AAAAUHF! Gerrof muh, Heidi! .....No, it's /my/ turn for the computer now! ......Essay, shmessay. I saw you finish it already! You were playing with the Harry Potter screensaver, and now it's MY TURN! ......Alright, agreed. You get to play on the piano for the rest of the night without me annoying you, but /I/ get the computer without YOU annoying ME. .....Okay. Now leave. /Please./
Okieee, sorry you had to see that, but now I'm ready to start the next chapter. I've been trying to get the computer all day. I did get good news about the status of my normal, personal computer though; they're gonna wipe the whole hard drive (but that's okay, I've already saved all the important stuff), put in new-and-improved programs, and give me MORE MEMORY!!! YIPPEEE! I've had to live with only 4 gigs of memory, which is /nothing./ I couldn't even download more than a few songs at a time. So, I'll be happy computer-wise when my computer's fixed. Until then, I have to share the family computer. Bleah. Anywayz, here's the next chapter! Enjoy! *listens to someone offscreen* Heidi?! I thought I told you to leave me- .....what /about/ the disclaimer? I'm /writing/ the disclaimer right n– oops. Um, Idon'townanyInvaderZimstuffitallbelongstothemightyJohenVasquezhuzzah. Okay? Okay. Now leave me alone, Heidi.
-- ~ --
Fifteen minutes later, Zim was sure that the chihuahua must have just been some sort of aftereffect of being dunked in that glop that Gir had made. There had been all sorts of human filth in it, and by now it was a proven fact that the garbage that humans considered food did reacted badly with the superior physiology of the mighty Irkens. One had only to remember Pustulio or the flesh-burning bologna for proof of /that/. With these comforting thoughts in mind, Zim settled down for a good nights sleep.
Forty-four minutes later, a voice from the ceiling whispered, "You know, we really should have a bell ringing for every hour. I mean, there's /always/ been a grandfather clock, or a cuckoo clock, or even a WATCH, or something."
The mysterious floating chihuahua appeared and said, "He doesn't have any bells. Everything here is digital."
"What can you do with digital timepieces? I like bells."
"Um...well, I think I can manage a nice, spooky beep."
"Nuh-uh. Gimme bells. /Big/ bells."
The chihuahua began to sweat nervously.
"No, I think that a beep would fit the whole scheme we've got going here /much/ better."
"I'm paying you, chihuahua-boy. Bells. /Now./"
The chihuahua sighed and disappeared. A few moments later, it appeared, straining under a bell three times as big as it was. The chihuahua set it down in midair, backed up a few paces, then ran at it full speed and rammed the bell with its head. The bell gave a satisfying "GOOOOOooOOOoooOOOoonnnng," making Zim shoot straight up out of bed, and the chihuahua collapsed onto thin air, lying on its back.
"Ooooow," it said.
"Thank you," the voice from the ceiling whispered.
The bell and chihuahua vanished, but as their light dimmed, another light, this one from the upper right corner of the room, began brightening. Zim, still shaking from the sudden bell-toll, didn't notice either the chihuahua or the new light until a sudden fanfare made him whip his head toward the new noise. The new light was dark maroonish in color, and was growing steadily brighter. Suddenly, with a hissing sound, thick clouds of smoke began pouring out from the ceiling. Zim started backing up at this. As the invisible orchestra swelled, bright red lasers began shooting out of the cloud of smoke. Slowly, the cloud lowered, lasers shooting, orchestra playing, to reveal...
"M-m-my Tallests?" Zim whispered.
Indeed, the two regally descending figures looked very much like the Tallests, except for the fact that they were both wearing red or purple tutus and had little wings. As they lowered, they raised their hands and waved at an imaginary crowd. When they touched groud, the sound of the invisible crowd cheering welled up around them, and they both bowed.
Zim was slowly recovering from his shock, and he came forward a little as the two creatures began speaking to the unseen crowd.
"No, really, you're too kind!"
"Oh, you like me! You really like me!"
"Thank you, thank you, you're too much!"
"My secret? Oh, I have no secret, I'm just naturally beautiful!"
Zim stared at the two posing figures continued to address the walls of his bedroom, and then spoke again, this time louder.
"Uh...my Tallests?"
The sound of applause suddenly stopped, and the two looked around in surprise, and noticed Zim. The purple one leaned down closer to Zim.
"What did you say, short green creature?"
Zim, completely baffled now that the two didn't recognize him, again said, "My Tallests?"
The red one laughed, slapped the purple one on his shoulder and said, "Tallests?! Where'd you think he got THAT stupid name, huh Purple?"
Purple yelled and fell to the floor when the red one had slapped him, dispersing some of the smoke and revealing that the two had been standing on a platform with a built-in special effects machine.
He got up, hovering slightly above the ground on his ridiculously tiny wings, dusted himself off angrily, and replied, "I have absolutely no idea, Red." He turned to Zim and said, "We are the ghosts of Christmas past, here to show you all your past Christmases and what a good time you had."
Zim frowned and said, "I lived on Irk in the past. There /was/ no Christmas. And if you're not the Tallests, why do you look just like them? Uh...except for the wings and the...um.."
"Tutus. They're all the rage with prophetic ghosts this year," Red replied.
"And as for looking like the...uh..*snicker*... 'tallests', we didn't know we resembled anybody else," Purple said.
"But what abou-" Zim began.
"Uh-uh. We're already behind schedule." said Purple.
He and Red suddenly flew towards Zim and both grabbed an arm. Before Zim could react, a bright maroon light enveloped them.
"HEEEEERE WEEEE GOOOOO!" Red yelled as they disappeared from the room.
~ --
A few moments later, the three popped into a brightly-lit room. Zim was trying to kick the two, but was getting nowhere fast.
"PUT ME DOWN! I /DEMAND/ THAT YOU PUT ME DOWN!!!"
Red and Purple looked at each other, shrugged, and dropped Zim on the floor. Zim yelled and got up, rubbing his head. He turned on the two.
"You fools! How dare you pick me up like some kind of child?! I demand to know where you have...taken...me."
Zim had noticed his surroundings for the first time. They were in a large room, about the size of the skool cafeteria. Small cages, each holding several small green forms, were arranged in neat rows in the room, with several robots moving through the aisles. The walls were plastered with images showing heroic tall Irken soldiers taking over planets, pulverizing non-Irken aliens, and ruling the universe. Above each cage was a mobile containing such objects as a voot runner, a standard Irken war cannon, or a non-Irken being disemboweled, and in the cages were things like plush SIR figures, or a Baby's-First-Tazer. Zim grew teary-eyed.
"Why, it's...it's...the Young Irken Soldier training room!," he said wonderingly. "But how did we get here?"
A robot whirred past, and Zim took off after it, yelling.
"Hey! Hey, you! Hey! Turn around, you mechanized pile of dooky! HEY!!
Purple floated up behind Zim.
"It can't hear you. We're now in the past. /Your/ past, to be precise, on your first Christmas."
Zim turned and looked at the two hovering figures.
"What?!"
Red floated forward.
"If you don't believe us, look for yourself."
He pointed toward a particular cage. As Zim approached it, he could make out several larger green figures approaching two smaller ones. One of the small creatures cowered, but the other, the shorter of the two, puffed out its chest and said in a disturbingly high and cute voice, "You don't scare me! I'm a brave and mighty Irken Invader! Invaders fear no one!"
The larger figures laughed and pushed the shorter one down.
"You aren't any Invader, Zim!" one jeered, "You'll probably be the mechanic for my Voot Runner when we're grown!"
"No, he won't!" another said, "I'll make him my SIR instead!"
The others laughed and began pummeling Zim's head against the ground. Zim gasped out, "One...day...I'll be...the...best...Invader ever!" This just made the larger Irkens laugh harder. A robot noticed this fight and hurried over to the cage.
"What is the reason for this display of aggression, young Irken?," the robot asked the tallest of the larger group.
"We're just beating up these scrawny worthless pieces of cannon fodder."
The robot beeped to itself for a moment, then it's mechanical eyes glowed brighter.
"Ah! Displaying belittling and bullying tendencies towards those of lower stature to bring oneself the illusion of being superior! Why didn't you say so? Carry on."
The robot sped away as the group continued their assault on the two smaller Irkens.
Older Zim was glaring at this apparition with his fists clenched, growling softly to himself. Behind him, the two ghosts of Christmas Past were staring wide-eyed at the scene before them. After a moment, Purple turned to Red and whispered, "Why did you take us /here/? This is probably the worst place we could have gone!"
Red whispered back, "People's first Christmases are usually full of smiling parents and fluffy toys! How was I supposed to know?!"
Purple quickly whispered back, "Well, find a /good/ place to go, and /quickly/," and then rushed forward and grabbed present-day Zims arm.
"Well! Wasn't that fun? We're on a very tight schedule, so we're gonna go to the next one, which will be /much/ better." Purple shot Red a warning glance.
"The nex-"
~ --
"-t one?" Zim asked. He looked around him, surprised. The scenery had changed again. Now a slightly older Zim with a few more teeth sat at a long table with many other Irken soldiers-in- training. Similar tables stretched across the wide room, and instructions written in Irken were shown on a large screen at one end. On each table were a variety of parts, and every young Irken was attempting to make a laser gun according to the instructions. Most Irkens were only halfway through, and a few had obviously fried themselves accidentally making it, but young Zim had already made the gun, and was now working on adding a selector that could set the ray to "kill", "destroy", "obliterate", and "pulverize."
Purple came up behind modern-day Zim and said, "See? You showed intelligence and quick wit on Christmas! Not all Christmases are bad!"
Red joined in.
"Yeah! And look at the size of that laser!"
"Well, I guess I didn't do /that/ bad," Zim said slowly.
Red nudged Purple.
"See? See? This is /much/ better."
"Mmm...yeah, pretty good. What year is this?"
"Uh...his second Christmas?"
"/Second/?! Are you just going in order?"
"Hey, it's working! Don't knock it."
Meanwhile, Zim was looking on his younger self in pride. Whatever /did/ happen to that first laser he had made? He remembered making it, but he forgot what had hap-
"Hey, shorty!"
Oh. Now he remembered.
Young Zim looked up. A larger Irken sitting a few spaces away from him had gotten up.
"Are you addressing /me/, the future hero of the Irken Empire?," young Zim said in a voice that was slightly deeper but still disturbingly cute.
"Yeah! I /am/ addressing you, pipsqueak! You think you're SO much better than us, don't you?"
Young Zim smiled smugly.
"As a matter of fact, I do."
This approach seemed to take a while to be processed by the larger Irken's two brain cells. Finally, he came to a conclusion.
"Well, you're NOT!"
By now, most of the hall was watching the exchange with interest, and a few cheered the large Irken on. Fueled by the cheering, the larger Irken let out a roar and charged young Zim. Young Zim tried to get his laser into firing position, but the Irkens on either side of him grabbed the laser from his hands. Several more tried to hold Zim down, but he was very quick, and managed to get a good number of blows in before he was held down by the sheer weight of all the bodies on him. While this was happening, one of the Irkens that had grabbed his laser got an idea.
"Let's smash it!"
This thought was met with widespread appeal, and immediately dozens of young Irkens were pummeling the laser, even going so far as to hit it with their own lasers or with chairs. Suddenly, the laser began smoking and shaking, and the crowd around it backed up. As the shaking grew worse, everyone began to scream and run away. Young Zim had just managed to pull himself onto the table, with bruises all over and one antenna bent, when it exploded.
Several minutes later, a large group of adult Irkens and riot robots stormed into the room. All the young Irkens were in their spots, working hard...except for one. At one table in the corner was a large smoking crater, and a small, charred Irken twitching and drooling on the ground next to it. The leader of the group marched over to him and looked down. Young Zim's eyes wavered open just a crack. The leader bent down low to peer into Zim's face. The last thing he saw before blacking out was the leader, glaring at Zim and saying in an ominous voice, "Young soldier, I'd like to have a word with you..."
Red and Purple stared wide-eyed at the entire spectacle. Modern-day Zim was staring towards the retreating figures, with one eye twitching. Suddenly, Purple turned on Red.
" 'MUCH BETTER?!' 'IT'S WORKING, DON'T KNOCK IT?!!' ARE YOU /INSANE/?!!!"
"Uh...er..."
"Okay, bring us to a new one, and this time, make SURE that it's good!"
Purple stalked over to Zim and grabbed him, and they again disappeared.
~ --
Instead of appearing in a new scene, the three seemed to be in an all-white space, with no up or down. Zim, again surprised by the sudden change, whirled on the two ghosts.
"WHERE have you brought me NOW, evil human worm holiday-ghosts?"
Purple turned to Red, put his hands on his hips, and said, "I would like to know the answer to that question myself. You know we're not supposed to bring clients /here./"
"Just wait," said Red. "I'm trying to find a good date..."
He was looking at a screen that had spontaneously appeared from nowhere. It was showing images from Zim's past Christmases. The three drew closer to the screen as different scenes played out.
"Oh, how about that one - oh. Ouch. Maybe not," Red said, going to the next scene. And the next. And the next.
"Wait, what abou- oooo. That HAD to hurt."
"Here, I think that /this/....um...no. Definitely not."
"Maybe this- YIPE! CHANGETHECHANNEL!!! CHANGETHECHANNEL!!!"
"Can Irkens even DO that? I mean, legs don't usually /bend/ that way..."
"AAAAA! Red! You're doing it wrong! Here, give me the remote!"
Purple grabbed a fairy-type wand covered in glitter and ribbons and topped with a star from Red and shook it at the screen.
"Hey, this one looks nice...see, he's giving that female a present....HEY! WHY IS IT PULLING OUT HER EYEBALLS?!!"
"Um, science experiment?"
"Ugh. Change the channel."
"Here's A....OH! Ow. Not good. I feel for you, Zim."
"OH SWEET MOTHER OF CHEESE DOODLES! HE IS TERRIBLY MISUSING THAT SPORK!"
They flipped through Christmas after Christmas, every one showing some new terror or pain. The final two showed Zim destroying his home planet and Zim getting hot oil poured on his head on FoodCourtia. After all the Christmases, they decided to go through all of the Hanukkahs. After that, all the Kwanzas, then the New Years, the winter solstices, the birthdays, etc. By the end, Red was sobbing into Purple's arms, and Purple was rocking back and forth, staring into space and gibbering. Zim was staring into space, looking bored. After the last scene had played, the ghosts revived themselves and faced Zim. After a few moments, Red came forward.
"Uh...well, after much deliberation, we decided that your life stunk."
Purple smacked him and stepped forward.
"Um...what we /mean/ is that you have lots of room left for improvement. LOTS of room."
Zim stared at them, with a you-are-wasting-my-time expression on his face.
"So! Now you can work to be the best, most optimistic, jolliest alien on the planet, am I right?!"
Stare.
"Please? We /really/ need a raise."
Stare.
Red sighed and said, "Ah, let's just bring him back. We're almost out of time, anyway."
Purple sighed, too, and they both grabbed Zim.
~ --
Zim was suddenly back in his bed, back in his room. Faintly, he could hear fading voices...
"Well, I hope the ghost of Christmas present does a better job."
"Yeah, or the ghost of Christmas future. That gets them every time..."
Zim sighed and settled back in his cushions to try to get as much sleep as he could. He had a feeling that he wouldn't be able to get much, tonight.
-- ~ --
WHEW! I must be insane. I wrote this whole chapter all at once, the day after the first chapter. Yeek. Well, now I'm pooped. I'm gonna go post this and look at all the other fics on fanfiction.net. My family all went to a basketball game, but decided not to take me after they peeked into the darkened computer room and saw me typing at an insane rate, with my bloodshot eyes wide and an insane grin on my face, and a pile of chocolate chips, chocolate chip cookies, a small brick of chocolate, and chocolate milk in front of me. My family knows all-too- well about my chocolate addiction, and what tends to happen when I overdose. Of course, I feel perfectly normal right gorgeous tie, bob, I'll take three individually wrapped slices to go with my badger, thanks for the burro con queso. Yes, I do snake my weasel up tapdancing astrobiophysicists! Smouldering weedwackers, Batman! I believe that my whack-a-mole just ate the presidential petunia of DOOM!
Okieee, sorry you had to see that, but now I'm ready to start the next chapter. I've been trying to get the computer all day. I did get good news about the status of my normal, personal computer though; they're gonna wipe the whole hard drive (but that's okay, I've already saved all the important stuff), put in new-and-improved programs, and give me MORE MEMORY!!! YIPPEEE! I've had to live with only 4 gigs of memory, which is /nothing./ I couldn't even download more than a few songs at a time. So, I'll be happy computer-wise when my computer's fixed. Until then, I have to share the family computer. Bleah. Anywayz, here's the next chapter! Enjoy! *listens to someone offscreen* Heidi?! I thought I told you to leave me- .....what /about/ the disclaimer? I'm /writing/ the disclaimer right n– oops. Um, Idon'townanyInvaderZimstuffitallbelongstothemightyJohenVasquezhuzzah. Okay? Okay. Now leave me alone, Heidi.
-- ~ --
Fifteen minutes later, Zim was sure that the chihuahua must have just been some sort of aftereffect of being dunked in that glop that Gir had made. There had been all sorts of human filth in it, and by now it was a proven fact that the garbage that humans considered food did reacted badly with the superior physiology of the mighty Irkens. One had only to remember Pustulio or the flesh-burning bologna for proof of /that/. With these comforting thoughts in mind, Zim settled down for a good nights sleep.
Forty-four minutes later, a voice from the ceiling whispered, "You know, we really should have a bell ringing for every hour. I mean, there's /always/ been a grandfather clock, or a cuckoo clock, or even a WATCH, or something."
The mysterious floating chihuahua appeared and said, "He doesn't have any bells. Everything here is digital."
"What can you do with digital timepieces? I like bells."
"Um...well, I think I can manage a nice, spooky beep."
"Nuh-uh. Gimme bells. /Big/ bells."
The chihuahua began to sweat nervously.
"No, I think that a beep would fit the whole scheme we've got going here /much/ better."
"I'm paying you, chihuahua-boy. Bells. /Now./"
The chihuahua sighed and disappeared. A few moments later, it appeared, straining under a bell three times as big as it was. The chihuahua set it down in midair, backed up a few paces, then ran at it full speed and rammed the bell with its head. The bell gave a satisfying "GOOOOOooOOOoooOOOoonnnng," making Zim shoot straight up out of bed, and the chihuahua collapsed onto thin air, lying on its back.
"Ooooow," it said.
"Thank you," the voice from the ceiling whispered.
The bell and chihuahua vanished, but as their light dimmed, another light, this one from the upper right corner of the room, began brightening. Zim, still shaking from the sudden bell-toll, didn't notice either the chihuahua or the new light until a sudden fanfare made him whip his head toward the new noise. The new light was dark maroonish in color, and was growing steadily brighter. Suddenly, with a hissing sound, thick clouds of smoke began pouring out from the ceiling. Zim started backing up at this. As the invisible orchestra swelled, bright red lasers began shooting out of the cloud of smoke. Slowly, the cloud lowered, lasers shooting, orchestra playing, to reveal...
"M-m-my Tallests?" Zim whispered.
Indeed, the two regally descending figures looked very much like the Tallests, except for the fact that they were both wearing red or purple tutus and had little wings. As they lowered, they raised their hands and waved at an imaginary crowd. When they touched groud, the sound of the invisible crowd cheering welled up around them, and they both bowed.
Zim was slowly recovering from his shock, and he came forward a little as the two creatures began speaking to the unseen crowd.
"No, really, you're too kind!"
"Oh, you like me! You really like me!"
"Thank you, thank you, you're too much!"
"My secret? Oh, I have no secret, I'm just naturally beautiful!"
Zim stared at the two posing figures continued to address the walls of his bedroom, and then spoke again, this time louder.
"Uh...my Tallests?"
The sound of applause suddenly stopped, and the two looked around in surprise, and noticed Zim. The purple one leaned down closer to Zim.
"What did you say, short green creature?"
Zim, completely baffled now that the two didn't recognize him, again said, "My Tallests?"
The red one laughed, slapped the purple one on his shoulder and said, "Tallests?! Where'd you think he got THAT stupid name, huh Purple?"
Purple yelled and fell to the floor when the red one had slapped him, dispersing some of the smoke and revealing that the two had been standing on a platform with a built-in special effects machine.
He got up, hovering slightly above the ground on his ridiculously tiny wings, dusted himself off angrily, and replied, "I have absolutely no idea, Red." He turned to Zim and said, "We are the ghosts of Christmas past, here to show you all your past Christmases and what a good time you had."
Zim frowned and said, "I lived on Irk in the past. There /was/ no Christmas. And if you're not the Tallests, why do you look just like them? Uh...except for the wings and the...um.."
"Tutus. They're all the rage with prophetic ghosts this year," Red replied.
"And as for looking like the...uh..*snicker*... 'tallests', we didn't know we resembled anybody else," Purple said.
"But what abou-" Zim began.
"Uh-uh. We're already behind schedule." said Purple.
He and Red suddenly flew towards Zim and both grabbed an arm. Before Zim could react, a bright maroon light enveloped them.
"HEEEEERE WEEEE GOOOOO!" Red yelled as they disappeared from the room.
~ --
A few moments later, the three popped into a brightly-lit room. Zim was trying to kick the two, but was getting nowhere fast.
"PUT ME DOWN! I /DEMAND/ THAT YOU PUT ME DOWN!!!"
Red and Purple looked at each other, shrugged, and dropped Zim on the floor. Zim yelled and got up, rubbing his head. He turned on the two.
"You fools! How dare you pick me up like some kind of child?! I demand to know where you have...taken...me."
Zim had noticed his surroundings for the first time. They were in a large room, about the size of the skool cafeteria. Small cages, each holding several small green forms, were arranged in neat rows in the room, with several robots moving through the aisles. The walls were plastered with images showing heroic tall Irken soldiers taking over planets, pulverizing non-Irken aliens, and ruling the universe. Above each cage was a mobile containing such objects as a voot runner, a standard Irken war cannon, or a non-Irken being disemboweled, and in the cages were things like plush SIR figures, or a Baby's-First-Tazer. Zim grew teary-eyed.
"Why, it's...it's...the Young Irken Soldier training room!," he said wonderingly. "But how did we get here?"
A robot whirred past, and Zim took off after it, yelling.
"Hey! Hey, you! Hey! Turn around, you mechanized pile of dooky! HEY!!
Purple floated up behind Zim.
"It can't hear you. We're now in the past. /Your/ past, to be precise, on your first Christmas."
Zim turned and looked at the two hovering figures.
"What?!"
Red floated forward.
"If you don't believe us, look for yourself."
He pointed toward a particular cage. As Zim approached it, he could make out several larger green figures approaching two smaller ones. One of the small creatures cowered, but the other, the shorter of the two, puffed out its chest and said in a disturbingly high and cute voice, "You don't scare me! I'm a brave and mighty Irken Invader! Invaders fear no one!"
The larger figures laughed and pushed the shorter one down.
"You aren't any Invader, Zim!" one jeered, "You'll probably be the mechanic for my Voot Runner when we're grown!"
"No, he won't!" another said, "I'll make him my SIR instead!"
The others laughed and began pummeling Zim's head against the ground. Zim gasped out, "One...day...I'll be...the...best...Invader ever!" This just made the larger Irkens laugh harder. A robot noticed this fight and hurried over to the cage.
"What is the reason for this display of aggression, young Irken?," the robot asked the tallest of the larger group.
"We're just beating up these scrawny worthless pieces of cannon fodder."
The robot beeped to itself for a moment, then it's mechanical eyes glowed brighter.
"Ah! Displaying belittling and bullying tendencies towards those of lower stature to bring oneself the illusion of being superior! Why didn't you say so? Carry on."
The robot sped away as the group continued their assault on the two smaller Irkens.
Older Zim was glaring at this apparition with his fists clenched, growling softly to himself. Behind him, the two ghosts of Christmas Past were staring wide-eyed at the scene before them. After a moment, Purple turned to Red and whispered, "Why did you take us /here/? This is probably the worst place we could have gone!"
Red whispered back, "People's first Christmases are usually full of smiling parents and fluffy toys! How was I supposed to know?!"
Purple quickly whispered back, "Well, find a /good/ place to go, and /quickly/," and then rushed forward and grabbed present-day Zims arm.
"Well! Wasn't that fun? We're on a very tight schedule, so we're gonna go to the next one, which will be /much/ better." Purple shot Red a warning glance.
"The nex-"
~ --
"-t one?" Zim asked. He looked around him, surprised. The scenery had changed again. Now a slightly older Zim with a few more teeth sat at a long table with many other Irken soldiers-in- training. Similar tables stretched across the wide room, and instructions written in Irken were shown on a large screen at one end. On each table were a variety of parts, and every young Irken was attempting to make a laser gun according to the instructions. Most Irkens were only halfway through, and a few had obviously fried themselves accidentally making it, but young Zim had already made the gun, and was now working on adding a selector that could set the ray to "kill", "destroy", "obliterate", and "pulverize."
Purple came up behind modern-day Zim and said, "See? You showed intelligence and quick wit on Christmas! Not all Christmases are bad!"
Red joined in.
"Yeah! And look at the size of that laser!"
"Well, I guess I didn't do /that/ bad," Zim said slowly.
Red nudged Purple.
"See? See? This is /much/ better."
"Mmm...yeah, pretty good. What year is this?"
"Uh...his second Christmas?"
"/Second/?! Are you just going in order?"
"Hey, it's working! Don't knock it."
Meanwhile, Zim was looking on his younger self in pride. Whatever /did/ happen to that first laser he had made? He remembered making it, but he forgot what had hap-
"Hey, shorty!"
Oh. Now he remembered.
Young Zim looked up. A larger Irken sitting a few spaces away from him had gotten up.
"Are you addressing /me/, the future hero of the Irken Empire?," young Zim said in a voice that was slightly deeper but still disturbingly cute.
"Yeah! I /am/ addressing you, pipsqueak! You think you're SO much better than us, don't you?"
Young Zim smiled smugly.
"As a matter of fact, I do."
This approach seemed to take a while to be processed by the larger Irken's two brain cells. Finally, he came to a conclusion.
"Well, you're NOT!"
By now, most of the hall was watching the exchange with interest, and a few cheered the large Irken on. Fueled by the cheering, the larger Irken let out a roar and charged young Zim. Young Zim tried to get his laser into firing position, but the Irkens on either side of him grabbed the laser from his hands. Several more tried to hold Zim down, but he was very quick, and managed to get a good number of blows in before he was held down by the sheer weight of all the bodies on him. While this was happening, one of the Irkens that had grabbed his laser got an idea.
"Let's smash it!"
This thought was met with widespread appeal, and immediately dozens of young Irkens were pummeling the laser, even going so far as to hit it with their own lasers or with chairs. Suddenly, the laser began smoking and shaking, and the crowd around it backed up. As the shaking grew worse, everyone began to scream and run away. Young Zim had just managed to pull himself onto the table, with bruises all over and one antenna bent, when it exploded.
Several minutes later, a large group of adult Irkens and riot robots stormed into the room. All the young Irkens were in their spots, working hard...except for one. At one table in the corner was a large smoking crater, and a small, charred Irken twitching and drooling on the ground next to it. The leader of the group marched over to him and looked down. Young Zim's eyes wavered open just a crack. The leader bent down low to peer into Zim's face. The last thing he saw before blacking out was the leader, glaring at Zim and saying in an ominous voice, "Young soldier, I'd like to have a word with you..."
Red and Purple stared wide-eyed at the entire spectacle. Modern-day Zim was staring towards the retreating figures, with one eye twitching. Suddenly, Purple turned on Red.
" 'MUCH BETTER?!' 'IT'S WORKING, DON'T KNOCK IT?!!' ARE YOU /INSANE/?!!!"
"Uh...er..."
"Okay, bring us to a new one, and this time, make SURE that it's good!"
Purple stalked over to Zim and grabbed him, and they again disappeared.
~ --
Instead of appearing in a new scene, the three seemed to be in an all-white space, with no up or down. Zim, again surprised by the sudden change, whirled on the two ghosts.
"WHERE have you brought me NOW, evil human worm holiday-ghosts?"
Purple turned to Red, put his hands on his hips, and said, "I would like to know the answer to that question myself. You know we're not supposed to bring clients /here./"
"Just wait," said Red. "I'm trying to find a good date..."
He was looking at a screen that had spontaneously appeared from nowhere. It was showing images from Zim's past Christmases. The three drew closer to the screen as different scenes played out.
"Oh, how about that one - oh. Ouch. Maybe not," Red said, going to the next scene. And the next. And the next.
"Wait, what abou- oooo. That HAD to hurt."
"Here, I think that /this/....um...no. Definitely not."
"Maybe this- YIPE! CHANGETHECHANNEL!!! CHANGETHECHANNEL!!!"
"Can Irkens even DO that? I mean, legs don't usually /bend/ that way..."
"AAAAA! Red! You're doing it wrong! Here, give me the remote!"
Purple grabbed a fairy-type wand covered in glitter and ribbons and topped with a star from Red and shook it at the screen.
"Hey, this one looks nice...see, he's giving that female a present....HEY! WHY IS IT PULLING OUT HER EYEBALLS?!!"
"Um, science experiment?"
"Ugh. Change the channel."
"Here's A....OH! Ow. Not good. I feel for you, Zim."
"OH SWEET MOTHER OF CHEESE DOODLES! HE IS TERRIBLY MISUSING THAT SPORK!"
They flipped through Christmas after Christmas, every one showing some new terror or pain. The final two showed Zim destroying his home planet and Zim getting hot oil poured on his head on FoodCourtia. After all the Christmases, they decided to go through all of the Hanukkahs. After that, all the Kwanzas, then the New Years, the winter solstices, the birthdays, etc. By the end, Red was sobbing into Purple's arms, and Purple was rocking back and forth, staring into space and gibbering. Zim was staring into space, looking bored. After the last scene had played, the ghosts revived themselves and faced Zim. After a few moments, Red came forward.
"Uh...well, after much deliberation, we decided that your life stunk."
Purple smacked him and stepped forward.
"Um...what we /mean/ is that you have lots of room left for improvement. LOTS of room."
Zim stared at them, with a you-are-wasting-my-time expression on his face.
"So! Now you can work to be the best, most optimistic, jolliest alien on the planet, am I right?!"
Stare.
"Please? We /really/ need a raise."
Stare.
Red sighed and said, "Ah, let's just bring him back. We're almost out of time, anyway."
Purple sighed, too, and they both grabbed Zim.
~ --
Zim was suddenly back in his bed, back in his room. Faintly, he could hear fading voices...
"Well, I hope the ghost of Christmas present does a better job."
"Yeah, or the ghost of Christmas future. That gets them every time..."
Zim sighed and settled back in his cushions to try to get as much sleep as he could. He had a feeling that he wouldn't be able to get much, tonight.
-- ~ --
WHEW! I must be insane. I wrote this whole chapter all at once, the day after the first chapter. Yeek. Well, now I'm pooped. I'm gonna go post this and look at all the other fics on fanfiction.net. My family all went to a basketball game, but decided not to take me after they peeked into the darkened computer room and saw me typing at an insane rate, with my bloodshot eyes wide and an insane grin on my face, and a pile of chocolate chips, chocolate chip cookies, a small brick of chocolate, and chocolate milk in front of me. My family knows all-too- well about my chocolate addiction, and what tends to happen when I overdose. Of course, I feel perfectly normal right gorgeous tie, bob, I'll take three individually wrapped slices to go with my badger, thanks for the burro con queso. Yes, I do snake my weasel up tapdancing astrobiophysicists! Smouldering weedwackers, Batman! I believe that my whack-a-mole just ate the presidential petunia of DOOM!
