Chapter 17

Tax evasion

The city was in turmoil. Mostly, dark elves and demons teamed up against the few pockets of resistance and the new army, though at parts there were huge man-shaped golems of stone or metal, some more than seven metres tall, which smashed at people with their large fists and bellowed hollowly. Wisely, the party left the other soldiers to take care of those things, and concentrated on trying to figure out the stupid puzzles.

John had been mostly right in that the guardians were generally dead, save one rather impressive elven priestess who told them what they had to do. Though that fit with the game logic as well – said priestess, who was apparently of some high rank, was simply the first clue they had to have to pick up all the remaining things.

Now they had two of the three items that they needed to trigger a sequence in a last, domed tower at the far right of the palace. The problem was, the last item, some sort of stone harp (who the hell would make a harp of stone?) was in the possession of a black dragon. The entrance to the clearing where the dragon was – conveniently at the far left of the city, such that they'd have to bypass most of the major landings were battle was being waged.

It was also apparently a black dragon, and Arundel was engaged in explaining to them what black dragons could do. So far, John realized, they could do a lot, and they didn't have siege engines this time.

When in doubt, find someone who's in charge of a lot of soldiers. The party went looking for Zaknafein.

They found him on foot and dancing around a large adamantite golem which ineffectually attempted to hit the much-faster dark elf. Occasionally, Zaknafein would use one of his long swords, which glowed with a red edge and which sheared through the metal like a knife through melting butter. Eventually, the elf hacked away a foot, such that the golem fell with a crash, and Zaknafein slipped forward and cut off the head. The light in the golem's eyes died.

"Where's Diablo?" K'yanae asked curiously.

Zaknafein pointed at a messy skirmish on the next platform. A black horse reared, screaming, then plunged down and kicked out with powerful hooves. A dark elf, skull shattered, was thrown by the impact over the railing to plunge down to the forest floor below. "What are you here for?"

They explained the situation to him. Zaknafein snorted. "A black dragon, you say? I killed one before. If your mage there has a resist fear spell… Though perhaps we could speak to this one."

"The Talons…" K'yanae began.

"It'd take too long to call them to disengage, and they're needed elsewhere," Zaknafein gestured at the landings. "I suppose I'd come with you." He winked at his daughter. "After all… I represent Asur."

John remembered that he was supposed to ask Zaknafein about something, and though he tried to recall this as they cleared a way to the last landing where there was an entrance to the dragon's clearing, he could not remember it.

"Where's Jarlaxle?" Arundel asked curiously, as he shot an approaching dark elf in the throat.

"Jarlaxle?" Zaknafein ducked a sword swing gracefully, blocked another, and kicked his opponent in the stomach. As the dark elf staggered, Zaknafein thrust with the red-edged sword between the elf's eyes, and it slid in with terrifying ease. With a twist, Zaknafein freed his sword to block another attack from an elf, this time a swipe from a lance. "The rogue's around somewhere. If he knows what's good for him, he'd better be helping… but I think that's too much to expect from him."

Throwing daggers whirled out from behind them and embedded themselves in the necks of some of the dark elves, then disappeared.

"Speak of the devil, and there he comes," Zaknafein said pleasantly, turning to regard Jarlaxle, who trotted up to their landing. The mercenary chuckled, continuing to throw daggers with deadly accuracy.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

Zaknafein indicated the wide stairway with a sword, then dodged a longsword slash, sweeping the red-edged sword in a tight arc which gashed open the strange, ornate drow armor of his opponent. His opponent snarled something at him, stepping forward, but an arrow hit him in the arm. He made the mistake of turning, and Zaknafein smoothly ran him through with just enough metal to kill, then kicked him off the blade.

"Black dragon," Arundel explained to Jarlaxle.

"Which I believe attacking just by ourselves is foolhardy," Saemon added as he drove a dark elf in a circle until the elf's back faced Peregrine and her bow. As the elf collapsed, with an arrow in his neck, Saemon stabbed him in the eye. "These soldiers aren't particularly impressive."

Jarlaxle and Zaknafein exchanged glances, then Jarlaxle smirked. "Do you think any self-respecting drow city would lend out their best soldiers to surfacers?"

"Good point," Saemon admitted.

"You want to fight a black dragon?" Jarlaxle asked as Entreri killed the last drow soldier on the landing.

"There doesn't seem to be anything else to do," Zaknafein replied with a smirk. This seemed to be some sort of private joke, because both elves chuckled. K'yanae rolled her eyes. "Why don't you come along? Maybe this time you'd die."

Jarlaxle glanced at the stairs, then shrugged. "Why not?"

**

The end of the stairs was a grassy plateau with an ornate, broken altar that looked as though it had been used by the elves to sacrifice fruit. John didn't particularly understand why some religions sacrificed fruit. Blood-sacrifices he understood, since it released a hell of a lot of power if you did it properly, but fruit?

At one end of the plateau, furthest from them, was a dragon that, though smaller than Firkaag, was still large enough to cause some concern. Its black scales seemed to swallow up the light, and the weary glance it shot them indicated what it thought of their ability to hurt it.

"More of you?" the black dragon complained, still curled up, its large, oddly graceful head resting on jet-dark claws. "I ought to set up an appointments chart, or I'd never get any decent sleep at this rate."

John noted uneasily that, in a neat pile near the dragon, were several sets of armor and bones.

"Sometimes I regret that I agreed to come onto this plane," the dragon continued on its tirade, "I should have known there was a catch in it somewhere. There's no decent treasure, and there're all of you tiresome little creatures that come and try to poke me with your silly weapons. And, since I can't figure out how to get back… " The dragon paused, and its serpentine neck coiled forward. "Hmmm. Three of you are dark elves. Have the rules changed?"

Zaknafein glanced at the group. "Not really. My…"

"Ah. You are Zaknafein Do'Urden?" the dragon proceeded to show some interest at last. "Asur's Guardian, yes? You killed a black dragon some time ago."

"I am Zaknafein Do'Urden," Zaknafein admitted coolly. "And yes, I did. He was in my way."

"Congratulations," the dragon drawled. "I never liked that one anyway. He was somewhat of a thief, and frightfully stupid." The dragon rose to its feet, towering over them, and as it spread its large, strangely beautiful wings; it cast an impressive shadow. "In the light of circumstances, we could strike a bargain."

"That had occurred to me," Zaknafein nodded. "How would you like some actual treasure to guard? Not these… trinkets." He indicated the pile with his sword."

"Hmmm. And where would you say this treasure is?" the dragon twitched its long tail curiously.

Zaknafein smiled. "In the large vault beneath my Citadel, of course." Behind Zaknafein, some of the group let out soft exclamations of surprise.

"Ah, I have heard of your Black Talons," the dragon tilted its head slightly. "Now, why would you give me that treasure?"

"I didn't say I was going to give it to you," Zaknafein said mildly. "I propose an alliance where you'd be fed and you get to occupy the vault – it's large enough for you. In exchange, you can guard the treasure, and occasionally you can go out with some of the violent Talon expeditions. The treasure would be owned jointly by the Talons and yourself. After all, most of our investments are to increase the hoard."

"And you would strike such a bargain with a black dragon?" the dragon snapped its wings shut. The ensuing breeze swept back Zaknafein's fringe.

Zaknafein smirked. "I am a dark elf. Would you strike a bargain with me?"

The dragon chuckled, then began to laugh in earnest, roars of mirth that echoed off the trees. "I agree, then. But are you sure that you'd be allowed a dragon into the city?"

"The Citadel is not part of Baldur's Gate," Zaknafein said dryly. "And… if you sometimes go and sun yourself in the courtyard, that would no doubt deter stupid attacks from rival mercenary bands."

"It might invite attacks from knights," the dragon countered. "Not to mention that your Black Talons' reputation might suffer."

"It won't," Zaknafein sheathed his swords. "With words in the right places, you'd be surprised how much things can change. Now, as a gesture of your goodwill… these people," he gestured at the party, most of whom still looked stunned at the elf's audacity, "require something that is in your possession. A stone harp, I believe."

"What, this?" the dragon drew out an object from the heap. "Take it. I can't be bothered to keep my promises to the mad elf mage. For some people, you can actually smell their insanity." With a snap of his claw, the object flew through the air, to be caught deftly by Entreri.

"Can you go on by yourself from here?" Zaknafein asked K'yanae.

"Yes," K'yanae said, glancing at the dragon. "Father, are you sure…?"

"It'd surprise the other Grand Dukes, at least," Zaknafein smiled maliciously. "They've begun to think they can second-guess me."

"Well done," Jarlaxle murmured. "And that proves my theory. You are crazy."

"Really." Zaknafein bowed slightly to him. "Jarlaxle. Why not you follow them to wherever they're going while I discuss things with my new friend here?"

"I think I'd stay," Jarlaxle replied irrepressibly, "At the most, it'd give me a chance to see if you've turned senile."

**

"That may be the most original form of tax evasion father has come up with so far," K'yanae remarked as they strolled to their destination. The fighting in the city was finishing, with the tables turned on the opposition – only a few furious battles left on some landings, the rest occupied by the Black Talon-Elf alliance.

"Tax evasion?" John glanced at her. "Employing a dragon?"

"I'd heard that the Grand Dukes insist he pay taxes based on a fixed percentage of his earnings with the rest of them, and of course father objects to this," K'yanae smirked. "If he puts a dragon there to guard the treasure and tell them it's jointly earned, it might put a damper on the tax collectors who show up occasionally to try and extract money from father. He can always say that the dragon doesn't understand taxes – and he can continue paying the pittance he does now."

"Very clever," Arundel said admiringly.

"Sometimes he surprises me," K'yanae admitted gracefully. "Ah, here we are…"

"There's a demon inside," Entreri commented. The delicate staircase that arched up to the single entrance was clawed and part of the railing broken off. It also had the fading smell of sulphur. John cast the protection spell on them again, and then they entered the chamber – a high, airy room which had a tree growing in the centre, with a chest that seemed to be part of it suspended near the floor. That looked like what the priestess had mentioned – put the three items inside a chest that is part of a tree.

The rest of the chamber was surprisingly devoid of furniture, and parts of the polished walls were scorched. A large demon crouched next to the tree, as ugly as most demons John had the dubious privilege to have seen so far – many eyes, big, gnashing mouth, lots of horns, several clawed arms, long scorpion's tail, goat hooves. In a different light, the thing might have even appeared comical, but now, where they were close enough to smell the stink of sulphur from its body, it wasn't.

It roared when it saw them, and predictably charged. Arundel managed to get a bolt into his shoulder, and Saemon sent a smaller bolt into its kneecap while Peregrine shot arrows into its eyes. Two hit their mark, causing the thing to scream and stamp its feet on the ground, shaking the floor.

Entreri had unobtrusively moved to the chest, where he removed the three items from his new collar's dimension and put them in. When he snapped the lid shut, there was an instant quaking that knocked them all off their feet as the chest slid inside the tree and the tree itself seemed to be folding into itself.

With a rumble, it pulled its roots free, and formed them into large feet. Branches fused into arms, and from the crown, two hazel eyes opened, then a nose appeared, and a mouth.

"Jesus Christ," John swore. It rather reminded him of the swamp thing, actually, except for the fact that if you looked hard enough at this one; its edges were blurred, as if it didn't really exist on this dimension.

It – whatever it was – glanced around it with gentle eyes that hardened when it caught sight of the demon. "Defiler!" it roared, its voice shaking the room. "This is consecrated ground!" It fell upon the demon with a fury, pounding it with huge fists. The demon's efforts to defend itself with claws and tail didn't work, and eventually the thing snapped its neck. As the demon fell to the ground, its body dissolved into nothing.

"Now. Why have you called me from my rest?"

It took them a short time to explain the situation to it, after which it got angry again and stormed out of the building, breaking one wall open. As the party watched, it moved with surprising speed to the bits where there were still fighting, and began thumping the opposition with great gusto, cheered on by the alliance.

"What the hell is that?" Saemon blinked.

"Looks like a type of elemental," John shrugged. "But by the sort of power it seems to have, I'd say some minor god or something. It's not my world."

"Who cares," K'yanae summed up the group's general opinion. "Let's go to the palace gates."

**

By the time they strolled to the palace gates, whatever it was had finished destroying the intruders in the city, and was awaiting them, with Eldron, Zaknafein and Jarlaxle.

"I managed to persuade him not to start with the dragon," Zaknafein said in reply to K'yanae's inquiring glance. "T'sal'kirmnayva is leaving soon anyway."

"The one you call Irenicus is taking energy from the Trees of Life," the thing boomed. "Go and stop him with my blessing. I cannot go to the Trees, or I would be drained as well." With that, the thing put a hand on the gates, and they swung open. "Go now, and may the Gods bless you – no, only those six should go. The Trees have spoken."

"Why only them?" Zaknafein demanded, almost petulantly.

"The Trees have spoken," the thing repeated stubbornly. It looked straight at John. "Are you John Constantine?"

"The same," John admitted. "What do you want now?"

It stretched out a long hand, and sunlight seemed to condense in it to form a longsword of honey-gold hue. "This is for you. The one known as Irenicus must die – and this should aid you." It gave it to John. The longsword seemed to weigh nothing in his arms – but it couldn't be pure gold either, since it seemed as hard as normal swords.

"I can't use a sword," John told the thing frankly.

"That is one of the Slayer swords," the thing thundered. John winced. He was likely to go deaf if he continued to stay in close vicinity with this creature. "This one can only be used by one who is not of this plane – and that is you. You have but to call the true name of the one you wish to kill most when you are close to him or her, and the sword will take care of it for you. Beware, it has only one charge."

"Kill most, eh?" John looked at the sword. When he looked back up, his smile was malicious. "Would you happen to know the name of the First of the Fallen?"

The thing stared at him, hazel eyes full of astonishment, then it began to laugh, a pure, joyous sound that trembled through them and shook down loose leaves from the nearby trees. "I give you a tool to kill a mouse, and you propose to kill a dragon with it."

"It'd work, won't it?" John smirked. "And I doubt that 'The First of the Fallen' is his actual name. More that it's a title."

"Yes… it would." The creature's chortles faded, and it looked serious again. "Very well… though you must beware. He who destroys one such as the First must be prepared to take up his mantle, or give it to another."

"His true name is Anarazel. Beware his presence, John Constantine, especially on his home plane in the depths of Hell, for his very visage is enough to shrivel the bravest of men."

**

The party walked into the courtyard, John awkwardly holding the sword, as Zaknafein began to argue with the creature in earnest, with Jarlaxle making little comments supporting both sides at the same time.

"Are you seriously going to go into hell?" K'yanae asked John curiously.

"Not if I can help it," John replied. "It's just that the First of the Fallen occasionally shows up to try and kill me, especially in the world I come from." He shifted the sword to his left hand. "Next time, I'd like to be more prepared… since I pissed him off several years ago and he's not one to forgive."

The courtyard was liberally decorated with mutilated bodies of dead elven soldiers. They ignored them, and entered the open doors into the interior.

The inside of the palace was vaguely surprising. John had been expecting a large hall, or at least several rooms, but it was apparent that there was only one, immense room, which looked like some sort of indoor aviary. Birds of many colors sang, dancing spots of color in verdant trees and greenery. Flowers bloomed at haphazard intervals, releasing their heady scents into the air. Under a delicate bridge, water flowed in a gurgling brook. The place looked so wholesome that John wanted to be sick.

On the widest clearing was a throne that seemed to be naturally formed from the roots of its tree, and in front of the throne was a fountain, the centerpiece a large statue of white rock depicting a unicorn and an elven maiden. To this Arundel walked up to, reached up, and twisted the unicorn's horn.

Immediately there was a groaning sound, and at one of the walls, two wide doors swung open. They had been hidden at first by clinging, thick vines.

"How did you know that?" Saemon asked Arundel.

"I've been here before," Arundel explained, the tone of his voice suggesting that he would not appreciate further questions. "Ellesime should have been in this room – she hardly ever leaves it, except to go through there to visit the Trees, the source of her power and the life of this city."

The door opened up to a vast expanse of interlocking, massive branches thick enough for three of them to walk abreast at one time. It was a huge, confusing maze, since there were branches on top and below them that could be accessed by rope ladders. The group looked as one with Arundel in confusion.

"I think we could try going to the centre of this place," Arundel said, looking down from the branch without a hint of fear. "Some of the branches are especially thick – those are the life-veins. They all lead to the centre eventually… what in the Nine Hells is that?"

There was a huge bug attached to one of the thicker branches. It resembled a monster tick, and its fangs were sunk into the branches. As it drank from it, its abdomen glowed a sickly green.

"That could be why Ellesime wasn't there to defend the city," Arundel said. "Hmmm. We'd better kill them."

"Arundel…" a whispering, feminine voice swept in around them.

"Ellesime?" Arundel asked, startled. "Where are you?"

"Imprisoned at the centre… do not come to me yet… please, I beg you all, destroy the parasite drinkers… there are six of them… that would release me."

"Where is Irenicus?"

"At the centre with me… taunting… hurry! He intends to use the drinkers to channel the power of the trees into himself… with it, he would be unstoppable. You have… an hour at most… " With that final warning, the voice died away.

"Ah, great," John looked at the bug with distaste. "And when you think you've invented all you can use against these things – insecticides and whatnot - they grow bigger and you get caught with your pants down."

The bugs were relatively easy to dispatch, since despite their menacing appearance, their only defense seemed to be summoning a single fire elemental that could be downed by normal weapons. After that, it was just a simple matter of cutting off the thing's head.

After the sixth, messy decapitation, they made their way to the centre – a smooth, circular platform on which there was a large cage. Inside was a beautiful elven woman in a rich dress of gold lamé who let out an exclamation of joy when she saw them, hence taking away their advantage of surprise.

Irenicus whirled with a growl. "Again?" he sighed. "It seems that I can never be rid of you or your party, John Constantine. I should warn you – I have a new ally, and greater powers." As if to illustrate this, he raised his hand, and an immense bolt of lightning shot down at John. Meri got up a shield in time for it to bounce off and ground itself in some branches a few metres away, and the mage battle began in earnest.

Irenicus was right – somehow, he had gotten even more powerful since Spellhold. Rather quickly, he got John on the defensive, even though Entreri and K'yanae freed Ellesime who joined in the mage battle with skill.

: We're going to have to do this another way. : Meri said decisively. : You've got to let me through. :

: What? Won't that knock me out for days? : John bit out a curse as a hail of burning stones appeared and smashed against Meri's shield. Irenicus laughed derisively as Ellesime's summoned magic failed to hurt him, or even break through his shield. Not even the golem seemed to be able to touch him, to Arundel's astonishment.

: It may not… since I'm half of you now. It's your only chance – Ellesime is going to break soon, and I doubt you can hold out on defensive that much longer. :

: Fuck. : John swore as a fireball imploded in front of his shield and, though he wasn't scorched, he felt the intense heat. For some reason, the Tree did not catch fire, though there was a sudden keening sound from all around them, as if in pain, and Ellesime raised her face to the sky and wailed with it. : Okay. :

The surge of power was sudden and intense. He suddenly seemed to be looking out from a bright blue haze, and dimly, John realized his feet were no longer on the ground, though in his left hand he still held the golden sword firmly. He seemed to be in the heart of a giant phoenix of blue flame that shrieked its fury and defiance at Irenicus. Dispassionately, he watched as his right arm scythed sharply away from him, and a large blue wing moved with it, slicing through Irenicus' shield. The mage jumped back with an oath, and the tips of three feathers tore out three deep scratches in his clothes.

Blood splattered on the ground, bright beads of ruby red, and the party, realizing Irenicus' shield was gone, retaliated with bolts and arrows, though the mage got up another shield in time. Another casual slap of a wing tore that shield away, and John was obscurely aware of the fact that Meridian, reveling in her power on this plane, was prolonging it by toying with the mage. That was to be their undoing.

Irenicus shouted suddenly, a hoarse cry of frustration. "Follow me to Hell if you wish, damned one! I will be the stronger there, and there I will destroy you!" He threw up his hands, shouting one a few arcane words, and a black sheet of a portal whirled into existence. From it shot tentacles, soft and bulbous, grotesque to behold, and they drew him into the portal, too quickly for the party to react.

Meri let John down quickly, and he collapsed on the ground, indifferent to even the licks of the panther. The energy seemed to drain out of him, and he wanted nothing more but a good rest…

With a yelp, he realized that one tentacle had wrapped around his right arm, and was dragging him quickly towards the portal. Wildly, he slashed at it with the sword, and it cut through the tentacle, shriveling it into smoke, but more shot forward to take its place.

: Meri! : John called to the phoenix, too weak to even struggle effectively. The rest of the party were having their own problems – tentacles had also slithered forth, pulling them inexorably into the portal.

The texture of the portal itself seemed to be cool water, though it did not wet him – and John found himself unceremoniously dumped onto a large platform of red stone that smelled quite foul, of brimstone, as Hell normally did. He got to his feet, wearily, and realized that he was facing two immense doors that had a large seal on them, an enormous human-like skull whose hideous grin leered down at him from above.

John realised with a growing sense of horror that this platform was but one of many, islands that seemed to be floating out over unimaginable black space.

Behind him were three staircases, and as he wondered what to do next, several curses and snarls marked the arrival of the rest of the group. When all of them had tumbled out – including the golem and the cat – the portal snapped sharp with the sound of wind being sucked through a funnel.

The werewolves were the first to roll to their feet, and they looked around sharply. Irenicus was nowhere to be found.

"Now where are we?" K'yanae asked patiently, though the look on her face suggested that she already knew the answer.

John's cheeks were drained of color as he turned to face them. "Hell. We're in Hell."

--

Little Notes and References:

Fruit sacrifices: I can just imagine. "Lord (insert name), Ruler of All, please accept this sacrifice of apples and grant unto your most devoted follower… "

Sunlight sword: Yeah, I know. Very trite. Actually, I looked through one of the online books about demons in the FR hell, and there were several that could fit the 'First of the Fallen' thing. FR has a weird logic anyway, so I just changed a lot of the things. 'Sammael', also known as Lucifer Morningstar in Vertigo's world, is just one of several Demon Princes (Demon Princes rule one plane of Hell each). Though of course in Hollow Years, since I have to (take a stab at) following the Vertigo timeline, Lucifer has quit being the Devil, and has retired to run a nightclub in L.A. (the city of Angels. He thinks that's funny), and his bit of Hell has been taken over by two angels, Remiel and Duma.

Anyway, here I'm assuming that instead of there just being one Hell, there are several planes to hit, so as to fit (loosely) Hellblazer's world with the rest of Vertigo… since in Hellblazer there is no mention of Lucifer, and the First of the Fallen rules Hell as they know it. In the story, the First of the Fallen would be Anarazel, also a Demon Prince, the currently most powerful one. At first I wanted to use Ahrimanes, who was supposedly the 'originator of all evil' and the creator of demons, but he has been supposedly destroyed. Ah well.

Trees of Life: In the game, it's supposed to be one Tree, but I looked at the branches and I was of the impression that it was many trees… ah, what the hell. This is fanfic… not professional writing.

Tentacles: I figured Constantine would absolutely refuse to get into Hell himself voluntarily at this bit of his life, what with him having offended several major demons, even if it was to try to get back his soul, so I had to provide some form of duress.