Real men don't scream out loud....
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing
Title: The Minds' Truth
Author: neekabe
Warnings: PG-13 for strangeness... mild swearing
A/N: Thanks to everyone who gave feedback so far. Feel free to leave whatever comments you want. E-mail is neekabe@canoemail.com
Chapter 2
"Real men don't scream out loud"
Subject: 02
Status: In progress. He can no longer tell the more realistic simulations from reality. Lines are blurred enough. Full of turmoil. We are close with him. We can now start introducing our philosophies. He is ready willing to kill, and lost. We cannot risk taking him out yet but a few more tests and he will be ours. It will go easier on him now.
****
It was the ZERO system. He had killed again and again, watched them die, heard the scream. Maybe like the ZERO system he would wake up. He kept waiting for himself to wake up. Kept waiting for the system to be taken off.
He knew that this was just VR. They had told him right off that it would be used against him. He knew what he saw this time wasn't real. It was just something created by them to torment him. Maybe, he would follow them in VR, and when he was released to fight for them he would make them pay for what they made him do. Yeah, that was the best plan.
Duo walked along the street. This was a pleasant simulation, one of the real looking ones. Birds were chirping in lush trees planted in the thick green grass along the side of the road. As he turned a corner, he dodged a group of kids, running and laughing as they raced through the streets. His eyes followed them until they were out of sight, smiling as he remembered his happier days as a child; with the church and the people who loved him. When he turned back to the street in frond of him his face lit up. Then fell as realization dawned. There in front of him was the old Maxwell church, just as he remembered it. Exactly as he remembered it. His fists clenched at his sides. One question filled his mind, how did they know? He stared at the only place he was ever happy. How dare they use this place against him? He felt violated. This was worse that anything before. Fear bit at his mind, what were they going to do to this memory?
He turned to leave. No matter how much joy he might get from seeing them again they would not be real. Duo would not let them be used against him. He would just stay away until they got bored with this and changed programs. He hoped they got bored soon.
He began to run. Something was going to happen he could feel it. Something was going to happen and he wasn't looking forward to seeing what it was. This would end like everything else in his life, real or virtual. Everything would be destroyed just as he was getting used to it, just as he decided to make things work.
Duo's haste however caused carelessness. He didn't see her until he had almost run into her.
"Duo?" Her voice was thrilled as she wrapped her arms around him. "Duo! It is you! And you still refuse to cut your hair I see" Sister Helen sighed playfully. "When will you ever grow up?!"
With that she grabbed Duo's wrist, pulling him along with her before he even had the chance to object. "Father Maxwell will be so thrilled to see you"
Duo let himself be dragged towards the church, let himself live in the illusion
When they reached the church again Father Maxwell came out, smiling broadly. "Duo. Welcome home!"
Duo smiled. This was home. He could indulge himself for a little while right? He deserved to be happy for a moment. After all he had done, all he had given up, he had the right to spoil himself for a moment. It's not like it was hurting anyone.
Then he heard the screams
"What's with the church people? That wasn't in the program we created" The technicians' voice was confused.
"Meh. It was probable added later don't worry about it. As long as the subjects alive we're good"
Once again the church was being destroyed.
"Noooo!!! He screamed running towards the buildings as if he could hold them together himself.
"No…." The second cry was gentler as he knelt once again beside the dying Sister Helen
"Don't die…. You can't die again. This wasn't supposed to happen this time…" He begged, pleaded though it did no good.
"Duo…" she started but cut herself off and stared in horror at a point behind Duo. He turned to look.
There standing above him was Deathsythe Hell and in the cockpit sat Duo. Laughing madly he randomly demolished everything he once loved.
Suddenly he was in the cockpit watching himself look upwards in horror, delighting in the destruction.
The he was back on the ground looking up at his own death.
Then back in Deathsythe Hell destroying then enemy, fighting for the right working to end the war.
He was down on the ground fighting helplessly for the right, protecting those he loved.
Which was really right?
Duo stared in horror as the scythe descended
Duo watched with only a little satisfaction as another possible soldier was killed before he could kill anyone.
He was going to die; but again death spared him. Again he was left to deal with the death the destruction alone.
"What the hell's going on here!? Take him out at once. He's already broken we don't need him on programs like this anymore."
"But sir, we didn't…"
"Remove him. Now."
"Yessir"
Alone he was always alone. Alone and waiting to wake from the nightmare. It was just the VR, just like the Zero system. He would wake and everything would be all right again. He would just have more nightmares but he could deal with those. He always had. But the people wouldn't be dead. He wouldn't have to be alone anymore.
There in the ruins of the church he curled up and slept. Hoping that this was just all a dream. Dreaming that when he woke it would all be better…just like before… Just like before. He would wake out of this dream. He could outlast them, They would not break him. He would wake and everything would be alright. But somehow, deep down he just couldn't believe himself.
He woke, stiff and cold and still totally alone. The flames had died down and the bodies cooled but he was still there. He closed his eyes, huddled in the corner. This was not true. This was not real. Why not? The voice of doubt spoke in his mind. Everything else ended in death. Everything ends in death. This did to. You're cursed. Nothing ends 'happily ever after' for you. They always die and you're always left alone.
He opened his eyes, and stumbled to his feet, ignoring the blood crusted into his clothes. No! This can't be true. He was supposed to wake up and find it all gone again. And why would you deserve that pleasure?
He ran. Ran from the voice, from his past, from the fear. Feet pounded across the uneven terrain, his breathing echoed harshly in his ears. He kept running. As if hoping that if he got put enough distance between himself and death it would cease to affect him.
Eventually he reached the limits of his endurance. Exhausted he collapsed to his knees. His heaving shoulders could be caused by lack of breath or the sobs that threatened to escape. "What did I do to deserve this!? Why wont they just leave me be?" He drew in a shuddering breath. He would not freak out now. He couldn't afford to let them know it affected him so. He would be strong.
He held his breath, rocking back and forth on the ground, eyes wild. He would not break. He would not break. Will not break. Not break, break....break....break....
This can't be real right?
"Why is he still there" Anger colored Erlkings voice now as he faced the cowering technician. "Didn't I tell you to change the program?"
"yessir. And we've tried. Right now he should be watching boats at the seashore. But as you can see he's not."
"Why not?"
" We don't know sir. We think it may be that he's hallucinating within the VR system. He seems unwilling to believe anything else we give him...."
"Then give his something he will believe. Let him be freed. Damnit. We need to keep him sane. We can always bring him in again later. We were so close with him...."
Duo spent the day sitting there. Trying not to think, trying not to see anything going around him. Trying not to exist.
Then just as the sun was setting, a miracle happened. His vision blurred, the world spun and he was lying strapped to a table, Heero standing over him.
"Let's go" A cold hard voice. This was the Heero he knew. This was real. Duo smiled finally he had woken. Everything was alright now. They never died. No one died. Everything was better. Now
He accepted Heero's hand and pulled himself off the table, smiling widely. Everything was happy now.
They ran through the halls. Duo could just see the light of day from an exit when the hall they were in exploded.
Oh well He thought. At least I die free....
But again he did not die, and again he was left to deal with the destruction on his own.
He found Heero still alive, but just barely. Burns covered his body and his right arm was missing. As Duo watched helplessly he friends body spasemed, coughing up blood. But Heero was still fighting. Still trying to live.
Duo knelt beside his friend, watched as Heero struggled to breathe. "Sleep now.... when you wake up again everything will be alright. It always is. You wake up and all the pain goes away." Duo's voice was soft and sad. He had nothing left for anger anymore; he just didn't have the energy needed to fight them with anger. He was just to depressed to bring himself to care about anything anymore. What was the point? Heero looked up, tears of pain escaping his tight control. Then he nodded, closed his eyes and slept.
Duo sat back, built walls around the pain. But he could still be strong, and he would be free. Heero would not have died in vain. Pain just multiplied inside of him but he would not give in. Just built the walls stronger and laughed now to hide the sorrow. Smiled now to hide the loss.
A troop of soldiers came across him then. They saw him there rocking back and forth, clutching a dead body. As they neared him they could hear him whispering. "I will not cry, they cannot break me. I will not cry, they will not break. Not cry, no break....cry....snap....I am not mad.... not mad....Mad. I will not cry, they cannot break me."
"Sir? What should we do now?"
"Get him out of there, remove him physically if necessary. Don't worry about being gentle."
Duo's vision swam as the world fell away from him.
When he slept, he dreamed that everything was better. He was happy. When he woke he found it was worse. They still had him. Heero had died, had died for nothing. Just like everything else he knew. They all died. Everyone but him...
He wanted to run. Run again until he could run no more. The sleep and never wake, 'cause things weren't any better when he woke. It was always the same.
But he was tied down. He couldn't run. Wait. Yes he could. His mind retreated, left the body. Ran to the blackness of elsewhere. A place where there was no sleep, no waking, no pain. No one. Nothing. It would not hurt here. Here was happy and they could not touch it. Not like the church, not like Heero. They couldn't get him here. Here was safe. Here was free. They will not break me.
Dispose of him. He's useless now.
He was still chanting that when the gas finally took him down. Their subject had been pushed too far. He had been broken, and was unusable. His eerily soft voice still echoed in the room. They would never forget the look in his eyes, bright and feral. And long after life had left the body, a few thought they still heard his voice echoing throughout the room.... soft and whispering.
They will not break me, I cannot cry.... They will not break me, I cannot cry.... They will not break me.
**end***
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing
Title: The Minds' Truth
Author: neekabe
Warnings: PG-13 for strangeness... mild swearing
A/N: Thanks to everyone who gave feedback so far. Feel free to leave whatever comments you want. E-mail is neekabe@canoemail.com
Chapter 2
"Real men don't scream out loud"
Subject: 02
Status: In progress. He can no longer tell the more realistic simulations from reality. Lines are blurred enough. Full of turmoil. We are close with him. We can now start introducing our philosophies. He is ready willing to kill, and lost. We cannot risk taking him out yet but a few more tests and he will be ours. It will go easier on him now.
****
It was the ZERO system. He had killed again and again, watched them die, heard the scream. Maybe like the ZERO system he would wake up. He kept waiting for himself to wake up. Kept waiting for the system to be taken off.
He knew that this was just VR. They had told him right off that it would be used against him. He knew what he saw this time wasn't real. It was just something created by them to torment him. Maybe, he would follow them in VR, and when he was released to fight for them he would make them pay for what they made him do. Yeah, that was the best plan.
Duo walked along the street. This was a pleasant simulation, one of the real looking ones. Birds were chirping in lush trees planted in the thick green grass along the side of the road. As he turned a corner, he dodged a group of kids, running and laughing as they raced through the streets. His eyes followed them until they were out of sight, smiling as he remembered his happier days as a child; with the church and the people who loved him. When he turned back to the street in frond of him his face lit up. Then fell as realization dawned. There in front of him was the old Maxwell church, just as he remembered it. Exactly as he remembered it. His fists clenched at his sides. One question filled his mind, how did they know? He stared at the only place he was ever happy. How dare they use this place against him? He felt violated. This was worse that anything before. Fear bit at his mind, what were they going to do to this memory?
He turned to leave. No matter how much joy he might get from seeing them again they would not be real. Duo would not let them be used against him. He would just stay away until they got bored with this and changed programs. He hoped they got bored soon.
He began to run. Something was going to happen he could feel it. Something was going to happen and he wasn't looking forward to seeing what it was. This would end like everything else in his life, real or virtual. Everything would be destroyed just as he was getting used to it, just as he decided to make things work.
Duo's haste however caused carelessness. He didn't see her until he had almost run into her.
"Duo?" Her voice was thrilled as she wrapped her arms around him. "Duo! It is you! And you still refuse to cut your hair I see" Sister Helen sighed playfully. "When will you ever grow up?!"
With that she grabbed Duo's wrist, pulling him along with her before he even had the chance to object. "Father Maxwell will be so thrilled to see you"
Duo let himself be dragged towards the church, let himself live in the illusion
When they reached the church again Father Maxwell came out, smiling broadly. "Duo. Welcome home!"
Duo smiled. This was home. He could indulge himself for a little while right? He deserved to be happy for a moment. After all he had done, all he had given up, he had the right to spoil himself for a moment. It's not like it was hurting anyone.
Then he heard the screams
"What's with the church people? That wasn't in the program we created" The technicians' voice was confused.
"Meh. It was probable added later don't worry about it. As long as the subjects alive we're good"
Once again the church was being destroyed.
"Noooo!!! He screamed running towards the buildings as if he could hold them together himself.
"No…." The second cry was gentler as he knelt once again beside the dying Sister Helen
"Don't die…. You can't die again. This wasn't supposed to happen this time…" He begged, pleaded though it did no good.
"Duo…" she started but cut herself off and stared in horror at a point behind Duo. He turned to look.
There standing above him was Deathsythe Hell and in the cockpit sat Duo. Laughing madly he randomly demolished everything he once loved.
Suddenly he was in the cockpit watching himself look upwards in horror, delighting in the destruction.
The he was back on the ground looking up at his own death.
Then back in Deathsythe Hell destroying then enemy, fighting for the right working to end the war.
He was down on the ground fighting helplessly for the right, protecting those he loved.
Which was really right?
Duo stared in horror as the scythe descended
Duo watched with only a little satisfaction as another possible soldier was killed before he could kill anyone.
He was going to die; but again death spared him. Again he was left to deal with the death the destruction alone.
"What the hell's going on here!? Take him out at once. He's already broken we don't need him on programs like this anymore."
"But sir, we didn't…"
"Remove him. Now."
"Yessir"
Alone he was always alone. Alone and waiting to wake from the nightmare. It was just the VR, just like the Zero system. He would wake and everything would be all right again. He would just have more nightmares but he could deal with those. He always had. But the people wouldn't be dead. He wouldn't have to be alone anymore.
There in the ruins of the church he curled up and slept. Hoping that this was just all a dream. Dreaming that when he woke it would all be better…just like before… Just like before. He would wake out of this dream. He could outlast them, They would not break him. He would wake and everything would be alright. But somehow, deep down he just couldn't believe himself.
He woke, stiff and cold and still totally alone. The flames had died down and the bodies cooled but he was still there. He closed his eyes, huddled in the corner. This was not true. This was not real. Why not? The voice of doubt spoke in his mind. Everything else ended in death. Everything ends in death. This did to. You're cursed. Nothing ends 'happily ever after' for you. They always die and you're always left alone.
He opened his eyes, and stumbled to his feet, ignoring the blood crusted into his clothes. No! This can't be true. He was supposed to wake up and find it all gone again. And why would you deserve that pleasure?
He ran. Ran from the voice, from his past, from the fear. Feet pounded across the uneven terrain, his breathing echoed harshly in his ears. He kept running. As if hoping that if he got put enough distance between himself and death it would cease to affect him.
Eventually he reached the limits of his endurance. Exhausted he collapsed to his knees. His heaving shoulders could be caused by lack of breath or the sobs that threatened to escape. "What did I do to deserve this!? Why wont they just leave me be?" He drew in a shuddering breath. He would not freak out now. He couldn't afford to let them know it affected him so. He would be strong.
He held his breath, rocking back and forth on the ground, eyes wild. He would not break. He would not break. Will not break. Not break, break....break....break....
This can't be real right?
"Why is he still there" Anger colored Erlkings voice now as he faced the cowering technician. "Didn't I tell you to change the program?"
"yessir. And we've tried. Right now he should be watching boats at the seashore. But as you can see he's not."
"Why not?"
" We don't know sir. We think it may be that he's hallucinating within the VR system. He seems unwilling to believe anything else we give him...."
"Then give his something he will believe. Let him be freed. Damnit. We need to keep him sane. We can always bring him in again later. We were so close with him...."
Duo spent the day sitting there. Trying not to think, trying not to see anything going around him. Trying not to exist.
Then just as the sun was setting, a miracle happened. His vision blurred, the world spun and he was lying strapped to a table, Heero standing over him.
"Let's go" A cold hard voice. This was the Heero he knew. This was real. Duo smiled finally he had woken. Everything was alright now. They never died. No one died. Everything was better. Now
He accepted Heero's hand and pulled himself off the table, smiling widely. Everything was happy now.
They ran through the halls. Duo could just see the light of day from an exit when the hall they were in exploded.
Oh well He thought. At least I die free....
But again he did not die, and again he was left to deal with the destruction on his own.
He found Heero still alive, but just barely. Burns covered his body and his right arm was missing. As Duo watched helplessly he friends body spasemed, coughing up blood. But Heero was still fighting. Still trying to live.
Duo knelt beside his friend, watched as Heero struggled to breathe. "Sleep now.... when you wake up again everything will be alright. It always is. You wake up and all the pain goes away." Duo's voice was soft and sad. He had nothing left for anger anymore; he just didn't have the energy needed to fight them with anger. He was just to depressed to bring himself to care about anything anymore. What was the point? Heero looked up, tears of pain escaping his tight control. Then he nodded, closed his eyes and slept.
Duo sat back, built walls around the pain. But he could still be strong, and he would be free. Heero would not have died in vain. Pain just multiplied inside of him but he would not give in. Just built the walls stronger and laughed now to hide the sorrow. Smiled now to hide the loss.
A troop of soldiers came across him then. They saw him there rocking back and forth, clutching a dead body. As they neared him they could hear him whispering. "I will not cry, they cannot break me. I will not cry, they will not break. Not cry, no break....cry....snap....I am not mad.... not mad....Mad. I will not cry, they cannot break me."
"Sir? What should we do now?"
"Get him out of there, remove him physically if necessary. Don't worry about being gentle."
Duo's vision swam as the world fell away from him.
When he slept, he dreamed that everything was better. He was happy. When he woke he found it was worse. They still had him. Heero had died, had died for nothing. Just like everything else he knew. They all died. Everyone but him...
He wanted to run. Run again until he could run no more. The sleep and never wake, 'cause things weren't any better when he woke. It was always the same.
But he was tied down. He couldn't run. Wait. Yes he could. His mind retreated, left the body. Ran to the blackness of elsewhere. A place where there was no sleep, no waking, no pain. No one. Nothing. It would not hurt here. Here was happy and they could not touch it. Not like the church, not like Heero. They couldn't get him here. Here was safe. Here was free. They will not break me.
Dispose of him. He's useless now.
He was still chanting that when the gas finally took him down. Their subject had been pushed too far. He had been broken, and was unusable. His eerily soft voice still echoed in the room. They would never forget the look in his eyes, bright and feral. And long after life had left the body, a few thought they still heard his voice echoing throughout the room.... soft and whispering.
They will not break me, I cannot cry.... They will not break me, I cannot cry.... They will not break me.
**end***
