What Were We Smoking?
Written by Magus II, Awesome Taro, and Kami-san
Chapter Four:
Harry Potter and the Long-Awaited Next Part of the Series
(Note: None of us own Harry Potter. Is anyone unclear on this point? The story, however, is our intellectual property.)
(Intellectual. Yeah, right. This is an exact transcription of an AOL Instant Messaging session long awaited by our fans. Thanks for the reviews!)
(One More Note: Magus II and Kami-san lost a bet with Awesome Taro, so he got to think up the plot for this chapter. BE AFRAID.)
"All right, all right. Let's just sit down and think. If we were Malfoy, what would we do at a time like this?" Hermione adjusted her dress while speaking to avoid the stares that Ron kept giving her.
"Probably laugh our bloody heads off," quipped Ron. He leaned back in his chair and tried weakly to avoid looking down the front of Hermione's blouse.
"No, seriously, Ron. And stop staring at me!" Hermione blushed red and threw a book at Ron's head.
"Guys! That's enough! We have to find someone to defeat Snape in a duel so that he'll tell Malfoy to call off the curse!"
"If only I had watched more television at home..."
"What's a television?" Ron asked, quizzically. Hermione sighed. Ron's eyes did the cleavage-flick as her body jiggled. Hermione noticed this and smacked him.
"Never mind. Anyway, I think the guy we're looking for is short and dark-haired."
"Harry! Harry! Look what me and Dennis did to the 'Potter Stinks' badges! We fixed 'em, Harry!" Colin and Dennis Creevey came rushing into the common room, dressed in orange and blue karate outfits. All three of our heroes stared at them, speechless. Then Harry jumped up and grabbed Colin and started shaking him.
"Colin! That's it! You've got to fight Cell! You're Gohan!" Colin looked at Harry.
"Of course I'm Gohan. Who's this 'Colin' you keep talking about?"
"Never mind. Anyway, you've got to fight Cell!" Ron joined Harry next to Colin.
"But... I'm just Gohan!"
"Just do it, Colin. We believe in you." Hermione stood up, as well. Colin screwed up his face and raised his fist in the air. Dennis followed him out of the room.
Ten minutes later, as the trio was walking down to the Great Hall, they heard explosions coming from outside. They saw Colin come flying in through the doors, breaking the glass.
"He never had a chance, did he?" Hermione looked at him.
"Nope." Harry and Ron chorused.
"Well, what do we do now? And where'd Sirius go? He was here last chapter!"
"Oh, he's off somewhere taking a bath or something."
Just then, Sirius the half-dog demon came rushing in on all fours. He was completely naked, but his white fur covered enough of him that this story could maintain it's below-R rating.
"HOT! HOT! HOT! WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO DO, SCALD ME? GET AWAY! GET AWAY!"
*
Just a little reference to the manga of Inu-Yasha there...
They know that, Awesome.
Just making sure...
*
Sirius skidded to a halt beside Harry and conjured up some decent clothing. Then he looked at the prostrate form of Colin, who was muttering something about Saiyans and Dr. Gero. He unsheathed his massive sword and marched out toward Snape, still hovering in midair.
"Where'd Snuffles get that monstrous sword?" Hermione asked.
"I dunno, but it's brilliant bloody wicked!" Ron said, oblivious to the number of times Rupert Grint had uttered those same words, or something like them.
"Quick! Let's confront Malfoy just to fill space!" Yelled Ron.
"To the Hedwig-Mobile!" Harry pumped his fist into the air.
"Um, Harry... We don't have a Hedwig-Mobile."
"What!?! Who's the bum in charge who forgot the Hedwig-Mobile?"
"Harry! You're letting the insanity get to you!" Ron began panicking. An almost palpable aura of Japanese stuff filled the air, like the yellow smoke that rubs its back upon the window panes. "Just concentrate on something British to counteract the Japanese that surrounds us!" Hermione yelled.
She, Ron, and Harry gripped their heads as a wave of Anime-ness washed over them. They fought the urge to eat sushi and miso soup, they fought the desire to make their eyes really big in proportion to their heads, and they fought the urge to control the world. To fight those things, they concentrated on fish and chips, Austin Powers, and Monty Python.
No contest.
As soon as the wave passed, Harry, Ron, and Hermione reveled in their victory for a quick second before rushing to find Malfoy the Vegetable-Head. Before they did, however, they hatched a horribly evil plan that was sure to get them at least a couple of flames...
Malfoy found them quickly enough, flanked by his cronies, who were (you guessed it) laughing and cracking their knuckles.
"Well, well... If it isn't the freaks who I always start talking to by saying 'well, well.' Well, well, well." As Malfoy said this, everyone else stared in confusion for a few seconds before working out what he meant. Then they glared at him. Before they could retort, he spoke again.
"Well, Mudblood? Thought about my... offer?"
"I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth! Unless I really really wanted to." Hermione stared shocked at herself, wondering where that escape clause had come from. "Not like I would!" She amended. Malfoy grinned and floated down to join them. Harry opened his mouth to fire a witty and burning remark at his Slytherin nemesis.
"Malfoy, if you weren't short and greasy-haired, I'd probably say you were... the most attractive man on the face of the planet." What was that?!!? Harry had meant to say something witty and cruel... and had come out as gay!
"Yeah, Malfoy, if you didn't think my family was poor, I'd probably ask you to marry me!" Huh?
Ron felt it, too. The unendurable urge to worship Malfoy as a god. Crabbe and Goyle disappeared from everyone's mind.
"Actually, Draco, now that you mention it, you're not bad looking. And you, Ron, and Harry, too. What say some random combination of us sneaks off to an empty closet somewhere?" Hermione suggested. Malfoy looked totally horrified and disgusted with everything. Hermione suddenly came to a flash of realization.
"Of course! It's the one force we've all been overlooking! The force that forces us to force ourselves onto each other!" Hermione reveled in her newfound knowledge.
"What force is that?" The three guys echoed.
"Quick, tell us before I shove my throbbing tongue down somebody's throat!" Ron cried in desperation. Malfoy backed away, but Harry moved in closer and put his arm over Ron's shoulder.
"It's the fans! All the otaku (A/N: fangirls) and writers who write stories about us that force us into incredibly weird combinations and situations! Malfoy, so many people out there beyond the fourth wall like you that we are feeling the effects! Harry, Ron, because so many slash fics have been written about you three, you are overcome with the desire to do something naughty!" Hermione giggled. "Then again, I don't exactly want to be a virgin for all of the rest of this fic..." Hermione fazed out for a second with a dreamy look on her eyes, then came to and slapped herself. "Malfoy, if this isn't a good enough reason to reverse that spell, I don't know what is. If the effects of that spell aren't reversed, then we'll have to live out the plot line of every single fanfiction about us in existence! Including all of the slashes!" Hermione goggled at the thought. Harry slipped his arm around Ron's waist, and Ron gave Harry's hand an affectionate squeeze.
"How do I know that this isn't just some trick, Mudblood?" Malfoy demanded, seizing the front of her shirt and pulling her toward him. She squirmed a bit, and Malfoy found his eyes inadvertently looking down to the breasts that he was only narrowly avoiding with his hand. Suddenly, Hermione stopped squirming and threw her head back in exaggerated ecstasy. Malfoy quickly dropped his hand and whirled to find Harry and Ron squeezing each other's butts. He looked behind him for backup, but the authors had totally forgotten about Crabbe and Goyle. He looked back to see Hermione stalking him, catlike and lithe.
This was it. The moment Draco Malfoy had hoped would never come. He was forced to decide between preserving his dignity or preserving his virginity. Most days, he would have chosen the latter, but there was something about the hungry, tortured look in Hermione's eyes that he didn't like. Plus the fact that Harry was rubbing his hands all over Ron's muscular chest, feeling every minute fluctuation of skin and tendon. Malfoy was torn by the desire to see them humiliated and the fear that after they had finished each other, they would come after him.
Still, he wasn't convinced. Suddenly, before he had any further time to think, he saw Weasley and Potter come toward him, the same hungry lust in their eyes as Hermione had. That tore it. He had no desire to cavort about with mudbloods or Weasleys and especially not other guys! He whipped out his wand and shouted the words to the counterspell.
"Shounenai Yoai Bishounen Begone!"
A flash of fire, a whirl of smoke, and everyone and everything affected by the spell was returned to its normal form. Hermione, Ron, and Harry could feel themselves being whirled to that same ring of fire that Malfoy had trapped them in in the first chapter.
* * *
"So, Mr. Malfoy, I heard that someone was trying out the new spell I told you about over the weekend. By the way, Hermione, happy birthday."
"Thank you, Professor Lupin."
"Now, Draco, although I don't seem to remember it, I would assume that the spell worked?"
"Yes, Professor Lupin."
"Now, Draco, what possessed you to actually use the counterspell?"
"I couldn't bear the thought of Potter and Weasley being gay."
"Why is that?"
"Because obviously they'd come after my sexy body! I like having my rear be an 'Exit Only!'"
"Well, Mr. Malfoy, I think that that image in all of our heads shall be punishment enough. That, and twenty points from Slytherin. And a detention. Anything I'm forgetting, class?"
"No, Professor Lupin."
"And stop that zombie-like response! It unnerves me. Anyway, goodbye. As if there hasn't been enough slash parody in this fic, I'm going to go see Sirius on personal business."
"Gross, Professor Lupin, sir." And everyone packed their bags and headed back to the common room.
When they got there, Harry and Ron lifted Hermione onto their shoulders.
"Thanks for coming up with such a brilliant plan to get Malfoy to reverse that spell!" Ron said, his eyes gleaming with gratitude.
"Yeah, thanks, Hermione." Harry nodded his assent.
"I'm just glad we were able to keep up the 'highly sexual and open to anything' approach for long enough to fool Malfoy. You guys put on a great show!"
"Sure, Herm. But if you ever ask us to do that again, we'll kill you." Ron set her down on her favorite chair.
"Right. No more gayness. Ever. Got it?" Harry looked at Hermione straight in the eyes. She gave them a pleading glance, and then sighed.
"But you two were such a cute couple... I almost didn't have to fake that look I was giving Malfoy."
"Gross!"
"Disgusting!"
"Okay, okay. No more gayness. Sheesh, you'd think I knew the author or something." Hermione winked outward, toward the authors. They winked back. Suddenly, the fourth wall shattered. The fragile wall that held reality and fanfic apart was destroyed, and the result mish-mash of realities and counter-realities created a massive disturbance in the space-time continuum, sending everyone... Back in Time.
Doo-doo-doo-doo...
Harry: I suddenly feel... the urge... to talk like Captain... Kirk...
Ron: This is highly illogical.
Hermione: What's with this? Did we just randomly switch to screenplay mode? And why am I cast as the token woman/minority? This chair at the comm station is really uncomfortable.
Harry: Quiet, woman! We'll have to... ponder this for a... while.
Ron: Captain, may I suggest that we use the antimatter production units to create a disturbance in the Force?
Hermione: What, is it Star Wars now?
Harry: Quick! To the X-Wings!
Ron: Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!
Harry: Yee-hah!
Hermione: Must... fight... pop culture references...
*
Okay, what's going on? I can't understand what's happening! We're supposed to be in the middle of the denoument here, not adding more peripatea!
Yeah, shut up, Magus II. I decided that I wasn't done with the story.
What's up with the Star Wars lines?
Cut it out, Awesome. Seriously.
Well, maybe we should just end the fic and be done with it!
Good idea!
Fine.
'Course it's a good idea!
*
Hermione reached into her robes and pulled out her wand. She muttered a few spells and did the swish-and-flick that is so important. She, Harry, and Ron were zapped back to the real world. They Obliviated everyone so that they forgot everything to do with the anime weirdness. Then Hermione used a memory charm on Harry and Ron, so that they would not have nightmares about what had happened.
The end. Yeah, that's it. Goodbye. See if we ever write with this freak again. Shut up! It was my good idea to end the story, do I get points for that? Shut up, Kami-san. Yeah, shut up! You shut up! No, you! No, both of you!
(The next 15 pages of similar arguments has been deleted, simply because it's way boring. No, really, it's just "No, you!" for about fifteen pages.)
Anyway, thanks for reading our story. Sorry the last chapter took so long.
Yeah, and Awesome is sorry for any of you who were offended or disturbed by Ron and Harry acting like they were together.
Very sorry. No, really, it was just satire. You know, making fun of all of those slash fics out there.
Problem is, Awesome, you're the only one who has read a slash fic.
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Anyway,
The End. Goodbye!
(Review or Die!)
(Die many painful deaths!)
(All of which will involve spatulas and rock salt!)
(Awesome...)
(Awesome...)
(Okay, just spatulas.)
