, sir.

Paul: Good. The Manager will be proud of your efforts. Where have you placed the "Prince"?

Player #2: He has been placed in a facility under your control.

Paul: Prepare my shuttle. I shall leave as soon as I have finished my work.

Player #2: Yes, sir.

The PLAYER salutes and leaves the room. The camera pans across the room and we find PAUL playing the Episode 1 game.

Paul: Go Obi-Wan go!

INT. CHEERS CANTINA

RON, JIM and CONCORD enter the bar room of strange creatures, some wearing strange jerseys.

Jim: Are you sure this is a good place to find transportation?

Ron: Well if it isn't, it's certainly a great place to get a drink.

Jim: (sarcastically) Great!

Cheers theme plays and opening video plays with interruptions to see Alien Characters.

Bartender: What can I get you fellas?

Ron: I'll take a Bud-

Jim: Hold it Obi-Ron, we're not here to buy drinks, we're here to find a transport to New York.

Bartender: Well you're in the right place.

Concord: We are?

Bartender: Welcome to the Cheers Travel Agency-

Ron: What the hell?

Jim: Now Obi-Ron. Tell me, sir. How much would it cost?

Bartender: How much you got?

Jim: Five galactic dollars.

Bartender: That should be enough to buy you three horses. It's the best deal you'll get in these parts.

Jim: All right then.

Fade out

INT. JAILCELL- YANKEES SECRET FACILITY

Fade in. DARTH PAUL stands next to "PRINCE" LARS, who sits on a cot, looking out the window.

Paul: Now "Prince" you will see the power of the Yankees. Soon your pitiful little team will be destroyed and the Yankees will be free to rule the World Series.I mean, galaxy! (Laughs ridiculously)

Prince: Never! They'll never fall to you.

Paul: That's what you think, but unfortunately, you are wrong.

Prince: I am not!

Paul: Are too!

Prince: Am not!

Paul: Are too!

Prince: Am not!

Paul: Are too!

Prince: Are too!

Paul: Am not!

Prince: Have it your way.

Paul: What? Why you?! Guards!

DARTH PAUL moves in front of the door where two GUARDS stand.

Paul: Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

Guard #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

Guard #2: (Hiccup)

Paul: No, no. Until I come and get him.

Guard #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

Paul: No, no, no! You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave-

Guard #1: And you'll come and get him.

Guard #2: (Hiccup)

Paul: Right.

Guard #1: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him from entering the room.

Father: No, no. Leaving the room.

Guard #1: Leaving the room. Yes.

Paul: All right.

Guard #1: Right.

Guard #2: (Hiccup)

Paul: Right.

Guard #1: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we-

Paul: Yes, what is it?

Guard #1: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh-

Paul: Look, it's quite simple.

Guard #1: Uh.

Paul: You just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?

Guard #2: (Hiccup)

Paul: Right.

Guard #1: Oh, I remember. Can he leave the room with us?

Paul: N---no, no. You just stay here and make sure he-

Guard #1: Oh, yes. Well obviously we'll keep him here, but if he had to leave and we were with him-

Paul: No, no, no, no. Just keep him here-

Guard #1: Until you or anyone else-

Paul: No, not anyone else. Just me.

Guard #1: Just you.

Guard #2: (Hiccup)

Paul: Get back.

Guard #1: Get back.

Paul: All right?

Guard #1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.

Guard #2: (Hiccup)

Paul: Oh, and make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard #1: What?

Paul: Make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard #1: The Prince?

Paul: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard #1: Oh yes, of course.

Guard #2: (Hiccup)

Guard #1: I thought you meant him (point to Guard #2). You know, it seemed a bit stupid for me to guard him when he's a guard.

Paul: Is that clear?

Guard #2: (Hiccup)

Guard #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.

Paul: Right.

As PAUL leaves, GUARD #1 and GUARD #2 try to follow.

Paul: Where are you going?

Guard #1: We're coming with you.

Paul: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard #1: Oh, I see. Right.

Guard #2: (Hiccup)

Paul: Oh go get a glass of water.

After Paul leaves, Prince finds a piece of paper, writes something and then uses a bow and arrow to shoot it out the window.

EXT. Field/Forest

CONCORD, JIM, and RON are doing the Monty Python horse skit across the field.

Jim: When he said horses, I didn't think we were getting this crap!

Ron: What do you mean?

Jim: There are no horses!

Ron: Yes there is.

Jim: No there's not. We're just galloping along on our own feet!

Ron: You have no imagination at all do you?

Jim: None at all.

Suddenly an arrow goes flying through the air and hits CONCORD.

Concord: Message for you, sir. (Collapses)

Jim: Concord! Concord! Speak to me! (Picks up Note) To whoever reads this note, I have been imprisoned by Lord Paul, please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tower of the 123 Correctional Facility. At last, a call from "Prince" Lars!

Ron: Should we go?

Jim: Of course, this could be the call that brings down the Yankee Empire and that tyrannical Darth Paul.

Ron: I'll take that as a yes.

Jim: Brave Concord, you shall not have died in vane!

Concord: Uh.I'm not quite dead, sir.

Jim: Well then, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vane!

Concord: Actually, I think I could pull through.

Jim: Oh, I see.

Concord: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir-

Jim: No, no Concord. I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular-

Concord: Idiom, sir.

Jim: Idiom!

Concord: No, I feel fine, really, I do.

Jim: Farewell sweet Concord. Come Obi-Ron.

Concord: All right, I'll just wait here then.

Fade out.

EXT. 123 CORRECTIONAL FACILITY

Two SENTRIES stand by the door as guards and SOLDIERS pass through the entrance.

Soldier: Morning.

Sentry #1: Morning.

Sentry #2: Morning.

OBI-RON and QUI-GON JIM come running through the field and stab the SENTRIES with their "lightsabers". This continues on until they reach the room where "PRINCE" LARS is.

INT. JAILCELL

OBI-RON and JIM run through the door.

Guard #1: Now, you're not allowed to enter this room- (stabbed)

Prince: Obi-Ron, Qui-Gon, you've come to rescue me!

Jim: Unfortunately, yes.

Suddenly, DARTH PAUL bursts through the door.

Paul: Hold up, hold up. Who are you?

Jim: I'm Qui-Gon Jim-

Ron: And I'm Obi-Ron Kenobi-

Jim and Ron: And we're Fungi Knights!

Paul: What? Fungi Knights? Oh, I'm very afraid of two pieces of Fungus.

Ron: No, Fungi as in a Fun Guy. See?

Paul: Oh, I see. Did you do that to all those guards?

Jim: Well, yes.

Paul: You killed half my men!

Jim: Oh, sorry.

Paul: It's going to cost me a fortune!

Jim: So, I'll be leaving now, with the Prince.

Paul: No, no. You have to fight me first.

Ron: Why?

Paul: Because we've worked out the choreography and the director will get mad if we don't do the fight seen.I mean because you are a man!

Jim: I don't see that as a reason.

Paul: What are you? Chicken? Buk-Buk-Buk-Bukkak!

Jim: All right then.

A bell rings and a REFEREE steps in.

Referee: All right, I want to see a good clean fight. None of this, (kicks Paul between the legs), this (punches Paul in the face), or this (sweeps Paul's leg. Paul falls). Understand. All right, let's get it on!

The two fight for a long while, with OBI-RON cheering. Then, PAUL hits JIM right on and JIM falls to the ground.

Paul: Ah ha! I have killed your master. Now, give me the Prince.

Jim: Actually, I'm not quite dead.

Paul: Well, I have nearly fatally wounded your master.

Jim: I'm getting better.

Paul: (snaps fingers, guard walks in) Or, I have killed you master, who when he seemed to be recovering (Jim is stabbed) suddenly died!

Ron: Well, okay then. Goodbye.

Paul: Wait, you can't just leave.

Ron: Why not?

Paul: I just told Qui-Gon why? Do I have to explain it all over again?

Suddenly, CONCORD bursts through the door with a baseball bat, hits PAUL in the back of the head.

Concord: Come on, sir.

Ron: Oh, thanks Concord. Uh.Lars, would you like to join us.

Prince: All right.

Fade Out as the three leave the room.

EXT. FIELD

We find our heroes wandering through a field.

Ron: So Lars, do you have any idea why that guy kidnapped you?

Prince: Well, I overheard something about a.Fast Ball.

Ron: It must be some sort of huge space station.

Prince: Well, maybe, or it could just be some new technique to pitch a ball.

Ron: True, but I like the space station story better. It's more exciting.

Prince: So how are we going to get into this space station?

Ron: I have no idea.

Concord: Hey, I've got an idea! Let's look at the script.

Prince: The script?

Concord: Yes, the script.

Ron: All right! PA!

Suddenly the PA comes running in with a script in hand, hands it to Ron, and then runs back out.

Ron: All right, let's have a look (looks at script) it says here "Scene 15: Obi-Ron Kenobi snaps his fingers and using the Force, transports the men to the Space Station Fastball. Okay then.

RON snaps his fingers and they all disappear.

INT. FAST BALL- HALL WAY

RON, CONCORD, and PRINCE appear, but are surrounded by five TROOPS.

Troop #1: Freeze, you're under arrest!

Ron: What?

Troop #2: You heard the man! You're under arrest.

Ron: (Waves his hand over TROOP #1's Face) You will let us go.

Troop #1: No I won't.

Prince: Yeah, that did a lot.

CONCORD pulls out a watch and begins swinging it in front of TROOP #1's face.

Concord: You're getting sleepy, very sleepy.

Ron: Like he'll do any better.

Concord: When I snap my fingers, you will let us pass, then you will act like a pig until I snap them again.

Troop #1: Will let you pass, then act like a pig.

Concord: Good (snaps his fingers)

Troop #1: You may pass.

Ron: Oh, thank you.

RON, PRINCE, and CONCORD walk past the TROOP as he begins to crawl on the ground and squeal like a pig.

INT. FAST BALL- GENERATOR ROOM

The three men enter the room and spot the self-destruct button.

Concord: There it is, the Self-Destruct Button.

Ron: How can you tell?

Concord: I looked at the label.

Ron: Oh.

They run to press it, but then a HUGE GUARD intercepts them. He begins swinging his lightsaber. Then, Prince pulls out a Blaster and fires it, hitting the guard and killing him. Then as they continue on their way, Darth Paul just appears.

Paul: So we meet again.

Ron: How'd you do that?

Paul: I am a Spiff Lord, I use the Force as well.

Concord: So.what's that like?

Paul: You cannot avoid your fate, you will join the Yankees, or die!

Ron: No, I'll never join you!

Paul: So be it, Fungi.

Another Lightsaber Battle ensues with each man gaining and losing control. Then suddenly, RON cuts off PAUL's arm.

Ron: Now stand aside worthy adversary.

Paul: It's just a scratch.

Ron: A scratch, your arms off!

Paul: No it isn't.

Ron: What's that then? (Points to arm lying on the ground)

Paul: I've had worse.

Ron: You lie!

Paul: Come on you pansy.

The two continue to fight. Then, Paul's other arm in cut off.

Ron: Victory is mine. (Kneels on the ground) We thank thee lord for thy has-

PAUL kicks RON in the head.

Paul: Come on then.

Ron: What?

Paul: Have at you?

Ron: You are indeed brave Spiff Lord, but the victory is mine.

Paul: Had enough, eh?

Ron: Look you stupid idiot, you've got know arms left.

Paul: Yes I have.

Ron: Look.

Paul: Just a flesh wound.

Ron: Stop that!

Paul: Chicken.chicken!

Ron: I'll have your leg. All right.

PAUL's leg is cut off.

Paul: Right, I'll do you for that.

Ron: You'll what?

Paul: Come here!

Ron: What are you going to do, bleed on me?

Paul: I'm invincible! Lord Paul always triumphs. Have at you!

PAUL's last leg is cut off.

Paul: All right, we'll call it a draw.

RON presses the button then snaps his fingers and the heroes disappear.

EXT. Fast Ball

A warning signal is heard.

Paul: Oh, running away, eh? You yellow-bellied Fungi Knights, come back here and get what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off.

The Fast Ball Explodes

End