What were we
smoking???
Written by: Magus
II, Kami-San, and Awesome Taro
Part Two:
The
Inexplicable Explanation
(This story was written in the schizophrenic manner of AOL Instant Messaging. What you see is an exact transcript of the entire conversation. I think we tell some sort of story too, but if you're trying to apply logic, you'd better reread the title.)
When Hermione finally woke up from her refreshing sleep, she went back to sleep again.
Hold it. I finally get you guys to sign on again so that we can write another chapter here, and you write something stupid like that?
Look, man, I'm tired, all right? I went out with my girlfriend last night.
If you can call her a girlfriend.
Yeah, you two make "platonic" sound like something from the dinosaur age come back to life.
What the hell does "platonic" mean?
Platonic: Adj. A relationship in which nothing happens.
Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm convulsing with laughter.
Hey, man, she likes you! Seriously!
Yeah, you should do something with her!
I do!
Other than beating her at bowling.
So I happen to be a good bowler. So what?
So take her to a romantic movie! Or better yet: a horror movie!
Or even better: just take her home…
Can we just get on with the story?
Sure. Magus II, you start this time.
Cool.
When Hermione Granger woke up from a very restful sleep, she went down to the common room, expecting to see nothing more out of the ordinary than any other day.
She was wrong.
When she finished coming down the stairs, she saw that the entire common room had been trashed. Chairs were toppled over everywhere, the fire was out, and the rug and wallpaper were severely ripped in more than a few places. Hermione had just enough time to wonder where everyone was when Ron and Harry burst into the room.
It was not Harry and Ron as she knew them, however. Just as she knew that it was Ron and Harry, she couldn't help noticing that both of them had visibly changed from the previous day. Ron was considerably thinner, much more muscular, and his normally flaming red hair had been toned down to a smoldering auburn. He was dressed in a long overcoat with a pair of odd gloves on. Hermione could see, but she didn't believe, that several guns were hanging from his belt. In fact, he bore an amazing resemblance to Gene Starwind, of Outlaw Star. But that was just a cartoon!
Then she saw Harry. To her surprise and amusement, Harry looked completely different. His hair, normally short and untidy, was pulled back into an impossibly long ponytail. His wizard robes had become white, and his glasses had somehow fogged over so that Hermione could no longer see his eyes through the glass. He had somehow been transformed into a living replica of Mousse from Ranma ½!
These surprises, however, were nothing compared to the shock she received when she glanced into a mirror. Her somewhat bushy brown hair had been changed to a bright blue. Her body seemed to have filled out overnight, and no matter how she looked at herself, she saw a young, slutty-looking Bulma Briefs. She screamed.
Then she realized the implications of what had just run through her brain. She had never even known that anime existed before…
Before Malfoy's curse.
"Hermione!" Harry gasped.
"Hermione?" Ron looked amazed, and Hermione could sense that Ron was having a hard time concentrating on whatever it was he had been trying to say. His eyes were bulging wide, and Hermione got the disquieting impression that he was ogling her. She turned around and tried to cover herself. Her unusual outfit would have sent Professor McGonagall into cardiac arrest, had she walked in at that moment. Fortunately, Professor McGonagall had been transformed into a short old crone leaning on a walking stick bigger than she was at the moment. In short, she had been changed into Cologne.
As Harry, Ron, and Hermione (a.k.a. Mousse, Gene, and Bulma) exited the common room, they noticed that several other changes had been implemented overnight. Fred and George had been transformed into the MacDougal brothers, also from Outlaw Star, and Peeves the Poltergeist had been transformed into the tiny pervert known as Happosai. The tiny man/ghost had already collected a large armful of women's underpants, and Hermione hid behind Ron as the annoying creature flew past.
"Harry! Look out!" Ron yelled, pointing down the hallway.
His warning came too late for Harry, however, who was run over by an oriental girl riding a bicycle. She waved to them and spoke in broken English.
"Someone order Chinese?"
"Ch-Cho?!?!?" Harry mumbled from underneath the wheels.
"Oh. Is you. Bye-bye!" Cho/Shampoo cycled away, completely unaware that she was riding her bike through the semi-crowded halls of a castle. Harry got a close-up look at the skid marks she was making before Ron and Hermione helped to lift him up off of the ground.
"What was that?" Ron asked.
"I think that Malfoy's responsible for this," Harry remarked. He pointed down the hallway to make his point, and saw that Pansy Parkinson and the rest of the Slytherin fifth-year girls were outfitted in ridiculous Sailor Scout uniforms, all fawning over a Roger Davies dressed in a black tuxedo and a white mask. (Tuxedo Mask. Duh.)
"This doesn't seem like his style," Hermione mused. "He's more of the kind to make you wake up with dysentery than change you into an anime character."
"I don't care what he did, I know he did it. You said he couldn't have known what that spell would do until it was too late, right? So he did that spell, hoping it'd, I dunno, turn our skin green, or something –" Ron was interrupted by a Slytherin seventh-year floating by who had been changed into Zarbon. "Anyway, this is what happened to everyone! It sort of backfired, didn't it?"
"I just hope no one's been hurt so far," said Harry.
* * *
As Harry, Ron, and Hermione made their way down to breakfast, hoping to find Malfoy and make him undo the spell, they ran into Cologne/Prof. McGonagall, who was hopping across the entrance hall on her staff. She told Hermione off for wearing indecent clothing, but didn't do anything about it. As she hopped off to the Great Hall, Happosai/Peeves collided with her at full speed. He began chasing him and smacking him with her walking stick.
Malfoy was nowhere to be seen when Harry, Ron and Hermione entered the Great Hall. They sat down and helped themselves to biscuits and gravy ("At least the food's still normal," said Ron) and speculated on the nature of the curse.
"Well, if we kill Malfoy, the curse'd end, right?" Ron asked hopefully.
"Not necessarily," Hermione answered.
"What if we looked up a countercurse?" Harry swallowed and joined in.
"We could do that, but I don't think there is one. The only solution seems to be making Malfoy do the curse again. That would revert all of us to our normal forms." Hermione ran her hands through her hair. It was shorter than usual, which was an odd feeling. "Our only hope is that Malfoy's been changed into something really embarrassing! Then he'd undo it on his own!"
"Good luck. Here he comes now."
Vegeta, Raditz, and Nappa had just entered the room. That is, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. They swaggered over to the Gryffindor table and stopped right in front of Harry.
"Do you like that, Potter? Nice glasses." Crabbe/Raditz and Goyle/Nappa laughed and cracked their knuckles menacingly. The transformation didn't seem to have aided in their mental development. "And I see that no curse is powerful enough to make Weasley any richer. And look at the Mudslut here!"
At these words, half of the Gryffindor table stood up. Harry/Mousse and Ron/Gene pulled out their wands. Hermione/Bulma, however, was thinking a little harder than the rest of them.
"Nice hair, Malfoy. I suppose you're late because you couldn't get it through any of the doorways? No, wait. You're short enough that it's just about even, isn't it?" Malfoy/Vegeta scowled at her. Crabbe/Raditz and Goyle/Nappa laughed and cracked their knuckles menacingly.
"You don't laugh when they insult us, you idiots!" Malfoy/Vegeta smacked them both across the face. They stopped laughing, but continued to crack their knuckles menacingly.
"Is that all you idiots ever do, laugh and crack your knuckles?" Ron said. Raditz/Crabbe nodded vigorously. Nappa/Goyle smacked him.
"Malfoy, undo the curse. It's affected everyone, even you and your cronies!" Harry/Mousse did not smile as he looked right at Malfoy/Vegeta.
Hang on. Can we stop with all of the dumb slashes? It's getting really annoying, Awesome/Taro!
Fine, Magus/II, we can stop with the slashes.
Who asked you, Kami/San?
Malfoy shook his head. "I like this body. I think I'm going to keep it for a while. Unless, of course, you've got something to… trade for it…" he looked straight at Hermione as he said this, and Hermione shuddered.
"What are you talking about, Veg-head?" Ron remarked. Malfoy glared at him.
"You know who the parents of Trunks are. I'm not asking for pregnancy, just a few… instant replays." He laughed. That laugh was cut off by a gun firing in his face and a wrecking ball hitting him in the stomach. Harry and Ron blinked as the saw what their wands had turned into. Malfoy lay unconscious on the ground. Crabbe and Goyle dragged him away to the Slytherin table.
Meanwhile, Hermione was losing her lunch into Malfoy's school bag, which had been left.
* * *
Okay, that was pretty good.
Who is the SICKO who came up with the I'll-reverse-the-curse-for-sex idea? That is probably the sickest thing I have ever read, apart from that Sirius/Snape slash that my girlfriend showed me!
You actually read that?
No, I just glanced at it, but it was really frightening.
But that's the kinda thing that Malfoy would say, isn't it?
NO!
NO! Hermione's a Mudblood! He'd never say that to her!
But she's in a different body! And so is he!
Just drop it, okay?
Fine.
(Author's note: We don't own anything or anyone of the characters from Outlaw Star, Ranma ½, Dragon Ball Z, Sailor Moon, or any of the other Anime we use in this story.)
