| Later
Saturday night, My Room, Gryffindor Tower Why?
Why??
Why???
I can't believe this is
happening. I can't believe this is happening to ME!
WHY? WHY ME? WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME these
things have to happen to????
I'm trying to remember what
Grandmamma told me, about how to act under duress. Because I am definitely under duress. I
keep trying to breath in through my nose, out through my mouth like Grandmamma said. In
through my nose, out through my –
HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME??? HOW,
HOW, HOW??????????!!!!!
I could rip his stupid face off. I
could hex him to Antarctica and back. I could slap him harder than I did in 3rd
Year. I really could. I mean, who does he think he is? Do you know what he did? Do you
know what he did? Well, let me tell you what he did:
So, after finishing of all that vodka,
Draco decided that instead of dancing we should go for a walk outside. Oh, gee, let me
see, this is a ball, isn't dancing what you're SUPPOSED to do?
So we head out of the Great Hall and I
was thinking, maybe everything would be alright, since while we were walking, Draco had
his arm around my shoulders, which was really nice, since my dress robes are sleeveless,
and even though I have a wrap, it's just this shimmery see-through veil thing. So
I'm appreciative of his arm since it's keeping me warm. It's a nice arm,
really, very muscular from all that Snitch-catching. The only problem is, Draco
doesn't smell that good, not like Ron, who always smells like soap. No, I think Draco
must have taken a bath in aftershave, or something, a kind of aftershave that in large
doses actually smells pretty vile. I could hardly breathe, but whatever. In spite of that,
I'm thinking, OK, things aren't that bad. Yes, he didn't respect my rights
as a vegetarian, but you know, everybody makes mistakes. And I can't stop him from
drinking. That's his choice; I have no control over his choices. Like I said,
everybody makes mistakes. We'll just get away from his friends and he'll look
into my soul again with those crystal grey eyes and everything will be all right.
Boy, was I ever wrong.
First of all, we could hardly get out
onto the grounds, which didn't have any decorations or anything, which actually
surprised me. I guess last year they had all those ice statues and stuff to show off to
everyone from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons.
But I digress.
At first I couldn't figure out
why so many people were hanging around outside, a little way down the path from the oak
front doors so you can't see them until you're already a bit outside Yes, lots
of people leave balls to go snogging in the rose bushes, or whatever, but there
shouldn't be THAT many people out there, right? I mean, at least, not right out in
the open.
And then I realised why there's
so many people. There are reporters standing all over the place, smoking Billywigs,
testing out their Quick-Quotes Quills, waiting.
Waiting for what?
Waiting for me, it turns out.
As soon as Nick saw the reporters he
started to swear very colourfully in some language that wasn't English, French or
Greek. But you could tell they were swear words by his voice. I turned around to him and
was like, How could they have known? How could they have known? Could Grandmamma
have told him?
But you know, I really don't
think Grandmamma would have done this. I really don't. Not after our talk. I laid it
on the line for Grandmamma. I came down on her like an Auror on a Death Eater. Grandmamma
would not, I'm sure, EVER call the press on me again, without my permission.
But there they all were, and SOMEBODY
floo-called or owled them, all right, and if it wasn't Grandmamma, then who was it?
Draco was totally unconcerned by the
Quick-Quotes Quills and cameras and everything. He goes, So what? You ought to be
used to it by now.
Oh, right. Let me tell you how used to
it I am by now. So used to it that the sight of these reporters walking over to me, even
with the arm of the cutest boy in the school around me, made me feel like I was going to
barf up all of that salad and bread.
Come on, Draco said.
You and I can make a run for it while Nick holds them off.
Nick totally did not like that idea.
He went, I think not. You can hold them off, if you want to be gallant, and
the goddess and I will make a run for it.
But the reporters were all rushing
over to us and Draco was already grabbing onto my hand and tugging me. He said, Come
on. You only live once, and started dragging me away.
And like the really stupid chump that
I am, I let him.
That's right. I let him drag me
back up the path, to the oak front doors, where a whole other bunch of reporters had
already congregated. Because his hand felt so nice over mine, so big and protective, so
warm and secure, I thought, Oh, what could happen? So a bunch of flashbulbs will go off.
So what? We'll just make a run for it, like he said. Everything will be fine.
So I said to Nick, as Reporter Pack
One started bearing down on us, waving fluorescent quills, That's OK, Nick, you
try and hold them off a bit. Draco and I will go back inside.
Nick said, No, Goddess, wait
–
Which were the last words I heard out
of him – for a while, anyway – since by that time Draco and I were about ten
metres away from him and he got swamped by all these reporters who were yelling out,
It's her! It's her!
And then Draco was pulling me up the
steps, and I was sort of laughing, since for the first time it was sort of fun.
Flashbulbs were going off everywhere, blinding me, so that all I could see were the steps
underneath us as we ran up them. I was totally concentrating on holding up the hem of my
dress robes so I didn't trip up, and had put all my faith in those fingers wrapped
around my other hand. I was completely dependant on Draco to lead the way, since I
couldn't see a blessed thing.
So when he suddenly stopped, I thought
it was because we were at the oak front doors. I thought we'd stopped because Draco
was opening the doors for me. I know it's stupid, but that's what I thought. I
could see the doors. We were standing right in front of them. Below us, on the stairs, the
reporters were screaming questions and taking pictures. Some moron was yelling, Kiss
her! Kiss her! which I don't need to tell you was way embarrassing.
And so I stood there, like a complete
IDIOT, waiting for Draco to open the doors, instead of doing the smart thing, which was
open the doors myself and get inside where it was safe, where there weren't any
Quick-Quotes Quills or reporters or people yelling Kiss her, kiss her.
And then, I don't know how, the
next thing I knew, Draco had put his arm around me again, dragged me to him, and smashed
his mouth against mine.
I swear, that's exactly what it
felt like. He just smashed his mouth against mine, and all these flashes started going
off, but believe me, it wasn't like in those books Lavender reads, where the boy
kisses the girl and she sees, like, fireworks and stuff behind her eyelids. I really WAS
seeing lights go off, but they weren't fireworks, the were flashes from cameras.
EVERYONE was taking a picture of Goddess Hermione getting her first kiss.
I am not even kidding. Like it
wasn't bad enough that this was my first kiss.
It was my first kiss, and Teen
Witch Weekly was photographing it.
Another thing about those books
Lavender reads: in those books, when the girl gets her first kiss, she gets this warm
gushy feeling inside. She feels like the guy is drawing out her soul from deep within her.
I didn't get that feeling. I didn't get that feeling at all. All I got was
embarrassed. It didn't feel especially good, having Draco Malfoy kiss me. All it
felt, really, was strange. It felt strange, having this guy stand there and smash his
mouth against mine. And you would think that after I'd spent so much time thinking
this guy was the greatest thing on earth, I'd have felt SOMETHING when he kissed me.
But all I felt was embarrassed.
And like dinner, I just kept wishing it
would end. All I could think was, When is he going to stop doing this? Am I even doing
this right? In the movies they move their heads around a lot. Should I move my head
around? What am I going to do if he tries to stick his tongue in there, I like used to see
him doing with Pansy? I can't let Teen Witch Weekly take a picture of me with
some guy's tongue in my mouth: my parents will kill me.
Then, just when I thought I
couldn't stand it another minute, that I was going to DIE of embarrassment right
there on the front steps of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Draco lifted up
his head, waved to the reporters, opened the oak front doors and pushed me inside.
Where, I swear to Circe, every single
person I knew was standing in the Entrance Hall, looking at us.
I am not kidding. There was Parvati
with Dean, looking at me in a sort of shocked way. There was Lavender with Seamus, with
her mouth hanging open. There was Ginny and Harry, and for once, Harry had actually
managed to get his hair to look halfway decent. In fact, he almost looked handsome, in a
geeky Wizarding hero kind of way. And Ginny, in these beautiful white dress robes with
spangles all over, and white roses in her hair. And there was Neville with Susan Bones,
and Fred and Angelina, George and Katie, Lee and Alica, and a bunch of other people I
probably knew but didn't recognise out of their school robes, all looking at me with
the same sort of expression Parvati was wearing, one of complete astonishment.
And there was Hagrid and Professor
McGonagall, both standing by the doors to the Great Hall, looking more astonished than
anybody.
Except maybe me. And Ron. But he
wasn't there, so he couldn't have looked astonished. Wow, I wonder what he
would have done if he was there. I bet he would have tried that slug-hurling hex on Draco
again.
But I would have to say, out of
everybody that was there, I was the person most in shock. I mean, Draco Malfoy HAD
just kissed me. DRACO MALFOY had just KISSED me. Draco Malfoy had just kissed ME.
Did I mention that he'd kissed me
ON THE LIPS?
Oh, and that he did it in front of the
reporters from TEEN WITCH WEEKLY?
So I'm standing there, and
everybody is looking at me, and outside, I could still hear the reporters yelling and
inside the Great Hall, I could hear the Weird Sisters playing some new song of
their's that I don't know the name of, and these thoughts are moving really
sluggishly through my head, these thoughts that are saying:
He set you up.
He only asked you out so he could get
his picture in the paper.
He's the one who notified the
press that you'd be here tonight.
He probably only broke up with Pansy
just so he cold tell his friends that he's dating a girl who's worth three
hundred million Galleons. He never noticed you until you picture was on the front cover of
the Prophet. Ginny was right: that day in Hogsmeade, he WAS only suffering from a
synaptic breakdown when he smiled at you. He probly thinks his chances of getting a job at
the Ministry or whatever are way enhanced by the fact that he's the Goddess of Mount
Olympus's boyfriend.
And like a dumb schmuck, I fell for
it.
Great. Just great.
Ginny says I'm not assertive
enough and fear confrontation. Professor McGonagall says I have a tendency to internalise
everything.
My Mum says the same thing.
That's why she gave me this book for my birthday, in the hope that what I won't
tell her, I'll at least get out into the open somehow.
If it hadn't turned out that
I'm a goddess, maybe I might still be all that stuff. You know, unassertive, afraid
of confrontation, an internalizer. I probably wouldn't have done what I did next.
Which was turn to Draco and ask,
Why did you do that?
He was busy patting himself down,
making sure he looked all right after all that running and physical over exertion.
Do what?
Kiss me like that in front of
everybody.
He sort of combed his fingers though
his hair so it was all neat and stuff. I don't know, he said.
Didn't you hear them? They were yelling at me to kiss you. So I did. Why?
Because I didn't appreciate
it.
You didn't appreciate
it? Draco looked confused. You mean you didn't like it?
I said.
That's exactly what I mean. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at
all. Because I know you didn't kiss me because you like me. You just kissed me
because I'm a Goddess of Mount Olympus.
Draco looked at me like he thought I
was crazy.
That's crazy, he
said. I like you. I like you a lot.
I said, You can't like me a
lot. You don't even know me. That's why I thought you asked me out. So
you could get to know me better. But you haven't tried to get to know me at all. You
just wanted to get your picture in Witch Weekly.
He laughed at that, but I noticed he
didn't look me in the eye when he said, What do you mean, I don't even
know you? Of course I know you.
No, you don't. Because if
you did, you wouldn't have ordered me steak for dinner.
I heard a murmur go around through all
of my friends. I guess they recognised the seriousness of Draco's mistake, even if he
didn't. He heard them too, so when he replied, he was talking to them too. So I
ordered the girl a steak, he said with his arms open in a So-hex-me sort of way.
That's a crime? It was filet mignon, for Merlin's sake.
Ginny said, in her meanest voice,
She's a vegetarian, you sociopath.
This information didn't seem to
bother Draco very much. He just shrugged and went, Oops, so sorry.
Then he turned to me and said,
Ready to slide?
But I had no intention of sliding with
Draco. I had not intention of doing anything with Draco, ever again. I couldn't
believe, after what I'd just said to him, he thought I'd still want to.
The guy really was a sociopath. How could I have ever thought he'd seen into
my soul? HOW???
Disgusted, I did the only thing a girl
can be expected to do, under those circumstances:
I turned my back on him and walked
out.
I headed off in the direction of the
marble staircase so that I could hole myself up here in Gryffindor tower, so that no one
would see me crying.
As I was walking away, it finally
registered to Draco that I was ditching him. By that time, all his Slytherin friends had
shown up in the Entrance Hall, and they came tumbling through the doors just as Draco
said, sounding totally peeved, Merlin's beard! It was just a kiss!
I whirled around. It wasn't
just a kiss, I said. I was getting really mad. Maybe that's how you
wanted it to look, like it was just a kiss. But you and I both know what it was: a media
event. And one that you've been planning since you saw me in the Prophet.
Well, thank you, Draco, but I can get my own publicity. I don't need you.
Then, after holding my hand out to
Nick, who'd come back inside, for my journal, since I'd given it to him after I
got back from the Girls' Bathroom, I took it and stalked up the stairs to Gryffindor
tower. Which is where I am now, writing this.
Queen Mab! Can you BELIEVE that? I
mean, I ask you: my first kiss – my first kiss ever – and next week it's
going to be in every teen Wizarding magazine in the world. I wonder what the headline
under the picture will be? Young Deity In Love?
Excuse me, but ew.
And the kicker of it all is that I am
totally NOT in love with Draco Malfoy. I mean, it would have been nice – Who am I
kidding? It would have been GREAT – to have a boyfriend. Sometimes I think there
really is something wrong with me, that I don't have one.
But the thing is, I would rather not
have a boyfriend at all than have one who is using me for my money or the fact that my
mother is a ruling goddess or for any reason, really, except that he likes me for me,
and nothing else.
Of course, now that everyone knows
that I'm a goddess, it's going to be kind of hard to tell which guys like me for
me, and which guys like me for my powers (which I don't even know about yet. Mum said
we'd start working on them after I've done my N.E.W.T.s). But at least I
realized the truth about Draco before things went on too long.
How could I have ever liked
him? He's such a user. He totally used me! He purposefully hurt Pansy, and then he
tried to use me. And I played right into his hands like the stupid sap that I am.
What am I going to do? When my parents
see that photograph, they are going to FLIP OUT. There is not way I will ever be able to
explain that it wasn't my fault. Maybe if I'd punched Draco in his stupid
perfect face again in front of all those cameras. Maybe then my parents would believe I
was an innocent bystander
But probably not.
I will never be allowed out with a boy
again, ever, for the rest of my natural life.
Uh oh. I hear voices outside my door.
Someone is knocking and wanting to talk to me.
It's Lavender and Parvati. They
want to know if I'm all right. Somebody else is with them.
Oh, dear Merlin, I recognise that
voice! It's Ginny! Ginny, Lavender and Parvati all want to know if I'm all
right!
Ginny is actually speaking to me
again. Not criticizing me, or complaining about my behaviour. She is actually speaking to
me in a friendly manner. She's saying through my door that she's sorry for
laughing at my hair and that she knows she's controlling, and she says she's
going to make a concerted effort to stop telling everyone, especially me, what to do.
Wow! Ginny is admitting she did
something wrong! I can't believe it! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
She and Lavender and Parvati want me
to come out and hang out with them at the Ball. But I told them I don't want to, It
would be too awkward, all of them with dates, and me by myself like a big dope.
And then Ginny goes, Oh,
that's OK. Ron came down after dinner. He's been hanging around by himself like
a big dope for the past hour.
Ron Weasley went to a school social
event??? I can't believe it!! He never does anything, except play Quidditch and chess
and make sarcastic comments and stuff!! I wondered why I didn't see him in the common
room when I came up!!!
I have got to see this for myself. I am
going down there right now.
More later. |