Fractured Stars
by Spruceton Spook
Part 14
The Talk
Ash was perched on the huge rock that had rested in those woods since forever, his knees drawn to his chin and his arms wrapped around them, facing slightly away from his dad. Eyes down, his head was propped dejectedly on his knees. His backpack, his only visible accessory, was flung haphazardly against a surrounding tree, an open container that appeared to have held leftover pizza beside it. This was not a campout; this was a pitstop, a snack break—a moment of delay.
Jay's face softened, staring admiringly at his heartsick little boy. His heart pounded in equal parts excitement and relief, overjoyed that he had found him so quickly and with such fortuitous ease, thanking God over and over in his head. Without further pause, he slowly made his way over, noticing that Ash was still showing no acknowledgment of his presence despite the very obvious footsteps. As such, he remained cautious in his approach, letting his feet land loud enough to catch Ash's attention but not to scare him.
"Hey, son," Jay finally greeted softly. He put on an amiable smile, ensuring it was the first thing Ash would see when he faced him.
But Ash didn't turn around. His head lifted slightly from its drowsing position, but it never turned. Jay's smile faded at this, but it wasn't as if he expected the boy to return the hello with any sort of enthusiasm. He edged closer to him.
"I thought I'd find you here." Ash responded by gathering his knees closer to him, further balling himself up. It was quickly clear he wasn't pleased with this encounter, but at least he wasn't making a run for it. Well, not yet. Jay needed to keep it that way.
Regaining his smile, he sighed. "I remember how much you liked coming here. Guess you still do, huh?"
Silence. Ash was doing a terrific job of shunning his father, and Jay was flustered by this reaction. What was driving it primarily—fear, anger, sadness? Jay wished he knew so he could handle it accordingly. Finding out was obviously going to take work, and so, running a hand through his hair anxiously for about the hundredth time that night, he let out a soft chuckle.
"So, what brings about tonight's visit?" He made no move to draw any nearer to Ash, hoping it would help to hasten Ash's eventual reply.
Ash wasn't prepared to grant that so readily. Instead, he bit his lip and concentrated on the rushing stream before him. He willed the hypnotizing drone of the water to calm his racing heart, quickened with both alarm and bitterness by his dad's unexpected appearance. Even more, he observed the small twigs and leaves float turbulently across the submerged rocks almost enviously. How he wished he could drift away with them, escape this awkward scene.
What was he doing here? How did he find him? Ash silently cursed himself and his bad fortune, wondering why he hadn't ventured further like he'd planned. When his determination had been hindered by dragging feet, his hideaway presented itself conveniently for an interlude. And for a while, he'd felt safe there. How that turned out...it only succeeded in leading right to him the person he feared facing most. Just another poor decision to tally with the others, the recurring theme in his recent life.
Go away, he pleaded with his father in his mind, figuring it was all he could do now. He hoped that by turning his head away and ignoring him he would be able to state his demand without uttering a word. Leave me alone.
Ash knew, of course, that it wasn't going to work. His dad was too stubborn to heed this unspoken demand, whether by desire to make amends or take care of yesterday's unfinished business. Swallowing the stiff lump in his throat, Ash could only pray it was the former.
Jay was becoming fidgety with Ash's averting attitude, but it didn't agitate him, and it certainly wasn't going to drive him away as Ash intended. As he continued to gaze at his unyielding son, he couldn't help but feel increasingly sorry for him. All at once, he wanted to apologize, wanted to show Ash that he wasn't mad anymore, that he wanted him home, but he held back from doing so. He knew Ash too well, and he needed to manage this in a more patient, calculated way.
Finally taking the risk of approach, Jay went to sit beside Ash on the rock. He groaned playfully as he climbed atop it, sighing in relief once he was settled. It did feel good to sit after his exhausting trek, but more so, Ash thankfully hadn't retreated in turn. Nonetheless, Ash had somehow managed to pivot himself away, maneuvering his feet to the other side and away from his dad.
Oh, Ash, Jay thought despondently. Ash hadn't run, but he still wasn't going to make this easy. Jay was not about to cave to Ash's sullenness, though, and he swiftly put his cheery mood back in action. Glancing up at the sky, purple in the onset of dusk, and taking in the harmonious chirping of crickets, he smiled.
"It's a nice night out tonight, huh?" he asked. He threw a quick glance at Ash; still no receipt. Slapping his hand absentmindedly against the rock, he continued. "Listen to those crickets! More of them out lately. The sound of summer. Thank God it's summer, right? Otherwise we'd be freezing our butts off out here."
Ash wished he could curl himself up even more. All this friendly talk was making him sick to his stomach. It was the same thing Gary pulled, trying to repair the destruction he had created. But just like with Gary, Ash knew this could end unpleasantly as well, following the same lamentable pattern. He wasn't going to be foolishly led by it. He didn't want anything to do with it.
He'll go away eventually, Ash assured himself. Just keep ignoring him…he'll—he'll realize he's not wanted…
"I…I thought that I would come home tonight and we could have a nice cookout," Jay continued, prodding away with his (perhaps too) buoyant tone. "I had a taste for some juicy steak. But then I found out you'd gone out. And how could I've made it without you, kid? I know how much you love it and all. So, you know, I just had to go out lookin' for ya."
At that, he gave his son a gentle nudge, hoping to stimulate him slightly. Unfortunately, Ash countered by recoiling, as if stung by from his touch. His troubled father sighed soundly, abandoning his endeavor to mask his disappointment. It was clear now resentment was surpassing any lingering trepidation. At least the boy still wasn't bolting—Jay wasn't sure he'd ever be able to catch him, he was already too drained.
But how was he going to do this? How was he going to fix what he had done?
He knew then that the affable small-talk was not going to achieve anything. Jay was dealing with something much more serious, something that needed to be approached…directly.
Bracing himself, Jay spoke softly but came right out with it. "Why did you run away, Ash?"
Ash flinched at this, not expecting to hear it put that way. As much as he resented it, he still couldn't stop the involuntary reaction. On the surface, of course that's what he had done, but he didn't want to think of it that way. Running away was for kids. He was simply…retreating. Yes. That's the word he liked.
Jay saw this counteraction and held his breath, reaching out to place a hand on his son's shoulder. He felt Ash tense, but there was no draw back this time. Ash reluctantly accepted the gesture of solace, but his head was still stubbornly turned away.
"Hmm?" Jay implored further, kneading gently. "Why'd you run away, buddy?"
Buddy… Ash took a deep breath, but nothing else. The emotion that he refused to welcome moments ago was taking hold of him differently now. The overwhelming and sincere sensitivity in his father's voice was slowly finding its way into his sore psyche. Jay tenderly massaging his shoulder wasn't helping his obstinance, either.
"You know, Ash, it…it's okay," Jay said, shrugging. "It's okay that you ran away."
Huh?
"I'm serious," his dad continued, sounding like he was really complacent with the whole thing. "I'm not mad that you did...maybe a little sad. I mean, I did want that steak. I guess, most of all, I'm just curious why. Is there, uh, anything you'd like to talk about?"
Not with you, Ash thought mulishly.
"What's the matter, kid? Meowth got your tongue?" Ash groaned as he realized Jay wasn't going to give up any time soon. "Come on, you can tell me. Honestly, Ash, I have nothing against you running away. I don't even plan to stop you. I just wanna know."
Ash was getting sick of this "running away" business, together with Jay's weak attempt at reverse psychology, so much so that he actually forced himself to use his voice. Huffily, he turned and set his narrowed, clearly irate eyes on Jay.
"What makes you think I ran away?" he asked so bitterly that his dad drew back, both out of shock that he finally got an answer from Ash and from the rancor in his son's voice. He blanched even more when Ash's face puckered into a sassy look. "How come you just don't think I went back on my pokémon journey?"
Jay pulled his hand away from Ash's shoulder and placed it in his lap. Finally, he had something to work with! With a wily smile, he replied calmly, "Because I know."
Ash's eyes narrowed unconvincingly.
"I know you love to travel," Jay elucidated confidently, "and I know you love your pokémon, but I also know you enough that you wouldn't just pick up and leave like that. No matter how mad or scared you may be."
That seemed to strike a nerve, and Ash tossed his head away.
"Besides, I know you can't be away from Pikachu for long." He fixed Ash a knowing smirk.
Ash scowled, begrudgingly accepting the fact that his father relayed. Other than his friends and family, Ash couldn't get Pikachu off his mind for one second. In that short hour he'd been away from home, the empty feeling of not having Pikachu by his side was the one solid thing making him second-guess his decision. He almost shuddered as the harsh bite of the truth cascaded through him.
"Dammit," he mumbled, feeling his defense slipping.
Jay smiled. "C'mon, Ash, talk to me here. What's going on?"
Ash promptly went mute again, but Jay could see the boy's attitude was changing. It wasn't as grave as it had been.
Jay chuckled, glancing up at the sky. "I remember one time you ran away," he recalled whimsically. "You were maybe seven, and you broke the garbage disposal when you tried to make a whirlpool for your action figures, and they got sucked into it. Remember that?"
Ash winced at the memory, and Jay's eyes glistened mischievously.
"Please tell me you didn't do the garbage disposal in again," he begged, nudging Ash with a wink.
"...No," Ash murmured after a few seconds, almost rolling his eyes.
"Then why?"
Ash balled his fists and swallowed hard. "I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone."
"Aw, come on, Ash," replied Jay, looking down. He groaned loudly and purposefully. No more jokes; that tactic, a default of Jay's, wasn't working. "It's because I yelled at you last night, right? You were afraid I was still going to be mad when I came home?"
Tensing, Ash lied as he fiercely shook his head. The broaching of that ordeal made him uncomfortable. Every answer to those questions was yes, but he couldn't bring himself to say so. Not that Jay needed the affirmation.
"Alright…then is it because of what happened at Gary's?"
Again, Ash shook his head, his face constricting tightly as his eyes began to pool with tears. Ash's vehement denial all but told Jay everything he needed to know.
"Those are the reasons," he said matter-of-factly. He was forward but gentle in his speaking, being sure not to harm but to heal. He needed to, not only for Ash, but for himself. He was going to get Ash to confide in him, to show him that he was here to help. "I know they are."
"No, they're not," Ash grumbled under his breath. He was now biting down hard on his whitened bottom lip.
Jay sighed. "Yes, they are." He wrapped his arms around his knees, just as Ash was doing. "Ash…look, I'm sorry. It's okay. You can talk about it; you can talk to me. You're not in trouble. I'm not mad anymore. In fact, I never should've been mad. I'm sorry I screamed at you the way I did. That was not very nice of me to do."
Ash reached up to brush away some tears so that Jay wouldn't see. He didn't want to show his dad any vulnerability. At the same time, however, his feelings were brutally fighting to get out from where Ash had buried them.
"I thought about you today at work," Jay proceeded. "About how I should've listened to you. I didn't think twice about what you might have been going through. I was just...thinking about myself. And that was pretty rotten of me. I…I sometimes have a bad temper, you know that, Ash, and I get impatient often. Last night, you caught me at a very…odd time, and I wasn't in my right mind. I'm sorry."
Ash found himself fighting to keep his eyes off Jay; his father's candor begged for his attention. These were words Ash thought he'd never hear, as much as he believed he deserved them. All he'd expected out of Jay was simply a continuation of the previous night, the exact opposite of what was happening now. Here Jay was, speaking in his favor, offering Ash his apology first. Part of him couldn't grasp it as reality.
Jay was quiet for a moment. "You wanna talk about what happened at Gary's? You know, like we should have last night?"
Ash shook his head and sniffed. He wished he could rein his tears in more decisively, but they were dogged.
"I know you want to, Ash. C'mon, kiddo, talk to me, please. Help me fix what's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong," Ash denied, his voice peeking almost into a whimper.
"That's a load of bull," Jay essentially scoffed. "You can't fool me. Come on, you're crying. Tell me what's on your mind."
"No!" Ash whimpered, hitching his breath as a sob crept up it. "And I'm not crying."
"Please," Jay pleaded now, grabbing hold of his boy's arm tenderly. "Look, I'm here to help you. I..." He laughed shortly, admitting his earlier farce. "Okay, maybe I'm full of bull, too. I want you to come home, Ash. You're worrying me, son! Why are you here? Why did you run away? Is it me? Is it Gary? What can I do to make you feel better, come home? You've gotta help me out here! If you think I'm just gonna leave you like this here in the woods..."
Ash swiped his cheeks as trickles of tears escaped his eyes. His dad's beseeching was seizing him, reaching in and throttling everything he was holding back. "I can't," he cried. "I…it—it's not them, I mean, it's not just them…"
"What is it?" Jay persisted. Ash could hear the sympathy dripping in his voice, the demand out of pure worry. With the last of his resistance floundering, his anguishing worry shot out of him like a burst pipe.
"Why do you and Mom hate me?" he barked, shooting a petulant glare at his father. Then, he collapsed into sobs, his hands flying up to shield his face. His crying, though fierce on Ash's part, was frail and subdued, just the tottered wailing of an upset, scared little boy.
Jay's jaw dropped as the incredulous statement blurted from his son's mouth. Even though he'd known about this via Misty, it was still such a shock to hear it come directly from Ash.
"Ash," he promptly and fervently disputed, "that's not true!"
Ash shook his head violently, his face red and pinched with grief. "Yes, it is! You and Mom…you hate me, I know it!"
"But," Jay cried, struggling with what to say, tears of his own glistening in his eyes at the impossible conviction in his son's voice, "how—what makes you think that?"
Ash palmed roughly at his raw, wet face. "Because you do," he answered. He coughed and sniffled. "I…I came home because I wanted to be with you guys, and I thought that you'd want to have me there, b-but you don't!"
"Ash, no—"
"All you've been doing to going places and doing things, and you keep leaving me out!" Ash wailed, ringing Jay's ears. "I—I w-wanted to be with you, and do those things, too, because I missed you so much, but all you and Mom want to do is do things by yourselves! I wanted to do pokémon stuff with you, and all you tell me is that you don't have time! And…and then you send me off to Gary's! Oh my God, Dad, that was the worst thing ever, and I told you that I didn't want to go, that I knew it wasn't going to work, but you guys made me go anyway and it was awful!"
Jay listened attentively as Ash poured out his sorrowful story, painful to hear. Guilt catapulted in his gut. He didn't realize the magnitude of the truth behind Ash's unloading, despite how unbelievable he wanted to dismiss it as. All he could do was give his son his full focus.
"Keep going, I'm listening," Jay encouraged him sympathetically.
"And Gary…he—he was…the other day, when you and Mama were getting the divorce, he told me…he told me that people were talking about you guys and me, and he started insulting you and telling me that because of you guys separating, that's all people would associate me with! I couldn't take it anymore because he was just so mean that day and I didn't want to see him ever again, and I don't know why I didn't tell you all this, but I knew it wouldn't matter! I knew it was going to be bad, and it was. All Gary was doing was pretending to be sorry, and I know he wasn't… Then he started blaming me for all the stupid things we used to do, and I—I couldn't take it anymore! I couldn't be in his house anymore, an-and I came home, but all you did was yell at me and tell me to go back and…and…"
Despite all the anger that Ash was letting loose, he didn't reject his father's hand as it reached to cup his head calmingly. His eyes lifted to meet Jay's, which were wide and blazing, full of concern and understanding. He hiccupped softly as Jay's hand lowered to wipe more tears off Ash's face, his warm thumb careful against his chafed, sensitive cheek. Ash relaxed as he did this, unable to reject how consoling it felt. The tender, amiable smile Jay was giving him bestowed a curing affect to his heaving body.
"Oh, Ash," Jay said, his hand falling to Ash's shoulder. "You poor guy."
Ash's face bunched again. "Why…w-why don't you like me anymore? Why don't you want me around?"
"Oh God, please don't think that way," Jay immediately replied, taking hold of him firmly. "Listen to me. You know that I love you. So does Mommy."
Ash shook his head. "You don't seem to. All you keep doing is pushing me away," he squeaked.
Jay sighed, watching his son's eyes well up again. "We weren't pushing you away. It's just that…well, with me and your mom back together, we've just wanted to spend some time together lately. It's hard to get back into a relationship, especially one that's been put on hold for so long. But at the same time, it's exciting, you know what I mean?"
Glancing down, Ash nodded, though he wasn't quite sure he did know what Jay meant.
"Me and Mommy—we haven't had much time to ourselves in a while. I work a lot, and we still need time to mend things, to get back to the way our life used to be. A lot has changed since three years ago—I've changed, she's changed, you've changed. It's a big adjustment, and...and it's not an easy one. I need times and places for certain things, because I can't do everything at once. But please, don't interpret that as me not wanting to spend time with you, Ash, because God, I crave it. I would love to be with you all the time and do a million things with you, you know that. It's just…everything's a little all over the place right now."
Ash was still looking down when Jay finished. He wasn't crying anymore, thank goodness, but he was back to being silent, processing all that his dad was telling him. Jay waited, hoping he was getting through to him enough to at least begin to dispel this heartbreaking theory that had cultivated in Ash's mind.
"Hey," he said, placing his finger under Ash's chin to tilt his head up. Ash allowed it, and Jay smiled broadly when their eyes met. "I'm serious. I don't know why you'd think Mom and I don't love you. It's not true, and it never will be. You're the greatest kid in the world, ya know that? You're my kid. You never cease to amaze me what the things you're doing and accomplishing, and how everyday you're just growing up more and more and making me so damn proud of you. Don't think that all disappears when I yell at you, Ash, or when I spend time with Mommy and not with you. The same goes for her, too! We love you more than anything. You and Mom—you guys are my whole life. I don't know what I'd do without either one of you."
It was such a powerful disavowal of everything Ash had convinced himself to believe, and to his relief, he found himself placing his wounded trust in every word. Staring intensely at his dad as this all seeped into him, feeling an overwhelming of emotion skyrocket within him, he suddenly leapt on Jay, clutching him in a tight hug. He felt Jay's arms sweep around him in turn, drawing him close. Ash buried his face in his dad's warm shirt, breathing in his familiar musk even though his stuffed nose.
"Thanks, Dad," he cried fervently.
Jay rubbed Ash's back as his son gripped him with everything he had, feeling like crying himself with relief. Ever so carefully, he pulled his son onto his lap.
"C'mere, you," he said, hoisting Ash's weight with his knee. He was certainly heavier and lankier than the last time he held him, a time Jay couldn't even pinpoint in his fuzzy jumble of memories. Ash, though awkwardly, reclined on his chest and melted into his embrace. His feet dangling off either side of Jay's lap, his dad's firm hold preventing him from slipping right off. The last of Ash's tenseness subsided and his tears were finally beginning to dry, but his emotions remained heightened.
"Shhh," Jay soothed, bringing Ash's head over to kiss it. He felt Ash grasp his arms tightly. For a few minutes, no words passed between either of them, as together their thoughts mulled.
Ash licked at his chapped lips in between deep breaths to pacify his heart. He couldn't believe this sudden turn of events, that he was comfortably cuddled against the one person he had resented so much the previous night. Part of him then, or even a half hour ago, would have conceived this as surreal. It never ceased to astound him how radically his dad's disposition could sway. But of all the traits his father possessed, Ash realized that forgiveness had always been one of his strongest. He paused a moment to build the poise to speak.
"Dad?" he said, breaking the peaceful silence that had engulfed them.
"Yeah?"
Ash swallowed, closing his eyes. "Last night…when I told you that I hated you, I didn't mean that. I—I don't hate you."
Jay chuckled gently. "I know, Ash. I know. We both said some strong stuff last night."
"I'm sorry."
"Me, too."
"No, Dad," Ash clarified. "I mean, I'm sorry about all of last night. You know, for coming home and all? I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."
"It's okay, kid," Jay laughed, patting his son's stomach. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you didn't want to go to Gary's house. And I'm sorry I didn't treat you well when you came home."
Ash lolled his head against Jay's shoulder. "It's okay."
"I won't ever make you go to Gary's again," Jay promised.
Ash smiled. Such a simple vow, but so very appreciated. "Thanks, Daddy."
Jay responded by giving him a tight, loving hug. Ash could only hug his arms back, as it was the only part of his dad within reach. Shutting his eyes blissfully, Ash sighed, basking in the reconciliation. When he opened them again, he focused up at the sky through the gaps in the canopy of trees. It had darkened greatly since he'd been there, and the first speckle of stars dotted the sky. Ash gazed admiringly at the expansive universe, not knowing that at the same time, Jay was doing the exact thing.
"Isn't the sky awesome tonight?" Jay asked, fascination brewing in his voice.
Ash sighed in agreement. "Yeah."
"The stars are something, aren't they?" Jay continued. "Just look at how clearly you can see them tonight!"
"I know. You can hardly see them in the cities with all the buildings and stuff."
"Yup," Jay agreed.
Ash slightly startled as his dad's arm suddenly outstretched and his finger pointed out at the sky. Instinctively, he followed it with his eyes.
"Hey, look," Jay whispered into Ash's ear. "You can see Mars tonight, even."
Ash's eyes widened excitedly. "Really? Where?"
Jay beamed, darting his eyes between the tiny red spot in the sky and his son's rapturous face. "Up there. Follow my finger. See it now?"
After searching for a second, Ash's eyes caught sight of the vibrant planet, and his face brightened. "Oh, wow!" he marveled. "Cool!"
"Isn't it?" Jay laughed, a wave of happiness flowing through him. He embraced Ash tenderly. "Knew you'd like that."
"Sometimes," Ash recalled with a smile, "when I'm on my journey, I look up at the stars, and I wonder if you and Mom might be looking at the same stars. Somehow, it makes me feel connected to you guys, even though I might be miles away."
"That's a nice thing to think about."
"I feel lonely for you guys a lot," Ash lamented. "But when I do that, I don't feel as lonely anymore. It almost feels like you see me, and that you're with me."
Jay's face sagged, and he took a deep breath. His body reclining depressively, he clutched his son. "Ash…I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."
Ash took his eyes away from the sky, and tilted his head to look up at Jay. He squinted confusingly. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you for all those years. I should've been."
Ash frowned, glancing away. In just an instant's time, a hazy miscellany of memories of the past three years crossed his mind's eye. "It's okay, Dad. I…I know that you couldn't—it was hard."
Sadly, Jay shook his head. "No, Ash, that was no excuse. Just because of what was going on between your mother and me, that was no reason for me to separate myself from you. I feel horrible about it."
Feeling his father's grip on him tighten, Ash blinked long and hard. He didn't quite know how to reply.
"To think of all I missed," Jay deplored. "I mean…just…sometimes I can't believe that I wasn't even there for you on the day you set out for your journey."
"But…you called me the night before," Ash said, hoping to somehow lift his dad's spirits. After all they had rectified, he was desperate to not let the mood stray off course.
"But that's not all I missed," Jay sighed, the regretful weight of that admission palpable in his tone. "I…I just want you to know that I'm sorry for being away from you for so long."
Ash smiled sadly, and shifted his gangly frame around to wrap his arms around Jay's neck. "It's okay, Dad. I love you."
Relieved at the gesture and pardon, Jay hugged back. "Thanks, buddy. I love you, too."
The embrace was prolonged. The night had fully arrived, but the shine of the moon cast enough light into the secluded hideaway for them to faintly see each other's faces, and their sight had adjusted accordingly.
Gently, Ash swiveled again so that he was seated on his dad's lap, considerably more comfortable. His head had quickly descended into a space much the opposite, however. Jay's heartfelt remorse at the evolvement of the last several years triggered thoughts and feelings he routinely kept at bay, ones he often felt insecure to ponder himself, much less bring up to anyone else. He took an audible breath before he spoke again. "Daddy?"
"Hmmm?" Jay grunted.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"You just did, squirt."
Ash giggled lightly.
"What is it, son?"
Playing with his fingers absentmindedly, the smile on Ash's face faded apprehensively, replaced by a frown of concentration. "Why'd you do it?"
"Do what?" Jay flippantly asked, not quite catching his inquisition.
Ash braced. "Y-you know. It."
He could feel Jay lurch beneath him at that. Indeed, his dad comprehended the question that time, visibly catching him off guard. Jay sat more erect, faced suddenly and no doubt unpreparedly by his son's curious gaze. He tilted his head carefully.
"Wha-what do you mean, Ash?" he asked, but the shifting look of timidity on Ash's face elucidated promptly.
Ash was very much feeling apprehensive about introducing such a subject. He didn't even know what exactly gave him the gumption to do so; Jay's outward culpability and the open arena for their sentiments had a lot to do with it, he supposed. Perhaps, at last, this was the time to receive an answer, one his mother had always been reluctant to grant, one that had been an ongoing and frustrating mystery. Ash's life had literally turned upside down, and he still didn't even know quite why.
Jay was clearly in shock. "I—I, um," he stuttered. Quickly, he realized his floundering reaction, and collected himself. He took a deep breath and observed his son, wondering how he was about to deal with a discussion that had certainly been inevitable but completely unexpected at that very moment. How Ash managed to broadside him with it only mere minutes after refusing to so much as even grunt at Jay nearly made the man break out into ironic laughter.
"I…I thought you…you knew about that, Ash," he formulated quietly, nervously.
Ash shrugged, his head sinking into his shoulders bashfully. "Well, I do…a little," he replied. His voice was trembling softly. True, he did know of the general situation, the little of it that he had gotten out of Delia, and the trivial knowledge of it he had developed on his own. But the story was still an enigma to him, and Jay's side of it all was something he'd never heard.
"But," Ash continued, despite how uncomfortable it was to keep pressing on with the delicate subject matter, "I just wanted to know w-why you would want to do something like that." His shaky eyes sank deeply into Jay's. "That—that's the only thing I don't understand."
Jay sighed deeply, reaching up to push some of the loose hair out of his face. His forehead suddenly prickled with a cold, sticky sweat. He felt Ash's attention on him, yearning for an explanation. An explanation he deserved.
"Why would you want to have sex with another woman?" This question made Jay cringe. It was a painful, extremely difficult one to hear from Ash. His eyes apprehensively lowered, taking in the sight of Ash's anticipative gaze, the face of a confused boy, barely yet the age of twelve. Such a question shouldn't have dared to come from this innocent child. "Didn't…didn't you love Mom?"
"Oh, Ash, of course I did," Jay responded sadly yet hastily.
"Then why?"
Jay took a heavy, sound breath, readying himself for the explanation. It was easily the last thing he wanted to talk about it, but he knew he needed to come through for Ash. And no fluffing it up, either. After all that Ash had been through, and all that he done for him and Delia, he was entitled to know exactly what happened.
"All right," Jay said. "I'm going to tell you what happened, Ash, because you should know." Ash looked at him attentively.
"You know that many times I told you that I didn't mean to do what I did," Jay started. Ash nodded. "I know it's hard to believe that something like that can be done unwillingly, but...in my case, in this case, it's true. I didn't mean to do it, and yet…it was all my fault."
"How?" Ash asked, becoming addled. "What happened?"
Jay was silent for a moment as he prepared to revisit the ugliest time in his life. "A few years back, it was my ninth year at EnergyOne. For a while before that, I was waiting for a promotion. I was teased with one again and again, but I never got it.
"So one Friday, I heard this rumor that my boss was going to promote me and I was going to get this huge raise to go with it, but I didn't believe it. After all, I had been waiting and waiting for one, and it never happened. Well, turns out, it wasn't a rumor. It was true, and I got word of it towards the end of the day."
Ash smiled weakly. "I think I remember when you called Mom that day," he recounted. "She was so excited. She told me that you were getting more money and stuff."
Jay nodded. "Yeah, I was excited, too. Oh God, it was great! Anyway, to celebrate my new raise, my friends told me that they were going to treat me to a couple drinks after work. So I called Mommy and told her that I was just going to be home a little later that night, and she was okay with it."
He paused for a moment and his head hung. Ash was silent, patiently waiting for him to go on. But already he was feeling bad for Jay, as it appeared he was not too happy about reciting his destructive tale. For a second, he almost regretted instigating the conversation, but there was no turning back now. The memories of that night were flooding his head, how Delia had told him that his dad was going to be home a little later that evening, and that things were looking really good. Ash had been excited, not knowing exactly what that had meant, but it sounded great. His mom had been in full-blown high spirits and cheery as ever, and for him, it was likewise, not knowing that the day would take such a tremendous turn for the worst.
"After work, I went with a few of my friends to this local pub in Viridian City," Jay proceeded, bringing Ash out of his thoughts. "Man, it was like Mardi Gras that night! I swear, those guys most have spent their entire paycheck on all the pitchers of beer and stuff that they had coming to the table. It was a lot of fun, and it was all for me, and while my friend had chosen to be the designated driver and promised me a ride home, I…well, I drank a lot."
Ash raised his eyebrows slightly at that. Jay glanced glumly at him and then back at his lap again. Sighing, he went on.
"That was my mistake, Ash. Even though I wasn't going to be driving, I still should have stopped myself after a few beers. I really should have, but…but I didn't. And that wasn't all. After the beer, my friend started ordering me some shots, and I don't know what got into me, but I was downing one after another. Don't think I was alone, though, because they all were drinking, too, and we were just having such a good time. I couldn't have been more excited and happier that night."
Suddenly, Ash found himself jostling lightly up and down as Jay's knee began to twitch nervously. It was almost like the pony-rides he used to do with Ash when he was the tiniest baby, but none of the jovial aspects were behind it tonight. It was out of pure anxiety. Ash tensed up instantaneously, as the story he knew barely about was beginning to broaden. The simple fact that Jay had liked another girl, as Delia had relayed to him, was expanding into something much deeper, far less simple.
"Th-that's all I remember up to," Jay mumbled, his voice shaky. "After a while, when you drink too much, everything becomes a blur. You…you don't remember what you did, or where you were, and sometimes, you might have done things that—that you didn't recall…or never knew at all. Or that you didn't mean to do."
His glistening eyes went to Ash's, and he watched his son draw back uneasily from his obviously distraught expression. He swallowed hard.
"Drinking more than I should have was my irresponsible action, Ash," he said. "That's what I did wrong, what I willingly did wrong, and what I can no doubt be blamed for. Because that was my decision, and it was a bad one…and I paid for it." His tone had become so subdued that Ash shivered.
"I must…I must have just been so drunk that…when I finally awoke some time later, I was a lot more sober, but it all felt like a dream. Just…I just wished that it was a dream. I woke up, Ash, and—and, um, I was in bed with this girl…a girl I remembered just talking with at the pub. She was asleep next to me, and…and we weren't wearing anything. And I knew right then and there that—that I had…what I'd done…"
He took a deep, fidgety breath. "I didn't know where I was or even how I got there, but when I looked at that clock beside her bed…oh God, Ash, when I saw that it was two in the morning, and I had promised your mom I'd be home the latest at nine that night, my whole world crumbled. That was it, and I knew it. I knew I had screwed up big time."
Ash blinked back tears, reaching around to grasp his father in a hug. Jay hugged back tightly, biting his tongue to hold back his own tears.
"I got out of there as quickly as I could and called a cab to take me home. I was crying the whole way, I was so scared. I knew I was in trouble. I felt horrible. I wanted to die. All I could think of was how you and your mom must have been worrying, what was going on at home. I was relieved that you were in bed when I got home, that you…that you didn't have to hear what was going on."
Ash braced as Jay said this. He had heard all. It was his parents' talking that had awoken him that dismal night, and although it was difficult for him to know what the situation was, Ash could easily remember how frightened he was.
As the story developed and Ash processed it consequently, one question, one honest notion, leapt to the front of his mind. "Why..." he began to ask, his raw innocence on full display, "why didn't you just making something else up?"
Jay regarded him seriously. It was only natural for the child to consider dishonesty as a way to escape consequences and wonder why his father had not employed that gambit. Sometimes Jay wondered why he hadn't done it, himself. Yet the answer was indisputable. "I don't keep secrets from your mother, son. I never have and...I wasn't going to then, either. I wouldn't have been able to live with the guilt, with my conscience, holding on to a secret like that. Plus, I'm not a good liar. I had to come clean."
That didn't seem to satisfy Ash. "But…didn't you tell Mom it was all an accident?" he followed up almost desperately, as if Jay deviating from the narrative could have somehow altered the past.
Jay nodded. "I did, Ash, but it only helped a little. Whether or not I had chosen to sleep with this girl, it was still all because of my drinking. It was because I was foolish and immature. I placed my trust in people I shouldn't've. It was my fault, if you look at it that way. This would have never happened if I had gone home to celebrate with you guys, which is what I should've done. I should've been with you and Mommy."
"Oh," Ash murmured.
"Your mom did listen to my story, but she was hurt, Ash. Very hurt. I don't blame her and I'm not angry at her for how she took it, and I don't want you to feel mad towards her, either. She had every right in the world to distance herself from me, and unfortunately, I couldn't sway her. I tried, Ash, oh God, I tried with every ounce of hope I had to apologize. She knew I didn't mean to do it, but nonetheless I still had done it, and that was all she could focus on. I'm just so sorry that you had to be caught in the middle. You suffered the most, and that wasn't right."
Suddenly, Jay took Ash by the shoulders and made the boy face him. Ash was startled by the move, but was quickly met with his father's smile, so broad and effulgent that he could only smile back, stunned by Jay's mood change.
"That's why, Ash, I can't believe what you did for me," he whispered with enormous admiration. "What you did for your mom and me was the greatest thing you've ever done. I still can't believe you pulled that off!"
Ash laughed shakily. "Neither can I," he admitted.
"Ash, playing that song that night and doing all that other stuff…you—you saved my marriage, buddy. I don't know what goes on in that little scheming head of yours, but ya did good! All I needed was for your mom to listen with her heart to what I had to say, so that I could tell her how sorry I was and how much I love her. Because I do love her—I've loved her since the moment I saw her, and I never will stop loving her. I gave into that divorce because I felt like it was the thing I needed to do to put closure to all this, and yet, you showed me—and her—that there was still hope."
Ash was blushing now, looking away embarrassingly. He reached up to scratch behind his head, not knowing exactly how he should respond.
"And that's why," Jay continued, "I don't want you to ever, ever, think that Mom and I don't love you. How can we not, Ash? You did the most amazing thing I've ever seen, and I adore you for that. You're my boy, and I love you."
There was no impeding Ash's tears this time. Only now, they were tears of happiness, of blissful emotion; his heart soared with relief. "I love you, too, Dad!" he cried, hugging him once again. "I don't care what you did in the past, it doesn't matter! You're home now, and that's all that matters to me. And that you and Mom are back together again."
"I know," Jay replied joyfully, grasping his son. He was so consoled with how Ash had handled the story, a fear he'd harbored for years. It hadn't been as hard to communicate it as he had imagined. It was a done deal now, Ash was up to speed, the air was clear. But most importantly, he had his son in his arms, and soon, he was going to take him home, where he belonged. Where they all belonged.
In fact, home sounded particularly appealing now in a number of ways. With the night settling, the hideaway that his son loved so much was becoming a bit eerie. Among other things, Jay knew Delia was worried, and he needed to get Ash in her presence as soon as possible. Though reluctant to do so, he broke the hug.
"I think we should be getting home now, boy," he laughed softly.
The suggestion caused the smile on Ash's face to promptly fall, and Jay's stomach lurched, wondering if there still was an issue he hadn't rectified. "Mom's probably so mad at me," his son sighed.
Jay couldn't check his laugh. "No, Ash, no! I told you, no one's mad at anyone. Heh, your mom is worried sick about you! She wants you home so bad. She was crying when I left, she's so upset!"
A look of partial comfort, partial contriteness settled Ash's expression. Delia was evidently over her coldness, and that was pure exhilaration for him.
"Misty and Brock are worried about you, too," Jay informed. "Misty's even crying."
Ash's eyes suddenly widened. "Sh-she is?" he gasped, feeling a chill run through him as he instantly recalled their odd encounter earlier that afternoon.
Jay nodded. "She wanted to come with me. Begged me! In fact, I could have sworn that she was a lot more upset than your mother was!"
All of a sudden, to Ash's shock, his dad gave him a dubious smirk and a wink, then started laughing. Ash gave him a funny look.
"What?"
Jay shook his head, sighing as his laughter tapered off. "Nothing, kid. Nothing."
Ash continued to give him the funny look, not quite understanding what Jay was alluded to with his laugh, but the thought was fleeting as he suddenly felt himself sliding off his dad's lap. Jay stood and deposited Ash on the ground, then stretched with a groan.
"Let's get ya home, punk," Jay chuckled, reaching out to rustle Ash's hair straight through his cap.
"Okay," Ash replied, blushing from the robust, affectionate action, and quickly fetched his bag. Jay waited and allowed Ash to come astride him before they started out of the hideaway. As they stepped carefully across the boggy, uneven earth, Ash reached and slipped his hand into his dad's, clutching it with dependence and love.
"Thanks for coming to get me, Dad," Ash said quietly.
Jay beamed, squeezing his hand fervently in return. "Glad to do it."
Ash sighed contentedly, pondering how, in the course of an hour, he could feel so much better, so much happier, so much loved.
STAY TUNED FOR THE CONCLUSION!
Happy Holidays everyone! I'll be posting the last part the day after Christmas cause you guys are so awesome and I know you hate waiting! LOL Thanks for reading my little ficcie! Appreciate it with all my heart! Spook
