You must realize.... I might retaliate
Title: The Mind's Truth
Author: neekabe
Warnings: PG-13 for strangeness... slight language.
A/N: Yay!! *does happy dance* finally I finished this chapter!! Thank you to all of you who reviewed! I emailed most of you personally but for those who didn't lave any ways of contacting you thank you!!! Katie and Nanashi if you want to send me your email I'd love to talk with you....I can also then let you know when the next chapter's out... e-mail is neekabe@canoemail.com
Chapter 5
I'll understand if you want to destroy me. But you must realize… I might retaliate.
Subject: 03
Status: Near completion. After a long battle he has finally lost himself. Now he just needs a hint to move in the direction we want him to go. Now we need to find the place to introduce our new person to take his place.
***
Everyone needs a base, a foundation; something to define who they are. Most people choose a person, a place, and ideal. But these things change these people change, are unpredictable, sometimes loose themselves. This was why he had always seemed so grounded. He based himself on the world, the fact that he existed in the world. It was an unchanging constant and that was who he was.
But now that was changing.
The world was no longer consistent. It changed, spun, wavered and he followed. His personality wavered changed. He became whatever his world needed, fitting in wherever he could.
Every time they changed he changed. Matched them place for place. The horrors didn't affect him, the sights. Sounds, he had seen them all before. He watched with the same clinical detachment he had always had. But one question haunted him. Who was he really?
As Nanashi he had been a child mercenary. Cold and hard as the metal suit he fought in.
As Triton Bloom he was a boy with a family. A past and a future
As Trowa Barton he was a Gundam pilot with friends and a reason to live.
Now he railed against the changing world, Here he was fighting. The once blue sky turned red from the smoke and the flames. Here he became a warrior. He fought and killed anyone who approached him. Before he had been in the circus. Watching the people smile. There he was the performer, fearing nothing, confidant in his abilities.
Now the world changed again. They weren't giving him enough time to fix a person before they changes. He were catching him half way between people, well he was still trying to figure out where he would fit in. Now he was nowhere, a void between worlds. And they just left him there.
He was getting desperate. Who was he?
Could he be Trowa? No Trowa had Heavyarms. Trowa had comrades. They were not here. He could not be Trowa.
Nanashi? Nanashi had his comrades, the rest of the mercenaries. Nanashi had a MS and he had Midii. They were not here.
Triton? No, family was not here. He had no past. Nothing he could remember.
He could be none of them, had no one to fall back on. He drifted, unnamed unknown. Memories of before left him. They weren't needed. Could not be used.
Who?!
Technicians heard his cry through the worlds. Heads snapped up and smiles flew across their faces. This was a good sign. " Should we call Erlking?"
"Yeah. He'll want to know progress at least"
If he did not know a where he was he could not formulate a who. Without a who, without a person he didn't know what was right. He was in a perfect position to be manipulated.
"Make him think he's out. Have him meet everyone In the VR. We won't risk him pulling a 04"
Once again Trowa's world faded. This time however, when he could see again, there was a man standing in front of him.
"Who am I?" He whispered the question. Not expecting an answer, just hoping for a self.
Erlking smiled kindly "You're Erik, one of our elite soldiers" He cocked his head " Do you remember anything?"
Erik shook his head. He didn't know this person, or thing place, but he knew how to act in a situation like this. "No sir"
Erlking nodded and started pacing. "We are an elite squadron of soldiers assigned to the delicate missions. We haven't failed yet." Erik smiled. He had a purpose now. He would fight for this man.
"Go to sleep now. You were injured" Erlking walked out of the room and only then did Erik notice the bandages on his head, his arm. That would explain his lack of memory. Erik would fight for this group. It was all he knew.
Waking the next morning he took a moment to orient himself before going to his closet pulling out a uniform and dressing before heading out. Something at the back of his mind screamed at him as he went through these mundane tasks but when he tried to find the cause there was nothing there.
To say that Erlking was pleased was an understatement. Finally one of them was working, he was behaving in the simulations of reality as if he didn't know it was false. He followed his superoirs, did as ordered, was a model soldier, a perfect student. They would take him out soon, move him so that he didn't know anything was different. This was what the project was supposed to work like.
Day after day he spent there. Training, re-meeting former friends. He fought for them, killed for them, was willing to die for them. Erik was the top of the elite, but still he moved though life with a certain detachment.
He killed because they asked him to. He didn't care for their ideals, their goals. He just fit in here, because he had no one else. He couldn't remember anything but them.
One night his life was turned upside down. The world jerked, tilted and twisted. Then turned black.
When his eyes adjusted to the dark he saw a person standing over him, a bulky helmet in his hands. Half memories filtered into his mind; cued by the appearance of this person. But he could not make sense of them. "Who are you?" The man was about the same age as him, the voice hard and efficient. It felt strange that the intruder was asking him who he was. Confusion washed through his mind, who was he anyway?
"I… I don't know"
The man tried another tactic. "Who am I? Am I an enemy?
"Not as of this moment…" Trowa was confused at the need for this knowledge. He was still trying to find those elusive memories, trying to figure out what these faces and names meant to him here.
"Good enough, I guess" Heero had skimmed through the recordings of Trowa's past few days. Just enough to get an idea of where Trowa stood, but not enough to be sure they hadn't convinced Trowa that the last remaining failure was an enemy.
Heero knew that if their positions were reversed that would have been the first thing done.
Heero quickly went to work on his friend. They didn't have much time. Neither of them were in the best condition for a fight. He had spent the last three days hiding within the base. Minimal sleep and little food did little to improve his weakened state and he didn't want to think of what would happen if they were caught.
His time had been spent trying to find the others. But all he had managed to accomplish was to be a witness to their deaths; he would probably the only one who would mourn them. He had been too late to do anything to save them but he wouldn't let them get Trowa.
Supporting most of Trowa's weight until he got used to moving on his own again, they headed, out risking moving through the halls. The advantage of speed far outweighing the increased danger of being caught.
"Erik what are you doing?" the voice was harsh but familiar. It was one of Erik's officers. Memories cued muscles, reactions without thought.
Erik turned and saluted. "Sir!" The troop of soldiers surrounded the pair carefully.
"Erik. That" he pointed to Heero with his gun, "is and escaped prisoner. Arrest him."
Erik turned and within seconds had weakened Heero restrained. An order was not to be denied, nor ignored. Why he was with this man meant nothing. Erik was a soldier, and he would obey.
Heero started to fight back, intending to find out why Trowa had turned against him so suddenly, but pain exploded in the back of his head and he fell into darkness.
Heero woke, once again strapped down in the darkness. He tensed, instantly ready to fight. Would he have to take Wufei' s path now to finally free himself?
Trowa/Erik was standing in front of him VR helmet in his hands "Trowa…" Heero's voice was guarded as he eyed the helmet, anxiety flooding his system. He didn't know if he could deal with that again. The man shook his head. "I am not him here"
"Where are you him then?"
"I'm him when I fight, surrounded and supported by allies" Heero looked up. His hard eyes asking; so what are you doing now if not fighting supported be a friend?
Erik turned from the questioning eyes. Accusing him and making him think. Making him remember. This person, this was a friend. He was fighting. Why was he fighting an ally? It didn't make sense. Amid the confusion Trowa resurfaced. Guilt flashed across his face.
Hands shook and the helmet fell from his trembling grasp. His breathing was ragged, his mind torn.
"Trowa?" Heero questioned. His was voice softer now. They needed to get out of there and to do that he needed Trowa.
Trowa took a deep breath. His head came up.
"I'm sorry," he said approaching the table. He managed to get one of Heero's hands free before their actions were noticed. As soon as the men entered they brought the name, the personality of Erik. Heero saw the change right away. Gone was his friend. In his place was a soldier. An enemy.
"Trowa." Heero's voice was intense. Calling to him, trying to keep Trowa there.
Erik's fist lashed out.
Heero's head snapped to the side moving with the blow, then centered slowly. His gaze never leaving that of Erik, who just hit him again, and again.
Erlking watched with some satisfaction as Heero, that annoyingly confidant boy, was beaten by the friend he had risked his own freedom to save. This was just magnificent..
"I'll just leave you two alone" He walked out the door, Erik paused, watched him leave. Then he turned his attention back to the matter at hand. The two stared at each other in silence for a moment, Erik glaring down at the prone Heero.
Heero broke the tense silence first, taking control of the unstable situation. His breathing was harsh and ragged as he tried to ignore the pain. That couldn't help him here. "Do you remember the others?"
The query was met with a blank stare, but there was something shimmering underneath....
"Duo, Quatre, Wufei? Any of them?"
"....yes...." Trowa's eyes were full of pain. "I remembered them." Fighting. In this place he was Erik. All the memories said he was Erik, but this person was telling him he was Trowa, was forcing him be Trowa in Erik's world. "But he doesn't fit here"
Heero pressed the only advantage he had. Erik was starting to doubt, and Heero was beginning to understand. The personality of Erik was linked to the people around this base, and to a lesser extent to the base itself. He could, had overridden the connection to the base, but there was so little here that would make Trowa, Trowa over Erik. So now.... now Heero just had to create another bond, one stronger, more stable than any Erik had. Make something here remind Trowa of Trowa. He could think of only one thing. "This place is the only monument they'll ever have"
"What do you mean?"
"They died here. I saw them all fall." Trowa's eyes widened slightly and Heero knew that he was getting closer.
"Trowa.... if we don't remember them who will? We have nothing left, no one left, neither did they. This place is their grave"
Trowa shrank away trying to hide from the confusion. These men that were here made him Erik. These men who were now surrounding him, filling the room, calling out to Erik. Could he ignore them?
But this was no longer Erik's place. But they were Erik's people. But this was Trowa's place, and one of Trowa's people was here, lying right beside him. And the memories of the others would live in these very halls.
So now… add them. He was Trowa. Trowa fit better. Ignoring the men behind him, he turned to Heero, who was slowing pulling himself to the edge of the table. He was waiting for a hint as to what to do next, whether he would now die at the hands of his friend, or if they were to have their vengeance.
The locked eyes and Heero saw pure Trowa staring back at him. His friend, his ally.
A smile flickered across his face, and was answered in kind. They would fight now and damn the consequences.
Together they turned faced the enemy.
It took only a few moments and they were running through the halls. Weakened they couldn't fight for long, but they would fight long enough.
They would have retribution.
End notes: ***this you must read to understand the epilogues!!!**
Yes there are 3 of them. They are not other chapters, they are "alternate truths". Each of them begins jsut after this chapter ends. They also cannot all be 'right' blending them together doesn't work... *grins* believe me I've tried ^_^
Here's a summary for each of them so you can decide which one you want to take as 'right'.... read them all and tell me which one you liked the best, read just the one you like and tell me what was wrong wtih the ideas behind the others *grins* It doesn't matter but *rolls eyes* thanks to my muses I think I should have an ending that satisifies everyones tastes ^_^
Epilogue 1: This one follows the feel of the chapters. It doesn not get any more angsty, but things still aren't perfect. It has sort of a happy ever after ending, but you can't change the past.
epilogue 2: This one is severly angsty. *grins* origionally it had the same beginning as the other, only branching off when Heero started talking to Trowa and it wanted to continue into a whole other massive project but I managed to hold it in check...
epilogue 3: This one is the ultimate happily ever after.. if you don't like that I killed them all off, read this. I can fix that problem with the wonders of VR. It kinda turns all the other chapters onto their heads.
enjoy!
Title: The Mind's Truth
Author: neekabe
Warnings: PG-13 for strangeness... slight language.
A/N: Yay!! *does happy dance* finally I finished this chapter!! Thank you to all of you who reviewed! I emailed most of you personally but for those who didn't lave any ways of contacting you thank you!!! Katie and Nanashi if you want to send me your email I'd love to talk with you....I can also then let you know when the next chapter's out... e-mail is neekabe@canoemail.com
Chapter 5
I'll understand if you want to destroy me. But you must realize… I might retaliate.
Subject: 03
Status: Near completion. After a long battle he has finally lost himself. Now he just needs a hint to move in the direction we want him to go. Now we need to find the place to introduce our new person to take his place.
***
Everyone needs a base, a foundation; something to define who they are. Most people choose a person, a place, and ideal. But these things change these people change, are unpredictable, sometimes loose themselves. This was why he had always seemed so grounded. He based himself on the world, the fact that he existed in the world. It was an unchanging constant and that was who he was.
But now that was changing.
The world was no longer consistent. It changed, spun, wavered and he followed. His personality wavered changed. He became whatever his world needed, fitting in wherever he could.
Every time they changed he changed. Matched them place for place. The horrors didn't affect him, the sights. Sounds, he had seen them all before. He watched with the same clinical detachment he had always had. But one question haunted him. Who was he really?
As Nanashi he had been a child mercenary. Cold and hard as the metal suit he fought in.
As Triton Bloom he was a boy with a family. A past and a future
As Trowa Barton he was a Gundam pilot with friends and a reason to live.
Now he railed against the changing world, Here he was fighting. The once blue sky turned red from the smoke and the flames. Here he became a warrior. He fought and killed anyone who approached him. Before he had been in the circus. Watching the people smile. There he was the performer, fearing nothing, confidant in his abilities.
Now the world changed again. They weren't giving him enough time to fix a person before they changes. He were catching him half way between people, well he was still trying to figure out where he would fit in. Now he was nowhere, a void between worlds. And they just left him there.
He was getting desperate. Who was he?
Could he be Trowa? No Trowa had Heavyarms. Trowa had comrades. They were not here. He could not be Trowa.
Nanashi? Nanashi had his comrades, the rest of the mercenaries. Nanashi had a MS and he had Midii. They were not here.
Triton? No, family was not here. He had no past. Nothing he could remember.
He could be none of them, had no one to fall back on. He drifted, unnamed unknown. Memories of before left him. They weren't needed. Could not be used.
Who?!
Technicians heard his cry through the worlds. Heads snapped up and smiles flew across their faces. This was a good sign. " Should we call Erlking?"
"Yeah. He'll want to know progress at least"
If he did not know a where he was he could not formulate a who. Without a who, without a person he didn't know what was right. He was in a perfect position to be manipulated.
"Make him think he's out. Have him meet everyone In the VR. We won't risk him pulling a 04"
Once again Trowa's world faded. This time however, when he could see again, there was a man standing in front of him.
"Who am I?" He whispered the question. Not expecting an answer, just hoping for a self.
Erlking smiled kindly "You're Erik, one of our elite soldiers" He cocked his head " Do you remember anything?"
Erik shook his head. He didn't know this person, or thing place, but he knew how to act in a situation like this. "No sir"
Erlking nodded and started pacing. "We are an elite squadron of soldiers assigned to the delicate missions. We haven't failed yet." Erik smiled. He had a purpose now. He would fight for this man.
"Go to sleep now. You were injured" Erlking walked out of the room and only then did Erik notice the bandages on his head, his arm. That would explain his lack of memory. Erik would fight for this group. It was all he knew.
Waking the next morning he took a moment to orient himself before going to his closet pulling out a uniform and dressing before heading out. Something at the back of his mind screamed at him as he went through these mundane tasks but when he tried to find the cause there was nothing there.
To say that Erlking was pleased was an understatement. Finally one of them was working, he was behaving in the simulations of reality as if he didn't know it was false. He followed his superoirs, did as ordered, was a model soldier, a perfect student. They would take him out soon, move him so that he didn't know anything was different. This was what the project was supposed to work like.
Day after day he spent there. Training, re-meeting former friends. He fought for them, killed for them, was willing to die for them. Erik was the top of the elite, but still he moved though life with a certain detachment.
He killed because they asked him to. He didn't care for their ideals, their goals. He just fit in here, because he had no one else. He couldn't remember anything but them.
One night his life was turned upside down. The world jerked, tilted and twisted. Then turned black.
When his eyes adjusted to the dark he saw a person standing over him, a bulky helmet in his hands. Half memories filtered into his mind; cued by the appearance of this person. But he could not make sense of them. "Who are you?" The man was about the same age as him, the voice hard and efficient. It felt strange that the intruder was asking him who he was. Confusion washed through his mind, who was he anyway?
"I… I don't know"
The man tried another tactic. "Who am I? Am I an enemy?
"Not as of this moment…" Trowa was confused at the need for this knowledge. He was still trying to find those elusive memories, trying to figure out what these faces and names meant to him here.
"Good enough, I guess" Heero had skimmed through the recordings of Trowa's past few days. Just enough to get an idea of where Trowa stood, but not enough to be sure they hadn't convinced Trowa that the last remaining failure was an enemy.
Heero knew that if their positions were reversed that would have been the first thing done.
Heero quickly went to work on his friend. They didn't have much time. Neither of them were in the best condition for a fight. He had spent the last three days hiding within the base. Minimal sleep and little food did little to improve his weakened state and he didn't want to think of what would happen if they were caught.
His time had been spent trying to find the others. But all he had managed to accomplish was to be a witness to their deaths; he would probably the only one who would mourn them. He had been too late to do anything to save them but he wouldn't let them get Trowa.
Supporting most of Trowa's weight until he got used to moving on his own again, they headed, out risking moving through the halls. The advantage of speed far outweighing the increased danger of being caught.
"Erik what are you doing?" the voice was harsh but familiar. It was one of Erik's officers. Memories cued muscles, reactions without thought.
Erik turned and saluted. "Sir!" The troop of soldiers surrounded the pair carefully.
"Erik. That" he pointed to Heero with his gun, "is and escaped prisoner. Arrest him."
Erik turned and within seconds had weakened Heero restrained. An order was not to be denied, nor ignored. Why he was with this man meant nothing. Erik was a soldier, and he would obey.
Heero started to fight back, intending to find out why Trowa had turned against him so suddenly, but pain exploded in the back of his head and he fell into darkness.
Heero woke, once again strapped down in the darkness. He tensed, instantly ready to fight. Would he have to take Wufei' s path now to finally free himself?
Trowa/Erik was standing in front of him VR helmet in his hands "Trowa…" Heero's voice was guarded as he eyed the helmet, anxiety flooding his system. He didn't know if he could deal with that again. The man shook his head. "I am not him here"
"Where are you him then?"
"I'm him when I fight, surrounded and supported by allies" Heero looked up. His hard eyes asking; so what are you doing now if not fighting supported be a friend?
Erik turned from the questioning eyes. Accusing him and making him think. Making him remember. This person, this was a friend. He was fighting. Why was he fighting an ally? It didn't make sense. Amid the confusion Trowa resurfaced. Guilt flashed across his face.
Hands shook and the helmet fell from his trembling grasp. His breathing was ragged, his mind torn.
"Trowa?" Heero questioned. His was voice softer now. They needed to get out of there and to do that he needed Trowa.
Trowa took a deep breath. His head came up.
"I'm sorry," he said approaching the table. He managed to get one of Heero's hands free before their actions were noticed. As soon as the men entered they brought the name, the personality of Erik. Heero saw the change right away. Gone was his friend. In his place was a soldier. An enemy.
"Trowa." Heero's voice was intense. Calling to him, trying to keep Trowa there.
Erik's fist lashed out.
Heero's head snapped to the side moving with the blow, then centered slowly. His gaze never leaving that of Erik, who just hit him again, and again.
Erlking watched with some satisfaction as Heero, that annoyingly confidant boy, was beaten by the friend he had risked his own freedom to save. This was just magnificent..
"I'll just leave you two alone" He walked out the door, Erik paused, watched him leave. Then he turned his attention back to the matter at hand. The two stared at each other in silence for a moment, Erik glaring down at the prone Heero.
Heero broke the tense silence first, taking control of the unstable situation. His breathing was harsh and ragged as he tried to ignore the pain. That couldn't help him here. "Do you remember the others?"
The query was met with a blank stare, but there was something shimmering underneath....
"Duo, Quatre, Wufei? Any of them?"
"....yes...." Trowa's eyes were full of pain. "I remembered them." Fighting. In this place he was Erik. All the memories said he was Erik, but this person was telling him he was Trowa, was forcing him be Trowa in Erik's world. "But he doesn't fit here"
Heero pressed the only advantage he had. Erik was starting to doubt, and Heero was beginning to understand. The personality of Erik was linked to the people around this base, and to a lesser extent to the base itself. He could, had overridden the connection to the base, but there was so little here that would make Trowa, Trowa over Erik. So now.... now Heero just had to create another bond, one stronger, more stable than any Erik had. Make something here remind Trowa of Trowa. He could think of only one thing. "This place is the only monument they'll ever have"
"What do you mean?"
"They died here. I saw them all fall." Trowa's eyes widened slightly and Heero knew that he was getting closer.
"Trowa.... if we don't remember them who will? We have nothing left, no one left, neither did they. This place is their grave"
Trowa shrank away trying to hide from the confusion. These men that were here made him Erik. These men who were now surrounding him, filling the room, calling out to Erik. Could he ignore them?
But this was no longer Erik's place. But they were Erik's people. But this was Trowa's place, and one of Trowa's people was here, lying right beside him. And the memories of the others would live in these very halls.
So now… add them. He was Trowa. Trowa fit better. Ignoring the men behind him, he turned to Heero, who was slowing pulling himself to the edge of the table. He was waiting for a hint as to what to do next, whether he would now die at the hands of his friend, or if they were to have their vengeance.
The locked eyes and Heero saw pure Trowa staring back at him. His friend, his ally.
A smile flickered across his face, and was answered in kind. They would fight now and damn the consequences.
Together they turned faced the enemy.
It took only a few moments and they were running through the halls. Weakened they couldn't fight for long, but they would fight long enough.
They would have retribution.
End notes: ***this you must read to understand the epilogues!!!**
Yes there are 3 of them. They are not other chapters, they are "alternate truths". Each of them begins jsut after this chapter ends. They also cannot all be 'right' blending them together doesn't work... *grins* believe me I've tried ^_^
Here's a summary for each of them so you can decide which one you want to take as 'right'.... read them all and tell me which one you liked the best, read just the one you like and tell me what was wrong wtih the ideas behind the others *grins* It doesn't matter but *rolls eyes* thanks to my muses I think I should have an ending that satisifies everyones tastes ^_^
Epilogue 1: This one follows the feel of the chapters. It doesn not get any more angsty, but things still aren't perfect. It has sort of a happy ever after ending, but you can't change the past.
epilogue 2: This one is severly angsty. *grins* origionally it had the same beginning as the other, only branching off when Heero started talking to Trowa and it wanted to continue into a whole other massive project but I managed to hold it in check...
epilogue 3: This one is the ultimate happily ever after.. if you don't like that I killed them all off, read this. I can fix that problem with the wonders of VR. It kinda turns all the other chapters onto their heads.
enjoy!
