Disclaimer:
Everything you recognise from Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling (aka The Goddess – a real one)
Everything you recognise from The Princess Diaries belongs to Meg Cabot
I own nothing :o)

Author's Note:
Well. I got some really nice reviews and I got some flames, so I sat there for a while trying to work out if I should bother continuing but you know, I'm having fun, so I'll keep going. I know that I copied whole sentences out of The Princess Diaries and just changed the names, that was actually pretty much the point it's a spoof A joke. Not to be taken seriously. I guess I should have said that earlier. (Actually, I just re-uploaded Part 1 so it does say that now.) I'm hereby revoking any claims what-so-ever to creativity, and I sincerely hope I didn't actually make any I just thought, Hey, I like The Princess Diaries and duh, I like Harry Potter wouldn't if be cool if I put the HP guys in TPD story etc etc. I just wanted to have a little fun with this, I didn't want to actually write a story and claim I wrote it! It's a piece of light entertainment, and that's all. I apologise to anybody I offended. If I you laughed, I'm so glad you did, and thank you for letting me know, I really appreciate it :o)


The Goddess Diaries - Part Two

Thursday October 11 2001, Astronomy Tower

My life is a lie. A lie. A LIE.
OK. Hermione, take a deep breath. Calm down. Start at the beginning.
The beginning. Yes.
Today at breakfast Ginny, Ron and Harry were all, Are you alright? because I didn't talk to anybody when I go back last night and they could totally tell that something was wrong.
But I couldn't exactly tell them that I was upset because I just found out that I am a GODDESS, could I? Uh, NO. I remembered how Ginny talks about religion and sectarianism as being the downfall of humanity.
Oh, you know, my Uncle Hermes died, it's all very sad.
Ron and Harry bought it, because they are guys and so very dense (and there's nothing wrong with that when you don't want to talk) but Ginny remembered that I told her last week how I'd never met my uncle. So spill. Did Crookshanks kill someone else's pet?
I shot daggers at her. Ron coughed rather loudly.
Uh, it's probably just PMS, I'm fine, really.
You can't have PMS, Hermione, you had your period last week. I remember because you were saying how you had to ditch Harry and Ron in Hogsmeade to buy tampons and on Thursday you ate four puddings at lunch.
Ron and Harry went redder than I was. I wish Ginny would stop being so assertive and caring and didn't have such a good memory. Then she saw the boys sitting there examining their cereal with a great deal of interest and dropped it.
Thank God.
I mean oh whatever.
And then I was in Potions (Ron and Harry wouldn't even look at me after breakfast obviously I'm a freak who's a girl now, as Ron so kindly pointed out last year) and Professor McGonagall comes in looking all stern and says that I have to go to Professor Dumbledore's office. Professor Snape looked all pleased that I was in trouble and let me go. As I left Pansy Parkinson waved and smiled evilly at me.
Professor McGonagall was all silent as we were walking to Professor Dumbledore's office and then she just goes, I heard you're still failing Flying, Miss Granger, and I got really worried because she usually calls me Hermione' when I'm not in class, even though she calls all of the other kids Miss' or Mr' and I think, Oh my God, I'm going to get expelled because I can't work a broomstick!!! I'm a failure to witches and wizards the world over. I bet I embarrass the school.
But what's the big deal? Can't I just learn to Apparate in the three years? Or maybe I won't be able to that either.
So I just said, Yes, I am, but I've been improving this last week, and I couldn't believe I just lied to my favourite teacher, because I was no better this week than I was in 1st Year. Then we got to Professor Dumbledore's door and I didn't have to speak to her anymore. She muttered the password to the gargoyle, which hopped out the way, and left.
I stopped dead when I got to Professor Dumbledore's office.
MY PARENTS WHERE SITTING THERE.
Argh, I AM getting expelled!!
But they were actually there to talk to me about being a goddess. I wished I was getting expelled; I'd rather that than be a goddess, which is saying something because I'd rather die than get expelled from Hogwarts.
Professor Dumbledore and my Dad where just sitting there having a nice chat about when my Dad was at Hogwarts. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT????
I stared at him. He got all embarrassed and he told me that HE IS A WIZARD and I started yelling again, demanding why he'd never told me and he said that he and Mum never thought I'd be a witch so they thought they wouldn't tell me because Mum wanted to be and then when I did end up being a witch they didn't want me to be upset so they kept lying to me.
Well.
EXCUSE ME, I yelled some more, BUT DO YOU REALISE THAT I WOULD HAVE BEEN LESS UPSET THAT YOU LIED TO ME FOR ELEVEN YEARS THAN I AM NOW FROM FINDING OUT THAT YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE WHILE I'VE HAD TO DEAL WITH FOUR YEARS OF PEOPLE CALLING ME
Professor Dumbledore looked really surprised to see me yelling, but not as much as Mum and Dad because I never yell, even though they saw me yell yesterday, and Ginny says I have a fear of confrontation.
Well. Did I ever confront them then. But I was also crying so it wasn't as effective. I started crying even more when they told me that I was transferring to the Athena Magi School in Athens (well, you'd think that's where is it, wouldn't you?) where my Mum went to school.
I nearly keeled over.
HELLO? I AM A PUREBLOOD?? AND HOW STUPID WHERE THEY TO THINK THAT I'D NOT BE A WITCH. How can these people be my parents? THEY ARE SO DENSE. Honestly.
I yelled at them that I wasn't transferring ANYWHERE. You lied to be my whole life! Why you I come and live with you?
I realise this was a completely Party of Five thing to say, and I'm sorry to say I followed it up with some pretty Party of Five behaviour. I turned around on my heel really quickly and stormed out of Professor Dumbledore's office and slammed the door. I didn't stop walking 'til I got here, but no one saw me and no one stopped me.
I bet Mum and Dad weren't impressed that I'd walked out on them on them again.
I can't believe this.
My entire life has been a lie.
Why is this happening to me?
What did I do to deserve this, huh?
What?
WHAT?
WHAT??????

Later Thursday, my dorm room

OK, so I went down to lunch because I was pretty hungry (all this crying really takes it out of you) and because I didn't want to get in any more trouble – I'd missed Potions and Runes and Care of Magical Creatures already due to the fact that I had been bawling up the top of the Astronomy tower – and Ginny just wouldn't get off my back about why my eyes were all red so I had to tell her that my parents had to come and see the Headmaster because I'm failing Flying, but Pansy Parkinson, the nosy cow, overheard me telling Ginny and now THE WHOLE SCHOOL KNOWS.
Can my life get any worse?
Now I'm not just a know-it-all freak, I'm a freak who fails classes.
And then I had to go BACK to Professor Dumbledore's office and Mum and Dad were full apologetic for pulling this on me.
They said that Professor Dumbledore had come up with an idea for a compromise. Isn't he great? Now I'm allowed to stay at Hogwarts 'til after I've finished 7th Year, but I have to go to Greece for the Summer holidays and Christmas – I'm not complaining about Christmas. Last Christmas all that happened was I had yet another HUGE fight with Ron. I'm willing to sacrifice that – and so it'll be like being a part-time goddess or something and that can't be so bad, can it?
I'm sure it will be.
After I left I had just one class left – Charms – so I went to that. And now I have HEAPS of homework.
I wish I could talk to someone about this. I wish I could tell Ginny. But I can't. I know she would hate me. She is vehemently opposed to religion because when it is prescribed onto the masses it leads to fundamentalism, delusion and sectarianism and will ultimately become the downfall of world.
At least, that's what she said in her History of Magic oral report about the Puritans and their witch-burnings and book banning and stuff.
She would hate me if she found out I was a goddess, even if I'm not a Christian one who would never tell anyone to burn witches and ban books because they are about magic.
Oh, Ginny's insisting that I come out of my room now and she says that I have to cheer up and that she and Harry and Ron are going to do it or die trying.
I told her that it would be better for the world if I was miserable than them being dead, because they would fail, but she's making me.

Friday October 12 2001, early

Today when I woke up the robins outside my window were chirping away (Crookshanks was on the windowsill, watching them), and the sun was shining and I have my own room now because I'm a Prefect so I don't have to listen to Lavender and Parvati yapping away while they did their hair every morning like over the past four years. I took a shower and didn't cut my legs shaving them, found a fairly unwrinkled set of school robes in the bottom of my trunk, and even got my hair to look halfway passable. I was in a good mood. It was Friday. Friday is my favourite day, besides Saturday and Sunday. Fridays always means two days – two glorious, relaxing days – of NO Flying are coming my way.
It was still early and I had some homework leftover so I happily took it down to the common room to finish it.
And then I remembered. I remembered why I still had homework. I still had homework because I didn't do it last night. I didn't do it last night because last night Ginny insisted on cheering me up. Last night Ginny insisted on cheering me up because two days ago I found out something that made me miserable. I couldn't believe I'd forgotten:
I'm a goddess.
Oh my God. (Habit.) Everything good about my day went right out the window after that.
But no use dwelling on it, I suppose. All my homework is done now, and I've got a while before breakfast, so I figure I'd fill in on Ginny and Harry and Ron's cheering efforts.
Last night was totally fun.
Ron zapped me with a Cheering Charm the second I came down to the common room, so I was all hyper for a while 'til it wore off. He made me play chess with him while I was still Charmed and I was giggling the whole time so got thumped – I still can't believe I haven't beaten him yet EVER. One day, Ronald Weasley, one day I will get you.
Then we all kinda just sat around talking about stuff, like what we were going to do next summer and all (which was odd because it's still October).
Then, Ginny asked me who I thought was the best Bridget Jones guy, because we'd seen the move last summer. I said, because he was nice and he really loved her and Daniel was just a creep.
Ginny agreed, but Ron and Harry where pretty confused, because they hadn't seen the movie, and it was a chick flick, anyway.
So, I asked Harry who he liked best, Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Sabrina the Teenage Witch, (he'd seen those shows over the summers with the Dursleys because Dudley likes them, even if Harry's Aunt Petunia refuses to be in the same room as the telly when Sabrina is on) and Harry said, Sabrina, because Buffy's a little overly violent. I told you he was a twit.
By this stage, poor Ron was feeling a bit left out, so I asked him if he'd prefer Celestina Warbeck, the Singing Sorceress, or the Pride of Portee Keeper Meghan McCormack. He picked the Quidditch player.
Typical.
Then Ginny asked me the weirdest question. She said, If it was the end of the world and you had to repopulate the planet with only one life mate, who would you choose, Colin Firth or Kirley McCormack? (He's the lead guitarist of the Weird Sisters.)
After telling her how weird I thought she was for thinking up that question, I picked Colin – I wish someone would look at me the way he looks at Bridget Jones and Elizabeth Bennett in BBC's Pride and Prejudice – and then Harry asked Ginny, if she had to choose between Kirley McCormack and Kennilworthy Whisp, who would it be, and Ginny said Kirley McCormack, and I said I'd choose him too – Hello? Someone who writes books about Quidditch? As if – then Ron goes, Who would you choose, Kirley McCormack or Viktor Krum? and we both chose Kirley McCormack because Viktor is so passé, and Ron looked kinda smug, then he went, Who would you choose, Kirley McCormack or Draco Malfoy, and Ginny said Kirley McCormack, because he used to be a carpenter before he joined the Weird Sisters and if it was the end of the world, he could build her a house, but I said Draco Malfoy, because he'd live longer – Kirley is like THIRTY – and be able to give me a hand with the kids.
Then Ron started saying all this totally unfair stuff about Draco Malfoy, like how in the face of Armageddon he'd probably show cowardice, but Ginny said fear of new things is not an accurate measure of one's potential for growth, with which I agreed. Then Ron said we were both idiots if we thought Draco Malfoy would ever give us so much as the time of day, that he only likes girls like Pansy Parkinson, who have mastered the art of Body Enhancement Charms.
So Ginny asked Ron who he would choose if he had to, me or Pansy Parkinson, and he said, without even hesitating, Hermione, of course, but I'm sure he was only saying that because I was right there in the room and he didn't want to dis me to my face.
I wish Ginny wouldn't do things like that.
But she kept on doing it, wanting to know who Ron would choose, me or Celestina Warbeck, or me or Meghan McCormack. He chose me over Celestina, but Meghan won, hands down, over me, because Ron said he'd be able to play Quidditch with Meghan and he'd just get bored of me talking about books that used to exist, but didn't anymore, with the world being blown up, and all.
Humph.
Harry laughed at that and I was pretty annoyed at him so I totally laughed my head off when Ron asked Harry who he'd choose, Ginny or Cho Chang. Ginny went all pouty at Ron and Harry went really red and said he'd have to think about it. Ginny looked really cut and I felt quite mean for laughing, but then she deserved it for what she said next.
Hey, Hermione, who would you choose to be with for Eternity, Ron or Draco Malfoy?
Gaaaah!
Well, it was SO obviously Draco Malfoy, but Ron was right there and he's one of my best friends and he hates Draco, and he'd get really upset if I said Draco – I could tell because he was looking at me really closely – so I was all, Oh, well, yeah, that would be really easy trying like mad to avoid saying anything but not wanting to pull a Harry at the same time, when Fred and George exploded some Filibusters that they'd be so they were about ten times louder.
Professor McGonagall rushed in and yelled at them and made everyone go up to their dorms (it was pretty late by then, anyway).
Maybe my Uncle Hermes was looking out for me. Heh.
When we were going upstairs, Ginny asked me again who I'd choose, Draco Malfoy or her brother, and I had to say Draco Malfoy, because Draco Malfoy is the hottest boy in our whole school, maybe even the whole world, and I am completely and totally in love with him, and not just because of the way his blond hair sometimes falls over his amazing grey eyes or because he's a Prefect and the Slytherin Quidditch Captain, but because I know that behind that jock-façade he maintains, he is a deeply sensitive and caring person, I could tell by the way he looked at me in Hogsmeade.
But I couldn't help thinking if it really were the end of the world, it might be better with Ron, even if he isn't so hot, because at least he makes me laugh. I think at the end of the world, a sense of humour would be important.
Plus, of course, Ron looks really good without a shirt.
And if it really was the end of the world, Ginny would be dead, so she'd never know her brother and I were procreating!
I'd never want Ginny to know I felt that way about Ron. She'd think it was weird. What if she told him? He'd think it was weird.
Weirder even than me turning out to be a Goddess of Mount Olympus.

Later Friday, Notes from the common room (warning: non-Disney entry)

Ginny – I can't stand this. Why is Prof McG in the common room?
Since when do we have supervised study? And it's FRIDAY NIGHT!
I don't know. Maybe she has to keep and eye on
Gred and Forge. Merlin, he is so CUTE.
Who's cute?
HARRY!
He isn't cute. He's a twit, scar or no scar.
Are you still miserable?
Yes.

Ginny Weasley's Top Five Pick-Up Lines for Quidditch Players
5. So, are the rumours true? Is it really a Firebolt?
4. Well, I'm pretty agile on a broomstick.
3. Do you want a hand polishing your Firebolt?
2. Is that a Firebolt in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?
1. Hey there. Can I ride
your Firebolt?

Hermione Granger's Top Five Worst Reponses to above Pick-Up Lines
5. No, it's a Cleansweep Three, actually.
4. Sorry, I play for the other team.
3. No thanks, I'm already getting it serviced.
2. ARGH! The Snitch! And I couldn't get it because you were in the way, you git!
1. No, I just hand polished it this afternoon.

Hermione, you are such a pessimist. Lighten up.
No I'm not, I'm a realist. And you have a one-track mind.
Oh come on. How can you say that Harry's not cute?
Like this: HARRY'S NOT CUTE.
You're just jealous, because Harry's a Quidditch genius,
and you're flunking Flying.

Ginny, just because I'm flunking Flying does NOT mean I'm stupid.
OK, OK. What's wrong with you?
NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday 13 October 2001

Mum made me sign a contract. I can't be bothered to write it all out, but it basically says that I'm allowed to finish school at Hogwarts as long as I do goddess stuff over the holidays. It's that thing.
I had to go down to Hogsmeade again, so after lunch Nick came to pick me up again and took me to the Three Broomsticks which is where Mum and Dad are staying until this gets sorted out.
I was fine with the Granger-Acropolis Compromise, except for this part about functions of the realm. What were they?
My Mum got all vague. Oh, you know. Attending the funerals of spiritual leaders, religious festivals, opening balls, that sort of thing.
Hello? Funerals? Balls?
I don't go to balls. Look at what happened last year, and no-one wants to take me this year, it's in like two weeks and I haven't been invited. I mean, who would want to look at me at a ball anyway?
That Sleakeasy stuff last year took like TWO HOURS and I refuse to do it again. Frizz forever, that's my motto.
And I don't know anything about Greek religion. Or Greek anything, for that matter.
Oh, don't worry, dear, Grandmamma will take care of that.
But she lives in France, I said to Mum, How can she?
ANOTHER LIE.
Grandmamma lives in France for the summers when we go to visit her there. She actually lives in Greece.
SIGH.
But hey, what can she do? She's still in Greece!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Later Saturday

Well. When I got back to school, Pansy Parkinson and her entourage were doing cheer drills in the grounds when I drove up in the limo and she was all, Oooooooh, does the Muggle-born have to get driven around in a car now, because she can't work a broomstick? in this really snotty voice.
I was so going to yell at her, Oh shut up you ditz, I'm a Pureblood AND a goddess AND I've got something you'll never have, BRAINS, but I wasn't feeling very assertive.
And then Nick opens up his window – I refused to let him open the door for me to get out. What does he think I am? An idiot who can't open car doors? – and tells me that I left my quill in the car, so when I get out again from picking it up, Pansy is like FLIRTING WITH NICK!!!! (He was giving her this weird You are such a bimbo, get away look as he was closing up the tinted window)
I couldn't believe it!
HELLO? She's going out with Draco Malfoy and flirting with my driver at the same time??
What a hussy.
Draco Malfoy deserves SO much better.
I wished he'd come over and see, but he didn't.

Things to do:
1. Transfiguration – Notes
2. Charms – read up on Levitation Charms (hmmmmm)
3. Arithmancy – problems pg 373-491
4. Buy:
A. Two new quills
B. Ink (blue)
5. Write to Dept. Of Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures
re: renewing Kneazle licence for Crookshanks (expires December)
6. Be more assertive
7. Stop thinking about Draco Malfoy

Sunday 14 October 2001

There were Quidditch tryouts today. Obviously, I didn't try out because I can't fly, but Ron and Ginny did, so I went down to watch and cheer them on. Maybe I should join the Gryffindor Cheer Squad that Lav & Pav have started uh, maybe not.
Ginny's going for chaser and Ron's going for keeper. He was actually very good.
When Ginny had finished we were just hanging around near the drink fountains waiting for Ron and Harry when Pansy Parkinson and her little group walked over, and Pansy was like, Oh, can't get off the ground, Hermione? May I suggest a broom, you use them to fly.
I would have hauled her off and hexed her – but maybe I wouldn't have, Ginny says I have a fear of confrontation, and all – if Draco Malfoy hadn't walked up AT THAT VERY MOMENT. I knew he totally heard, but all he said was, Can I get by here? to Ginny because she was blocking his way to the drink fountain.
I was so ready to go slinking back to the common room – that was all I needed, my inability to fly pointed out right in front of Draco Malfoy – but Ginny couldn't leave it well enough alone. She got all red in the face – like Ron does when he gets mad – and said to Pansy, Why don't you do us all a favour and go curl up some place and die, Parkinson?
Well, nobody tells Pansy Parkinson to curl up some place and die. I mean nobody. Unless they want their names all over the walls of the Girls' Bathrooms.
But Ginny doesn't care about things like that. I mean, she's already had her name scrawled over the walls at school. In blood. Ginny's been possessed by the young You-Know-Who. She's not scared of anything.
So when Pansy Parkinson started in on her for telling her to curl up and die, Ginny just blinked up at her and was like, Bite me.
The whole thing would have escalated into this giant girl fight – Ginny has six brothers and can duel like nobody's business – if Draco Malfoy hadn't picked up his Nimbus 2001 and said I'm outta here, in a disgusted voice. That was when Pansy dropped it like a flobberworm and scooted after him going, Draco, wait up. Wait up, Draco!
Ginny and I stood there looking at each other like we couldn't believe it. I still can't. Who are these people and why do we have to be incarcerated with them on a daily basis?

Monday 15 October 2001

Oh, I am so bummed. They're gone. Mum and Dad went to Greece.
Just like that.
Gone.
I'm so alone.
Actually, it's not like I see them everyday because I'm at boarding school and stuff, and they can Apparate over in emergencies (HONESTLY!) and all that, but still They're in another country.
So after Runes, my last class today, I ran up to the common room to find Ginny, because even if I can't tell her everything, talking to her makes me feel so much better.
But she wasn't around. Ron was, though, doing homework – what has gotten into him lately? Is he sick? Has he been possessed by someone? Did he get hit by a Bludger at Quidditch tryouts yesterday? – so I said to him, Hey Ron, have you seen Ginny?

And he looked up at me and didn't say anything for a second, and then he said, Why do you have to talk to Ginny?
Um, duh, because she's my best friend. I said, Oh, it's none of your business. I know that was pretty rude, but I was also pretty upset.
And so Ron got all narky was like, What's the matter Hermione, Dreamboy hasn't invited you to the Halloween ball yet? and I go, Who's Dreamboy? and Ron says, You know, your post-apocalyptic life mate of choice, Draco Malfoy.
I started screaming inside my head, Ginny told him! I can't believe she told him! I'm going to kill her!
But I couldn't say anything, and by then I was even more upset and so I said, kind of meanly, Oh shut up Ron, HAVE – YOU – SEEN – GINNY? and he said, even more meanly, What's wrong Hermione, did I strike a nerve? and jumped up, left all his books there and stormed out of the common room.
Ron can be such a jerk sometimes.
If he thought I was going to congratulate him on getting Gryffindor Keeper – which I was going to do, because he did – he'd better think again after that.
Humph.

And then Ginny came up, she was late because she had been talking to Professor Flitwick after class and she was even more upset than I was because she didn't get on the team and she's failing Charms, so I didn't feel like yelling at her for telling Ron about me choosing Draco Malfoy because I know how she's feeling about being terrible at Flying and failing and she made me feel heaps better about my parents moving to Greece (to look after my Grandmother who's devastated at losing her only son).
My life is a convoluted web of lies.
I think it's genetic.

Continued in Part Three...