Clu's Lament
RATING: R
SUMMARY: It's all about Clu.
DISCLAIMER: Clu's not mine. Jack's not mine. Annie's not mine. The tape doesn't exist.

God, I hate being hot. Really, I do! What you don't believe me? Fine then, here's why I hate it...

Okay, first we got the fact that because I'm so DAMN good-lookin', people think I'm stupid. I mean, I know that e=mc squared, but does anyone else know that I know that they don't know that I know it? Do they? I didn't think so. And that's another thing: I actually think! But people don't know that. Nooooooo, all they care about is going out with me....doing more in special cases. Hey, I am in college, what'd you expect? *grin*

So we've covered intelligence, I'm smart. E=mc squared remember? What's that you say? What does it mean? Um...er....moving on.

Whenever people look at me, I see a hunger in their eyes; they want to jump me right there, I can tell. Not that I object to that or anything. Once, last year, I got laid (again) and came home and started bragging to Carey about it. He called me a boy-whore and went to bed. That thing with Molly that he wants so bad is never gonna happen for him. Anyways, back to me...

Next we go on to *shudders* Annie. She's a good kid and all, but she's constantly staring at me. I don't think she knows that I notice, but she's always doing that to me! I would try pawning her back to Jack, but I just can't do that to him. He's good people. Carey won't take her...not because he's like 7 years older than her, but because he's too obsessed with Molly to notice any younger girls.

So, another reason I hate being hot...
This girl, Claire, in my dorm. She's ALWAYS trying to make me walk around in a fig leaf for her. I don't understand why...or even how I could get the thing to stay on. She already gave me the leaf, maybe I'll try it on sometime when I'm alone and in need of a laugh. But I've been telling her that if I were to EVER wear it, which I NEVER would, it would only be once if I'm REALLY drunk. *Hiccup* Like now.

That's two more things: People don't listen to me is the first. They think "he's just hot so he's not 'pinionated." Well, I am, Mr.(to be politically correct)/Ms. Person! I have 'pinions! For example, I think orange pop/soda/soda-pop/whatever the hell it's called wherever you are is better than the rest....I suppose Mountain Dew could be considered to match it. That's one 'pinion. What? it's "O"pinion? Well, that's just crazy talk.... Another 'pinion: Smoking - bad. Getting laid - gooooooood.

The other thing of those two things? People are always trying to get me drunk, just to see what they can get the "hot surfer" to do. I'm told I've done some crazy things too. I saw a video once. I had to excuse myself to the restroom for a little bit because I was so.....tense from it. When I came back about 10 minutes later (relaxed, thank you very much) they were laughing at me! I joined in because it was all in good fun, but still!

So, more reasons I hate being hot. How jealous people get of me! So many guys are unhot that they are always staring at me. I can just tell that MOST of them are thinking "I wish I looked like that." Well, you can't, suckers!! HA HA HA HA HA! No, that's mean. OK, I admit, this hasn't happened to me. Everyone else in my world has a semblence of good looks.

Okay, fine, you're right, I've complained enough about why it sucks to be hot. I guess you wanna hear reasons it's fun to be hot.
1) People look at me all the time.
2) Don't get laughed at as much.
3) Get my pick of basically anyone in the dorm. (emphasis is on the "anyone")
4) Get laid whenever I want.

On second thought, It's not even my fault I'm so hot! I should be blaming that Erik von Detten creep. I tell ya, if I ever meet that "teen idol", I'm gonna kick his ass, unless the universe (according to theoretical physics) implodes first.

and if you've learned anything from this, I want it to be that e=mc squared.